Transportation: Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just...

By marlow - Canada

Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML

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Transportation

And today, on Dr Phil…

My body, my choice

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the orthodontist's to get my braces tightened, and I chose baby blue bands. Turns out they make my teeth look extremely yellow. Only a month and a half to go. FML

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By MLGreco - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

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By missPiggy - Norway

Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML

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By DookDaSpook - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was in a very important meeting on Skype, my apartment complex was evacuated due to the fire alarm going off. The reason was that my neighbor put a fork in his microwave due to him being extremely drunk. FML

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By Anonymous

Can't win

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

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By KatieB - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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32440

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By NeverLookingAgain - United States

Today, I faced my fears. I've always had a weird fear of looking out of windows at night, afraid a face would suddenly appear. When I heard a strange noise outside, I looked out the window. Sure enough, the face of a man suddenly appeared. FML

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26332

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By Morgan Jones

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

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1455

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By Irony - United States

Today, my dad took a call while driving. He always yells and curses at people who talk on their cell while driving. I asked him to get off the phone because it's dangerous, and told him he's being a hypocrite. He shook his head at me and continued talking. Seconds later, we got into an accident. FML

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42617

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By Tiana - United States

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after failing my Ls twice in the previous weeks, I finally passed. As I got home, I went for a drive with my dad. I smashed my mums car into an old ladys fence and ended up in her backyard. FML

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By Not impressed. - Canada - Toronto

Today, working in a department store, I spent at least 30 minutes helping a verbally abusive elderly woman in a wheelchair find an appropriate jacket for winter. She finally asked me to retrieve one she wanted in her size. When I returned she was in deep sleep, snoring and all. FML

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39523

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By BasicallySodaFlavoredWater - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

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21999

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By Murphy's law

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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2269

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159

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By sounds good mom - United States - Katy

Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML

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12017

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By Anonymous - United States - Royersford

Today, my very conservative mom met my girlfriend, who recently shaved her head in support of her best friend, who has cancer. My girlfriend looks beautiful and feminine even with her still very short hair. My mom, however, keeps insisting that I'm dating "a confused transgender". FML

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40175

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 05:00

Issues

Today, I woke up from a vivid dream in which I murdered my entire family. It took 20 minutes after waking up, drenched in sweat and tears, to realize I'm not a murderer and my life is OK. This dream is recurring. FML

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1706

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By Anonymous

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

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13191

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By independant - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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2652

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By khlonnae - United States - Dayton

Today, while hanging out with my boyfriend, I started getting ready for bed. As I grabbed my face wipes, he said, “Wait, don't take off your makeup because then you'll be ugly.“ FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling unusually self-confident, so I decided to skip putting on makeup for the day. On my way to class, I passed some guys selling towels. One of them jeered, "Wanna be prettier? Buy a towel, and throw it over your face!" There goes my self-confidence. FML

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36018

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

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By SuperJesus - United Kingdom

Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML

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69256

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By Awkward - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was caller number nine on the radio, meaning I technically won the contest. I was too awkward, so they hung up on me. FML

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20686

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By Ex-girlfried - United States

Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML

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By Quackadoodledoo - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

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39102

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By dentistvictim - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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46660

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By Anonyme - France - Ivry-sur-seine

Today, a man in a hurry asked me for a light. Not being able to find my lighter amongst the muddle inside my handbag, I handed him my lit cigarette so he could light his. He took it from me, started smoking it and walked off. FML

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25065

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm travelling across the country with my family. My grandma thought it would be a good idea to take her shoes off. It's been 5 minutes and my eyes are watering from the stench. We still have over 200 miles left until we get home. FML

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21868

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By thisucks - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

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33030

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By singleasapringle - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went back to my high school for an event with some of my friends, both of which are in relationships. Whilst there we saw our favorite teacher, who hugged us and said, "I heard you have a boyfriend! And so do you!" And then she turned to me and said, "And... And you're doing great things!" FML

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19859

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By RomanceFail - United States - Crestwood

Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML

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29961

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New deal

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "No", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "Deal." FML

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2584

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By romancocks - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

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37226

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5772

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By stink - Australia - Sydney

Today, after working alone in a room all day, I let a fart sneak out. Just then, my drop dead gorgeous boss and two new girls walked in. I could literally see them hit the stench and cringe. FML

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28341

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By justfired - Canada

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

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By Beeky - United States - Helena

Today, I was excited to receive a rejection letter, because this was the first company to even acknowledge that I sent them a resume. FML

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44888

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

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42031

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By adopted apparently

Today, I found out the joke I’ve been telling for 15 years is true. I am adopted. FML

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2244

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 02:00

Live dumping

Today, I was having a mass lecture, for 3 classes combined, all microphones muted. I wanted to go to the toilet, so I connected my headphones, and I did my job massively while listening to the teacher. Suddenly, the teacher said, "Oh, close your mic for the love of god." 85 students heard me taking a shit. FML

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Top comments

By JohnnyszGurl | 0

#728633 - Sunday 20 December 2009 18:14

your fault for letting him sleep on you.
bring some tissue paper next time

By jtaylor69 | 0

#2921 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:51

smack that bitch off like you smack your bitch cock off every night, bitch

COMMENTS

By jtaylor69 | 0

#2921 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:51

smack that bitch off like you smack your bitch cock off every night, bitch

pedosmurf | 7

#5144042 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 4:40

Smack a bitch

By lilcuti3pi389 | 0

#202831 - Saturday 16 May 2009 2:14

gross, move out of the way

By ifreshballa23 | 0

#325727 - Sunday 21 June 2009 5:10

Only 4 comments?

By zippyboy | 0

#457842 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 2:44

lucky # 5. ps. THAT SUXXXXXX!!!!!!

By somename1223132 | 5

#655680 - Thursday 5 November 2009 6:54

Wow

By Ross_H | 0

#668351 - Thursday 12 November 2009 21:59

So give him a rude awakening.

By JohnnyszGurl | 0

#728633 - Sunday 20 December 2009 18:14

your fault for letting him sleep on you.
bring some tissue paper next time

By Jueezi | 0

#840940 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 13:09

^^^ STFU you rudeass....some people are actually nice... I know, shocking!

xHabsfanx | 0

#874827 - Saturday 20 February 2010 8:12

Letting people drool on you is nice?!

Boomi | 38

#6687487 - Sunday 11 September 2016 8:30

I was going to say something along those lines! Maybe the dude has a crying baby or something at home and needs the sleep.

By bonnieandclyde44 | 0

#860256 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 2:40

hahaha

By HelloNoora1 | 0

#2752611 - Saturday 25 June 2011 1:02

Just move