Intimacy: Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of... - FML

By bjfail - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

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Sorry…

Sounds like a catch

Free carer

By Kerrilyn - United States

Today, I was waiting in the car while my mom went into a store to get beer. A few minutes later, some guy was knocking on my window telling me to open the door. I started cursing him out, thinking I was getting attacked. Turns out he worked there and was putting the beer in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

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By We're still popping them - United States - Fremont

Today, the neighbors called the cops because they heard "gun shots". My girlfriend and I were popping bubble wrap. FML

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By animal lover...

Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML

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By Falouila - France

Today, I picked up my computer which had been at the repair shop for two weeks. I quickly logged on to MSN to talk to the girl who I'd been hitting on for weeks. Her profile picture was a photo of herself with her new boyfriend. FML

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By pyrogypsy - United States - Seattle

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 08:01

Traditions suck

Today, I found out the girl who ghosted me a month ago is engaged. Not only is she engaged, but she is in an arranged marriage. And not only is she going to be married, but she still has feelings for me. FML

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By Well then

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

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By notnicefools - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to visit my husband's grave. I was unable to mourn in peace because some teenagers were smoking pot and talking about a government conspiracy "to change the way gravity works" on the next grave over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was holding our weekly poker game with a few work buddies. My psychotic, live-in mother-in-law wasted no time jumping into the game, cheating me out of $150, my new wristwatch, and what little pride I had left. FML

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By morgan_rumm

Today, I texted my mom asking how she was doing. Apparently she's great, and on her honeymoon. I didn't know she was getting married, or that my parents had just gotten divorced. FML

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By toxic waste - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I unknowingly bought a house next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in the paper where residents are claiming that they are experiencing cancer and birth defects. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was getting out of the car, my 7-year-old son opened the door for me. I thought it was very gentlemanly of him to do that, until he smashed my thumb with the car door. FML

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By Gwayhir - France

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

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By datingfail - Australia - Northcote

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

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By haphazard2007 - United States

Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML

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By Wilson

Today, I fractured my tibia, fibula, and tore a tendon in my ankle. How? You might ask. By stepping in a hole at soccer practice. Now I’ll be out for the entire season with months of rehab. FML

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By 41k312

Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML

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By ramble ramble - United States - Monroe

Today, I was taking a leisurely stroll through the woods in the nice cool weather, when a mountain biker came out of nowhere and tore past, barely missing me. As I counted my luck, another biker followed the first and crashed right into me. FML

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By Pool-less - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

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By fml9124 - 7/11/2020 17:02

Legalize it!

Today, my state decriminalized small amounts of every hard drug you can name. Heroin, LSD, cocaine, you name it. I'm a recovering addict. I moved to Oregon to get away from the big city and drugs and take in nature. No I didn't. I knew this would happen. I'm screwed. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Marysville

Today, when my son gets mad in a store, he will scream stranger danger and run away from me, and to an employee, and ask for help. FML

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By Reggie

Today, it was the first sunny spring day that I had off from work. I spent the morning making a picnic lunch and took my girlfriend to a beautiful spot overlooking the lake. I did not count on a bird flying by with perfect poop aim as soon as we spread out the food. FML

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By htothecr - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

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By pianoblues - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

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By Allison Arsenault - 7/6/2020 08:08

Cheap-ass perv!

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years thinks that it is too expensive to get married, go on vacations, concerts, etc., but spends $100+/month on Hentai. FML

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By Emily - 28/12/2020 17:01

Gun control

Today, only a few hours after getting certified and buying my first pistol, I dropped it and blew off two of my toes. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally got to surprise my boyfriend with a birthday cake. I spent four days planning the perfect one. First thing he says? "Erm, you know I'm 32, right?" I got his age wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

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By je_regrette_tout - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

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By involuntary waxing - Canada

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

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By wantedphantom

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

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By Confusedfiance

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

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By Margo - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

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By :/ - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Cervignano Del Friuli

Today, I found out that I won't be able to attend my own wedding, because I'll be in a mandatory training class that doesn't allow people to take vacation for any reason. So now we've wasted $10,000, and I can't even fly home for one day. All because I got promoted unexpectedly. FML

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By dmlk - France

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

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By stickyandwet - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

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Top comments

By UnicornsDoExist | 0

#764665 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:44

since when do snores sound like moans of pleasure?

By amberbby69 | 6

#764663 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:43

If he actually stopped you in the middle, then that means you were just bad, period.

COMMENTS

By leadrunner751 | 3

#764572 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:15

ouch

Reply

chopra | 0

#1173156 - Sunday 1 August 2010 23:52

ydi for being a slut

Reply

underaegis | 0

#1326755 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 8:47

...……uh...ugh... Ouch

By Dimmak_fml | 1

#764574 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:16

first

Reply

Metzler31 | 17

#984399 - Sunday 25 April 2010 1:36

stfu

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1111614 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:07

FAIL!

Reply

cupcakechick | 17

#5396550 - Thursday 7 March 2013 20:13

Actually you're second. :)

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#764584 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:20

wow

By 1800getalife | 0

#764590 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:20

number two epic fail

By RainbowGecko | 0

#764600 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:25

this is definitly fake... nice try tho

Reply

cupcakechick | 17

#5396551 - Thursday 7 March 2013 20:15

not true, this happened to me once with my ex boyfriend, he come home super tired, and eneded up falling asleep while I was giving him a bj

By vgmaster | 0

#764606 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:25

burn!!!!!!!!!

By btheman549 | 0

#764637 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:33

wow u must b bad!

By jmateo_95 | 0

#764645 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:36

YDI.... u ugly bitch

By craze189 | 0

#764646 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:37

YDI for giving boring blow-j's. It's sad, but it's true. Actually, FHL.

By liquidbunny | 0

#764655 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:40

was his name Sanjiv by any chance? lol