Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted... - FML

By birthday blues - 8/11/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

Mr Sensitivity

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 03:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By intranator - 8/4/2009 21:43 - Jordan

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

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By monsterdanceman - 23/10/2013 23:16 - United States - Ozark

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

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By kiki - 25/5/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store and a man came to my register to ask for the price of a mop. I took the mop from him to scan it without realizing the pole was between his legs. I hit him in the crotch with the pole. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 17:36 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

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By notafatlump - 2/2/2011 05:07

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2014 05:27 - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

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By nh-Amazon - 27/4/2014 23:01 - United States - Plano

Today, I asked my son to go to the grocery store across the street and pick up some lettuce. He sighed and said, "Why don't you just order it on Amazon?" FML

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By difference between birds and mammals. - 3/9/2012 00:10 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

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By Nice Guy - 29/10/2012 07:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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By - 27/1/2017 02:00

Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 23:28 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By wow - 8/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

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By tattooooooface - 28/1/2010 13:08 - United States

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

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By KWM - 12/2/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML

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By Username - 6/10/2010 21:59 - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 03:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he can't remember the last time he took a shower. He then told me he doesn't see the "need" of taking showers. FML

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By it's v - 17/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2016 03:50 - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

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By Raset24 - 30/6/2016 17:40

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

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By sadlife - 9/7/2009 18:50 - Canada

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

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By Noname - 30/1/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

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By Crazy In-Laws - 20/11/2016 22:54 - United States - Danvers

Today, my wife and I both got released from the hospital. She was admitted for the birth of our daughter. I was admitted with a broken arm from when my mother-in-law shoved me out of the way because she wanted to be the first one to hold the baby after my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2014 21:02 - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

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By Weedle - 4/6/2019 20:00

Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

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By stuck - 19/9/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

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By LemonLearn - 6/10/2016 20:59 - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By quackers - 8/7/2016 07:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 15:42 - Belgium

Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML

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By Hi-Tech - 3/3/2015 15:34 - Europe

Today, I got a laptop for my birthday. I was thrilled until I realized that my mom had given away my old one without asking. 6 years of games, music, and pictures down the drain. FML

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By Kelsie - 12/12/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, my mother thought it would be okay to take my camera and erase all of my pictures that included my graduation, party, and my sisters wedding. Her excuse? "We need more room for Katie's birthday." Katie is our pet cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2015 23:08 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

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By raiden - 17/8/2018 20:30

Today, it's my first day of high school. It's also my first day of a three-day in-school suspension. The reason? I sat next to a girl and she immediately got up and told the teacher that she didn't "feel safe". FML

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By ouch - 15/9/2019 00:01

Scratch that

Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

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By kill me - 7/5/2016 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

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By why?? - 24/5/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

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By Momo8612 - 21/4/2017 12:00

Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 15:49 - Australia

Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 17:10 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be romantic to take me to a strip club for our 1-year anniversary. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6710972 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:57

"So, who'd you vote for?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Birthday."

"Happy Birthday? W—"

"Thanks! You're the first to say that!"

By Welshite | 39

#6710963 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:31

Yourself. You wrote your name in on the ballot and checked it. It's your own little birthday gift to you.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6710963 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:31

Yourself. You wrote your name in on the ballot and checked it. It's your own little birthday gift to you.

By Screwie | 25

#6710964 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:32

Obligatory "who'd you vote for, OP?"

By half_past_hell | 4

#6710966 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:43

Happy birthday! I hope you're enjoying the apocalypse.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6710968 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:49

Happy Birthday to my fellow Scorpio then. Mine is on Veteran's Day.

By RichardPencil | 28

#6710970 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:50

So, who did you vote for?

If you voted for the wrong candidate: Thank you for murdering America. You ruined democracy, you fucking prick!

If you voted for the right candidate: My heartiest best wishes for you to have a wonderful year. All my personal best!

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6710989 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 8:35

There is no wrong or right, it's all a matter of opinion.

Reply

DeadIllusion | 7

#6711279 - Thursday 10 November 2016 15:51

That's the point of the JOKE

By Tripartita | 44

#6710972 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:57

"So, who'd you vote for?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Birthday."

"Happy Birthday? W—"

"Thanks! You're the first to say that!"

By Shekelstein | 6

#6710975 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:20

DUDE SAME HERE xD
even my mom and bros forgot about my birthday lol

By tsr1993 | 16

#6710976 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:25

Happy Birthday ????

By cassandralorene | 12

#6710977 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:25

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday
happy birthday
happy birthday to you

Reply

cupcakebruh | 21

#6710983 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 8:18

Happy happy birthday! I sing this song to you! I wish it were my birthday! So I could party too! Woo! ?

By ForeverJasmine | 26

#6710978 - Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:28

So. Who'd you vote for?