Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2016 14:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

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Body issues

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Deep-seated resentment

By LilyL - 6/6/2010 21:53 - United States

Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates always neglect. I scrubbed the floor, emptied the fridge, washed all the dishes, etc. When I was done, I was thirsty so I got myself a soda. I opened the can, and it exploded and sprayed everything I had just washed. FML

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By Disgruntled - 16/3/2016 12:01 - United States - East Lansing

Today, my 2-year-old daughter started showing signs of understanding the potty training concept. She announced to my mother-in-law that she needed to go potty, only to be flatly told, "No, you don't." So she crapped herself. Now it's going to take forever to train her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2017 13:05 - United Kingdom

Staycation time

Today, £250 of money belonging to work was stolen from my handbag. My boss says I have to pay it back because I'm the one that signed out the cash. There goes the holiday I was about to book. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 13:56 - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

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By ava_henryy - 30/4/2013 08:04 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I had to be rushed to the hospital when I started sneezing uncontrollably and got a huge rash. It turns out I'm highly allergic to a chemical in most cleaning supplies. Great. I just got a job as a house cleaner for a very rich family. FML

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By fatman - 14/12/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

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By waiterrrrrrrrr - 2/8/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was working my shift at a fancy restaurant and it had been a really hard day. My parents came in to have dinner and surprise me. After paying, they left a note saying they would see me at home. It also said "By the way, no tip, because you stink at serving." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:46 - United States

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML

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By why me? - 6/9/2014 04:25 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML

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By JustMyLuck - 12/2/2010 14:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

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By naladetet - 23/11/2014 08:31 - United States - Newark

Today, I accidentally called my boss 'mom'. Now she is jokingly telling everyone that I'm the long-lost daughter she gave up for adoption, because she knew I'd be a failure. FML

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By tomoxishigaki - 17/11/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

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By someoneneedsassistance - 24/4/2015 15:07 - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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By zAstonish - 28/11/2019 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Porn, comment

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

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By Unemployed - 28/8/2016 17:16 - Australia - Hinchinbrook

Today, I discovered that my supervisor, who I thought liked me, actually thinks I am incompetent and lack emotional intelligence. I'm a student nurse and I've just listed her as my reference for our single, statewide job application. There's no way to change it. FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2014 06:42 - Canada - Regina

Today, my older brother managed to convince my younger sister that she's actually a boy, and that she'll soon be getting a penis in the mail, which she excitedly told everyone she could. He convinced me of the exact same thing as well several years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2016 14:42 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML

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By alice - 14/2/2011 01:18 - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs. FML

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By MexyBoy - 13/8/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 months and I broke up. We decided to give back everything we ever bought for each other. I gave her the stuff she bought me and when I asked for my stuff she said she'd sold it and spent the money on herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 16:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

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By M3DO - 3/8/2016 01:04

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

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By diablo - 23/5/2018 19:00

Today, I assisted my first customer at my first job as a Target cashier. When I rang up this lady's items and gave her the total, not only did she hiss at me and spit in my face, but she also dragged my manager over and demanded that he fire me. He did. FML

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By Bad Dad - 20/10/2014 03:48 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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By tkoester - 29/8/2015 04:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a phone call letting me know my grandmother was arrested for trying to light my grandpa on fire. She's now in jail, asking for bail money. FML

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By Jessika - 7/8/2009 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 02:08 - United States

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 06:55 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

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By Jif_Creamy - 28/2/2016 05:00 - United States - Washington

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

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By loser - 3/1/2010 12:00 - United States

Today, I handed my friend a $50. I paid her to take care of my farm on Farmville, feed my fish on Fishville, and flip my burgers on Cafe World, while I went on vacation for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 17:02 - United States - Houston

Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2018 05:00

Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

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By AAnonymous - 5/11/2014 13:57 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my ex sent me a pack of beer to screw with me. I'm still going to AA, and I thought I was almost over it. Five bottles later, I realized I'm not. We didn't break up over my drinking, either; it was because after just 2 weeks of dating, she threatened to kill herself if I didn't marry her. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 16:33 - United States

Today, my class was assigned lockers. Out of all the lockers in the entire school, mine is the only one to still have graffiti on it from last year. The tagger's choice of words? "Poop face." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 07:26 - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By Rusty - 18/6/2015 02:07 - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 14:00

This is going well

Today, my husband is so bored with speaking to me, he literally walked outside when I was mid-sentence during a conversation about how I need more attention in our relationship. We've only been married 3 months. FML

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By caitplaysguitar - 9/2/2010 14:56 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend pick all the dead skin off of his feet. And then fling it at me. FML

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Top comments

By organizse | 28

#6500787 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

Does he wear a fedora and have a neckbeard too?

By gummehbewr | 19

#6500785 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

You're brother needs to learn what manners are..

Comments

By gummehbewr | 19

#6500785 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

You're brother needs to learn what manners are..

Reply

Cpl_Levi | 19

#6500882 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:13

*your

Reply

gummehbewr | 19

#6500897 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:35

It was a simple typo... No need to overreact it was my bad

Reply

Azurexorcist | 11

#6500921 - Monday 4 January 2016 3:19

No one overreacted

Reply

nanxi | 30

#6500946 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:06

This is more of a problem with his views than just his manners...

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6501065 - Monday 4 January 2016 7:15

OP needs to tell him. He is being arrogant and ignorant at the same time. Punching OP for telling him how to improve is childish. OP needs to straightforwardly tell him again and stop him from acting out again.

Reply

gummehbewr | 19

#6501422 - Monday 4 January 2016 18:05

Sorry my bad... Again.. I was disappointed that I had made a mistake and I overreacted.. Autocorrect am I right?

By organizse | 28

#6500787 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:47

Does he wear a fedora and have a neckbeard too?

Reply

JKPwnage | 25

#6500981 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:48

"Nice guys finish last"

Reply

Vitani_Verci | 24

#6501119 - Monday 4 January 2016 8:23

His shirt would say "I get friendzoned on the first date" if that were true.

Reply

shinikageWolf | 15

#6501871 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 4:15

Who would want to be friends with that?

Reply

Idiot_Penguini | 7

#6588921 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 5:47

The hell I love fedoras

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6500788 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

And he wonders why he's single? What a douche. :/

Reply

flufee2 | 26

#6501061 - Monday 4 January 2016 6:56

Hopefully he smartens up later on lol.. #newyearnewme?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6501130 - Monday 4 January 2016 8:39

Yup, he deserves it. At least there's a bit of justice left in the world!

By arandomperson97 | 18

#6500790 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

I hate guys like this and I'm a guy. Tell him if he can't respect a woman than he's never going to date anybody. Good luck OP, put him in his place!

Reply

Classy_Sassy15 | 18

#6500889 - Monday 4 January 2016 2:24

So do I he needs to learn manners and respect. Women don't want to be treated as an object.

Reply

Mylehz | 13

#6500959 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:25

Heck, nobody wants nor deserves to be treated like an object - men and women alike are more than just a walking sex toy! Wish people like OP's brother would realize that.

By Lonewolf148 | 18

#6500791 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

Sack up?

Reply

coops456 | 14

#6500924 - Monday 4 January 2016 3:28

Guess there's a reason you're single bud

By imabat | 14

#6500792 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:48

Wow sounds super classy...

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6500794 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:50

He sounds like a complete douchebag.

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6500795 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:51

Let me guess, he also refused to go see the newest Star Wars and he refers to himself as a men's rights activist.

Reply

fluffycatsdad | 33

#6500804 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:54

What does not wanting to see a movie have to do with anything?

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#6500811 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:59

Some twats got really angry because the new Star Wars dared to have a woman as one of, if not THE, main character.

Reply

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6500823 - Monday 4 January 2016 1:10

I wonder what they think of the twats who refused to see the movie because a black man was the other main character?

Reply

MonstreBelle | 28

#6501189 - Monday 4 January 2016 11:35

A main character with a vagina? And another main character whose body produces more melanin? Mercy stars, I must clutch my pearls! Society is going to hell in a handbasket! What atrocity is next? Gingers playing main characters?

Reply

fyvaprold | 11

#6501345 - Monday 4 January 2016 16:32

#18: these two groups probably overlap a lot.

Reply

drivingmoleman | 3

#6502576 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 23:32

I'm scared of MRAs :/

By k_dizzy95 | 17

#6500799 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:52

Sounds like he can't get a girl because all of the dick he has is in his attitude.

Reply

lizisanaddict | 17

#6500951 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:16

75% of it has to be in his personality somewhere.

By fluffycatsdad | 33

#6500805 - Monday 4 January 2016 0:56

Your brother sounds like a right tosser. I hope you called the police on him when he punched you.

Reply

Fr0gs | 15

#6500985 - Monday 4 January 2016 4:52

You hope op called the policy on the brother. You arent any better than the average pos

Reply

Grimmerie | 31

#6501012 - Monday 4 January 2016 5:37

I've called the police on my brother when he's assaulted me. Assault is illegal, am I supposed to let him physically harm me because we happen to share a last name? Nice logic.

Reply

picax8398 | 12

#6501013 - Monday 4 January 2016 5:44

What the fuck are you?

Reply

DoomedGemini | 37

#6501085 - Monday 4 January 2016 7:47

A family member could almost kill you and people like 55 would freak out if you pressed charges. If family doesn't act like family- like assaulting or stealing- why the fuck should you treat them different from anyone else.

Reply

ThisSavageC | 4

#6657092 - Monday 25 July 2016 6:52

cop calling bitch nigger