Intimacy: Today, my sister and I were having a slumber party in my room... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 33

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 134

08/06/2013 06:38

Spicy

Today, my sister and I were having a slumber party in my room since my parents left on a trip. They left my grandparents here to watch us. It was past bed time and we started hearing some strange noises through my floor. We thought it was the radio. Turns out my grandma is a screamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 178

You deserved it 5 152

Send a private message

Sunday 9 June 2013 4:36

Hey in totally glad they can still do that shit.. Just not while they are staying at my house, in my parents bed...

Mother of the year

Family values

The more the merrier

30/01/2009 22:08

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 635

You deserved it 3 235

26/07/2011 01:32

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 597

You deserved it 3 011

03/07/2014 17:53

Today, I was showing the guy I like something on my phone. My period tracking app decided it was the perfect time to tell me that I need to stock up on tampons, because I'm getting my period tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 398

You deserved it 8 626

23/06/2019 02:27

Today, I’ve been violently ill with diarrhea, and have been for past three days. I finally discovered why. It's because I ate a piece of candy off the recently-cleaned floor last week. My immune system is so weak, it can’t respect the 5-second rule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 1 224

Start 'em young

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 23:00

Today, my 3 year-old toddler wanted to try my wine. I kept telling her it’s adult juice and she wouldn’t like it. When she kept bugging me about it I gave in, and gave her a tiny sip. She liked it, and continued to bug me about it even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 1 331

21/11/2014 20:07

Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 321

You deserved it 4 770

Scammers gonna scam

By CrystalsDontWork - 01/09/2021 11:15

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer, as well as a soothsayer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 151

You deserved it 2 806

20/09/2009 23:19

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 123

You deserved it 3 895

05/10/2009 05:27

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 169

You deserved it 3 830

It's just a ride

By fatherof4 - 26/07/2021 04:01

Today, I realized that this is it. We are here for the blink of an eye, then dead. What if God doesn’t exist, then nothing has any meaning. I’ve been almost frozen in terror at this thought for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 511

08/02/2017 20:00

Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 981

You deserved it 845

03/02/2014 20:11

Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me and asking me out. Each time, I refused him, because I'm taken. When I proudly told my boyfriend, he said, "What the hell? I could've kissed the mouth that kissed the Iron Man!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 184

You deserved it 9 180

14/11/2009 21:59

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 555

You deserved it 47 260

05/04/2016 20:31

Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 765

You deserved it 1 320

16/09/2009 06:15

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 719

You deserved it 60 814

Oh shit…

By half-dead in CA - 31/05/2014 16:39

Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 244

You deserved it 4 001

18/10/2013 03:11

Spicy

Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 080

You deserved it 7 050

Life imitates art

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 14:29

Today, it's now the 10th girl who has gone out with me but ended up falling for one of my close friends, who she met through me. I starting to feel I am that guy in the movie "Good Luck Chuck". FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 65

19/05/2011 22:57

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 119

You deserved it 4 395

06/04/2009 14:42

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 435

You deserved it 166 318

27/05/2011 23:30

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 861

You deserved it 4 554

08/02/2012 05:04

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 098

You deserved it 4 187

08/11/2010 10:55

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 777

You deserved it 5 962

26/03/2018 12:00

Today, I got fired because I abruptly hung up on my boss while being pulled over for talking in a hands free zone. I also got a $300 fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 706

You deserved it 2 086

25/08/2012 21:59

Today, my swimming coach made us swim fifty laps non-stop as punishment for his previous class being unable to swim a drill properly. They're 8-11 year olds who are still learning to swim. I feel like my arms and legs are filled with lead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 148

You deserved it 2 339

26/02/2017 11:00

Today, after finally breaking my addiction to sleeping pills, right as I was drifting off to sleep at my first decent drug-free time in over 4 years... I got the hiccups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 475

You deserved it 521

02/08/2011 17:35

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 414

You deserved it 5 275

16/11/2010 15:34

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 743

You deserved it 13 319

Office life sucks

By Anonymous - 02/11/2019 02:00

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 311

You deserved it 196

18/12/2010 09:11

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 329

You deserved it 4 454

17/02/2015 01:04

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 584

You deserved it 38 218

04/10/2013 02:56

Today, after watching an episode of New Girl, my boyfriend became obsessed with the "Cotton-eyed Joe" song. He won't stop playing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 386

You deserved it 4 654

03/11/2015 15:43

Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 566

You deserved it 2 161

20/03/2009 17:11

Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw my boss pulling into a spot. I thought I would show him my reverse parking skills and decided to park beside him. As I was pulling in he opened his door to get out and I smashed into it, nearly running him over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 433

You deserved it 70 139

Smooth talkin' dude

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 01:48

Spicy

Today, I realized the nicest thing my fiancé has said to me all month was that I have "very suckable titties." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 793

You deserved it 5 862

He is worried

By Anonymous - 08/02/2020 01:00

Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 009

You deserved it 220

22/04/2016 03:30

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 615

You deserved it 12 146

19/03/2009 15:47

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 236

You deserved it 55 256

01/11/2011 14:52

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 145

You deserved it 39 781

Introversion pains

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 09:01

Today, I was trying to give my friend a present for his birthday. Unfortunately, he and most of my friends are loud extroverts. After what seemed like an hour of waiting for them to shut their pie holes so I could give my present to him, I just left it on the table and walked out. No one even noticed I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 280

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Top comments

BlowinChronic 18

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:15

That's what you get for staying up past bed time. You risk being mentally scarred when you do that shit.

AdamsNumberOne 16

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:14

At least u didnt see it happen like other fmls did?

Comments

Jseldi 10

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:13

Hahhaha, how embarrassing!

AdamsNumberOne 16

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:16

What do u mean embarrassing

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:42

Well hey, they gotta stay young and free! Age is just a number...right?

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:44

Yeah, and grandma and grandpa are 69

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Saturday 8 June 2013 17:57

"It makes feel young again! Like I'm back in high school, all the guys want the goodies but only one can get em!"

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Saturday 8 June 2013 22:33

Gosh... Age is clearly a word #20

KayBo 13

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Sunday 9 June 2013 1:40

I really need to learn not to read FML's while eating.

AdamsNumberOne 16

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:14

At least u didnt see it happen like other fmls did?

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Saturday 8 June 2013 17:52

but imagination does not help either

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Monday 10 June 2013 0:47

True

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Saturday 14 March 2015 5:49

What makes you think they didnt see it? Maybe they went and checked, hence "thought" and finding out it was her grandma

cash_monkey72 9

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:15

Screamer as in she was freaking out, or screamer as in she's the lead singer of a Deathcore band?

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Saturday 8 June 2013 17:05

Neither

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Saturday 8 June 2013 18:02

Screamer, as in she was praising the pharmaceutical industry.

WonkeyDonkey 10

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Saturday 8 June 2013 18:16

NOPE! Screamer as in Grandpa was knocking Grandmas socks off ;) PMSL

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Saturday 8 June 2013 21:25

Kill

Glitter_taco_ 10

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Sunday 9 June 2013 0:01

Screamer as in sexual pleasure moans

carnage45567 10

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Sunday 9 June 2013 6:26

The old lady has life in her yet now op can say "oh my grandma is a scream" 

mn_shr 22

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Sunday 9 June 2013 23:08

No shit #64

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:15

Hey old people are aloyd to do it too you know...not that i'd want to hear it either

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Saturday 8 June 2013 18:50

Nice spelling

BlowinChronic 18

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:15

That's what you get for staying up past bed time. You risk being mentally scarred when you do that shit.

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:39

You either sleep a mentally unscarred child or stay awake long enough to become a FML poster.

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Saturday 8 June 2013 17:54

or both

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:15

"Oh Das nastyyy" - Cleveland Brown

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Saturday 8 June 2013 19:04

"And boom goes the dynamite"

MissWhitneyB 17

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:16

Should have went to bed on time ! But hey, better hearing it than to have witnessed it

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:16

Very true, very true

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:16

You should... You should stay at a trusted friends. Yikes, but ya have to respect them still loving it that age!

clemsi 20

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Sunday 9 June 2013 7:07

What is the point of the first you should?

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:18

While the location and screaming is unfortunate for you, don't begrudge them a little nookie. Contrary to popular belief, the libido doesn't stop after young adulthood.

perdix 29

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Saturday 8 June 2013 16:18

Sounds like they're having a funner slumber party than you are. You gotta hand it to Grandpa for bringing it so hard he still makes her scream!

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Saturday 8 June 2013 19:22

^ No.

perdix 29

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Saturday 8 June 2013 21:24

#38, if there is any silver lining to having lost both grandmothers, it might be that I don't have to face either one with this image in mind.

perdix 29

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Sunday 9 June 2013 0:15

#57, sorry that your comment boomeranged. I often get disturbing images from reading these stories and sharing them with the world as comments makes me feel better somehow.