Miscellaneous: Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I... - FML

By headache - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

TMI

Yellow

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, on our first holiday together, my boyfriend decided to spend his time reminiscing about having come here once with his ex. He then decided to go type up an email to her about it. FML

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By why me

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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By secretagentsam00

Thug life

Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

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By Anonymous

How to make a sociopath

Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

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By Sara1990 - Australia

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

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By theamericandream - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to set up his new Mac and transfer all the pictures from his old notebook. Seems like he forgot that when he went on vacation 2 months ago he took pictures of him getting it on with another guy. We've been together for 3 years and just moved in together. FML

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By "QueenCortana Tiffany Turner"

Temper tantrum

Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML

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By dacara6415 - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Apocalypse Now

Today, I was diagnosed with a kidney infection; the symptoms include nausea and having to pee every five minutes. I had to walk six miles in the pouring rain to pick up the medication, peed in the woods twice, got honked at while throwing up on the road, and my boyfriend told me not to complain. FML

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By Joey - United States - Reno

Today, my mother was digging up our Halloween decorations, and found the Christmas decorations as well. She's shoddily decorated the house already in half-Halloween and half-Christmas style to save time. I guess we'll be celebrating Christmasween for the rest of the year. FML

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By Scarred4Life - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

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By cachow - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By wifelyduties

Do ya think I'm sexy?

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

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By agony - United States

Today, I'll be sleeping in my car for umpteenth time this year, because my psychotic wife is again convinced that I'm sleeping with practically every woman in my state. I'm too broke to pay for a divorce, and too embarrassed to go to a friend's house. FML

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By Punk - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

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By awkwardpaul - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I sent a group text round to my friends asking if they wanted to hang out sometime. One of my friends thought this was aimed directly at her and confessed her love for me. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I wasn't feeling too good, and took my temperature. I had a fever, which I told my boyfriend who was laughing hysterically when I told him. I asked him what was so funny, turns out he's been using the thermometer to take our dog's temperature sometimes. Rectally, of course. FML

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By CastAway - United States

Bad omen

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

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By Lucachoo - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go on a date with me tomorrow. His reaction was to pick up a banana and pretend that he was in the middle of a phone call. FML

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By rugs - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

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By Misterhippo - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

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By meme71

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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By non believer - United States

Today, I told my parents I no longer believe in the religion they strictly raised me under. They responded by kicking me out of the house. I'm broke, jobless and the only person that will take me in is my psycho ex-girlfriend who never got over me. FML

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By Fennec - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

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By ant_hater - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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By Pissedoff777 - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML

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By burned - United States

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

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By strayy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

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By nerd - Finland

Today, I was driving in my car when out of the corner of my eye I notice a car pulling up next to me trying to get past me. I speed up, so as not to let the car pass me. It took me a while before I noticed I was racing against the shadow of my own car. FML

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By EwFace - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little boy. I opened up a new bottle of bubbles and it was all goopy and gross so I said "Eww!". The boy then asks, "What's "ew" mean?". I replied with, "Something gross and yucky". Then he pointed at my face and say "Ew! Ew! Ewwww!". FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

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By BabeRuth - United States

Today, I thought it would be cool to hit a basketball with a baseball bat. Ended up in the ER with seven stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By overthehorizon - United States

Today, I thought I would surprise my dad by mowing our entire 2 acre lawn. When he got home, instead of being grateful like I had hoped, he yelled at me for cutting in vertical lines instead of horizontal. FML

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By rammedbehind - United States

Today, I was driving to work when a state trooper rammed into my car from behind, because he was on the cell phone and not paying attention. He gave me a ticket for "Failure to control speed to avoid a crash." FML

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By Zak - United States

Today, I've been sick with both a chest cold and a sore throat. As a result, I've also been dehydrated, causing me to have a headache. Whenever I cough, I feel like my throat is being ripped apart and my head is about to explode. FML

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By gunnerdog - United States - Galveston

Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML

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By EyesofStone - United States

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my art project, the one I've been working on for the last two weeks and the first piece I felt really comfortable about turning in, was stolen out of the art cupboard. FML

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By yourclotheslookgay - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my mum visited. Even though I live under my own roof now, I caught her continuing her old habit of throwing out any clothes she thinks make me look "gay". FML

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Top comments

By XmasaX | 24

#6210849 - Monday 23 February 2015 11:56

I don't blame him.

By Charles900 | 16

#6210850 - Monday 23 February 2015 11:57

I'm sorry, OP, but that is rather amusing.

COMMENTS

By codytallica | 38

#6210848 - Monday 23 February 2015 11:55

One

Reply

A07 | 48

#6210857 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:01

Congratulations, good job man.

Reply

briang959 | 46

#6210864 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:07

You're so 2000 late.

Reply

Epikatz | 22

#6210870 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:12

Why the hell do people say stupid shit like this just to get the first comment? At least put some effort in, you don't get a friggin' trophy for commenting first.

By XmasaX | 24

#6210849 - Monday 23 February 2015 11:56

I don't blame him.

Reply

Yakob_Smirnoff | 4

#6210910 - Monday 23 February 2015 13:06

i feel for your embarrasment at that moment

Reply

sureshadow | 23

#6211379 - Monday 23 February 2015 21:00

neither do i

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6211985 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 4:55

I don't blame him either.
Hell, I'd probably laugh at myself if it happened to me.

By Charles900 | 16

#6210850 - Monday 23 February 2015 11:57

I'm sorry, OP, but that is rather amusing.

By RobinGoodfellow | 47

#6210853 - Monday 23 February 2015 11:59

Good heavens, you're a hazard. ;)

By Araj_Hs | 19

#6210854 - Monday 23 February 2015 11:59

If i were him, I would do the same. You should probably act like nothing happened, hahaha

Reply

Kailayla | 29

#6211039 - Monday 23 February 2015 17:06

That, or laugh at yourself for the accomplishment

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#6210855 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:00

Bless you! Gesundheit!

By meli1195 | 31

#6210856 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:00

A little embarrassment is better than having to pay for repairs caused by a sneezing fit OP.

By briang959 | 46

#6210858 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:01

Glad the airbag didn't go off.

By FemskyD | 26

#6210859 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:03

Well i bet you made this guys day!!

By WitEluded | 13

#6210862 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:05

Just be glad you aren't one of those people who always sneeze multiple times in a row!