Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2016 14:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

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Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Not a cheating!

Spooky

By Anonymous - 20/8/2018 08:30 - United States - Brick

How Thoughtful

Today, I found out that my new serving job does in fact take the time out to write a check for $0.00. FML

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By DamnHippieSoap - 29/8/2018 17:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML

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By 987564 - 22/2/2009 07:24 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I gave him my cellphone number. He laughed and said "your jersey number". FML

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By Awesome - 17/8/2011 00:05 - Russian Federation

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

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By holla1787 - 4/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 14:16 - Denmark - N?rresundby

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Columbus

Vampires are everywhere

Today, at 1:30 a.m., a big ass bat squeezed its nasty body through the bottom crack of the door. My sweet little Corgi cowered on the bed as the bat flew circles around my head. I'll be moving now. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 02:01

Billy no-mates

Today, I feel both happy and jealous of my father. It's his birthday and he has received over 100 times more phone calls than me. I'd had two: one from my local bank manager and one from my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 19:45 - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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By treegirl - 26/7/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By Parent - 8/4/2018 23:00 - United States - Elkhart

Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML

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By fihifgni210 - 20/5/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML

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By timmyb - 2/3/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, i walked into starbucks for a job application. I asked the manager if they were hiring, I really need a job. He looked me up and down and replied, " NO". There was a 'now hiring' sign in the window. FML

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By Radio GaGa - 27/10/2014 16:25 - Canada

Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper tantrums. He's a radio personality, and just learned that he's not famous enough to use the "Don't you know who I am?" line to get out of a traffic ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 12:10 - Norway

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

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By DisturbedMan - 15/1/2014 22:29 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

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By busted - 25/9/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a club with my friends. I noticed the bouncer looked at me strangely. Then he erupts and screams, "you're the bitch who caused havoc and £255 damage to the cloakroom, pay up or I'll call the fuzz!" Little did I know my 15-year-old sister stole my ID last weekend. FML

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By Noname - 28/1/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I went into my office and told my boss that I hated my job and was quitting on the spot. I tried to leave quickly but I slipped and fell on the marble floor right in front of everybody during my exit. FML

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By Seriously? - 6/1/2014 07:17

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend is still obsessed with me. Apparently he named his dog after me and talks to her like she's a real person. FML

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By Laceylace - 22/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

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By enderw - 16/6/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML

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By fmlgirl - 9/5/2014 18:44 - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By Semius - 8/5/2019 05:00

Today, I saved a young girl from drowning in a hotel pool with no lifeguards on duty. The girl's mother was too busy on her phone to notice what was happening, and when I called out to her, she started yelling at her daughter for going in too far. Never bothered to thank me for saving her kid either. FML

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By ohshat - 22/12/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

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By Iarla_ceapaire93 - 16/6/2015 17:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

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By flowerging - 11/4/2013 04:53 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

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By anonymous - 27/11/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, after spending hours putting up our tree and decorating it, it fell over and shattered the glass ornaments. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 18:02 - United States - Gillette

Not now, mom!

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

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By Lovesickgal - 26/11/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom

Wrong number

Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, "wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 23:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

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By Ex-girlfried - 6/9/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 22:00

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 07:17 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By A. - 15/4/2009 07:48 - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

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By GasAttack - 7/9/2009 13:32 - Canada

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

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By G-6 - 7/1/2011 11:24

Today, I was on the plane asleep. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone on the plane laughed. FML

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By Nighty-nitrogen - 10/5/2016 00:07 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was trying to sleep, when I felt someone rattling my bed from underneath. Petrified from shock, I lied there for what felt like hours, waiting for a murderer to spring out. I must've finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up in the morning, I found out it was a minor earthquake. FML

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By Sydney - 15/1/2013 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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By hopeless-.- - 29/8/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

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Top comments

By organizse | 28

#6500787 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

Does he wear a fedora and have a neckbeard too?

By gummehbewr | 19

#6500785 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

You're brother needs to learn what manners are..

COMMENTS

By gummehbewr | 19

#6500785 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

You're brother needs to learn what manners are..

Reply

Cpl_Levi | 19

#6500882 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:13

*your

Reply

gummehbewr | 19

#6500897 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:35

It was a simple typo... No need to overreact it was my bad

Reply

Azurexorcist | 11

#6500921 - Monday 4 January 2016 3:19

No one overreacted

Reply

nanxi | 30

#6500946 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:06

This is more of a problem with his views than just his manners...

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6501065 - Monday 4 January 2016 7:15

OP needs to tell him. He is being arrogant and ignorant at the same time. Punching OP for telling him how to improve is childish. OP needs to straightforwardly tell him again and stop him from acting out again.

Reply

gummehbewr | 19

#6501422 - Monday 4 January 2016 18:05

Sorry my bad... Again.. I was disappointed that I had made a mistake and I overreacted.. Autocorrect am I right?

By organizse | 28

#6500787 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

Does he wear a fedora and have a neckbeard too?

Reply

JKPwnage | 25

#6500981 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:48

"Nice guys finish last"

Reply

Vitani_Verci | 24

#6501119 - Monday 4 January 2016 8:23

His shirt would say "I get friendzoned on the first date" if that were true.

Reply

shinikageWolf | 15

#6501871 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 4:15

Who would want to be friends with that?

Reply

Idiot_Penguini | 7

#6588921 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 5:47

The hell I love fedoras

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6500788 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

And he wonders why he's single? What a douche. :/

Reply

flufee2 | 27

#6501061 - Monday 4 January 2016 6:56

Hopefully he smartens up later on lol.. #newyearnewme?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6501130 - Monday 4 January 2016 8:39

Yup, he deserves it. At least there's a bit of justice left in the world!

By arandomperson97 | 18

#6500790 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

I hate guys like this and I'm a guy. Tell him if he can't respect a woman than he's never going to date anybody. Good luck OP, put him in his place!

Reply

Classy_Sassy15 | 18

#6500889 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:24

So do I he needs to learn manners and respect. Women don't want to be treated as an object.

Reply

Mylehz | 13

#6500959 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:25

Heck, nobody wants nor deserves to be treated like an object - men and women alike are more than just a walking sex toy! Wish people like OP's brother would realize that.

By Lonewolf148 | 18

#6500791 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

Sack up?

Reply

coops456 | 14

#6500924 - Monday 4 January 2016 3:28

Guess there's a reason you're single bud

By imabat | 14

#6500792 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

Wow sounds super classy...

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6500794 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:50

He sounds like a complete douchebag.

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6500795 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:51

Let me guess, he also refused to go see the newest Star Wars and he refers to himself as a men's rights activist.

Reply

fluffycatsdad | 33

#6500804 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:54

What does not wanting to see a movie have to do with anything?

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6500811 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:59

Some twats got really angry because the new Star Wars dared to have a woman as one of, if not THE, main character.

Reply

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6500823 - Monday 4 January 2016 1:10

I wonder what they think of the twats who refused to see the movie because a black man was the other main character?

Reply

MonstreBelle | 28

#6501189 - Monday 4 January 2016 11:35

A main character with a vagina? And another main character whose body produces more melanin? Mercy stars, I must clutch my pearls! Society is going to hell in a handbasket! What atrocity is next? Gingers playing main characters?

Reply

fyvaprold | 11

#6501345 - Monday 4 January 2016 16:32

#18: these two groups probably overlap a lot.

Reply

drivingmoleman | 3

#6502576 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 23:32

I'm scared of MRAs :/

By k_dizzy95 | 17

#6500799 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:52

Sounds like he can't get a girl because all of the dick he has is in his attitude.

Reply

lizisanaddict | 17

#6500951 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:16

75% of it has to be in his personality somewhere.

By fluffycatsdad | 33

#6500805 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:56

Your brother sounds like a right tosser. I hope you called the police on him when he punched you.

Reply

Fr0gs | 15

#6500985 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:52

You hope op called the policy on the brother. You arent any better than the average pos

Reply

Grimmerie | 31

#6501012 - Monday 4 January 2016 5:37

I've called the police on my brother when he's assaulted me. Assault is illegal, am I supposed to let him physically harm me because we happen to share a last name? Nice logic.

Reply

picax8398 | 12

#6501013 - Monday 4 January 2016 5:44

What the fuck are you?

Reply

DoomedGemini | 37

#6501085 - Monday 4 January 2016 7:47

A family member could almost kill you and people like 55 would freak out if you pressed charges. If family doesn't act like family- like assaulting or stealing- why the fuck should you treat them different from anyone else.

Reply

ThisSavageC | 4

#6657092 - Monday 25 July 2016 6:52

cop calling bitch nigger