Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking...

By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 19:49 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

Rock, hard place

The best cat

By NewBride - 14/8/2013 17:39 - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 02:48 - United States

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

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By WTF - 14/7/2013 20:08 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

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By Cat Ashes - 5/12/2013 05:18 - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

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By Bigpoppa0507 - 31/8/2011 14:02 - Canada

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

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By Sorry? - 2/12/2016 03:54 - United States

Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both whispered, "Sorry." Our teacher promptly gave us detention and a 0% on the test for talking. Sorry for being sorry? FML

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By Creepedout - 19/11/2015 03:26 - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By what the fuck?! - 2/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I called my husband's mistress to confront her. Her husband answered and immediately began hitting on me. He asked what was taking me so long to join their circle and if I was as into dp as his wife is. I don’t know whether to vomit from rage or disgust. FML

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By why me? - 6/9/2014 04:25 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML

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By simon - 11/1/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I am now the laughingstock of my office. FML

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By Che_likes_you - 12/12/2014 15:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML

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By let it go! - 1/12/2018 13:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my ex from high school is married and has kids but still found time to make yet another fake profile to berate me for cheating on him when we were 17. I've already blocked him, moved states, and changed my number twice. We're in our 30s. Fml

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2017 20:00

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2016 15:06 - United States - Ventura

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

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By fmjob - 21/7/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

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By lulumars - 14/6/2015 17:06 - United States

Today, I finally confronted my mom about how I felt about her three divorces. She then explained that she went through the divorces because I failed to keep the house clean. FML

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By saddened97 - 20/1/2011 09:39 - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was fingering me. After he left, my mum says to me "I wish my sex life was as interesting as yours." She had walked in and we hadn't even noticed. FML

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By christmaswillneverend - 2/1/2013 00:18 - United States - Red Lion

Today, at my four-year-old daughter's insistence, I looked for - and found - a radio station that plays "Santa music" all year round. She's ecstatic and I can't turn it off without upsetting her. FML

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By heartbroke - 3/11/2012 10:02 - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

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By TuralSucks - 11/3/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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By corn - 3/6/2011 01:44 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML

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By sosadstudent - 20/4/2011 20:52 - Netherlands

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

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By wellfuck - 15/7/2016 23:04 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I got a call from a job I had applied for. Everything went great until I realized I had applied to the wrong location, across town. I'm so broke, I went to the interview anyway. It will cost me more to pay for the gas to drive there to work, than what I will actually make. FML

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By fml9124 - 20/9/2019 14:00

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

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By 11niko - 2/2/2012 04:57 - United States

Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butt hole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML

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By nicole - 27/5/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML

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By Dlpnlvr85 - 10/7/2016 18:43 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By jillydark6609 - 19/9/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

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By jacques - 2/2/2010 14:08 - Australia

Today, I ran into my ex's family, and found out they are going to Europe. Funnily enough, so am I. Even funnier is the fact that we are going on the same date, at the same time, on the same flights, and the tour starts on the same day in the same place. FML

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By gabe8 - 15/6/2009 05:42 - Mexico

Today, after buying the plane ticket to Glendale, CA to visit 17 year old Courtney who I met on a dating website, she called me for the first time to say that she was actually 19 year old Seth from Atlanta, GA. FML

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By CapitolSouthSux - 19/9/2013 12:54 - United States

Today, a street preacher got on my metro car and gave a long, loud speech about how we sinful, polluted congressional staffers must inform our bosses that choosing a homosexual lifestyle was like trading your soul for soup. We got stuck in a tunnel for thirty minutes. FML

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By FallCameEarly - 27/2/2014 06:21 - United States - Alhambra

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2013 22:43 - United States - Toms River

Today, I was at a coffee shop, when a middle-aged guy called me a "two-timing whore", dumped his coffee on me and walked out in tears. I'm 14 and I have no idea who he was. FML

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By BabyBeardy - 10/12/2009 23:05 - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

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By acneface - 21/10/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class. FML

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By idontwanttoknow - 16/6/2013 11:37 - United States

Today, I heard my roommate moaning my name in the shower. FML

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By backtothelaundrettethen - 3/12/2012 11:40 - Germany

Today, I bought some expensive fabric softener since I'm not too keen on my detergent's smell. Only after washing two weeks worth of laundry did I discover that mixed together they realistically mimic the smell of fresh puke. FML

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By brokenhearted - 19/1/2016 14:59 - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I told my boyfriend he's the only good thing left in my life. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, he said, and ended up breaking up with me. FML

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By crushed - 11/12/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

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Top comments

By BobRoss9 | 8

#5862183 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:46

I feel like he should write his own FML

By Madridsta1999 | 7

#5862174 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:44

You could call it
*puts on glasses*
Titty pop

Comments

By TheCrispyCat | 20

#5862163 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:41

Wow... he is a keeper.

Welshite | 39

#5862173 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:44

Because sucking pus is sooo sexy. -_-

I would have dashed to the bathroom and had a nice date with the toilet if that had happened to me.

canupls | 6

#5862212 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:56

Guys I think we're missing the complete irony of OP being from the Virgin islands.

Alvarortor | 14

#5862361 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:24

You sir, are a god

xx000o | 27

#5862629 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 11:25

Is that the only place women have pimples on their boobs?

naw_fml | 18

#5862657 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 12:19

It's there thing. ;)

heyyyaubrey | 9

#5862661 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 12:29

seriously..boob acne cannot be normal.

speakersboom | 19

#5863079 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 21:00

#102, *their, and gross.

USxWolfCatxUK | 16

#5863587 - Thursday 20 February 2014 8:51

#103 Actually, boob acne is pretty common for a lot of women.

Crazynocatlady | 22

#5863728 - Thursday 20 February 2014 13:25

No wonder they are all virgins then...

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5865526 - Saturday 22 February 2014 7:42

Vomiting ends everything...

By leary96 | 15

#5862164 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:41

Sorry OP that really, sucks.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5862200 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:51

Boo

arronu | 9

#5862272 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:39

bies

leary96 | 15

#5862310 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 3:14

Sorry, pardon my pun, I just had to.

clemsi | 20

#5862407 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:52

Did you?

airbear18 | 15

#5862440 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 5:24

oh lord....

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5862681 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 12:55

38, No, you didn't, actually...

By gabygabs | 8

#5862170 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:43

aww :( sorry about that, and about having pimples on ya bobbie :(

that_band_nerd | 22

#5862412 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:55

More like sorry to anyone who had to read your comment, I suggest more time with a dictionary and less time using emoticons.

Rallred32 | 20

#5862447 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 5:33

What's a "bobbie"?

Rexor | 9

#5862479 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 6:31

Hank Hill's son.

SarahSehhati | 40

#5862483 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 6:44

#78 You made me laugh like no other thank you!!! Omg!

MikeyScene420 | 17

#5862504 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 7:37

Either that was the funniest thing i ever read or this weed got me messed up. Either way i can't stop laughing! Greatness is upon you!

By Madridsta1999 | 7

#5862174 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:44

You could call it
*puts on glasses*
Titty pop

SquealingMoose | 14

#5862180 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:45

Nah

\ | 28

#5862189 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:48

#5, really? Really? Just really?

Kamon97 | 23

#5862248 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:15

He popped the wrong cherry

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5862614 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 11:05

#9, considering that comment is currently at 226 thumbs-up and your's has 60 thumbs down, I'd say: yes, really.

Madridsta1999 | 7

#5863378 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:14

#98 *my nigga starts playing in the background*

By realtingdis | 12

#5862176 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:44

Damn. I can't claim that I would act differently. Though I don't know If I would have thrown up.

By BobRoss9 | 8

#5862183 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:46

I feel like he should write his own FML

ahh_rats | 15

#5862298 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:55

I agree hahaha

Alkpwn | 6

#5862363 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:24

Jeez I know, he hardly deserve zit!

purrypie | 9

#5863797 - Thursday 20 February 2014 15:20

I get the feeling it's soon to come ! :D

Miss_Chevious | 37

#5999738 - Sunday 6 July 2014 18:58

Agreed. 100%

By smokecloud_ | 37

#5862193 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:50

Time for some ProActive body wash.

By chutney_02 | 22

#5862199 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:51

If you have anything embarrassing against him, now is the time to use it

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5862225 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:02

I thought the FML was over, but nope, it then went and got even worse.

By Spyingcheeseman | 8

#5862228 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:03

I don't think a simple is what popped on your chest

littlekellilee | 45

#5862256 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:24

I don't think it was a simple either. I think it was a pimple.

Spyingcheeseman | 8

#5862265 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:37

Sorry pimple isn't saved into my phones dictionary so it changed it
:(

Axipiter | 24

#5862410 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:53

No excuses!

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5862621 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 11:09

#24, Do it manually before submitting your comment. Proofreading is your friend.

MrGymnastic | 12

#5862916 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:47

Especially online whear everone is a gramar nazi. Because they can SEA youre misake. Did I do good?

amason5995 | 4

#5953564 - Friday 23 May 2014 1:44