Intimacy: Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better....

05/02/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 194

You deserved it 26 780

Intimacy

Dysfunctional

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Stranded

19/01/2014 20:35 - United States

Today, my parents left early in the morning to run some errands, and I thought it would be nice to shovel our rather large driveway for them while they were out. An hour later, they returned from the store with a snow blower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 639

You deserved it 5 664

03/01/2011 11:40

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 744

You deserved it 10 647

16/03/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I rode in the cab on the way back to my dorm from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 896

You deserved it 5 359

Weird kid

By LGraham - 16/06/2020 20:08

Today, my nephew kicked me in the balls, again! And he got me fair and square this time. It's the fourth time he's got me in the balls since the pandemic started. I have to put my groin guard from college on and teach him a lesson because he won't listen and he's 12, so he knows what he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 462

You deserved it 283

Office Space

By Mishlette - 23/01/2015 13:27 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 807

You deserved it 2 742

27/09/2016 12:28 - Italy - Verona

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 317

You deserved it 2 739

21/05/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 137

You deserved it 804

18/01/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 975

You deserved it 33 012

15/02/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 163

You deserved it 5 577

25/04/2015 17:55 - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "God" told her to. I guess "God" didn't have any problems with me buying dinner first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 372

You deserved it 2 820

06/08/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 554

You deserved it 5 791

29/11/2017 19:00

Today, I spent hours hand-painting an awesome design on a gift for a friend. My husband was supposed to assemble it when I finished, but when I stepped back to admire my work, he informed me that the whole thing was sideways. He watched me paint it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 189

You deserved it 429

15/01/2012 09:00 - Canada

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 939

You deserved it 4 294

13/04/2016 23:46 - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 553

You deserved it 1 219

05/09/2015 03:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a phone I bought online turned up while I was at work. The delivery guy left a note saying he'd left the package with my neighbor at #10. When I went and knocked on the door and asked for the package, my neighbor said "Nope, nothing delivered here." and quickly shut the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 933

You deserved it 1 975

26/02/2012 12:28 - United States

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 721

You deserved it 5 284

29/06/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 983

You deserved it 6 228

31/08/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my friend got a babysitter for the kids and told me she was taking me to a party. My son told me his band was playing at a party. I will be 40 tomorrow, so I thought this would be the best surprise birthday party ever. It WAS a surprise birthday party – for a friend of ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 939

You deserved it 3 508

Sobering.

By Bambusmaster - 13/09/2018 18:50

Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of 1 year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 773

You deserved it 210

24/07/2011 08:55 - Norway

Today, I was stuck in the car with my grandma for an hour as she described to me how she had looked through my great grandma's poop to make sure her calcium pills were being digested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 529

You deserved it 2 643

As a matter of fact…

By Hangryko - 11/05/2021 08:01 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my mother told me to my face that if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't have had kids. Thanks, Mum. It's not like I asked to be born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 88

06/02/2011 01:58 - United States

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 724

You deserved it 12 111

Understanding

By nothanks - 22/08/2010 13:42 - United States

Today, after struggling with an eating disorder and hiding my symptoms for months, I got up the courage to tell my mom that I need help. Then she asked if an ice cream would make me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 644

You deserved it 5 814

02/04/2016 03:01 - United States - Fremont

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 200

You deserved it 1 934

04/09/2017 13:00

Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 878

You deserved it 375

14/01/2010 08:46 - Australia

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 800

You deserved it 3 711

Lonely days

By beckbr - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 347

You deserved it 29 871

17/07/2015 14:59 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 680

You deserved it 1 946

30/03/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 250

You deserved it 4 533

21/09/2010 14:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 283

You deserved it 14 618

06/11/2011 21:05 - United Kingdom

Today, the motorway I usually use was closed off due to a major car accident. With no way off the freeway, my trip took three times longer than usual. I lost control of my bladder mid-way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 317

You deserved it 5 577

01/12/2013 06:07 - United States

Today, I reduced my psychologist to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 243

You deserved it 4 389

22/09/2016 10:58 - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 410

You deserved it 1 931

18/08/2012 20:34 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 460

You deserved it 2 331

Giddy approval!

By SailorVenus93 - 29/10/2019 20:00

Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 380

02/03/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 937

You deserved it 3 404

20/05/2012 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 999

You deserved it 3 098

19/12/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 835

You deserved it 36 518

How romantic!

By dislocated - 14/02/2018 20:30

Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 600

You deserved it 847

27/03/2018 15:00

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 873

You deserved it 284

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Dr_Phil 0

Send a private message

Thursday 5 February 2009 18:51

I think that's called a "Roman Shower". And that's gross.

genius_man16 0

Send a private message

Friday 26 June 2009 21:29

twice? dear lord, i don't want to know the circumstances

greenman_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 5 February 2009 17:22

did he at least finish?

Dr_Phil 0

Send a private message

Thursday 5 February 2009 18:51

I think that's called a "Roman Shower". And that's gross.

Butterdlyli 0

Send a private message

Thursday 5 February 2009 23:23

bullshit

gatorgirl 0

Send a private message

Friday 6 February 2009 15:38

sounds like something from tucker max

WhatThePhuc 0

Send a private message

Sunday 8 February 2009 6:05

sounds like a storyline for a bad porno

meganl_fml 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 February 2009 3:13

this made me laugh so hard. sorry.

phzzz 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 February 2009 23:40

i've done that twice, don't even worry about it

genius_man16 0

Send a private message

Friday 26 June 2009 21:29

twice? dear lord, i don't want to know the circumstances

jackainscough 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 February 2009 9:40

hahaha, i'm so very sorry for laughing. But that sucks

captcool024 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 February 2009 8:34

"i've done that twice, don't even worry about it" lol.. why? once is a mistake, twice you think its hot.

Mbpiratedude 0

Send a private message

Sunday 15 February 2009 10:53

This is by far my favorite! Nothing is funnier than when you have a chain vomit. If true, you have my condolences.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 374

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 612

You deserved it 69

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments