Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better.... - FML

By Foxy - 5/2/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Live dumping

Fairytale ending

By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 17:00

The walls have ears

Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2012 16:01 - United States - Port Townsend

Today, my 27 year old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2013 21:57 - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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By HowAreYouAlive - 9/7/2014 04:24 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

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By Jamie - 10/3/2010 20:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML

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By klanciee - 16/7/2012 02:00 - United States - Valencia

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2012 09:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years accidentally admitted to me that he settled for me because he doesn't think he can do any better. FML

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By swervelol - 20/8/2017 23:15

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

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By BassGuy - 18/5/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

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By lonleystoner91 - 3/9/2010 08:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months decided to wrestle with my younger brother. He has gotten more action than I have. FML

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By kaydebug - 15/8/2018 03:30

Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

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By fudgydiaper22 - 30/1/2011 00:28 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

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By secret - 2/11/2010 19:11 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML

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By sneezer - 30/12/2009 04:54 - France

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 02:02

Today, some asshat thought it would be funny to put a second lock on my locker. FML

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By lisacasabonita - 12/11/2010 16:31 - United States

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, 'I wish you liked anal.' FML

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By wtfjusthappened - 31/1/2014 15:29 - United States - Redmond

Today, I went down on the girl of my dreams. While I was down there, I started to put on a condom. As I came back up to start having sex, she told me she couldn't cheat on her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymus - 31/1/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

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By BriSwag4321 - 21/9/2018 05:00

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my girlfriend's father. He screenshotted it. FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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By novdestiny - 30/6/2017 16:00

Today, I discovered that, because my boyfriend has locked himself out of his car so many times, he now keeps a coat hanger to break in. He keeps it IN the car. FML

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By ThisIsAgony - 25/10/2013 06:48 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little sister is having a friend spend the night. Our rooms are right next to one another and the walls are thin. We are now entering the fourth hour of a singing contest so off-key that it should be illegal. FML

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By hs - 30/5/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

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By lauramarie - 23/7/2011 14:18 - Canada

Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2011 05:56 - United States

Today, after weeks, I've finally reached my goal and lost 10 lbs. My sister got jealous about me losing weight, and told my parents and coworkers that I'm anorexic. Hello, intervention. FML

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By chieftain - 9/5/2012 19:34 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML

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By hannax - 16/8/2016 17:26 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

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By neednewshoes - 7/12/2017 01:30

Today, like every day, I flushed a public toilet with my foot. Today, unlike every day, my foot missed the handle and landed in the unflushed water. FML

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By peace_lost - 29/6/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I walked to her couch while kissing with our eyes closed. Stumbling, we reached the couch and dropped our bodies, her on top of me. What I didn't know was that her kitty, Elvis, was napping. Elvis was very angry. FML

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By i fuckin love habaneros - 22/7/2016 19:19 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

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By Marou - 25/12/2008 01:54 - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2009 09:18 - Greece

Today, I hired an exterminator to get the roaches out of the house I am renting. I came back from work and went to my bathroom, noticing that he used the plunger to unclog the toilet after he took a dump. After $150, there was shit all over my floor and plunger, and roaches still in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Parkesburg

For real though?

Today, my father was offered 85 sheep for my hand in marriage. We live in the USA, and he is literally contemplating the offer. FML

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By W1D0 - 20/8/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 19:54 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By Familyreject - 2/2/2019 19:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found out that my family has paid for and booked a trip to Dubai without me. They weren't going to tell me until they were about to board but since I was crying that my friend ditched me for my holiday, they thought they would let me know. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 20:00

Who's a good boy?

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

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By notanazigrandchildafterall - 21/9/2015 11:32 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, going through my late grandmother's papers, I found out that my grandfather had never been in the Nazi party. The reason he was not allowed to work as a teacher was that he had never passed his university exams. He found an invented Nazi past less shameful than academic failure. FML

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By namenlos - 27/5/2012 21:53 - Australia

Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML

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By eyebags - 10/10/2016 13:04 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

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Top comments

By Dr_Phil | 0

#314 - Thursday 5 February 2009 18:51

I think that's called a "Roman Shower". And that's gross.

By genius_man16 | 0

#343829 - Friday 26 June 2009 21:29

twice?

dear lord, i don't want to know the circumstances

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#305 - Thursday 5 February 2009 17:22

did he at least finish?

By Dr_Phil | 0

#314 - Thursday 5 February 2009 18:51

I think that's called a "Roman Shower". And that's gross.

By Butterdlyli | 0

#349 - Thursday 5 February 2009 23:23

bullshit

By gatorgirl | 0

#374 - Friday 6 February 2009 15:38

sounds like something from tucker max

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#615 - Sunday 8 February 2009 6:05

sounds like a storyline for a bad porno

By meganl_fml | 0

#768 - Monday 9 February 2009 3:13

this made me laugh so hard. sorry.

By phzzz | 0

#926 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:40

i've done that twice, don't even worry about it

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#343829 - Friday 26 June 2009 21:29

twice?

dear lord, i don't want to know the circumstances

By jackainscough | 0

#1030 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 9:40

hahaha, i'm so very sorry for laughing.

But that sucks

By captcool024 | 0

#1514 - Thursday 12 February 2009 8:34

"i've done that twice, don't even worry about it"

lol.. why? once is a mistake, twice you think its hot.

By Mbpiratedude | 0

#2320 - Sunday 15 February 2009 10:53

This is by far my favorite! Nothing is funnier than when you have a chain vomit. If true, you have my condolences.