Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted... - FML

By birthday blues - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Boom, headshot

Public transport FTW

By Lexi801 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

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By twohoursclosertodeath - United States - Austin

Today, I had to suffer through a two-hour long trivia game with my boyfriend's family. As if that wasn't annoying enough, my boyfriend caused the pair of us to lose by just a single point, because he answered "Quebec" to the question of "What is the capital city of France?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 20:01

She's lost control again

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

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By ohhelllllno - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

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By alynna007 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

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By bad son - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

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By Shodan2112 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

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By Carmen VanDiest - 24/4/2020 02:00

Legit logic

Today, I asked my husband why his socks are always inside-out in the laundry basket. He replied, "So the insides get clean." FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I woke up at 4:40AM and went to the kitchen. My brother and his steel-capped boots easily found me in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cranford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I like, who also happens to be my coworker. She told my boss, and they're laughing about it as I type this. FML

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By Joey - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

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By Evelyn - United States

Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom bought me pepper spray in case anyone tried to "mess" with me. I put it in my purse. Later, a guy snatched my purse before I even had the chance to take out the pepper spray. FML

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By That guy - 15/10/2020 17:01

So you had a bad day…

Today, I woke up early for work and spent 30 minutes frantically looking for my keys. I had to take a 30-minute Uber ride to work, then drove an hour in the company truck, only to be stood up. FML

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By Sad nerd - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By Loot - United States

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

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By Rosies - France

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML

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By lgt5628 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

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By Annie - India

Today, I was having a romantic conversation with my boyfriend under the stars. He said, "You know how there are people who are beautiful on the inside and people who are beautiful on the outside? Yeah, well you're one of those 'inside' people." FML

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By Ya - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was let go from my balloon-selling job at the zoo. They put a new monkey cage in my designated spot. I was literally fired so a monkey could take my place. FML

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By Kevin - Canada

Today, my parents took my laptop, cut the Internet, took my car keys and TV, and removed my bedroom door. Why? Because they thought the plant I was growing for my science project was a marijuana plant. Oh yeah, they took that too. My presentation is tomorrow. FML

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By regrettably well rested - United States - Clearfield

Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh I had an itch..." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my crackhead neighbour got slightly annoyed at my 2-day-old daughter's late-night wailing. Well, I think so, anyway, as she politely requested us to "SHUT THAT CUNT KID UP." or she would "BLOW BOTH OUR HOUSES UP, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS." But I'm not 100% sure. FML

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By Devin - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

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By Anonymous

Today I sneezed and shit myself in bed. It was the first time I ever slept at my girlfriends house, and probably the last time as well. FML

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By GhillieSuitsnBiscuits - United States - Portland

Today, I had a lady come up to me in a store just to tell me how bad my acne was and what remedies I should use. I got so embarrassed, all I could say was, "OK" and, "Thank you" until she left me alone. FML

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By Coldandshoeless - United States - Hackettstown

Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML

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By perpetuallyscrewed

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

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By Kiki - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

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By dripping sink - United States

Today, I was getting ready to go out when I noticed that after several months of annoyance, the faucet stopped dripping. I started to dance around my bathroom when all of a sudden I slipped and hit my head on the sink. The faucet is dripping again. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after two months of being teased by my friends for getting wasted and passing out from only one shot, I learned that I wasn't actually too weak to handle the alcohol. My "friends" had secretly laced my drink with sleeping pills. They're now teasing me for believing them. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6710972 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:57

"So, who'd you vote for?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Birthday."

"Happy Birthday? W—"

"Thanks! You're the first to say that!"

By Welshite | 39

#6710963 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:31

Yourself. You wrote your name in on the ballot and checked it. It's your own little birthday gift to you.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6710963 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:31

Yourself. You wrote your name in on the ballot and checked it. It's your own little birthday gift to you.

By Screwie | 25

#6710964 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:32

Obligatory "who'd you vote for, OP?"

By half_past_hell | 4

#6710966 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:43

Happy birthday! I hope you're enjoying the apocalypse.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6710968 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:49

Happy Birthday to my fellow Scorpio then. Mine is on Veteran's Day.

By RichardPencil | 29

#6710970 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:50

So, who did you vote for?

If you voted for the wrong candidate: Thank you for murdering America. You ruined democracy, you fucking prick!

If you voted for the right candidate: My heartiest best wishes for you to have a wonderful year. All my personal best!

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6710989 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 8:35

There is no wrong or right, it's all a matter of opinion.

Reply

DeadIllusion | 7

#6711279 - Thursday 10 November 2016 15:51

That's the point of the JOKE

By Tripartita | 44

#6710972 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:57

"So, who'd you vote for?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Birthday."

"Happy Birthday? W—"

"Thanks! You're the first to say that!"

By Shekelstein | 6

#6710975 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:20

DUDE SAME HERE xD
even my mom and bros forgot about my birthday lol

By tsr1993 | 16

#6710976 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:25

Happy Birthday ????

By cassandralorene | 12

#6710977 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:25

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday
happy birthday
happy birthday to you

Reply

cupcakebruh | 21

#6710983 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 8:18

Happy happy birthday! I sing this song to you! I wish it were my birthday! So I could party too! Woo! ?

By ForeverJasmine | 26

#6710978 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:28

So. Who'd you vote for?