Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking...

By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 19:49 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Bad guy (duh)

People are strange

By SocialAnxietySucks - 26/3/2014 03:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, the clock in the study lounge was off, so I was half-an-hour late to class. I was too embarrassed to walk in late, so I sat for the next half-hour with my ear against the door trying to hear the lecture. People stopped to ask if there was something wrong with me. Yeah, probably. FML

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By rc2981 - 13/6/2014 10:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, artwork that I had been working on for months was destroyed, leaving me almost in tears. The culprit? A lonely pigeon who'd got into the room and shat all over it. FML

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By Username - 5/12/2010 17:04 - United States

Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

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By merrr - 20/1/2014 20:34 - Canada

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 04:00

Today, our building owner, who lives just below, had a great idea to make her life easier. When something gets on her nerves, she puts it in the stairwell. Including two dozen shoes, her toddler, her screaming baby, her barking dog and her cat who loves to shit in my flower pots and piss in my basement room, which she is well aware of. FML

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By voltronn - 23/1/2010 05:04 - France

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

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By jackskellington - 11/2/2015 04:34 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, I found out my dad ate my rabbit when I was 6 years old. He'd told me it ran away. I can't be mad at my dad; he's been dead for 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 11:46 - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

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By J……… - 16/10/2020 02:02

Dog whisperer

Today, my new dog broke out of his new crate, ate my door, pissed on the floor, and trashed my room. I got him to help with my anxiety, but all he does is give me more anxiety. The worst part is that I adopted him as a favor to a friend, because she couldn’t handle him. FML

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By unluckybirthdaykid - 11/9/2017 23:15

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

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By Perplexed - 19/1/2013 13:14 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, someone broke into my car by smashing the driver's side window. I'd be less irritated if they had just used the door handle; the lock has been broken for years. FML

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By difference between birds and mammals. - 3/9/2012 00:10 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

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By Chris - 27/8/2019 22:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I thought it would be funny to take an airhorn to a golf course and blow it while people were teeing off. It was very funny, until I blew the horn during some guy's backswing and his ball was shanked in my direction and hit me in the head. FML

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By Jeepers - 29/6/2009 14:30 - United Kingdom

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

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By tycrist8 - 26/6/2015 23:32 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - 24/4/2012 23:59 - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

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By - 9/4/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By sad trick Or treat - 1/11/2016 21:25 - Denmark

Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML

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By FunGhoost - 20/2/2015 13:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By KL - 5/6/2009 19:46 - Canada

Today, I was at a club with a friend. A cute guy kept smiling and looking over at me. He left his seat and went to the bar and brought back two drinks. He waved me over and then said, "Can you tell your hot friend that I bought her a drink?" FML

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By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

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By send help - 7/3/2017 02:00

Help!

Today, at the Japanese restaurant I work for, we have 95 reservations and three servers. FML

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By no name - 22/6/2013 07:20 - United States - Gaylord

Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML

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By Jon - 7/6/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

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By makeover-needed - 6/7/2015 21:32 - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

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By cj123 - 23/12/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

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By Crying - 16/4/2017 02:00

It's toast

Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 02:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

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By ThisIsGonnaBeAwkward - 6/12/2011 15:36 - United States

Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML

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By marcy_89 - 23/7/2019 16:01

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By lonelyman - 20/11/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

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By - 24/2/2020 18:00

I miss him

Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

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By climbing the walls - 30/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, it’s been nearly six months since our state has been on lockdown. My boyfriend the introvert has never been happier. Meanwhile, I, the extrovert, have been bored to literal tears from the lack of human interactions and travel. There’s only so much Netflix and reading I can do. FML

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By MoncaBang - 29/1/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2019 01:00

Tasting a lot at high school

Today, an old friend showed me pictures proving that my high school sweetheart, who is now my wife, was the school slut who would give anyone a blowjob in the toilets for a fiver. So basically every time I kissed her in high school, I was tonguing another guys cum. I feel physically sick right now. FML

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By bad surprise - 26/1/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

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By MrsGrinch - 7/12/2018 14:00

Today, I’d finally saved up enough to buy flights home for Christmas. After putting in the info several times, it wouldn’t work, so my husband decided to try and “help.” Not only did he buy flights to the wrong place, but now I have to wait another 5-7 days to be refunded. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

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By RensM - 20/8/2011 09:54 - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

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Top comments

By BobRoss9 | 8

#5862183 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:46

I feel like he should write his own FML

By Madridsta1999 | 7

#5862174 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:44

You could call it
*puts on glasses*
Titty pop

COMMENTS

By TheCrispyCat | 20

#5862163 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:41

Wow... he is a keeper.

Welshite | 39

#5862173 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:44

Because sucking pus is sooo sexy. -_-

I would have dashed to the bathroom and had a nice date with the toilet if that had happened to me.

canupls | 6

#5862212 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:56

Guys I think we're missing the complete irony of OP being from the Virgin islands.

Alvarortor | 14

#5862361 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:24

You sir, are a god

xx000o | 27

#5862629 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 11:25

Is that the only place women have pimples on their boobs?

naw_fml | 18

#5862657 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 12:19

It's there thing. ;)

heyyyaubrey | 9

#5862661 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 12:29

seriously..boob acne cannot be normal.

speakersboom | 19

#5863079 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 21:00

#102, *their, and gross.

USxWolfCatxUK | 16

#5863587 - Thursday 20 February 2014 8:51

#103 Actually, boob acne is pretty common for a lot of women.

Crazynocatlady | 22

#5863728 - Thursday 20 February 2014 13:25

No wonder they are all virgins then...

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5865526 - Saturday 22 February 2014 7:42

Vomiting ends everything...

By leary96 | 15

#5862164 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:41

Sorry OP that really, sucks.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5862200 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:51

Boo

arronu | 9

#5862272 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:39

bies

leary96 | 15

#5862310 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 3:14

Sorry, pardon my pun, I just had to.

clemsi | 20

#5862407 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:52

Did you?

airbear18 | 15

#5862440 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 5:24

oh lord....

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5862681 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 12:55

38, No, you didn't, actually...

By gabygabs | 8

#5862170 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:43

aww :( sorry about that, and about having pimples on ya bobbie :(

that_band_nerd | 22

#5862412 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:55

More like sorry to anyone who had to read your comment, I suggest more time with a dictionary and less time using emoticons.

Rallred32 | 20

#5862447 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 5:33

What's a "bobbie"?

Rexor | 9

#5862479 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 6:31

Hank Hill's son.

SarahSehhati | 40

#5862483 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 6:44

#78 You made me laugh like no other thank you!!! Omg!

MikeyScene420 | 17

#5862504 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 7:37

Either that was the funniest thing i ever read or this weed got me messed up. Either way i can't stop laughing! Greatness is upon you!

By Madridsta1999 | 7

#5862174 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:44

You could call it
*puts on glasses*
Titty pop

SquealingMoose | 14

#5862180 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:45

Nah

\ | 28

#5862189 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:48

#5, really? Really? Just really?

Kamon97 | 23

#5862248 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:15

He popped the wrong cherry

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5862614 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 11:05

#9, considering that comment is currently at 226 thumbs-up and your's has 60 thumbs down, I'd say: yes, really.

Madridsta1999 | 7

#5863378 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:14

#98 *my nigga starts playing in the background*

By realtingdis | 12

#5862176 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:44

Damn. I can't claim that I would act differently. Though I don't know If I would have thrown up.

By BobRoss9 | 8

#5862183 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:46

I feel like he should write his own FML

ahh_rats | 15

#5862298 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:55

I agree hahaha

Alkpwn | 6

#5862363 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:24

Jeez I know, he hardly deserve zit!

purrypie | 9

#5863797 - Thursday 20 February 2014 15:20

I get the feeling it's soon to come ! :D

Miss_Chevious | 37

#5999738 - Sunday 6 July 2014 18:58

Agreed. 100%

By smokecloud_ | 37

#5862193 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:50

Time for some ProActive body wash.

By chutney_02 | 22

#5862199 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:51

If you have anything embarrassing against him, now is the time to use it

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5862225 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:02

I thought the FML was over, but nope, it then went and got even worse.

By Spyingcheeseman | 8

#5862228 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:03

I don't think a simple is what popped on your chest

littlekellilee | 45

#5862256 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:24

I don't think it was a simple either. I think it was a pimple.

Spyingcheeseman | 8

#5862265 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 2:37

Sorry pimple isn't saved into my phones dictionary so it changed it
:(

Axipiter | 24

#5862410 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:53

No excuses!

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5862621 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 11:09

#24, Do it manually before submitting your comment. Proofreading is your friend.

MrGymnastic | 12

#5862916 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:47

Especially online whear everone is a gramar nazi. Because they can SEA youre misake. Did I do good?

amason5995 | 4

#5953564 - Friday 23 May 2014 1:44