Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday:... - FML

By trice - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

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There's no helping some people

This Charming Man

Stay safe out there

By Chris - United States

Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML

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By MyS3lf - United States

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

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By staceyymaee - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

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By Nosmie

Today, the worst part about not having a sense of smell is that I can’t tell if anyone ate pizza without me. Unless I see an empty box in the trash. FML

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By atleastshelldiefirst - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping, when an elderly lady walked up to me and tripped over her own feet. I caught her by the arm, at which point she shrieked at me for "groping" her. She ended up smirking as security threw me out of the store. FML

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By Kim - 17/7/2020 23:01

To the window, to the wall

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

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By Turnipseed3 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

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By honeymooner - South Africa - Braamfontein

Today, I received a coupon for a special offer including flights and accommodation for the honeymoon destination that my fiancé and I are keen on. Yesterday, I paid the full price for the flight tickets and hotel deposit for the honeymoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, "Don't Worry, be Happy." FML

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By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By jena

EMERGENCY

Today, my daughter called 911. Why? Because she couldn't get the images to show up on her phone. She's 12. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML

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By looz - France

Today, I went out for a drink with my girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly until her phone rang, she took the call and cut whoever it was off quite quickly by saying "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of a break-up". I certainly wasn't aware. FML

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By ricky the sage - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was on the bus, heading to work, when the girl beside me started yelling at me, claiming I was staring down her shirt. I did no such thing, but the driver nonetheless stopped the bus and made me get off, all under the withering glares of the other passengers. FML

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By mylifesucks123 - United States

Today, I was driving to the grocery store with my 7 year-old son. When I was approaching a stop sign, I look next to me and see a guy with a triangle shaped head. I tell my son "Look at the guy with the triangle head." My window was open. So was his. FML

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By superficialheart - China

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

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By Meghan Elise

Today, I found that there were charges of almost 2,000 dollars on my bank account. Some asshole in Florida stole my money. I have bills and that was money I saved to buy myself a new car. FML

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By ohno - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

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By "lk07" - United States - Midlothian

Today, after selling things on eBay all week to afford a nice weekend with my husband and kids, my car died. Now we have to spend the money on a battery. FML

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By Burp - United States

Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML

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By cmore - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

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By Username - France

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw a spider hanging from the ceiling of my car. I'm terrified of spiders, so I was watching it instead the road. When I looked back at the road, I had just enough time to swerve to miss the fire hydrant but not the tree. Even the cop laughed at me. FML

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By Z3R0G5 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6 ft snake got loose. I found it. It was in my neighbor's backyard, constricting their pet rabbit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

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By Heyy - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML

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By brigitte - France - Noyon

Today, I met my biological father for the first time. He seemed to be slightly intoxicated from the outset, and less than half an hour later, he had tried to intimidate me into "loaning" him several hundred euros for reasons he wouldn't tell me. So long, "dad". FML

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By NeedHeadPhone - Canada

I love that for you

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

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By sad - 1/10/2020 16:06 - United Kingdom

Never trust Facebook

Today, I left a gift on my colleague's desk, with a note saying I liked him. He brought it over and handed it back, and told me he's married. His Facebook says he is single. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML

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By M - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

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By cachow - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By blarg - United States

Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom. So, I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then decides to yell at me over facebook. Shortly after, I log out of Facebook. She then starts yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML

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By AgentRarity

Today, I was reading butthurt comments about how girl gamers can easily get dates and find love by simply existing. I'm a "girl gamer" who hasn't even found a date, let alone love. I've been looking since I was sixteen. I'm now 27. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML

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Top comments

By abbttmc | 12

#5484223 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday now it's 4 people :)

By perdix | 29

#5484236 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Aw, shit, you mean your dentist forgot?

If you show Denny's your driver's license, they'll suddenly remember and give you some free food!

COMMENTS

By abbttmc | 12

#5484223 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday now it's 4 people :)

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484262 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:11

Except Grumpycat

Reply

MindFreakazoid | 10

#5484276 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:23

Soon, it'll be over at least 40 people.

Happy birthday, OP.

Reply

fishstick557 | 14

#5484299 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:38

Look at all these happy birthdays! :) happy birthday OP!!!!

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5484302 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:39

Happy birthday!!!!!! get wasted and celebrate.

Reply

syck_fml | 3

#5484316 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:51

Get a Facebook. Then you will have 1 more to your total

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484326 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:02

If she downgraded though and got a Myspace she'd have Tom as a friend....

Reply

depocadoll | 15

#5484403 - Thursday 9 May 2013 2:30

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I'm sorry you didn't get more in person, that's pretty crummy.

Reply

doctor_glitter | 6

#5484492 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:00

Happy anniversary of the day you were squeezed out of a birthing canal!

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5484692 - Thursday 9 May 2013 8:10

^She could have been cut out :-). Either way, Happy Bithday, Original Poster!

Reply

SuperSofie | 23

#5484729 - Thursday 9 May 2013 9:00

Happy Birthday OP!

Reply

lmngrl889 | 14

#5484760 - Thursday 9 May 2013 9:44

happy birthday!!

By asimplesharpie | 7

#5484224 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday!!!

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484247 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:03

Sad to see her parents didn't say anything :(

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5484291 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:34

I know right. Damn sad! Happy happy birthday OP!!
Go and do something you love!

By KyraJFoxx | 14

#5484225 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday :)

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5484266 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:12

Haha at least someone cares.

By ChrisWaines | 9

#5484226 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

That bites, I'm sorry. If it helps, happy birthday!

By Phoebe_Buffay | 14

#5484229 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:58

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP! :))

By CupOTea666 | 9

#5484230 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:58

Happy Birthday!!! ;)

Reply

IAmJad | 18

#5484510 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:19

Because 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 saying it wasn't enough. Can we get some variety in the comments?

Reply

jackiemora | 18

#5484678 - Thursday 9 May 2013 7:58

no.

Reply

IAmJad | 18

#5488006 - Saturday 11 May 2013 20:03

It's not your decision. Nah nah na boo boo

By rt567 | 15

#5484233 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

aww, happy birthday though!

By BlackPhenom | 9

#5484234 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Look on the bright side: no awkward stares at random spots when people are singing you happy birthday! No? Aw right then.

P.S happy birthday!

Reply

LaughinStock | 16

#5484355 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:35

Ha there's still awkward spots when people do know you. Some friends call me by my nick name or my real name. It'll be "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday dear mmmmmmeehhhmmmmm Happy Birthday..." :D Happy Birthday Op!

By perdix | 29

#5484236 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Aw, shit, you mean your dentist forgot?

If you show Denny's your driver's license, they'll suddenly remember and give you some free food!

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5484533 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:40

Holy shit I'm doing that!

By Pstraka6 | 20

#5484237 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Happy Birthday! What arr you doin on here?! Call the girls up, forget about that, and have a damn good time out on the town sweetheart!

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484288 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:29

I'm pretty sure your "arr" was a typo, but it made me read your comment in a pirate voice.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484289 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:32

"Arr have a good time out in town sweetheart!"

Aww a well mannered pirate :)

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484368 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:50

Polite pirate cares about your happiness!

Reply

smiliecat | 13

#5484537 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:45

61- Polite Pirate should be a meme.

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484639 - Thursday 9 May 2013 6:45

113 - I agree!