Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog... - FML

By ash - 4/1/2011 21:09 - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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Serious times

Ant life

Last dates

By Jared - 23/10/2015 18:08 - United States

Today, I picked up my car after I got it painted. As I backed up in the parking lot, my car scraped against a pillar. Now I have to put it right back in the shop. FML

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By me - 20/12/2010 02:26 - Bulgaria

Today, my roommate asked me to lock the door as we left our place. I told her to use my keys, because my hands were full. Afterwards, she and her boyfriend set off out of town for the next couple of days. She forgot to give me back my keys. FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By pleasedontyellatme - 20/10/2016 15:19

Today, my parents finally took me driving after months of me having my permit. I got yelled at for asking questions. I only needed to know which way they wanted me to turn on the next street after they told me to turn, but not which way. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 16:51 - Canada - Galt

Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML

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By aishyaslife89 - 6/10/2015 22:03 - United States - Dayton

Today, I found out that when I was 4 I killed my bunny by drowning it. Apparently, my aunt bribed me to do it because it pooped in her shoes. FML

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By Ohshit - 17/5/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2010 12:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2014 17:39 - United States - Glendale

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 07:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

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By healey16 - 3/4/2009 18:13 - Canada

Today, I left the iron and ironing board in my room. While I was at school, my mom decided to do some ironing, and did it in my room for convenience. The iron needed water, so she took a water bottle from my dresser and poured it in. It was my secret vodka stash, and the iron caught on fire. FML

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By FlyingFist - 4/12/2012 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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By racello13 - 2/11/2015 15:26 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2015 13:33 - Philippines - Philippine

Today, I found out the fund-raiser my uncle ran to raise money for his cancer treatment was all a sham, that he doesn't even have cancer, and that the money was to fund a coke habit nobody knew he even had. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 21:48 - Japan

Today, I not only absent-mindedly tried to scrub the natural suntan from my arm, I also spent several long seconds wondering why it wouldn't come free. FML

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By Bro - 25/3/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

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By mo - 19/12/2011 07:55 - United States

Today, my mother told me I looked like a hooker in my wedding dress. Thanks mommy. FML

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By Venus - 13/3/2014 22:28 - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

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By hermit's life - 25/12/2016 07:11 - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

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By Miss_Kat - 29/8/2019 00:01

Today, I received a two-page letter/rant from my boss notifying me of my imminent dismissal, based on issues such as me "speaking in a suppressed voice." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 18:59 - Norway

Today, I had two minutes to get to the bus stop which usually takes me eight minutes. I had to catch that bus to be at work at the hospital in time. I was in such a hurry, I didn't have the time to tie my shoe laces. I ran with untied shoe laces. I did end up in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 04:00

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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By stepsister - 10/6/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he would still love me if I became a vegetable. His response: "Well, the sex wouldn't be any different." FML

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By wtf_are_people_doing - 21/4/2020 23:00

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend for a walk. It's our anniversary, and I hadn't seen him in over a month because of the quarantine, so we agreed to meet, as long as we had the proper safety gear and were careful. On my way to meet him, I drove past a park. In it were twelve half-naked teenagers playing volleyball. FML

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By woodless - 9/12/2012 15:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML

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By asstomouth - 29/5/2010 18:20 - France

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

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By kise - 28/11/2012 06:20 - France - Paris

Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

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By Cossack_Man - 25/8/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

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By Bleh - 8/3/2019 22:00 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I found out that my new, expensive noise-canceling headphones trigger my motion sickness. FML

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By - 8/11/2019 03:00

Golden shower

Today, I had my first golden shower. Too bad it was from my cat. FML

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By Ashe - 1/6/2012 17:58 - Australia - Carrum

Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML

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By - 2/3/2019 14:00

Today, I went to pick up a pizza with my kids for an easy dinner. As soon as I opened my mouth to order, the 2-year-old in my arms vomited into it. FML

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By christiner - 6/9/2010 03:01 - France

Today, I was at work and was confronted by a customer wanting to get a "Nemo" fish. I explained that 'Nemo' needs to live in saltwater, not freshwater, like their tank was. The customer then turns around and grabs a perforated tank divider and says, "Can't I just split them up with this?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 22:59 - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

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By jojolovesyou134 - 23/6/2019 22:45

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2014 03:30 - United States - Crowley

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

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By Sad.To.Be.Me. - 13/1/2012 23:56 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

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By MyFaceHurts - 3/8/2010 10:40 - United States

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

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Top comments

By NBS93 | 0

#1929274 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Good dog.

By Bartimaeus | 7

#1929442 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 1:05

THAT'S why you throw it away in the outside trash can with the big lockable lid that is secured in that little area next to your garage... at least that's where I'd put it... not that I was there or anything...

COMMENTS

By Jizwold | 0

#1929264 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:24

what a bitch

Reply

Daileyyy | 0

#1929423 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:59

Nice doggy. Now I totally understand how dogs are "man's best friend :)"

Reply

vanilla2u | 5

#1929617 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:08

haha took me a while to get that one!

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1929624 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:11

Just say the dog was your bitch. Problem solved

Reply

perfectlylovely | 0

#1929924 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 5:55

exactly!

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1929947 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 6:18

So?

Reply

backdownbreh | 0

#1930129 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:06

it's a joysie thing.

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1930149 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:24

do dogs like the taste?

Reply

omgwork | 0

#1930171 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:40

my dog likes it

By KFCkoolaidWaterm | 0

#1929269 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Give her the finger. Let her take a picture of that.

Reply

KFCkoolaidWaterm | 0

#1929281 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

Crap. Wrong FML.
sorry...

Reply

jordo44 | 0

#1929688 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:33

yeah I was about to say haha...

By NBS93 | 0

#1929274 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Good dog.

By GawZ | 0

#1929276 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

that's what happens when bodies start slappin

Reply

swaggupby2 | 0

#1929307 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:30

LMAO!,

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#1929836 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 4:31

Tone-Loc "Wild Thing"

"I'd like to lock in those lyrics" ....What did I win?

By starrs_movingIn | 0

#1929290 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

that's beyond creepy #4...& wow, I guess your dog can put his own condom on as well, right?

By Ninjarawwr | 6

#1929292 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

i don't get it, is this a bad thing ?
i assumed you were older :P but i guess if your a teenn thats kinda bad

Reply

NrdGrl42 | 0

#1929886 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 5:14

even if OP and her bf are young adults, parents still dont like to know about their kids having sex.. especially in their house ;)

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#1929299 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:29

You dirty dog!

Reply

werty30 | 0

#1929747 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:05

HA!

Reply

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#1929751 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:18

Yes, that dirty, disgusting, double-crossing, disloyal, disobedient, despicable, disappointing, damn dog.

By TheFection | 0

#1929315 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:31

WTF god you better be kidding.

By exiledTexan | 0

#1929333 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:33

well at least the dog isn't the only bitch with a craving for jizz! YDI

By TheCoNofGamer | 1

#1929337 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:34

HAHAHAA. Opps my caps lock was on, but whatever. Hope you had a great time, your parents aren't gonna be to happy. :D