Intimacy: Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog... - FML

By ash - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Phone call anxiety

Creepy

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 20:01

Twinned

Today, I realized my boyfriend is a little too much like my ex, who passed away 6 years ago. Some days, it's as if I'm dating his personality doppleganger. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

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By Why? - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML

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By fordn4h - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML

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By badtasteinmen - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Takarazuka

Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told I don't qualify for disability benefits because I'm too young. I get this answer each time I apply, no matter how many lawyers and doctors I get. My mobility is so bad I've become wheelchair-bound and need assistance to bathe. How much worse do they want me to get? FML

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By Overflow - United States

Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML

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By alaina2001 - United States - Massillon

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because someone asked him if we were dating and he lied and said no. He said he didn't want to be a liar. FML

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By fcnk - United States

Today, I took home my grandpa's ashes. I then went out with my grandma, leaving my 5-year-old at home with my 12-year-old. When I got home, my beaming 5-year-old opened the door, covered in white powder. My grandmother asked where all the powder had come from. She pointed to the empty ashbox. FML

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By notsogoodtrainee - United States - Fargo

Today, at my first day of work, I was impressing my trainer with my skills by carrying many trays at once. Well, I could until I came around the corner and ran into a customer. With food all over his front, he introduced him self to me as the head manager. FML

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By musamalia - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

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By bigbro - Australia - Southbank

Today, I was babysitting my 6-year-old brother and was playing Mario. When I won, he called me a cunt. I was in shock and asked him where he learnt the word. He said from me when I was driving. He then told my mum that I taught him a new word. Easy to say, I'm in big trouble. FML

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By Dude - Singapore

Today, I found out that the reason I'm working as a kitchen staff instead of out on the floor of the café is because the boss does not think I'm attractive enough. My boss is my brother. FML

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By apavies444 - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents bedroom by mistake. FML

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By shmoooopie - United States - Medina

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

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By SuperBunny - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Awkward

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML

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By promdump - United States

Today, I went to visit my Grandmother, accidentally leaving my phone home during the weekend. When I got back I had 2 texts from my crush. One saying "I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?" and the other saying, "Fine fattie, I'll ask someone else." FML

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By joe - United States

Today, I was in the checkout line at Foodmax around 11:30pm. Three girls behind me were buying Tequila, salt and some limes. I was buying frozen pizza and some toilet paper. They were going to an awesome party. I was going home to eat pizza by myself. FML

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By pieceofcake163 - United States

ESPN Love

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

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By oxjessiiox - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

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By _whyy_mee - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

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By allalone - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

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By blower - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

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By Not That Old - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

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By daRN - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was insulted online by a teenager who said that I was probably a fat loser that still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got in line for my flight to visit a friend in England. My mom was there to see me off, and decided to shout "No sex!" while waving, in front of at least a hundred people who will very likely be sharing the transatlantic flight with me. FML

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By justno

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

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By littlepsychgirl - United States

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

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By tman - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out why my cups of tea have been tasting a bit funny. It turns out my kettle is full of ants, so every time I boil water to make tea, the ants get re-boiled along with it. FML

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By terrible person

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to break down and cry because his mother hates me for unknown reasons. I walked in, gave him a long hug, and started sobbing. I then saw his mother. She was visiting him to complain about how terrible a person I am. FML

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By jillydark6609 - United States

Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

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Top comments

By NBS93 | 0

#1929274 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Good dog.

By Bartimaeus | 7

#1929442 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 1:05

THAT'S why you throw it away in the outside trash can with the big lockable lid that is secured in that little area next to your garage... at least that's where I'd put it... not that I was there or anything...

COMMENTS

By Jizwold | 0

#1929264 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:24

what a bitch

Reply

Daileyyy | 0

#1929423 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:59

Nice doggy. Now I totally understand how dogs are "man's best friend :)"

Reply

vanilla2u | 5

#1929617 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:08

haha took me a while to get that one!

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1929624 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:11

Just say the dog was your bitch. Problem solved

Reply

perfectlylovely | 0

#1929924 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 5:55

exactly!

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1929947 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 6:18

So?

Reply

backdownbreh | 0

#1930129 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:06

it's a joysie thing.

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1930149 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:24

do dogs like the taste?

Reply

omgwork | 0

#1930171 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:40

my dog likes it

By KFCkoolaidWaterm | 0

#1929269 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Give her the finger. Let her take a picture of that.

Reply

KFCkoolaidWaterm | 0

#1929281 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

Crap. Wrong FML.
sorry...

Reply

jordo44 | 0

#1929688 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:33

yeah I was about to say haha...

By NBS93 | 0

#1929274 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Good dog.

By GawZ | 0

#1929276 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

that's what happens when bodies start slappin

Reply

swaggupby2 | 0

#1929307 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:30

LMAO!,

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#1929836 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 4:31

Tone-Loc "Wild Thing"

"I'd like to lock in those lyrics" ....What did I win?

By starrs_movingIn | 0

#1929290 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

that's beyond creepy #4...& wow, I guess your dog can put his own condom on as well, right?

By Ninjarawwr | 6

#1929292 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

i don't get it, is this a bad thing ?
i assumed you were older :P but i guess if your a teenn thats kinda bad

Reply

NrdGrl42 | 0

#1929886 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 5:14

even if OP and her bf are young adults, parents still dont like to know about their kids having sex.. especially in their house ;)

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#1929299 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:29

You dirty dog!

Reply

werty30 | 0

#1929747 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:05

HA!

Reply

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#1929751 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:18

Yes, that dirty, disgusting, double-crossing, disloyal, disobedient, despicable, disappointing, damn dog.

By TheFection | 0

#1929315 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:31

WTF god you better be kidding.

By exiledTexan | 0

#1929333 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:33

well at least the dog isn't the only bitch with a craving for jizz! YDI

By TheCoNofGamer | 1

#1929337 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:34

HAHAHAA. Opps my caps lock was on, but whatever. Hope you had a great time, your parents aren't gonna be to happy. :D