Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of... - FML

By bjfail - 9/1/2010 15:56 - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22340

You deserved it

4845

Tweet

Share

Instadrama

Gas giant

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By ledon - 16/11/2011 04:15 - Canada

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30152

You deserved it

3175

Tweet

Share

By frenchy - 6/2/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, "There's a child in this bar! There's a CHILD in this BAR!" She turns around. She was a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10102

You deserved it

55227

Tweet

Share

By edwinduarte1 - 13/9/2010 06:49 - France

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30099

You deserved it

3289

Tweet

Share

By Rimmy Jobs - 21/8/2012 16:39 - United States

Today, after volleyball practice, I noticed my pants were missing. Now I have to go to work wearing spandex bottoms, all because one of my teammates is a thieving douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25282

You deserved it

2180

Tweet

Share

By ChiefKoala - 20/10/2019 22:00

This is America

Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1518

You deserved it

204

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/7/2010 00:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40708

You deserved it

16806

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 8/6/2011 16:47 - United States

Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20589

You deserved it

43363

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/11/2015 09:57

Today, I graduated from a top law school. My aunt's reaction? "I will never hang out with a cop." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24249

You deserved it

2051

Tweet

Share

By Damian - 22/4/2011 11:11

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

88734

You deserved it

6628

Tweet

Share

By madseason - 7/5/2012 00:13 - United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45725

You deserved it

4715

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/6/2013 14:29 - United States - Greenwood

Today, I went to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. When I went to go purchase them, the elderly lady behind the counter took one look at me and said, "Honey, you're your own birth control." FML

I agree, your life sucks

62422

You deserved it

10523

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/8/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46245

You deserved it

7912

Tweet

Share

By im_a_mocker - 28/1/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23214

You deserved it

5846

Tweet

Share

By j_Lauren - 28/1/2013 04:48 - United States

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37485

You deserved it

3294

Tweet

Share

By coeurdlucky - 19/10/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35070

You deserved it

3530

Tweet

Share

By wdunn69733 - 11/10/2012 14:30 - United States - Macon

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

86086

You deserved it

10078

Tweet

Share

By pain - 20/5/2016 04:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12775

You deserved it

1075

Tweet

Share

By madessalarouge - 20/10/2018 23:00 - United States

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2568

You deserved it

1289

Tweet

Share

By anon - 11/10/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I realized that the redneck, hick, abusive family that my co-workers always joke about is my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29351

You deserved it

3940

Tweet

Share

By caligirl921 - 11/12/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31912

You deserved it

21021

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30019

You deserved it

7167

Tweet

Share

By blanknameisblank - 9/6/2014 19:36 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48577

You deserved it

22019

Tweet

Share

By confusedbagel - 27/6/2013 06:22 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42878

You deserved it

3976

Tweet

Share

By FailedTraveller - 4/7/2018 15:00

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3541

You deserved it

331

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 07:00 - Canada - Sudbury

If it's brown, let it float around.

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5202

You deserved it

337

Tweet

Share

By jcesom - 29/7/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41427

You deserved it

15886

Tweet

Share

By greasyhair - 7/9/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16895

You deserved it

47234

Tweet

Share

By frame - 20/3/2009 15:08 - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

I agree, your life sucks

96970

You deserved it

10205

Tweet

Share

By misoranomegami - 21/6/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51580

You deserved it

16265

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47901

You deserved it

2679

Tweet

Share

By dude5028 - 8/9/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I switched from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. The guy was really persistant about a few personal questions. Then he brought my parents in the room and told them that I have an abnormally small penis and what remedies he knows of to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59991

You deserved it

4079

Tweet

Share

By jewel87 - 12/3/2010 16:39 - United States

Today, I decided to wear my Ugg boots to work. I forgot that my office is carpeted and that the fur in my boots makes me shock every metal thing I touch. I work with computers all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8748

You deserved it

35859

Tweet

Share

By Username - 16/6/2011 13:20 - United States

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. So I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44093

You deserved it

5944

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 15:02 - United States

Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8295

You deserved it

37356

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

I agree, your life sucks

637

You deserved it

2038

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27629

You deserved it

5650

Tweet

Share

By Thatkid - 18/2/2009 14:29 - Singapore

Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18657

You deserved it

56373

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 03:33 - United States

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49210

You deserved it

4537

Tweet

Share

By andrew - 4/4/2018 06:00

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6130

You deserved it

862

Tweet

Share

By nessacadesa - 24/3/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22945

You deserved it

58337

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By UnicornsDoExist | 0

#764665 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:44

since when do snores sound like moans of pleasure?

By amberbby69 | 6

#764663 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:43

If he actually stopped you in the middle, then that means you were just bad, period.

COMMENTS

By leadrunner751 | 3

#764572 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:15

ouch

Reply

chopra | 0

#1173156 - Sunday 1 August 2010 23:52

ydi for being a slut

Reply

underaegis | 0

#1326755 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 8:47

...……uh...ugh... Ouch

Reply

sjs700 | 0

#1495291 - Monday 4 October 2010 7:25

he is god

By Dimmak_fml | 1

#764574 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:16

first

Reply

Metzler31 | 17

#984399 - Sunday 25 April 2010 1:36

stfu

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1111614 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:07

FAIL!

Reply

cupcakechick | 17

#5396550 - Thursday 7 March 2013 20:13

Actually you're second. :)

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#764584 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:20

wow

By 1800getalife | 0

#764590 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:20

number two epic fail

By RainbowGecko | 0

#764600 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:25

this is definitly fake... nice try tho

Reply

cupcakechick | 17

#5396551 - Thursday 7 March 2013 20:15

not true, this happened to me once with my ex boyfriend, he come home super tired, and eneded up falling asleep while I was giving him a bj

By vgmaster | 0

#764606 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:25

burn!!!!!!!!!

By btheman549 | 0

#764637 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:33

wow u must b bad!

By jmateo_95 | 0

#764645 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:36

YDI.... u ugly bitch

By craze189 | 0

#764646 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:37

YDI for giving boring blow-j's. It's sad, but it's true. Actually, FHL.

By liquidbunny | 0

#764655 - Saturday 9 January 2010 20:40

was his name Sanjiv by any chance? lol