Animals: Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this...

By tannarox - 28/01/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 718

You deserved it 2 537

Animals

Walk the line

The smell detective is on the case

Mama's boy

By Jenny - 28/12/2017 15:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I discovered the importance of having sex before marriage. We found out that my husband is gay on our wedding night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 849

You deserved it 1 613

Happy…

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 310

You deserved it 3 535

By Anonymous - 31/07/2016 14:19

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 899

You deserved it 869

Ah, those were the times…

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 20:50 - United States - Ely

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 416

You deserved it 4 499

By FlamedOut - 23/04/2017 22:00

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 801

You deserved it 507

By ilivealoneandwhatthefuck - 23/06/2013 17:02 - Guam - Yigo

Today, it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnomes in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras, which I thought had deterred the idiot, until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnomes on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 205

You deserved it 4 310

Get back

By Boar - 24/06/2012 20:51 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, another car slammed into me. By the time I got out to assess the damage, the other car was empty and there was nobody in sight. Either Moby Dickwad was abducted by aliens mid-crash, or he was behind on his insurance payments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 211

You deserved it 2 031

By Anonymous - 15/01/2018 01:30

Today, for the first time in years, I worked up the nerve to ask a work friend if they wanted to hang out sometime. They winced, and said they were busy that day. I hadn't specified a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 063

You deserved it 381

By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind double date with my friend. My date was actually blind. Not so bad, he seemed nice, until he told me I sound ugly and annoying. My friend laughed and agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 408

You deserved it 3 353

By lonely - 23/08/2011 16:49 - United States

Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 630

You deserved it 7 287

By nerderer - 30/04/2015 18:48 - United States - Duluth

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 809

You deserved it 6 810

By #[email protected] - 27/12/2018 16:00

Today, the guy I've fallen for and have been dating on and off for 2 years told me that he kept contacting me to re-connect because he missed hanging out with me, but didn't actually have any feelings for me. I already paid for a non-refundable weekend away as his Christmas present for us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 741

You deserved it 632

By LP - 15/06/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of having an eating disorder, and I didn't correct her. Truth is, I lost weight after I went off the pill a year ago. I'm too embarrassed to tell my mom that I haven't had anyone in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 882

You deserved it 7 559

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 13:16 - Canada - Brossard

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 436

You deserved it 1 777

By imnotcool - 16/04/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw a cop come up behind me. Nervous about my expired license, I kept checking in my rear view mirror. In turn since I wasn't paying attention, I ran a stop sign. Needless to say the cop pulled me over and gave me 2 tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 547

You deserved it 67 943

By Renzy - 12/12/2012 18:32

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 329

You deserved it 7 554

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 621

You deserved it 2 593

By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:27 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 173

You deserved it 3 315

By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 19:25 - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 930

You deserved it 3 340

By anonymous - 24/02/2015 11:50 - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend, she received a flirty message from her ex on her phone asking if she wanted to go to the cinema. She replied, knowing I could see the screen. The messages were signed with a love heart and about 15 kisses. She claims they are still just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 891

You deserved it 3 974

Nice to know

By justin bieber's nutsack - 06/06/2015 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said, "Never take a shit in this place. Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 176

You deserved it 2 777

By Tanuki_paws - 26/08/2012 21:05 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 601

You deserved it 2 713

Misconstrued

By DeeGirlMon - 03/08/2012 05:24 - Canada - Calgary

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 580

You deserved it 6 017

By tired individual - 12/01/2014 11:04 - United States - Dickson

Today, trying to get some much needed rest, I heard my neighbors fighting loudly. When they finally quit, they left a DVD on, directly behind my wall: Spongebob, with the menu tune on loop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 136

You deserved it 3 853

Shush

By Bride - 25/02/2021 23:00 - New Zealand

Today, I went in to pick my wedding dress. My fiancé's ex-girlfriend was my consultant. She basically hinted that I looked fat in every dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 145

By zzarzzur - 29/12/2015 09:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 694

You deserved it 1 837

By OUCH. - 17/11/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 500

You deserved it 3 400

Not you, her

By Emily - 05/04/2021 20:00 - United States - Greenville

Today, I told the guy I liked about my feelings, and he says, "Sorry I don’t like you, but can I get your sister's number?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 058

You deserved it 100

By fml - 22/05/2012 23:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 569

You deserved it 4 680

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anonymous - 14/07/2020 02:00

Today, I was told by Amazon that a belt I had ordered was arriving. I grabbed an Amazon package out of the mailbox without even checking who the package was addressed to. I now have an awkward apology ahead of me for opening my stepbrother's box of condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 1 577

By zazzleface - 09/04/2012 12:23 - United States - Bergenfield

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 211

You deserved it 2 356

Fire hazard

By Anonymous - 26/09/2020 17:11

Today, my boyfriend thought it was OK for both of us to leave the house with the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 221

By cheaphubbyswife - 04/04/2009 09:19 - Canada

Today, I took my son for a walk to tell him about the passing of our family dog. As we were walking by the river, Ozzy (our deceased dog) was laying on the riverbank. My son thought he just ran away and we found him. Turns out my husband was too cheap to pay the 100$ vet disposal fees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 433

You deserved it 5 964

By Anonymous - 01/03/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was such a coward that instead of breaking up with me, he changed his phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 743

You deserved it 3 588

By LucidNightmare - 27/01/2013 05:38 - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 690

You deserved it 18 664

You never know

By lolwut - 11/09/2014 06:33 - United States - Albany

Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be ok if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 555

You deserved it 18 418

By imaqtb - 09/09/2010 03:35 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 600

You deserved it 37 481

By Great. - 18/05/2012 15:05 - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 949

You deserved it 5 324

By Anonymous - 19/01/2018 15:00

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 609

You deserved it 521

By Anonymous - 30/01/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 830

You deserved it 8 616

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Top comments

Roevera 14

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:35

My cat cuts off the heads and leaves them on my doorstep at night. I wake up to find mouse heads all in a row on my porch when I leave for school..

disco2466 8

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:29

did you taste it and find out what it was?

disco2466 8

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:29

did you taste it and find out what it was?

arikakiki 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:29

Hahah:)

Dukekamono 5

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:31

If you boil it, it should be good

a1f0sff 25

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:32

Specially the tiny organs

behemoth198 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:34

Tasted like candy........

n3rd43v3r 10

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:36

Yummy

The_Hitdude 12

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:36

Make a nice leftover mice stew ;).

BeefyQueef 5

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:51

That's how I would of done it

blue_mist 7

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Saturday 28 January 2012 19:48

Dang that sucks.....at least you figured it out!

mibrahim01 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 20:14

Clean it up before the cleaning lady comes

shanemaximo 7

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Sunday 29 January 2012 2:31

If you don't want to finish your remains now, you should at least put them in the fridge for later.

ethan_roth13 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:29

Haha my cat did that once

Oasispetro1 4

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:40

Who cares it got taken care of be happy its not still running around

Anubis_81 21

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Sunday 29 January 2012 8:00

Mine too

kaylamahoney90 12

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Monday 30 January 2012 22:35

That is absolutely sick!

iishillaraylay 2

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:29

Food for kings.

olpally 32

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Saturday 28 January 2012 19:09

Not exactly... Food for a crazy cat lady-most likely.

Michael_92 20

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Sunday 29 January 2012 3:30

You know it. ;) The trick is you got to eat them raw. Mmmm tasty!

WTFjizzinmypantz 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:34

My cat does that like twice a day...

Pr0metheus 7

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:40

8 get your cat to a vet then, that's not healthy

TheFirstSamurai 18

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Saturday 28 January 2012 19:41

8 should also get new pants.

Furrywhiplash 14

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Saturday 28 January 2012 21:58

8- I think you should call an exterminator to take care of that rodent problem of yours. You and your cat are going to end up with some nasty disease if you have enough rodents around where your cat can throw their remains up twice a day.

Swiftly 0

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Sunday 29 January 2012 5:29

8- Your cat has problems man

a1f0sff 25

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:34

What an evil cat!!!

cinderellacat 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 19:30

We all gotta puke sometime

modulusoperandy 7

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:34

Well, at least your house is rodent-free! Be grateful.

kikidi 6

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Saturday 28 January 2012 19:58

Not if it had a tiny rat husband

ShyAnn29 14

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Sunday 29 January 2012 4:13

Usually if there's 1 mouse, there's more....I hate mice! FYL

Roevera 14

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:35

My cat cuts off the heads and leaves them on my doorstep at night. I wake up to find mouse heads all in a row on my porch when I leave for school..

silentbutfunny 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:54

Thats... Kinda cool

Roevera 14

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Saturday 28 January 2012 19:00

We just see it as her bringing us presents. :)

TheFirstSamurai 18

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Saturday 28 January 2012 19:20

Sounds like your cat is trying to place some kind of voodoo spell on you. Like the FML with doll heads and cigarette butts.

eigelste 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 21:43

My cat likes to leave full squirrels and rabbit carcasses on our porch and we see it the same way lol

MissFits_fml 6

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Sunday 29 January 2012 4:22

^ Squirrels? Rabbits? That's not your ordinary house cat, right?

MerrikBarbarian 9

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Sunday 29 January 2012 4:58

Rabbit? Squirrel? Sounds like dinner to me! Mine bring squirrels occasionally, and a grouse once... But damn rabbits? That cat must be on steroids!

JukeboxValkyrie 19

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:35

Love the articulate nature of this FML

Vulpes21 6

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:39

What a little angle :3

GLaDOSv1_09 19

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:59

Unless the cat vomited off the edge of something, in which case the remains would have achieved a large angle.

quite_bored 9

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Saturday 28 January 2012 19:47

Cats are such acute angles, until they get over 90, then they're just so obtuse.

TheFirstSamurai 18

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Sunday 29 January 2012 0:56

But they sure have amazing reflexes.

Vulpes21 6

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Sunday 29 January 2012 1:18

Lol swype

quite_bored 9

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Sunday 29 January 2012 1:52

No, don't blame it on swype. I'm using it now and look: angel. Easy as that.

Vulpes21 6

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Sunday 29 January 2012 2:00

Can you forgive me for a spelling error my virgin master?

quite_bored 9

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Sunday 29 January 2012 2:15

No.

tannarox 0

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Monday 30 January 2012 6:46

#30: In case you were wondering, the cat did in fact puke off the edge of something.

IdfkMyUsernamexC 5

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Saturday 28 January 2012 18:40

This would be more gross, if the cat ate it again. So yes it could be worse.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 48

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 144

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 47

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