Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday:... - FML

By trice - 8/5/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

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Understandable

Crowded House

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By barri - 16/12/2009 07:28 - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 16:42 - United States - Flushing

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

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By Abcporn - 25/9/2013 23:22 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

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By rabid_otaku - 20/9/2014 23:39 - United States - Sycamore

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

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By dancerr2210 - 9/6/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

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By BetterThanFake - 13/1/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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By sadinthesack - 31/8/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By dammit - 9/6/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, my father's company shut down his branch, leaving him without a job. This is followed by a letter from my school's financial aid office, saying I'm not getting a penny because my family's income level is too high. FML

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By Wells Fargo Worker - 18/5/2018 19:00

Well shit.

Today, at work, we were told by Wells Fargo that we'll be training our foreign replacements from India. After we train them, we're gone. FML

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By xUnluckyx - 18/3/2010 05:45 - Canada

Today, I was working, ripping siding off a house. I pulled off a sheet that was over my head. I got rained with what I thought was woodchips that was behind the siding. Turns out they were dead grasshoppers. Guess what I found in my bra after work. FML

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By kaylashay2k13 - 17/5/2016 14:18 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 00:29 - United States - Bellingham

Today, while my mother's blind friend was waiting in our kitchen for my mom to come home, I thought it would be funny to talk to her in the nude. Turns out she's only blind in one eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 02:12 - Canada

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

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By the attention seeker - 17/4/2013 21:57 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

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By MaydayManic - 10/8/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML

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By drewcaver - 12/4/2015 19:49 - United States - Houston

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

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By becca - 21/8/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

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By queenbee12345678 - 19/2/2012 19:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

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By almost - 22/8/2017 16:00

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

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By Screwed - 7/8/2009 23:35 - Canada

Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By LadyGore - 19/2/2012 15:30 - Canada

Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML

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By marriedtoaretard - 19/2/2012 22:45 - United States

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - 23/1/2016 07:49 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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By EliseV - 3/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

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By 1nfected - 26/8/2009 17:07 - Canada

Today, when I arrived at work, I was greeted by my gorgeous co-worker telling me my red shirt looked awesome on me. Before I could compliment her, she added the color was fitting perfectly with my acne... I heard a couple of giggles around me. FML

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By skyhawk13 - 30/10/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

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By me - 4/8/2012 19:14 - Canada - Debert

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to ride a bike with no training wheels. After comforting her and assuring her that she'd be fine, I gave her a big push. She fell forward over the handlebars and scraped her chin on the front wheel. FML

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By so romantic - 12/11/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day. But I want to date some other girls first." FML

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By CrazzY88s - 6/6/2010 16:00 - Ireland

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

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By uggghhhh - 21/12/2016 22:28

Today, it's 3 days before Christmas and my first day of holidays. Today is also the first day I have been sick all year. Hello tonsillitis, goodbye fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 02:56 - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

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By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

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By inboxbuddies - 16/6/2009 10:35 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter asked me if we can make sticker art. Of course I said it was ok so she went to get some stickers. I wondered where she was going when she walked into the bathroom, but I didn't ask. I left the room and when I came back, her paper was blank and my pads were stuck to the wall. FML

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By Cats...FML - 17/10/2011 11:46 - Australia

Today, it's my sister's birthday. My parents got her a cat. I have serious allergies when it comes to cats. When I brought this issue up with my parents, they replied, "This day is not about you, it's about your sister." I can feel my throat tightening already. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, seeing Ozzy Osbourne live for the first time, I was trying to get the perfect photo of the entire band on stage. That is, until a sudden burst of pyrotechnics startled me, and I gave myself a black eye from the camera hitting me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 06:04 - United States

Today, I think my friends were trying to tell me something with all my Christmas gifts being mostly perfume, deodorant, and soap. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 03:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 14:00

Out and about

Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

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By r1has - 12/6/2016 02:58 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML

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By random person - 9/7/2013 17:51 - United States

Today, I finally got my laptop back after my friend broke it a few weeks ago. As I walked back into our place with my laptop in my bag, the same friend burst out and tackled me. My bag fell and slammed into the floor. Guess who has to pay for another repair. FML

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Top comments

By abbttmc | 12

#5484223 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday now it's 4 people :)

By perdix | 29

#5484236 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Aw, shit, you mean your dentist forgot?

If you show Denny's your driver's license, they'll suddenly remember and give you some free food!

Comments

By abbttmc | 12

#5484223 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday now it's 4 people :)

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484262 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:11

Except Grumpycat

Reply

MindFreakazoid | 10

#5484276 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:23

Soon, it'll be over at least 40 people.

Happy birthday, OP.

Reply

fishstick557 | 14

#5484299 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:38

Look at all these happy birthdays! :) happy birthday OP!!!!

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5484302 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:39

Happy birthday!!!!!! get wasted and celebrate.

Reply

syck_fml | 3

#5484316 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:51

Get a Facebook. Then you will have 1 more to your total

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484326 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:02

If she downgraded though and got a Myspace she'd have Tom as a friend....

Reply

depocadoll | 15

#5484403 - Thursday 9 May 2013 2:30

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I'm sorry you didn't get more in person, that's pretty crummy.

Reply

doctor_glitter | 6

#5484492 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:00

Happy anniversary of the day you were squeezed out of a birthing canal!

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5484692 - Thursday 9 May 2013 8:10

^She could have been cut out :-). Either way, Happy Bithday, Original Poster!

Reply

SuperSofie | 23

#5484729 - Thursday 9 May 2013 9:00

Happy Birthday OP!

Reply

lmngrl889 | 14

#5484760 - Thursday 9 May 2013 9:44

happy birthday!!

By asimplesharpie | 7

#5484224 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday!!!

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484247 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:03

Sad to see her parents didn't say anything :(

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5484291 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:34

I know right. Damn sad! Happy happy birthday OP!!
Go and do something you love!

By KyraJFoxx | 14

#5484225 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

Happy birthday :)

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5484266 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:12

Haha at least someone cares.

By ChrisWaines | 9

#5484226 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:57

That bites, I'm sorry. If it helps, happy birthday!

By Phoebe_Buffay | 14

#5484229 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:58

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP! :))

By CupOTea666 | 9

#5484230 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:58

Happy Birthday!!! ;)

Reply

IAmJad | 18

#5484510 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:19

Because 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 saying it wasn't enough. Can we get some variety in the comments?

Reply

jackiemora | 18

#5484678 - Thursday 9 May 2013 7:58

no.

Reply

IAmJad | 18

#5488006 - Saturday 11 May 2013 20:03

It's not your decision. Nah nah na boo boo

By rt567 | 15

#5484233 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

aww, happy birthday though!

By BlackPhenom | 9

#5484234 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Look on the bright side: no awkward stares at random spots when people are singing you happy birthday! No? Aw right then.

P.S happy birthday!

Reply

LaughinStock | 16

#5484355 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:35

Ha there's still awkward spots when people do know you. Some friends call me by my nick name or my real name. It'll be "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday dear mmmmmmeehhhmmmmm Happy Birthday..." :D Happy Birthday Op!

By perdix | 29

#5484236 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Aw, shit, you mean your dentist forgot?

If you show Denny's your driver's license, they'll suddenly remember and give you some free food!

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5484533 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:40

Holy shit I'm doing that!

By Pstraka6 | 20

#5484237 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 23:59

Happy Birthday! What arr you doin on here?! Call the girls up, forget about that, and have a damn good time out on the town sweetheart!

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484288 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:29

I'm pretty sure your "arr" was a typo, but it made me read your comment in a pirate voice.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5484289 - Thursday 9 May 2013 0:32

"Arr have a good time out in town sweetheart!"

Aww a well mannered pirate :)

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484368 - Thursday 9 May 2013 1:50

Polite pirate cares about your happiness!

Reply

smiliecat | 13

#5484537 - Thursday 9 May 2013 4:45

61- Polite Pirate should be a meme.

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5484639 - Thursday 9 May 2013 6:45

113 - I agree!