Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday:... - FML

By trice - 08/05/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 292

You deserved it 4 291

You tried

Batman

Compassion

Sleepless in Saskatoon

By inolongeriismmm - 04/11/2021 12:59 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I was let go from a position that I spent 11 years pouring my heart into. I was fired for ranting in an group chat, after getting 37 minutes of sleep in two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 414

Ever Given

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 20:00 - United States - Elverson

Today, I had to poop, but as I sat down, it wouldn't come out. After about 10 minutes I realized I needed help. The only help I could get was my mother, who couldn't stop laughing at the sweat and faces I made. I still hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 255

By Person - 11/11/2016 02:04

Today, my cousin invited me to an event that would be on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me, was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 399

You deserved it 2 206

By Anonymous - 17/03/2011 22:39 - Dominican Republic

Today, my expensive, multi-feature, water proof watch was destroyed... by water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 678

You deserved it 7 172

By melons - 03/07/2013 09:09 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, the massive bogey that had been dangling precariously from my manager's nose for half an hour finally detached itself. Into my coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 016

You deserved it 5 290

By ruinedmoment - 24/02/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I was looking at an old post between my ex and I on Facebook. Everything I was reading was adorable. Just as I was reminiscing about the great relationship we had, I look to the right of the screen to see the girl he cheated on me with in "People you may know". Thanks Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 449

You deserved it 8 180

By Anonymous - 12/06/2016 12:37 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 511

You deserved it 2 156

By BoringFucker - 06/02/2012 21:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 307

You deserved it 4 718

This ain't working out

By just a reaction - 17/08/2020 23:09

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a heated argument. He raised his hand like he was going to hit me. Having been hit by my ex before, I panicked and instinctively kicked his legs out from under him. He then dumped me because he said he was just gonna scare me, but I used real violence on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 841

You deserved it 297

One rule for me…

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 20:01 - Germany

Today, I haven’t had a haircut in 15 months. Our politicians announced that the lockdown, prohibiting haircuts, commerce and social life, will go on even longer than previously decided. Our impeccably coiffed politicians, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 181

Sex Ed is broken

By asnolt - 24/05/2011 22:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 582

You deserved it 9 327

By Fuckit - 28/05/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 416

You deserved it 6 240

By Anonymous - 30/09/2010 08:04 - Estonia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 632

You deserved it 3 193

By Barrel - 05/02/2009 07:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 594

You deserved it 9 016

By kittens go meow - 15/02/2012 00:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 766

You deserved it 3 548

By kl - 26/10/2009 06:15 - Canada

Spicy

Today, after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 044

You deserved it 4 757

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 09:35 - Australia

Today, my husband decided it was time to tell me he had a 3 year old son. We have been married for 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 306

You deserved it 3 106

By Zamaria - 02/10/2009 22:23 - France

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 666

You deserved it 3 343

Empathy bypass

By Jason - 17/04/2020 02:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 386

You deserved it 615

By you fuckhobbit - 23/12/2012 22:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on my favourite forum when I saw a guy ranting at some pro-lifer fanatic. For fun, I replied "umad bro?" apparently moments after the forum founder also left an angry reply. I'm now banned for a month for "trolling the founder" and all my posts have vanished without a trace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 026

You deserved it 36 442

By preggers with probs - 03/09/2018 14:30

Today, I am 10 weeks pregnant and my husband says he needs time for himself. This apparently means he will be romancing and sleeping with other women so he can "relax". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 482

You deserved it 242

By ruserious - 07/08/2015 11:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I discovered my new step-dad has a rule about the shower. After three minutes, he turns the water off at the source. I had to beg him to turn it back on whilst covered in shampoo suds, and the only way I could get him to give me another minute was to forfeit my phone for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 453

You deserved it 2 257

By ismerf19 - 22/12/2010 00:05

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 393

You deserved it 7 345

By dasbooot - 30/04/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 629

You deserved it 4 563

By Stevski - 11/09/2012 15:08 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 179

You deserved it 3 994

By Anonymous - 03/10/2011 21:41 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my 20 year old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 694

You deserved it 5 734

By noworkformeplease - 09/03/2017 16:00

Today, I had to call out of work because I was ill, but they didn't believe me because today was the day I was supposed to come back from vacation. Now I'm stuck at work, constantly running to the bathroom, and they still won't let me go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 204

You deserved it 366

By Ugh - 15/11/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was really depressed so I talked on the phone with my best friend. She was telling me how a guy she really liked complimented her. I told her it was be nice to get at least one compliment. After a long silence she says, "You're really good with computers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 349

You deserved it 5 877

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 17:24 - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 307

You deserved it 6 185

By dizzy - 07/03/2011 07:28 - Malaysia

Spicy

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 377

You deserved it 6 055

By Anonymous - 23/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Cypress

Today, my mother-in-law threw bricks at my car. Her defense? I shouldn't have parked in her brick throwing spot, in my own driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 699

You deserved it 447

By aaalias34 - 26/02/2010 11:13 - United States

Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then licked my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 934

You deserved it 8 431

By Noname - 02/03/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 594

You deserved it 44 425

By That_Indian_Guy - 15/11/2014 13:25 - United States - Oviedo

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 865

You deserved it 9 417

By MID12 - 23/03/2009 17:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiancé that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117 412

You deserved it 8 689

By Wealthyparrot - 10/05/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 546

You deserved it 3 506

Landlords gonna landlord

By goingtobeevicted - 25/04/2013 06:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new landlord and lettings agent made an illegal entry into my house. Unfortunately, at the time my boyfriend was buck naked, smoking a joint on the sofa, surrounded by the cats we aren't supposed to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 861

You deserved it 48 122

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I noticed a spot of water on the floor. I thought my cats had spilled a cup of water and didn't worry about it. I went to a meeting and when I came back, my entire apartment was flooded with 3 inches of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 723

You deserved it 7 088

By cameltoeyourface - 26/07/2010 00:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was wearing my yoga pants for my boyfriend. He's infatuated with them. He claims they make my ass look nice. I found out it's because I constantly get a camel toe, and it gives him a semi every time he sees it. I found this out by listening to him and his father at dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 796

You deserved it 10 349

By Anonymous - 06/11/2015 05:29 - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 818

You deserved it 1 831

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday now it's 4 people :)

perdix 29

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Aw, shit, you mean your dentist forgot? If you show Denny's your driver's license, they'll suddenly remember and give you some free food!

Comments

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday now it's 4 people :)

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:11

Except Grumpycat

MindFreakazoid 10

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:23

Soon, it'll be over at least 40 people. Happy birthday, OP.

fishstick557 14

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:38

Look at all these happy birthdays! :) happy birthday OP!!!!

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:39

Happy birthday!!!!!! get wasted and celebrate.

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:51

Get a Facebook. Then you will have 1 more to your total

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Thursday 9 May 2013 1:02

If she downgraded though and got a Myspace she'd have Tom as a friend....

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Thursday 9 May 2013 2:30

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm sorry you didn't get more in person, that's pretty crummy.

doctor_glitter 6

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Thursday 9 May 2013 4:00

Happy anniversary of the day you were squeezed out of a birthing canal!

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Thursday 9 May 2013 8:10

^She could have been cut out :-). Either way, Happy Bithday, Original Poster!

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Thursday 9 May 2013 9:00

Happy Birthday OP!

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Thursday 9 May 2013 9:44

happy birthday!!

asimplesharpie 7

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday!!!

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:03

Sad to see her parents didn't say anything :(

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:34

I know right. Damn sad! Happy happy birthday OP!! Go and do something you love!

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday :)

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:12

Haha at least someone cares.

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

That bites, I'm sorry. If it helps, happy birthday!

Phoebe_Buffay 14

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:58

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP! :))

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:58

Happy Birthday!!! ;)

IAmJad 18

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Thursday 9 May 2013 4:19

Because 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 saying it wasn't enough. Can we get some variety in the comments?

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Thursday 9 May 2013 7:58

no.

IAmJad 18

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Saturday 11 May 2013 20:03

It's not your decision. Nah nah na boo boo

rt567 15

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

aww, happy birthday though!

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Look on the bright side: no awkward stares at random spots when people are singing you happy birthday! No? Aw right then. P.S happy birthday!

LaughinStock 16

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Thursday 9 May 2013 1:35

Ha there's still awkward spots when people do know you. Some friends call me by my nick name or my real name. It'll be "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday dear mmmmmmeehhhmmmmm Happy Birthday..." :D Happy Birthday Op!

perdix 29

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Aw, shit, you mean your dentist forgot? If you show Denny's your driver's license, they'll suddenly remember and give you some free food!

MichellinMan 20

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Thursday 9 May 2013 4:40

Holy shit I'm doing that!

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Happy Birthday! What arr you doin on here?! Call the girls up, forget about that, and have a damn good time out on the town sweetheart!

CharresBarkrey 15

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:29

I'm pretty sure your "arr" was a typo, but it made me read your comment in a pirate voice.

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Thursday 9 May 2013 0:32

"Arr have a good time out in town sweetheart!" Aww a well mannered pirate :)

CharresBarkrey 15

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Thursday 9 May 2013 1:50

Polite pirate cares about your happiness!

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Thursday 9 May 2013 4:45

61- Polite Pirate should be a meme.

CharresBarkrey 15

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Thursday 9 May 2013 6:45

113 - I agree!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 16

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 534

You deserved it 151

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 239