Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

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Instadrama

Late bloomer

Management

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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By Emily - United States - Boston

Today, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. My breathing is short and heavy, and I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me. Instead, he called me Darth Vader, patted me on the head, and said, "Don't worry, the Force will be with you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a "get well soon" card in the mail, which I found just a little odd, since I was feeling completely fine. Not an hour later, I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2021 02:01

Panic

Today, I spent the night at a friend's house after drinking. My phone died and I didn’t charge it. My mom decided I was a missing person, and all of her friends on Facebook decided to post that I was missing. I’m a 27 year-old adult. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Say my name, say my name

Today, after being unemployed for over four months, I got a call from a company I've wanted to work for for over 2 years. After they were about to set up an interview, they called me by a different name. After correcting them, they hung up on me. Turns out they had the wrong number. FML

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By boyfriendless - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, after getting home from school, I realized I'd tucked my shirt into my underwear this morning. I'm fairly certain everyone got a good look at my lime green underwear. FML

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By slightlyworried - United States - Parker

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

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By fianceeless - United States

Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML

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By Ugh... - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

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By pumboc - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML

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By avocadopurse

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

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By a_dani365 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

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By StickyWicket

Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML

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By faye - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

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By gudmarjoh - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

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By MushyKetchup - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

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By JustRidingMyBike

Today, I started my new job as a supervisor. I began by cleaning out my new office, including recycling large sheets of cardboard left over from the new calendars. When the 2nd shift came in, however, they got very upset and yelled at me. Apparently, I had thrown away my Muslim workers' prayer mats. FML

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By Smile - France

Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML

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By comeuntome - United States

Today, it's the first day of my two-week stay at my in-laws' house. They forbid drinking, smoking, cursing, and anything even remotely sexual. I smuggled in my quietest toy to keep me sane in this holy house. If only I hadn't forgotten to bring the battery pack too. FML

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By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Kouvola

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

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By BrandonDrapeau - United States - Sparta

Today, I told my son about wet dreams, what they are and how they are normal. Afterwards, he exclaimed, "It's kinda like when I beat off, except I'm asleep! Awesome!" FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

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By Partyofthree

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

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By Gioia - Bulgaria - Vidin

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

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By Grindyloo

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

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By emilyparker - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By thenewgirl - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We had dinner reservations to an expensive restaurant and planned to see a movie after. At least, we did, until he called to tell me he'd volunteered to work tonight. He won't get off until 2am. FML

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By Aliiiice - France - Offranville

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Albany

Today, I was running late for school and accidentally ran a red light and got pulled over. I couldn't find the registration and was freaking out, when the cop told me that he wouldn't give me a ticket if he could give me some advice. His advice? Don't wear your shirt inside-out. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, after a small fight with my girlfriend, I started to miss her, so I typed her name into Google on a whim. Surprisingly, I find a link to a blog in which the owner describes his ongoing effort to seduce my girl. During times she told me she was alone. Thanks babe. FML

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By angry - Australia

Today, I went camping with my husband. We drove 11 hours to his favourite site before he remembered he didn't put the tent in the car. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7805091 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 18:16

At least he didn’t say, “While you’re down there...”

By Mooglefox | 23

#7805154 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 22:01

Hey, better be happy that his pants were up

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7805091 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 18:16

At least he didn’t say, “While you’re down there...”

By Mooglefox | 23

#7805154 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 22:01

Hey, better be happy that his pants were up

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7805217 - Thursday 23 May 2019 2:14

On public buses, the odds of that might be 50/50.

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7805228 - Thursday 23 May 2019 3:43

“And that, kids, is how I met your father”