Transportation: Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just...

By marlow - Canada

Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML

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Transportation

Dangling modifier

Kids and their wacky crazes

Assumption Day

By Czechplease - United States

Today, my mom told my girlfriend an embarrassing story about me, along the lines of whenever my parents would take me school clothes shopping, I'd cry because I hated all the choices they gave me. The most recent incident of this? Last year. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML

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By MonieIndmiddle

Today, my kids caught a virus from school. My husband stayed home with them since I make more money and he didn't want to risk me getting sick. Guess which adult has the runs and is puking every five seconds. Nope, not him. FML

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By rockytrolley - Cyprus

Today, my taxi driver kept falling asleep and swerving off the road, so I asked him if he was okay. He stopped and burst out sobbing about the long hours he had to do after his divorce and his wife taking all he had. Long story short, I ended up driving him home and getting a taxi from his place. FML

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By halitosis - United States - Compton

Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends, and when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After searching for the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was my breath. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a mother. This was a mystery, since I take birth control and use condoms all the time. Or, at least, it was, until my mother admitted to swapping my pills and poking holes in my condoms so she could have a grandchild before she died. FML

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By Anonymous

Fetish

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

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By Anonymous - Zambia

Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got lost trying to find the hospital my sister was giving birth in. I stopped at a store to call my mom for directions. A cop pulled up beside me and knocked loudly on my window asking me to get out. The store had been robbed and I am now a suspect. FML

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By Peter - United States

Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML

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By Mightaswelltutordogs - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

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By SickBoi - 30/3/2021 14:01 - United States - Cambridge

Hot lava from both ends

Today, I was suffering from food poisoning and had constant diarrhea, along with feeling nauseous. I couldn't hold my vomit in and rushed to the toilet, but due to the pressure, I pooped while still in pajamas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

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By Buzz

Today, I've been caffeine-free for 2 weeks. It's turned me into a constipated angry bitch. FML

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By NathanPlays - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

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By ChiefKoala

This is America

Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

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By OUCH - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

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By Millar - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I witnessed a postal worker with an important parcel stopping before knocking on my door, shrugging, getting back in his van, and driving away. I couldn't get the door open quickly enough before he left. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. FML

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By Haitwun - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

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By badplannning - United States - Naperville

Today, my date suggested we go to 10:30 p.m. movie so we could "talk" in the car afterwards, when the parking lot was empty. Thus, at 1 a.m., I thought we were going to make out. However, he only asked where I get my car air freshener from, had me write down the scent, and then suggested we go home. FML

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By dickface - Canada

Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

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By widow - United States

RIP

Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML

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By Savy - United States - Phoenix

Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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By dentistftw - United States

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

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By ow

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

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By alone - China

Today, I was sent home from work early because of structural issues. I walked in on my unemployed boyfriend cuddling another woman on the couch. When I confronted them, he freaked out and kept trying to convince me that I was dreaming. I don't know what I ever saw in this loser. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my grandmother sat me down and gave me a talk about the importance of personal hygiene. According to her, it's important that I shower twice a day, because "Fat people tend to have a most curious smell about them." FML

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31532

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By Sleeping Beauty - United States - Jamestown

Lookin' good

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

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By elijah - United States

Today, my mom bitched me out, calling me a selfish pig and saying that the reason I don't have a girlfriend is because I'm so conceited. All of this because I started watching the latest episodes of Breaking Bad without her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, as a respected artist I was running a workshop with a bunch of rowdy college kids. I was in the middle of demonstrating a painting technique when I accidentally washed my paintbrush in my coffee instead of my paint water. They waited until I then drank from it to burst out in hysterics. FML

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By insideout - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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By ip7 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I was sitting in a library when a cute boy approached me, so I grabbed the nearest book. When he asked me what I was reading, I said I was revising for an English test. He laughed and pointed out that my book was in French. FML

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By Leyla - United States - Franklin

Today, my boyfriend and I respectfully asked my landlady if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet. He was robbed at gunpoint in his house last night. Landlady then yelled because we aren't married, and then showed up at my door at 10pm, "just making sure John isn't here". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

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By pissedandcomputerless - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

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By juliette - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

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Top comments

By JohnnyszGurl | 0

#728633 - Sunday 20 December 2009 18:14

your fault for letting him sleep on you.
bring some tissue paper next time

By jtaylor69 | 0

#2921 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:51

smack that bitch off like you smack your bitch cock off every night, bitch

COMMENTS

By jtaylor69 | 0

#2921 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:51

smack that bitch off like you smack your bitch cock off every night, bitch

pedosmurf | 7

#5144042 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 4:40

Smack a bitch

By lilcuti3pi389 | 0

#202831 - Saturday 16 May 2009 2:14

gross, move out of the way

By ifreshballa23 | 0

#325727 - Sunday 21 June 2009 5:10

Only 4 comments?

By zippyboy | 0

#457842 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 2:44

lucky # 5. ps. THAT SUXXXXXX!!!!!!

By somename1223132 | 5

#655680 - Thursday 5 November 2009 6:54

Wow

By Ross_H | 0

#668351 - Thursday 12 November 2009 21:59

So give him a rude awakening.

By JohnnyszGurl | 0

#728633 - Sunday 20 December 2009 18:14

your fault for letting him sleep on you.
bring some tissue paper next time

By Jueezi | 0

#840940 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 13:09

^^^ STFU you rudeass....some people are actually nice... I know, shocking!

xHabsfanx | 0

#874827 - Saturday 20 February 2010 8:12

Letting people drool on you is nice?!

Boomi | 38

#6687487 - Sunday 11 September 2016 8:30

I was going to say something along those lines! Maybe the dude has a crying baby or something at home and needs the sleep.

By bonnieandclyde44 | 0

#860256 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 2:40

hahaha

By HelloNoora1 | 0

#2752611 - Saturday 25 June 2011 1:02

Just move