Miscellaneous: Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have... - FML

By Eisenhorn - 10/06/2015 17:55 - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 560

You deserved it 2 119

BO Central

The runs

Sweet, my ass

By Porter_Robinson - 30/04/2013 08:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I sent a girl a friendly conversation starter on Facebook. She replied, "I know what you guys are like. Oh, and that invitation to a date in about 5 messages time? Not a chance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 351

You deserved it 9 163

By Carrie - 08/05/2013 05:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my water broke while my boyfriend was breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 570

You deserved it 7 197

By Clementine - 27/11/2012 11:36 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 077

You deserved it 4 607

By jodafish - 08/11/2011 05:45 - Canada

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I couldn't tell her where the vitamins were in the pharmacy. The manager came and yelled at me for being lazy and incompetent. I work in the store across the street from the pharmacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 510

You deserved it 2 687

Bootstraps

By thanks dad - 07/07/2021 07:01 - United States

Today, my dad paid for plane tickets for my brother’s girlfriend and her two kids so they could go to the family reunion on the other side of the country. He refused to buy my ticket though, because I "should’ve planned better." I lost my job due to Covid and used my savings to pay rent and bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 107

You deserved it 60

By The Draught of Living Death - 17/07/2018 15:00

Today, I shared an elevator alone with an attractive co-worker. On our way up, she let out a loud, noxious rip. She covered her nose and mouth while giving me an accusing look, as I said with a straight face, "Excuse you." Later, I received a note from HR for harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 534

You deserved it 258

By unhappy wifey - 28/09/2012 06:09 - United States - Portland

Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 307

You deserved it 3 984

A bug, not a feature

By Anonymous - 22/04/2021 14:01

Today, I forget to remove my mask before I spitting. What a good day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 1 264

By uglyorstupid - 20/04/2010 16:46 - Croatia

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with a few other couples, and my boyfriend started to rant on how "all the hot chicks are dumb." Apparently, I'm either ugly or stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 225

You deserved it 5 212

By Anonymous - 28/01/2014 21:57 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 644

You deserved it 5 740

By Zoo - 07/05/2019 14:00

Today, I went to therapy. Previously, I had been given the task to write a list of things I hate about myself so my doctor could see what we needed to work on. I gave her the list, and she simply said, "Wow, I've never had someone give me such a long list." I had 55 items on the list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 748

You deserved it 263

By Anonymous - 22/02/2014 21:02 - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 696

You deserved it 4 329

By ordinaryday - 22/05/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 184

You deserved it 3 311

By Anonymous - 02/09/2015 13:56 - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 253

You deserved it 26 679

Adding insult to injury

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 13:01

Today, working on an ambulance, we had an elderly man who was obviously scared, so to get his mind off things I made small talk. When I went to ask if he was retired, it came out as, "so Steve, are you retarded?" My partner/supervisor across from me had tears running down her face from trying not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 182

By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 15:51 - Netherlands - Sevenum

Today, I opened up to my best friend about my depression. Her response: "If you're so depressed, why don't you just kill yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 097

You deserved it 2 196

By Jenny - 09/02/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, for our 8 month anniversary, my boyfriend bought me a hideous necklace with ugly charms hanging off it. I wore it anyway and got a rash from it on the side of my neck. After seeing the rash my boyfriend accused me of having a hickey from another guy and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 269

You deserved it 4 812

The long goodbye

By fml9124 - 14/11/2020 11:02

Spicy

Today, my 79-year-old mom who has Alzheimer's fondly remembered all the wild sex she had with me back in the 1960s. I wasn't born then. She thinks I'm my dad, who died 15 years ago. In all of our conversations now, she talks to me as if she is talking to her husband and some of the talks turn racy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 73

By jellybean_94 - 15/08/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137 258

You deserved it 7 342

By Anonymous - 24/05/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 692

You deserved it 4 015

By Anon - 13/06/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 474

You deserved it 7 300

By Anonymous - 05/05/2009 21:42 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 743

You deserved it 32 884

By Stormbringer - 01/02/2011 06:37

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 376

You deserved it 4 103

By ohnoooooo - 03/10/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I watched my boyfriend's band play a gig. I also found out he pulls the same faces playing the bass as he does when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 536

You deserved it 4 932

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 607

You deserved it 3 757

Not a car person

By Vehophobic - 21/09/2020 07:05 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my grandfather called me for the first time since lockdown. Just like the last 3 times we spoke, he tried to pressure me into learning to drive, despite my making it clear that it absolutely terrifies me. He won't stop asking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 629

By Sam_Licker81 - 19/11/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 712

You deserved it 6 656

Back in the red

By Brandon Lafantaisie - 03/05/2020 14:00

Today, I sneezed and pulled every muscle in my lower back. For the third time in two years, after $3000+ in physiotherapy. Round 3, here we come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 544

You deserved it 207

By Anon - 10/06/2012 04:19 - United States

Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 794

You deserved it 3 781

Sensual moment

By Ekh0es - 11/04/2021 15:30 - United States - Garfield

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She then turned around and said, "Tell my roommate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 525

You deserved it 1 776

By Anonymous - 22/05/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend just told me the picture of "him as a baby" was really his son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 157

By Bes - 14/06/2009 15:54 - Canada

Spicy

Today, at school, I was trying to pee in the stall, but I couldn't. I repeatedly pushed my bladder. Unfortunately, I didn't realize a number of thing. My stall was open, I made noises from frustration, and I looked like I was jacking off. When I gave up, somebody clapped and yelled, "FINALLY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 967

You deserved it 51 232

By Anonymous - 13/05/2019 02:00

Today, I had a teaching job interview. After giving my demo lesson, I was told by the director that I had given it on the wrong topic. Turns out, I never got the e-mail with the instructions for the interview. Now I'm definitely not getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 844

You deserved it 311

By a little less poor at least - 21/04/2013 16:03 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was trying sell a customer a top-of-the-line surround sound system. Apparently he was aware that I work on commission, as he threatened to buy the system elsewhere unless I sang Rebecca Black's "Friday" in front of the whole store. Goodbye, self-respect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 206

You deserved it 5 655

By beautyschool22 - 11/06/2012 23:39 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 499

You deserved it 3 244

By Ido - 14/06/2016 00:51 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I announced my engagement on social media. I got more people telling me how stupid I was than any actually congratulating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 223

You deserved it 3 092

By Granmacathy - 29/11/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 017

You deserved it 4 483

By YAABOIII - 05/04/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 123

You deserved it 8 782

Social reform, please

By Pepsi - 06/09/2020 14:02 - United States

Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 662

You deserved it 120

By EnglishLearner - 09/11/2012 16:23 - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 757

You deserved it 8 076

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Thursday 11 June 2015 8:59

If you don't take care of that problem it'll just come back to bite you in the end

IndefiniteBeauty 17

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:01

Sounds to me a little like how The old lady who swallowed a fly story goes. Who knows what's coming in next.

Comments

RayneSmytson 24

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Thursday 11 June 2015 8:56

Get a cane toad problem then?

confusedAsFuck 34

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:04

Or "Dead by poison syndrome" problem..

lumene 17

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Friday 12 June 2015 0:46

*Venom... Not poison...

dragonkisses28 25

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Friday 12 June 2015 0:51

Burn the house down. Do it now, before any of them can escape.

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Friday 12 June 2015 18:19

76 i think he's refering to the toads, which are poisonous

LlamaFlavoured 24

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Thursday 11 June 2015 8:57

You must be really hissed off

carebear1228 20

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Thursday 11 June 2015 16:02

Must be from Slytherin the way they thumbed you down

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Thursday 11 June 2015 8:57

Just wait the problem will slither on by...

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Thursday 11 June 2015 8:59

If you don't take care of that problem it'll just come back to bite you in the end

leogachi 15

Thursday 11 June 2015 9:51

I love that this comment can be both figurative and literal.

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:01

Snakes?!! Dang, that would cause me to want to move! Best of luck, OP !

sturschaedel 27

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Thursday 11 June 2015 18:16

After having lived in a house with a mouse infestation I'd rather have the snakes, at least as long they are not an immediate danger to humans (poisonous or big enough to cause serious damage). At least snakes will not eat the Tupperware containing your food, your food, your textiles, your bed, your papers and books, your candles, your wires and half your furniture.

IndefiniteBeauty 17

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:01

Sounds to me a little like how The old lady who swallowed a fly story goes. Who knows what's coming in next.

illegalbeagle69 23

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:19

Hawks.

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Thursday 11 June 2015 11:15

Ha ha! Imagine opening your pantry door and a hawk flies out! XD

mistress_paz 30

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Thursday 11 June 2015 13:10

That would be epic!

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Friday 12 June 2015 18:07

Epic. but at the same time... scary as fuck.

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:03

Run. Run and NEVER look back.

Cads1 24

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:05

Turn that problem into profit by making shoes out of them.

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:05

And when your snake problems end, you'd have a mongoose problem.

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Thursday 11 June 2015 23:46

Honey badgers!

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Thursday 11 June 2015 9:08

Living beside a zoo?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 5

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 84

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 221