Love: Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an...

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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Love

Late term

Small town blues

One law for me…

By Karate Kid - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

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By nohair - United States

Today, I shaved my head because I heard that one of my good friends got cancer. I went to visit her in the hospital. She's not bald. FML

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21536

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day on duty as a rookie cop. Everything was going great, and even the veterans on the force were warming up to me. That is until my mother came into the station carrying a brown bag for my lunch. Written on the bag was, "Lunch for my big boy. I love you, pumpkin." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

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By broke - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

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66450

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By Randiluck - Canada

Today, I met up with a few old friends for some wine and munchies. The main topics of conversation were colonoscopies, lactose intolerance and specific symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. I'm sleeping over at one of their houses. Only 20 more hours to go. FML

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By ronnieG - United States - Decatur

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, as I kissed my husband after our wedding vows, my mother-in-law muttered "Slut." loudly from the front row. Everyone heard her, but kept smiling and pretended to be oblivious. FML

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32830

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By Queerbait - Australia

I'm not, but…

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

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By elsatheannoyed - United States - Santa Clara

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

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By pissed out pants - United Kingdom

Today, just to win a bet against my mum that he could make me scream like a bitch, my dad faked his own suicide. He went the whole mile: fake blood everywhere, fake gun, yelling "Goodbye!" and playing a loud gunshot sound effect from his PC, everything. My dad won; my underwear lost. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML

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29015

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By Tall Oaf

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

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4151

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML

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43820

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By woahheylex - United States

Today, after ordering pizza, I heard some strange noises coming from my basement so I called the cops. The pizza came fifteen minutes before the cops. FML

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36582

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, at my job in a chemists, I had a customer ask me which acne cream I would recommend. I picked up the brand I use and told her that I've been using it for a year now. After pausing to stare at my face for a second, she thanked me and picked up the competing brand instead. FML

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44933

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By TheAngryBird - Canada - Grimsby

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

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29310

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By ItWasOurAnniversary - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

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12314

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By Kerrilyn - United States

Today, I was waiting in the car while my mom went into a store to get beer. A few minutes later, some guy was knocking on my window telling me to open the door. I started cursing him out, thinking I was getting attacked. Turns out he worked there and was putting the beer in the car. FML

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14961

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By Anonymous - United States

Denied!

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

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84718

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By Whoopsie - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up loudly screaming from a "night" terror. I say "night"; I was actually at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, surrounded by dozens of co-workers in their cubicles. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 11:01

Cognitive dissonance

Today, in the same conversation with the same person, I got chewed out because our kids want to spend more time with me than her, and also because the kids spend too much time with her and she can’t work from home effectively. Can anyone explain how that works? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on an interview for a job that I had been wanting for months. I thought everything was going great. On my way out, my interviewer asked me to recycle something for him. I agreed. It was my resume. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

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40827

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By LETMEOUT!

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

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3687

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

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By Naulwenn - France - Groslay

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

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12764

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By chessgeeksam - United States

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

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By Rae - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

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54183

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was the only girl in my lab class. The instructor was learning our names. When he came to me, I went to say "mine will be easy" and it came out as "I'm easy." FML

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15876

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By Ma_Nikka - United States - Olivehurst

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

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By The_failure

Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

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1652

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By Jason the flasher

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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1319

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

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2195

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 02:01

Today, on "Dr. Phil"…

Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML

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1556

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By samantha711 - United States

Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

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31345

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By hail science

Scammer

Today, I found out that my mother, who's been against me seeking treatment for my cancer, has been going to different churches and charities to get donations for her "poor ailing daughter." I've not seen a dime of this money, and my mom just tells me to pray my cancer away. FML

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2486

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By sociallyawkward - United States - Atlanta

Today, I fistbumped a cashier as they tried to hand me my change. FML

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12612

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a soccer game. A player from the other team hit me in the face. In the next half, she was the goalie and I was determined to score on her. When I finally got my chance to, everyone cheered, until I kicked the ball into the goal post and it bounced back and hit me in the face. FML

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43781

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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Top comments

By Flutist | 3

#653939 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:47

Does he KNOW he is your boyfriend? Also, "this guy I have been dating" doesn't sound like you have talked to him about sealing the deal. So either tell him, I want to take this to the next step (the bedroom?) and have you be mine (for 400 bucks an hour) or realize he might not know you think it is serious. HE might think you are friends with benefits.

By jchansfan | 0

#654037 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 15:32

I wish you'd go away... =)

COMMENTS

By fireandice27 | 0

#653869 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:33

Wow how thoughtful of him.... :S

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1299690 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 15:28

the first line is already a FML

By Mx_Rider | 6

#653873 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:37

i wish i was first....

fireandice27 | 0

#653905 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:11

jchansfan | 0

#654037 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 15:32

I wish you'd go away... =)

winterharte | 0

#821326 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 10:28

I wish trolls who try to insult other trolls would stop being idiots. T_T

By rhymethyme | 0

#653882 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:41

It could be worse, as such.
At least he stays in touch?
And isn't great
To know your date
Trusts you quite so much?

XD

aero_fml | 0

#653960 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:06

Nice you should do these all the time

rhymethyme | 0

#653981 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:34

Thanks. I plan to try to do enough to make y'all crazy

chellinha93 | 0

#654063 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 15:59

When I started reading this comment, I thought it would rhyme too... lol

And OP, he's an idiot.

By LilKonvicted | 0

#653883 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:41

Well what does that mean really?

XD

Peroxide | 3

#653897 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:56

It means she needs to start putting out like a hotel with a revolving door.

By mahade | 0

#653912 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:16

He's trying to make you jealous or something? What a loser.

By arissia | 0

#653925 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:37

I signed up for a few dating sites while with my current boyfriend. He is well aware of it, and we both think of it as a source of amusement. I like to see if I can find people I know on there, and I wouldn't use it to find a replacement.

By Flutist | 3

#653939 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:47

By perdix | 29

#653991 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:49

What's the problem? I think it is sweet. He loves you so much that he wants to date you in the real world and wants extend that by dating you online.

RubixMonkey | 0

#654911 - Thursday 5 November 2009 0:08

Are you stupid? If he wanted to date her online then he would have texted her and said, "Hey lets get wild on AIM." He is telling her he wants to see other people. Retard.

perdix | 29

#655367 - Thursday 5 November 2009 3:43

I did that on purpose.

I was pretending that I thought that online dating was an extension of real dating.

You've been PWND. ;)

Flutist | 3

#655527 - Thursday 5 November 2009 5:02

lmao

By Punkartmama | 0

#653993 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:52

Just because you're sleeping with someone doesn't mean you're "dating"

boone_fml | 0

#654101 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 16:18

just because you're dating doesn't mean you're "exclusive"

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#654013 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 15:14

Woman only love idiots. YDI