Miscellaneous: Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

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Broken heart

There's no helping some people

Some dream…

By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom

Left hanging

Today, I was at work, and I had to tell my manager I was calling someone to bring me a bra as mine had broken mid-shift. I was the only woman on shift. It took them 30 minutes to show up and I still had to serve front of house while I waited. FML

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By please don't get the succ - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

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By Cheese luv - Australia - Watson

Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML

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By CaseyFpC85 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

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By Great. - Brazil - Belo Horizonte

Today, I found an old toy that I gave to my daughter several years ago. It was still unopened, and long forgotten, so I decided to re-gift it to one of my friend's children. My daughter immediately remembered her "favorite" toy and started crying inconsolably. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to get blood drawn. Apparently, my veins are too thin and no blood would flow into the tube. I'm afraid of needles, and was just poked with some unsuccessfully, and I have to go back next week to try again. FML

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By Lonely - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I left the TV on for company. The power went out. FML

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By tool - United States

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By ilovemom - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got promoted to a management position. After work, I went for a drink with my co-manager and a few of our colleagues, where they discussed their plans to take Ecstasy before/during our work Christmas party. Wonderful. FML

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By SleepyKirsty - United Kingdom

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

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By Gabi - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. He's twenty. FML

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By Anonymous - Dominican Republic

Today, my expensive, multi-feature, water proof watch was destroyed... by water. FML

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By Mike

Today, my teenage daughter got her driver’s license. Less than an hour later she wrecked my wife’s new minivan. FML

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By nataliepaige - Canada

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

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By yeaokay - United States

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By jessica071509 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were looking for a new house. The open house we were in had a strange floral scent to entice the buyers. I am three months pregnant and have horrible morning sickness. I threw up all over the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 23:01

You just had to be special

Today, all of my friends are complaining about weight gain due to the pandemic. Instead, I have remained the exact same size, but completely unable to sleep or digest my food. FML

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By stagedivefail - Australia

RAWK N ROLL!!!

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

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By catlover - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hyattsville

Today, I gave a big presentation to my class. It included PowerPoint slides and video clips of the country I'd been researching. Another student did a presentation on the same country, except he just read from its Wikipedia page. He practically got a standing ovation. I got a single clap. FML

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By drchinky888 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I was having dinner at my aunt's house who just migrated to Germany from India and doesn't know any German. I asked for the recipe of a dish and she said that she has been buying these cans with cute kitty picture and just adds spices to it. Catfood is delicious I must admit. FML

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By samikai523 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By Squid - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

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By gummy

Today, despite asking her to stop countless times, my stepmom still barges into my room explosively and without warning. I faint when startled. FML

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By ThatEndedWell - United States - Staten Island

MMA FML

Today, I decided to challenge the jerk jock at work to a fight, since he kept poking fun at me for being a weakling. Having started taking MMA classes, I was confident I'd make him eat his words. Just my luck, he's an MMA instructor and kicked my ass effortlessly. Not what I had planned. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 22:01

You got played

Today, my son-in-law's parents were saying it was a shame our kids are so busy working they have to babysit all day 4 days a week. Me and my wife babysit 3 days a week, which is when we realised our kids have basically tricked us 4 grandparents into raising their baby all week, including weekends. FML

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By no selfie for me - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Johnson City

Today, I was Skyping with my girlfriend. I was so incredibly tired and just wanted to go to bed, but she just kept talking and wouldn't let me go. I ended up blurting "Your mom's a cunt." just to start a fight and have an excuse to hang up on her. I feel like an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2021 18:01

Special family

Today, my son has complex special needs, but apparently some of my deliberately ignorant relatives put no effort into learning more about his issues, and just call him "the retarded one" when they think I can’t hear them. FML

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By itzcorinnelove - United States

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

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By TooFast - Australia - Mount Druitt

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

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By Glutton for Punishment. - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

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By oh gee, you don't say - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

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Top comments

By organizse | 28

#6500787 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

Does he wear a fedora and have a neckbeard too?

By gummehbewr | 19

#6500785 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

You're brother needs to learn what manners are..

COMMENTS

By gummehbewr | 19

#6500785 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

You're brother needs to learn what manners are..

Reply

Cpl_Levi | 19

#6500882 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:13

*your

Reply

gummehbewr | 19

#6500897 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:35

It was a simple typo... No need to overreact it was my bad

Reply

Azurexorcist | 11

#6500921 - Monday 4 January 2016 3:19

No one overreacted

Reply

nanxi | 30

#6500946 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:06

This is more of a problem with his views than just his manners...

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6501065 - Monday 4 January 2016 7:15

OP needs to tell him. He is being arrogant and ignorant at the same time. Punching OP for telling him how to improve is childish. OP needs to straightforwardly tell him again and stop him from acting out again.

Reply

gummehbewr | 19

#6501422 - Monday 4 January 2016 18:05

Sorry my bad... Again.. I was disappointed that I had made a mistake and I overreacted.. Autocorrect am I right?

By organizse | 28

#6500787 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

Does he wear a fedora and have a neckbeard too?

Reply

JKPwnage | 25

#6500981 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:48

"Nice guys finish last"

Reply

Vitani_Verci | 24

#6501119 - Monday 4 January 2016 8:23

His shirt would say "I get friendzoned on the first date" if that were true.

Reply

shinikageWolf | 15

#6501871 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 4:15

Who would want to be friends with that?

Reply

Idiot_Penguini | 7

#6588921 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 5:47

The hell I love fedoras

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6500788 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

And he wonders why he's single? What a douche. :/

Reply

flufee2 | 27

#6501061 - Monday 4 January 2016 6:56

Hopefully he smartens up later on lol.. #newyearnewme?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6501130 - Monday 4 January 2016 8:39

Yup, he deserves it. At least there's a bit of justice left in the world!

By arandomperson97 | 18

#6500790 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

I hate guys like this and I'm a guy. Tell him if he can't respect a woman than he's never going to date anybody. Good luck OP, put him in his place!

Reply

Classy_Sassy15 | 18

#6500889 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:24

So do I he needs to learn manners and respect. Women don't want to be treated as an object.

Reply

Mylehz | 13

#6500959 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:25

Heck, nobody wants nor deserves to be treated like an object - men and women alike are more than just a walking sex toy! Wish people like OP's brother would realize that.

By Lonewolf148 | 18

#6500791 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

Sack up?

Reply

coops456 | 14

#6500924 - Monday 4 January 2016 3:28

Guess there's a reason you're single bud

By imabat | 14

#6500792 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

Wow sounds super classy...

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6500794 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:50

He sounds like a complete douchebag.

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6500795 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:51

Let me guess, he also refused to go see the newest Star Wars and he refers to himself as a men's rights activist.

Reply

fluffycatsdad | 33

#6500804 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:54

What does not wanting to see a movie have to do with anything?

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6500811 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:59

Some twats got really angry because the new Star Wars dared to have a woman as one of, if not THE, main character.

Reply

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6500823 - Monday 4 January 2016 1:10

I wonder what they think of the twats who refused to see the movie because a black man was the other main character?

Reply

MonstreBelle | 28

#6501189 - Monday 4 January 2016 11:35

A main character with a vagina? And another main character whose body produces more melanin? Mercy stars, I must clutch my pearls! Society is going to hell in a handbasket! What atrocity is next? Gingers playing main characters?

Reply

fyvaprold | 11

#6501345 - Monday 4 January 2016 16:32

#18: these two groups probably overlap a lot.

Reply

drivingmoleman | 3

#6502576 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 23:32

I'm scared of MRAs :/

By k_dizzy95 | 17

#6500799 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:52

Sounds like he can't get a girl because all of the dick he has is in his attitude.

Reply

lizisanaddict | 17

#6500951 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:16

75% of it has to be in his personality somewhere.

By fluffycatsdad | 33

#6500805 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:56

Your brother sounds like a right tosser. I hope you called the police on him when he punched you.

Reply

Fr0gs | 15

#6500985 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:52

You hope op called the policy on the brother. You arent any better than the average pos

Reply

Grimmerie | 31

#6501012 - Monday 4 January 2016 5:37

I've called the police on my brother when he's assaulted me. Assault is illegal, am I supposed to let him physically harm me because we happen to share a last name? Nice logic.

Reply

picax8398 | 12

#6501013 - Monday 4 January 2016 5:44

What the fuck are you?

Reply

DoomedGemini | 37

#6501085 - Monday 4 January 2016 7:47

A family member could almost kill you and people like 55 would freak out if you pressed charges. If family doesn't act like family- like assaulting or stealing- why the fuck should you treat them different from anyone else.

Reply

ThisSavageC | 4

#6657092 - Monday 25 July 2016 6:52

cop calling bitch nigger