Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday:... - FML

By trice - 8/5/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Gas giant

Workaholic

By skunk head - 22/7/2020 05:01

Extreme makeover

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Waldwick

Facebook Science

Today, I was going to hang out with my crush and tell him how I felt, but he cancelled because I had COVID 5 months ago and his mom is afraid I’m contagious. I’m safer to hang out with because I now have antibodies and can’t transmit it. I’ve also had 4 negative tests since then. FML

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By fuckthepopo - 21/1/2012 02:31 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. In tears, I called my best friend and told him everything. He responded with one- or two-word answers throughout, but I felt better all the same. That is, until I heard him begin to take a loud piss half-way through my sentence. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 05:14 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

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By James - 1/4/2020 17:00

Gordon says you SUCK

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

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By Scarlet - 9/8/2016 18:01

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

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By Foreveralone - 9/4/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

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By good job bf - 11/1/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By Anon - 13/3/2016 00:13 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. As we waited for our food he took my hand and said, "I think we should break up." When I got outside, my tire was flat. FML

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By HatedGrandson - 7/1/2013 00:50 - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML

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By wdunn69733 - 11/10/2012 14:30 - United States - Macon

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 19:43 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

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By Sandman2015 - 29/1/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 14:00

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By duckwater - 1/3/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

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By feeldumb - 11/6/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President, I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

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By Narehs - 13/1/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

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By Nominome - 7/2/2010 00:31 - France

Today, I was in the check-out line when I noticed the guy behind me kept impatiently sighing. Thinking he was a jerk, I took as long as I could packaging my items. Turns out he left his oxygen tank in the car. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - 22/1/2009 23:26 - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

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By cat_lady - 5/4/2020 17:00

Follow the yellow brown road

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

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By anonymous - 1/6/2009 07:05 - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2017 06:00

Today, in the middle of sex, I was desperate for a fart but tried to hold it in so we weren't forced to stop halfway. Unfortunately, I accidentally let the fart escape, along with runny diarrhea all over my husbands legs and groin. The smell caused him to vomit all over me. FML

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By rhiannakirwan - 17/4/2016 18:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML

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By Whoopsie - 22/2/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

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By thisisnotavirustrustme.exe - 18/4/2015 19:34 - United States - New City

Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

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By izoliv - 22/11/2008 08:17 - France

Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. To which he replied: "What for?" FML

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By unappreciated - 25/6/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

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By OhPleaseNo - 7/4/2020 14:00 - OhPleaseNo

We could be heroes

Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML

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By epic174 - 7/10/2014 22:15 - United States

Today, my sister told me about her upcoming trip to Mexico. I asked her how she was going to do anything without knowing any Spanish. She told me she's "just going to read their lips". FML

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By crazybiotch - 28/5/2009 18:09 - Canada

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

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By FullMonty - 15/9/2012 23:26 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my 2-year-old sister walked in on me while I was showering. She began to splash around in the toilet, and as I hastily jumped out to stop her, my brother and his friend got a good look as they walked past the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 17:39 - Canada - Barrie

Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML

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By fuck off, for real - 3/4/2016 13:26 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

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By ProAwkward - 18/6/2013 04:07 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

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By kinlin - 2/6/2018 19:00

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

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By radicaloser - 25/3/2011 08:50 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I like. All of a sudden, he pulls out a small vial of his blood to give to me, proving his undying love. Curious, I asked where he had gotten the blood. His answer? A razor blade. In his nose. FML

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By Rar - 9/5/2015 17:13 - United States - Palatine

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

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By yeyt209 - 10/6/2012 07:46 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent - 30/6/2017 18:00

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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Top comments

By abbttmc | 12

#5484223 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday now it's 4 people :)

By perdix | 29

#5484236 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Aw, shit, you mean your dentist forgot?

If you show Denny's your driver's license, they'll suddenly remember and give you some free food!

COMMENTS

By abbttmc | 12

#5484223 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday now it's 4 people :)

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484262 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:11

Except Grumpycat

Reply

MindFreakazoid | 10

#5484276 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:23

Soon, it'll be over at least 40 people.

Happy birthday, OP.

Reply

fishstick557 | 14

#5484299 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:38

Look at all these happy birthdays! :) happy birthday OP!!!!

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5484302 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:39

Happy birthday!!!!!! get wasted and celebrate.

Reply

syck_fml | 3

#5484316 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:51

Get a Facebook. Then you will have 1 more to your total

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484326 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:02

If she downgraded though and got a Myspace she'd have Tom as a friend....

Reply

depocadoll | 15

#5484403 - Thursday 9 May 2013 2:30

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I'm sorry you didn't get more in person, that's pretty crummy.

Reply

doctor_glitter | 6

#5484492 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:00

Happy anniversary of the day you were squeezed out of a birthing canal!

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5484692 - Thursday 9 May 2013 8:10

^She could have been cut out :-). Either way, Happy Bithday, Original Poster!

Reply

SuperSofie | 23

#5484729 - Thursday 9 May 2013 9:00

Happy Birthday OP!

Reply

lmngrl889 | 14

#5484760 - Thursday 9 May 2013 9:44

happy birthday!!

By asimplesharpie | 7

#5484224 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday!!!

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484247 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:03

Sad to see her parents didn't say anything :(

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5484291 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:34

I know right. Damn sad! Happy happy birthday OP!!
Go and do something you love!

By KyraJFoxx | 14

#5484225 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday :)

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5484266 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:12

Haha at least someone cares.

By ChrisWaines | 9

#5484226 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

That bites, I'm sorry. If it helps, happy birthday!

By Phoebe_Buffay | 14

#5484229 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:58

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP! :))

By CupOTea666 | 9

#5484230 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:58

Happy Birthday!!! ;)

Reply

IAmJad | 18

#5484510 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:19

Because 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 saying it wasn't enough. Can we get some variety in the comments?

Reply

jackiemora | 18

#5484678 - Thursday 9 May 2013 7:58

no.

Reply

IAmJad | 18

#5488006 - Saturday 11 May 2013 20:03

It's not your decision. Nah nah na boo boo

By rt567 | 15

#5484233 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

aww, happy birthday though!

By BlackPhenom | 9

#5484234 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Look on the bright side: no awkward stares at random spots when people are singing you happy birthday! No? Aw right then.

P.S happy birthday!

Reply

LaughinStock | 16

#5484355 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:35

Ha there's still awkward spots when people do know you. Some friends call me by my nick name or my real name. It'll be "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday dear mmmmmmeehhhmmmmm Happy Birthday..." :D Happy Birthday Op!

By perdix | 29

#5484236 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Aw, shit, you mean your dentist forgot?

If you show Denny's your driver's license, they'll suddenly remember and give you some free food!

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5484533 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:40

Holy shit I'm doing that!

By Pstraka6 | 20

#5484237 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Happy Birthday! What arr you doin on here?! Call the girls up, forget about that, and have a damn good time out on the town sweetheart!

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484288 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:29

I'm pretty sure your "arr" was a typo, but it made me read your comment in a pirate voice.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484289 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:32

"Arr have a good time out in town sweetheart!"

Aww a well mannered pirate :)

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484368 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:50

Polite pirate cares about your happiness!

Reply

smiliecat | 13

#5484537 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:45

61- Polite Pirate should be a meme.

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484639 - Thursday 9 May 2013 6:45

113 - I agree!