Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted... - FML

By birthday blues - 08/11/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 542

You deserved it 904

Age difference

Damn kids!

I can't eat these

By Anonymous - 11/04/2013 20:21 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out that my classmates hate me so much that they have a seating arrangement where people have to sit next to me on a rotating basis. A fight broke out yesterday because someone tried to skip their turn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 197

You deserved it 17 448

By Anonymous - 29/08/2015 08:50 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 910

You deserved it 1 958

By Waitingtomoveout - 12/01/2017 17:09

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 356

You deserved it 750

By anonymous - 30/06/2017 15:34

Today, it seems that getting an apartment with a couple was a bad idea. They agree on everything, so my opinion never seems to matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 030

You deserved it 885

By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 22:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 285

You deserved it 3 359

By jazz - 22/01/2010 08:11 - France

Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 217

You deserved it 5 736

Everyone's A Critic

By hushed - 30/08/2017 15:14 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I was hushed in a theatre during a play. I would normally appreciate a discreet silencing in the audience, but I was saying my lines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 805

You deserved it 236

By Anonymous - 04/12/2013 20:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 459

You deserved it 2 766

Wow thanks, I'm cured

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 23:00

Today, I learned from my father that all I had to do was eat right and exercise and I would be bipolar free. Gee, why hadn't I thought of that yet? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 02/10/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 744

You deserved it 73 215

By gibsonSG323 - 14/06/2010 23:13 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 663

You deserved it 28 504

By Bostonian - 02/12/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I told my long distance girlfriend I will be coming half way across the country to visit here since I have not seen her in a month, I gave her my flight information so she could pick me up at the airport. She responded with "That's when The Office is on, can you take a cab?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 492

You deserved it 5 740

By Torvaltz - 07/08/2016 08:31 - United States - Clinton

Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 576

You deserved it 3 258

By Anonymous - 09/11/2013 22:30 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 707

You deserved it 3 296

By Bart - 03/07/2015 04:32 - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 271

You deserved it 3 495

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 06:00

Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 894

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 09/01/2017 20:30

Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 000

You deserved it 510

Roommates from hell, part 4874

By Ohgodithurts - 19/10/2020 11:00

Today, I got a second degree sunburn everywhere above my waist, for which I've been using a medicated lotion. My roommate "pranked" me by switching the lotion with a similarly colored, very caustic acne wash. My chest feels like it's roasting in hell and is oozing pus and oil now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 434

You deserved it 133

Apple juice, motherfucker

By Anonymous - 05/11/2012 17:01 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 721

You deserved it 2 866

Cartoon villain

By get tf over it! - 30/06/2020 20:02

Today, I had a Skype interview for a wonderful new job. I was calm, cool and ready to land it. But just like in a bad movie, the interviewer ended up being the creepy guy I turned down repeatedly in high school and in our 20s. He smirked and told me I could continue, but it would be pointless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 685

You deserved it 654

Growing pains

By mirie - 20/05/2021 08:01

Today, it occurred to me that it’s not normal that I still fit into all my clothes from when I was in high school. I’m 24 and I haven’t outgrown any of my clothes since I was 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 121

By cc - 10/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, I lent my sister $1000 because she and her husband were in some debt. They used the money to go gambling in Vegas and won a major jackpot. They won't even give me a cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 825

You deserved it 6 451

By Machine - 19/02/2009 12:18 - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 813

You deserved it 63 384

By Charles - 22/02/2009 15:10 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 387

You deserved it 5 679

Like the beginning of a porno

By Anonymous - 15/07/2020 23:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 048

You deserved it 1 186

By Anonymous - 01/06/2013 07:51 - United States - Portland

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 907

You deserved it 6 146

Blown job

By Noname - 12/03/2009 09:30 - New Zealand

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 858

You deserved it 338 867

By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 23:19 - United States - Lebanon

Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 583

You deserved it 4 251

Happy Halloween!

By 4evalone - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Monterey

Today, I was dressed as a single girl. I wore pajama pants, hoodie with no bra, and carried a plate of pizza around. But it wasn't my costume, I just had nowhere to go for Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 058

You deserved it 5 414

By meme71 - 21/02/2011 10:22

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 390

You deserved it 3 579

By DLS - 18/02/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 236

You deserved it 44 722

By homelesslyf - 30/12/2018 22:00 - Australia - Clayton

Today, I was kicked out of my aunt's house for being 15 minutes late for her to pick me up. She told me she doesn't want me to come home and left me in a panicked mess. My sister and brother are on her side and refuse to talk to me. I'm now couch surfing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 364

You deserved it 383

By Kit2019 - 23/07/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I got overly excited because someone texted me, but then realized that moments before, I had sent myself a message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 383

By jedd90 - 08/07/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I overdrew my account and ended up paying an extra 35 bucks for a 1.99 item. It was an application on the iPhone that is supposed to help me keep track of my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 666

You deserved it 52 698

I don't know how to say this to you, but…

By Anonymous - 02/11/2021 14:00

Today, I came across a friend on Instagram. She's engaged… to my abusive ex… who has been stalking and harassing me lately. She was wearing the ring he gave me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 80

Great start

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 06:00 - United States - New York

Today, I was starting my new job in the city. A man with a torn suit on came up to me and asks me for spare change. In a hurry to catch a taxi, I declined and rushed to catch one. At the office, my boss was late. About an hour later, I found out the man in the suit was my boss. He was attacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 913

You deserved it 568

By hatemyjob - 23/04/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 046

You deserved it 43 622

By NYMTS - 01/07/2011 23:22 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 295

You deserved it 10 891

Mind your own business

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 12:00

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 2 979

By Anonymous - 06/06/2009 16:01 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend of 5 months runs a website where men can submit nude or semi nude pictures of their ex's for revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 782

You deserved it 5 606

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Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:57

"So, who'd you vote for?" "Happy." "Happy who?" "Birthday." "Happy Birthday? W—" "Thanks! You're the first to say that!"

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:31

Yourself. You wrote your name in on the ballot and checked it. It's your own little birthday gift to you.

Comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:31

Yourself. You wrote your name in on the ballot and checked it. It's your own little birthday gift to you.

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:32

Obligatory "who'd you vote for, OP?"

half_past_hell 4

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Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:43

Happy birthday! I hope you're enjoying the apocalypse.

LostInTheZone11 28

Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:49

Happy Birthday to my fellow Scorpio then. Mine is on Veteran's Day.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:50

So, who did you vote for? If you voted for the wrong candidate: Thank you for murdering America. You ruined democracy, you fucking prick! If you voted for the right candidate: My heartiest best wishes for you to have a wonderful year. All my personal best!

gamermonster 34

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 November 2016 8:35

There is no wrong or right, it's all a matter of opinion.

Send a private message

Thursday 10 November 2016 15:51

That's the point of the JOKE

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 November 2016 6:57

"So, who'd you vote for?" "Happy." "Happy who?" "Birthday." "Happy Birthday? W—" "Thanks! You're the first to say that!"

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:20

DUDE SAME HERE xD even my mom and bros forgot about my birthday lol

Send a private message

Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:25

Happy Birthday ????

cassandralorene 12

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Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:25

happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday to you

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Wednesday 9 November 2016 8:18

Happy happy birthday! I sing this song to you! I wish it were my birthday! So I could party too! Woo! ?

ForeverJasmine 26

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Wednesday 9 November 2016 7:28

So. Who'd you vote for?

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 575

You deserved it 168

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 2 733