Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted... - FML

By birthday blues - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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BO Central

Coherence dude, do you have it?

You ass!

By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

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By Crawling

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place, looking drop dead gorgeous. However, she preferred the idea of sleeping, and here I am on my laptop. FML

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By GamerGirl - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating so I broke up with him. As revenge he threw my PS3 and XBox out of the window when I wasn't in our house. I got those consoles out of the spare money my three jobs had brought in - the same three jobs I had to get because he refused to get a job of his own. FML

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By Cody - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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By vetstudentdream - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By Discouraged despite my effort

Today, I told my future MIL that we couldn't see her on Christmas because I have to work that day passing out gifts to elderly patients, but that I would call off work to travel to see her any day after. That isn't good enough, so she asked my fiance to spend Christmas without me. FML

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By lying fuck! - 22/6/2020 14:02

Shameless

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

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By Tenniemo - United States

Today, while packing up my classroom, I had a sudden stinging pain in my finger. Since I live in Arizona, my first thought was a black widow or scorpion, but the ER doctor didn't believe me and said it's nothing. Tell that to my tingling swollen arm. It’s been 4 hours. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By familyfued

Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife. FML

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By I'm a joke?

Today, I found out that me having a boyfriend is an on-going family joke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

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By fEk - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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By wow

Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

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By Joe - Cambodia

Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

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By Eduardo - 18/4/2021 20:00

Hard no

Today, my 30-year old cousin, who is unemployed, parasitic and never completed high-school, whose girlfriend is a crack addict, wants to move into my place. He was evicted from an apartment building two weeks ago for assaulting some neighbors. FML

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By HelloDrMeAgain

Ouch

Today, my girlfriend's "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting and cold-sweating while pissing acidic blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

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By sunshine

Today, I saw my uncle after six months. The first thing he says to me is, 'I didn't even recognize you! You've gained so much weight.' Gee thanks uncle. Just what I wanted to hear. FML

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By Anonymous

I miss the hungry years…

Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML

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By Nice guy finishing last.

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

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By PokeTheBear - Canada

Today, my coworkers decided to play a game of "Who Can Piss the Boss Off the Most". I opted not to play, but I still won. FML

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By justagirl - United States - Roseville

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

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By

Right in the kisser

Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

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By Coley - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

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By talhabilal - Pakistan

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

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By notyourmummy - United Kingdom - Ryde

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

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By FenderBender - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the hairdresser on a spur of the moment decision to get a quick wash and cut. 45 painful minutes and $180 later, I honestly don't know if anything was actually done to my hair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. FML

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By Robert Herrin

Today, being the man of the house, I decided to work on the car. Long story short, there's a towel in my transmission. FML

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By Lauren Davies

Paper-thin walls

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

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By d - United States

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Pavarotti next door

Today, I had to hear my neighbor whine again through the walls because he can't talk in a quiet voice. You can hear him from across the street, and that's before he gets drunk. FML

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By loser - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, my mum asked when she's getting grandkids. I had to tell her that, at 21 years-old, I hadn't even managed to get a boyfriend yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's house, and he was taking a shower. I had to take a crap real bad, but his apartment only has the one bathroom. I couldn't wait for him to finish, and ended having to shit in a plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 11:02

Delusional

Today, my sister made serious plans to move to another country to be closer to the married man she's having an affair with. She thinks this will force him to leave his family. I know who will have to listen to her whining when she is sitting all alone in a different country. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6710972 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:57

"So, who'd you vote for?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Birthday."

"Happy Birthday? W—"

"Thanks! You're the first to say that!"

By Welshite | 39

#6710963 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:31

Yourself. You wrote your name in on the ballot and checked it. It's your own little birthday gift to you.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6710963 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:31

Yourself. You wrote your name in on the ballot and checked it. It's your own little birthday gift to you.

By Screwie | 25

#6710964 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:32

Obligatory "who'd you vote for, OP?"

By half_past_hell | 4

#6710966 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:43

Happy birthday! I hope you're enjoying the apocalypse.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6710968 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:49

Happy Birthday to my fellow Scorpio then. Mine is on Veteran's Day.

By RichardPencil | 30

#6710970 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:50

So, who did you vote for?

If you voted for the wrong candidate: Thank you for murdering America. You ruined democracy, you fucking prick!

If you voted for the right candidate: My heartiest best wishes for you to have a wonderful year. All my personal best!

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6710989 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 8:35

There is no wrong or right, it's all a matter of opinion.

Reply

DeadIllusion | 7

#6711279 - Thursday 10 November 2016 15:51

That's the point of the JOKE

By Tripartita | 44

#6710972 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:57

"So, who'd you vote for?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Birthday."

"Happy Birthday? W—"

"Thanks! You're the first to say that!"

By Shekelstein | 6

#6710975 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:20

DUDE SAME HERE xD
even my mom and bros forgot about my birthday lol

By tsr1993 | 16

#6710976 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:25

Happy Birthday ????

By cassandralorene | 12

#6710977 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:25

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday
happy birthday
happy birthday to you

Reply

cupcakebruh | 21

#6710983 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 8:18

Happy happy birthday! I sing this song to you! I wish it were my birthday! So I could party too! Woo! ?

By ForeverJasmine | 26

#6710978 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:28

So. Who'd you vote for?