Intimacy: Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of... - FML

By bjfail - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

BO Central

Fragile

By First World Problems - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Afterwards, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have my favourite meal. I got to watch them enjoy it. FML

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By ewicsmelly - United States

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

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By firestar772 - United States - Santa Barbara

Great work, son

Today, I went to pick up my 6-year-old son from his friend's house. They were having a great time, and he didn't want to leave. So, while I wasn't looking, he superglued both his hands to their kitchen table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

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By TVKill3r - United States

Today, at work while near a cigarette tray outside, a man said, "Thanks for polluting our environment!" All I could say was, "What?" He then said "I'm speaking English you know!" I was cleaning the cigarette tray at the time, don't smoke at all, and was born here. FML

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By Baldy

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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By not the scalpel - United States - Paso Robles

Weird

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

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By fuckedup - Germany

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

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By Robert

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

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By Jensa - United Kingdom - Buckingham

Today, my mother kindly brought me some soup as was recovering from having my tonsils out. Spicy Mexican bean soup. Yep, very spicy. FML

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By trackgurl - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, "Oh honey, don't worry! This is my first time too!" FML

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By anamanaguchi

Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my recent ex-boyfriend stopped by my house with a well-dressed man. He reached into his pocket and handed me records that "prove" he never cheated on me. Oh, and the man next to him? His lawyer, who gave me a summons to court over payment for the items I smashed when I dumped him. FML

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By artiemilano - United States

Today, I let my mother use my computer for school work. Later that day my mom asks me what's wrong with the computer. I look at it, only seeing a "Welcome to Windows XP" screen. She said that she saw a blue screen and pressed L and C when it asked her to. My mom managed to clear my hard drive. FML

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By man - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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By H…… - 20/11/2020 20:08

Are you sure you're OK?

Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML

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By failure - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

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By ChestExploding - United States - Greensboro

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

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By dunno why we bother - United States - Tampa

Today, while on patrol with my partner, we came across a guy getting a beat-down on the sidewalk. After restraining the attacker, we helped the victim to his feet, only for him to spit at us and call us "goddamn pigs". You're welcome, sir. FML

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By thefuckedupbunny

Today, while on the train with my dad, my boyfriend sent me a message. It was a nude, and when I looked, my dad saw. FML

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By Ethan - 7/4/2021 20:30 - United Kingdom - London

Time for the dentist

Today, I got home to my son holding his brother down with one foot on his chest and both hands on a pair of pliers, trying to pull out his infected tooth, looking like some sort of redneck, hillbilly comedy sketch. I half expected to hear sound effects in the background. FML

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By Akwa - 18/11/2020 14:02 - United Kingdom

You're just saying that…

Today, my mother and I got complimented on how we look alike. She's a German blonde and I was adopted from Vietnam. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my friend thought she would "save me some time" by spoiling Game of Thrones. FML

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By sudoku_fiend - United States - Millville

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 17:04 - United States - El Macero

Ding dong

Today, I got an ingrown hair. It wouldn’t be so bad, if it were anywhere other than my penis. FML

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By SupposedlyAverage - United States

Today, my fiancé proposed to me. He said, "I could have picked anyone, but I chose you. You're a solid 2, which is average. Not a 10, but I'm glad you're a 2. Less pressure, ya know." I'm not sure if I should be more upset with the fact that I'm "average", or the fact that he thought this was romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Panic mode: activated

Today, I got out of bed and saw muddy footprints next to it. They were at least three sizes bigger than mine. I live alone. FML

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By whywilson.. - Canada

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

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By Jjh99q - United States

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML

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By itsjustwill - United States - Puyallup

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

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By EpicFailTime

Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML

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By screwyouchris - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

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Top comments

By UnicornsDoExist | 0

#764665 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:44

since when do snores sound like moans of pleasure?

By amberbby69 | 6

#764663 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:43

If he actually stopped you in the middle, then that means you were just bad, period.

COMMENTS

By leadrunner751 | 3

#764572 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:15

ouch

Reply

chopra | 0

#1173156 - Sunday 1 August 2010 23:52

ydi for being a slut

Reply

underaegis | 0

#1326755 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 8:47

...……uh...ugh... Ouch

By Dimmak_fml | 1

#764574 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:16

first

Reply

Metzler31 | 17

#984399 - Sunday 25 April 2010 1:36

stfu

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1111614 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:07

FAIL!

Reply

cupcakechick | 17

#5396550 - Thursday 7 March 2013 20:13

Actually you're second. :)

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#764584 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:20

wow

By 1800getalife | 0

#764590 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:20

number two epic fail

By RainbowGecko | 0

#764600 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:25

this is definitly fake... nice try tho

Reply

cupcakechick | 17

#5396551 - Thursday 7 March 2013 20:15

not true, this happened to me once with my ex boyfriend, he come home super tired, and eneded up falling asleep while I was giving him a bj

By vgmaster | 0

#764606 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:25

burn!!!!!!!!!

By btheman549 | 0

#764637 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:33

wow u must b bad!

By jmateo_95 | 0

#764645 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:36

YDI.... u ugly bitch

By craze189 | 0

#764646 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:37

YDI for giving boring blow-j's. It's sad, but it's true. Actually, FHL.

By liquidbunny | 0

#764655 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:40

was his name Sanjiv by any chance? lol