Intimacy: Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog... - FML

By ash - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Misheard

All for nothing

By Scarlet

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

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By sy123 - United States - Frankfort

Today, I had an ovarian cyst rupture at work, causing sudden severe stomach cramps; this caused my bowels to release everything right then and there, while on the phone with a customer, in the middle of the call center surrounded by 200 other sales reps. FML

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By ...... - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

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By oh - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that even though I was an honor student throughout school, and considered the golden child who was going to go far in life, all I've accomplished a year after graduation is becoming an unemployed single mother still living with my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bexley

Today, my bitch of a sister broke my new phone, which took me months of work to earn. Her excuse? If I didn't want her to break it, I shouldn't have let her use it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my 19 year old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

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By shwasted - United States

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

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By buymeflavoredlube

Spit or Swallow?

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML

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By newlywed - United States

Today, I married a wonderful man. Even though both of us were no longer virgins, we decided to wait until marriage to sleep together. He just told me I was the worst he's ever had. FML

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By Shaving it off

Today, when I showed someone my 9-year old passport, she commented, “you look so different! Now you have that Jason Statham thing going on!” My hair goes down to my shoulders; this confirms my receding hairline is real and it’s time to come to grips. At least I’m over 30. FML

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By GetAnotherRoomAlready - United States - Singapore

Today, I woke up at 2 AM to the sounds of my roommate and his girlfriend on Skype, playing a game of, "No, I love YOU more, baby, schmoopy schmoopy schmoopy schmoo". It went on for around half an hour. FML

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By Out of Ice Cream - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it over Snapchat because he said he didn't want to hear me sad over the phone and wanted to save data. Three years down the drain. FML

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By waterproblem - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By thebrokentardis - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike to work. In the hospital, every single nurse lectured me about how I wouldn't be here if I wore a helmet, which I'm sure would be really helpful to my broken leg. FML

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By 3sacrowd - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

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By Clumsy - United States

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and busted my head on the floor. FML

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By midwify - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

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By confusing - Zimbabwe

Artistry

Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML

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By Boyufd

Show and tell

Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML

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By Embarrassed - Australia - Adelaide

Oh, hi!

Today, I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in ages who lives alone out in the country. I arrived and found the front door unlocked but no one was home. I went in anyway and helped myself to some food. Then a family I had never seen before came in, and I realized it wasn't my friend's house. FML

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By collegebroke - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

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By Intheway - United States

Today, the guy I've been dating tells me that I need to stop hanging on him in public because it's ruining his game with other girls. FML

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By hahasuckit - United States

Today, my friends and I were shopping for dresses. I asked the lady at the counter for a size 4, she looked at me and mumbled "Yeah right." in front of everyone. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out on a dinner date when suddenly a girl walks up to us and says to my date, "Girl, you can do so much better." Hearing this, my date looks at me, nods, gets up and walks off. I still had to pay for everything. FML

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By CallmeEddie - United States - Joliet

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

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By ditzen - United States

Today, I went to pick up my paycheck at the convenience store I work at. While there, two frat boys came in and bought seventeen 30 packs of beer. That comes to about $300. They spent more at the store in one day than I get paid in two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML

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By StillHurt - United States

Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

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By cl4ptp - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

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By safariboo - United States

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

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By Merlin - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got an interview at a restaurant after looking for a job for three months. I dressed nice, and the interview was going well until this blonde girl in booty shorts and fishnets walked in. The manager hired her on the spot. FML

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By SadDaenerys

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

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Top comments

By NBS93 | 0

#1929274 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Good dog.

By Bartimaeus | 7

#1929442 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 1:05

THAT'S why you throw it away in the outside trash can with the big lockable lid that is secured in that little area next to your garage... at least that's where I'd put it... not that I was there or anything...

COMMENTS

By Jizwold | 0

#1929264 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:24

what a bitch

Reply

Daileyyy | 0

#1929423 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:59

Nice doggy. Now I totally understand how dogs are "man's best friend :)"

Reply

vanilla2u | 5

#1929617 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:08

haha took me a while to get that one!

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1929624 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:11

Just say the dog was your bitch. Problem solved

Reply

perfectlylovely | 0

#1929924 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 5:55

exactly!

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1929947 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 6:18

So?

Reply

backdownbreh | 0

#1930129 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:06

it's a joysie thing.

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1930149 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:24

do dogs like the taste?

Reply

omgwork | 0

#1930171 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:40

my dog likes it

By KFCkoolaidWaterm | 0

#1929269 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Give her the finger. Let her take a picture of that.

Reply

KFCkoolaidWaterm | 0

#1929281 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

Crap. Wrong FML.
sorry...

Reply

jordo44 | 0

#1929688 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 2:33

yeah I was about to say haha...

By NBS93 | 0

#1929274 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:25

Good dog.

By GawZ | 0

#1929276 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

that's what happens when bodies start slappin

Reply

swaggupby2 | 0

#1929307 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:30

LMAO!,

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#1929836 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 4:31

Tone-Loc "Wild Thing"

"I'd like to lock in those lyrics" ....What did I win?

By starrs_movingIn | 0

#1929290 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

that's beyond creepy #4...& wow, I guess your dog can put his own condom on as well, right?

By Ninjarawwr | 6

#1929292 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:27

i don't get it, is this a bad thing ?
i assumed you were older :P but i guess if your a teenn thats kinda bad

Reply

NrdGrl42 | 0

#1929886 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 5:14

even if OP and her bf are young adults, parents still dont like to know about their kids having sex.. especially in their house ;)

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#1929299 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:29

You dirty dog!

Reply

werty30 | 0

#1929747 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:05

HA!

Reply

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#1929751 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:18

Yes, that dirty, disgusting, double-crossing, disloyal, disobedient, despicable, disappointing, damn dog.

By TheFection | 0

#1929315 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:31

WTF god you better be kidding.

By exiledTexan | 0

#1929333 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:33

well at least the dog isn't the only bitch with a craving for jizz! YDI

By TheCoNofGamer | 1

#1929337 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:34

HAHAHAA. Opps my caps lock was on, but whatever. Hope you had a great time, your parents aren't gonna be to happy. :D