Intimacy: Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better.... - FML

By Foxy - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

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BO Central

Great mom you got there

Nerves of steel

By ... - United States - Glen Carbon

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Papillion

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend. He actually had the balls to say her leg was asleep and he was trying to wake it up. FML

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By jack

Today, I asked my new girlfriend if she was feeling alright, since she is on her period for the first time since we started dating. I got an empty cereal bowl thrown at my head. Question asked and answered. FML

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By rubberduck1 - United States - Mattoon

Today, I told my boss I could handle running the floor buffer. Thirty seconds in, I lost control and became pinned to the wall by its force. In my state of shock and embarrassment, I didn't realize the only thing keeping me trapped was my grip on the accelerator. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 20:08 - United States

Wage slave

Today, at work, our customer service chat was empty all day, so I got up to go to bathroom. In the two minutes I was gone, three people tried to chat with me. Then I got a call from my manager, asking me why I wasn't doing my job. He told me to give advanced notice next time I had to pee. FML

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By insomniac

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can't decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infested with fleas. FML

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By whirlednews - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

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By GLX - United States - Sand Springs

Today, I woke up to the rickety old ceiling fan above my bed crashing down on top of me. I'm fine, however I am now grounded until I can buy a new ceiling fan to replace the one I "broke". FML

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By ThanatosSG9

Today, I took my car into the mechanic to have two tires and battery put in, all new. I later got a call saying they tried to start my car on the dead battery, which sparked and started a fire. It's gonna take two weeks to get the parts and it's minus 30 outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Not now!

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 05:00

Who are you?

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 5 years only got divorced last year. I never even knew he was married. FML

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By badbed - United Kingdom

Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

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By manhood fading away - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML

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By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By k.love - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML

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By

Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

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By Hairy_Potter - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

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By presente13 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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By ewwy - United States

Today, I returned a friends jacket after borrowing it. I made sure to wash it and keep it clean. When he went to put it on, a pair of my granny panties fell out of the sleeve. FML

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By snow

Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn't find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML

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By MaggotMother - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By sexyfreak2510 - South Africa

Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Great Mills

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

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By frustrated - Australia

When clampers attack!

Today, despite being parked in my work's car park, my car got clamped. It cost me $150 to get the clamp removed and all I got was "bad luck" from my boss and the clamper. FML

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By MafiaWarsWidow - Australia

Today, I was on the phone to my boyfriend in England. I live in Australia. What did he talk about for 15 minutes straight? Mafia Wars on Facebook and how far he had got. FML

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By crash and burn - United States

Today, I moved states to be with my soulmate in our new condo. It was also the day I took out a neighbor's balcony with my U-Haul. FML

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By tsardaukar - United States

Today, bouncing at a local bar. I I.D.'d a girl with a group of people. I told her that next time she used a fake I.D., she at least should get one with a picture that looked like her. She started crying and ran off. A guy told me that she had been in a car wreck, and had been badly disfigured. FML

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By trying2breathe - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

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By secret - United States - Ashford

Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my sister's birthday. It isn't her birthday today, it's mine. FML

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By ashley_skillz06 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef is throwing food at us, I'm getting ready for my turn. He tosses the piece of broccoli at me, I lean back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

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By bigryngf - United States

Today, I was on my couch when my landlord walked in. He asked what I was doing there. I responded with the same question. Apparently my roommate forgot to call me and tell me that our lease ended three days ago. I am now standing in the parking lot with all my belongings, and it is raining. FML

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By germophobe - Canada - Calgary

Today, my roommate came back from camping. My toothbrush magically reappeared as well. FML

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By the_lameo_geek - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

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By john r.t. - United States - Eagle Pass

Today, I walked in on my son teabagging his sister over a video game. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting in Walmart when I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with, "You know I'm a guy, right?" FML

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Top comments

By Dr_Phil | 0

#314 - Thursday 5 February 2009 18:51

I think that's called a "Roman Shower". And that's gross.

By genius_man16 | 0

#343829 - Friday 26 June 2009 21:29

twice?

dear lord, i don't want to know the circumstances

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#305 - Thursday 5 February 2009 17:22

did he at least finish?

By Dr_Phil | 0

#314 - Thursday 5 February 2009 18:51

I think that's called a "Roman Shower". And that's gross.

By Butterdlyli | 0

#349 - Thursday 5 February 2009 23:23

bullshit

By gatorgirl | 0

#374 - Friday 6 February 2009 15:38

sounds like something from tucker max

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#615 - Sunday 8 February 2009 6:05

sounds like a storyline for a bad porno

By meganl_fml | 0

#768 - Monday 9 February 2009 3:13

this made me laugh so hard. sorry.

By phzzz | 0

#926 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:40

i've done that twice, don't even worry about it

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#343829 - Friday 26 June 2009 21:29

twice?

dear lord, i don't want to know the circumstances

By jackainscough | 0

#1030 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 9:40

hahaha, i'm so very sorry for laughing.

But that sucks

By captcool024 | 0

#1514 - Thursday 12 February 2009 8:34

"i've done that twice, don't even worry about it"

lol.. why? once is a mistake, twice you think its hot.

By Mbpiratedude | 0

#2320 - Sunday 15 February 2009 10:53

This is by far my favorite! Nothing is funnier than when you have a chain vomit. If true, you have my condolences.