Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an...

By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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Love

Family values

Instadrama

Headache

By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - 18/12/2012 21:44 - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

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By motheroftwo - 6/1/2010 08:41 - Norway

Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn't stop crying for two hours. FML

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By tickyette - 14/9/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2017 18:00

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2014 23:11 - United States - Falls Church

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

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By Phoebe - 18/7/2009 08:15 - Singapore

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to 'sound the horn' and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2018 20:47

Mommy Issues

Today, my mother-in-law yanked my corset so tight that I shit myself. While wearing my dress. On my wedding day. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

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By NotSarahConnor - 11/3/2018 20:30 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 04:38 - Canada

Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 06:01 - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2013 20:01 - United States - Danbury

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

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By Cheesey_Dorito - 10/9/2018 14:30

Today, I couldn't find the keys to open the store I work at. The resulting stress gave me chest pains that ended up sending me to the hospital. I still missed work and my father found the keys under the passenger seat in his car. The same seat I sat in on the way to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 20:23 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 07:45 - Australia - College Park

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

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By maalmawr - 2/4/2016 05:20 - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

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By Jessie - 25/11/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, during my boyfriend's family reunion, I started my period but didn't have any tampons. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom if she had any. I sat on the toilet waiting, then heard him loudly ask his whole family "Does anybody have a tampon my girlfriend can have?" FML

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By tillyg15 - 2/5/2012 11:18 - United Kingdom - Droitwich

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

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By EpicFail - 17/1/2009 15:49 - United States

Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML

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By moronforadad - 5/1/2013 02:04 - United Kingdom - Carshalton

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

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By notworthit - 23/2/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, a guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years broke things off over a Facebook message. I replied, and told him that I was at least worth a phone call. He replied "Well, I'm sorry, I disagree." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 08:55 - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By - 7/1/2020 18:00

Negative response

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

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By romoangel - 21/4/2020 05:00

Full of it

Today, I felt a very sharp pain, like my appendix was going to burst. After going to the doctor, I was rushed to the hospital to get tests done. The doctors later told me there's nothing wrong, I was just constipated. I went to the hospital for them to basically tell me I'm full of shit. FML

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By badbride - 26/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2016 20:22 - United States - Newark

Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML

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By cryface - 7/2/2014 04:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend he was like an animal in bed. He responded saying I was like a dead animal in bed. FML

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By aelia_oups - 31/12/2013 22:09 - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 16:02 - United States - Elko

Today, my boss yet again said she was "literally dying", after she watched a funny video online. Long story short, I'm now on her shitlist because I couldn't help but point out that she clearly wasn't dying, and that her ranting was distracting me from doing actual work. FML

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By sad guy - 26/4/2013 05:20 - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

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By emegemerald - 4/7/2011 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to visit my great grandma. I saw that her dog had this red fluid on his ear, so I asked my grandma about it. She said she put red finger nail-polish in his ear so she could tell the difference between 'all' of her dogs. She only has one dog. FML

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By Marcowalker95 - 7/8/2012 04:16 - United States - Panorama City

Today, I was at a gas station when the cash register made a sound effect similar to one from Sonic the Hedgehog, and I pointed this out. The cashier then saw fit to go on a rant about how I need to stop focusing on video games, and get a life and a girlfriend. FML

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By lisha182 - 20/2/2011 11:49 - Australia

Today, I got demoted from my manager's position, only to be replaced by a 21 year old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML

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By bellerz14 - 23/12/2011 02:58 - United States

Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML

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By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 12:44 - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

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By anbrown6 - 12/4/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 03:10 - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

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By sucks_brah - 25/12/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

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By Ineedit - 26/2/2010 17:46 - United States

Not now!

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

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By Cameron - 29/10/2017 06:00

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

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Top comments

By Flutist | 3

#653939 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:47

Does he KNOW he is your boyfriend? Also, "this guy I have been dating" doesn't sound like you have talked to him about sealing the deal. So either tell him, I want to take this to the next step (the bedroom?) and have you be mine (for 400 bucks an hour) or realize he might not know you think it is serious. HE might think you are friends with benefits.

By jchansfan | 0

#654037 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 15:32

I wish you'd go away... =)

Comments

By fireandice27 | 0

#653869 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:33

Wow how thoughtful of him.... :S

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1299690 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 15:28

the first line is already a FML

By Mx_Rider | 6

#653873 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:37

i wish i was first....

fireandice27 | 0

#653905 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:11

jchansfan | 0

#654037 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 15:32

I wish you'd go away... =)

winterharte | 0

#821326 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 10:28

I wish trolls who try to insult other trolls would stop being idiots. T_T

By rhymethyme | 0

#653882 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:41

It could be worse, as such.
At least he stays in touch?
And isn't great
To know your date
Trusts you quite so much?

XD

aero_fml | 0

#653960 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:06

Nice you should do these all the time

rhymethyme | 0

#653981 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:34

Thanks. I plan to try to do enough to make y'all crazy

chellinha93 | 0

#654063 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 15:59

When I started reading this comment, I thought it would rhyme too... lol

And OP, he's an idiot.

By LilKonvicted | 0

#653883 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:41

Well what does that mean really?

XD

Peroxide | 3

#653897 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 12:56

It means she needs to start putting out like a hotel with a revolving door.

By mahade | 0

#653912 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:16

He's trying to make you jealous or something? What a loser.

By arissia | 0

#653925 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:37

I signed up for a few dating sites while with my current boyfriend. He is well aware of it, and we both think of it as a source of amusement. I like to see if I can find people I know on there, and I wouldn't use it to find a replacement.

By Flutist | 3

#653939 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 13:47

By perdix | 29

#653991 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:49

What's the problem? I think it is sweet. He loves you so much that he wants to date you in the real world and wants extend that by dating you online.

RubixMonkey | 0

#654911 - Thursday 5 November 2009 0:08

Are you stupid? If he wanted to date her online then he would have texted her and said, "Hey lets get wild on AIM." He is telling her he wants to see other people. Retard.

perdix | 29

#655367 - Thursday 5 November 2009 3:43

I did that on purpose.

I was pretending that I thought that online dating was an extension of real dating.

You've been PWND. ;)

Flutist | 3

#655527 - Thursday 5 November 2009 5:02

lmao

By Punkartmama | 0

#653993 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 14:52

Just because you're sleeping with someone doesn't mean you're "dating"

boone_fml | 0

#654101 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 16:18

just because you're dating doesn't mean you're "exclusive"

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#654013 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 15:14

Woman only love idiots. YDI