Intimacy: Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She...

By 0ros - United States

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

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Intimacy

Sorry…

Fancy a pint?

The past that suits you best

By LtlCheeseburger - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By Herestheskinny

Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products. She kept commenting on the look and "texture" of my skin in a very creepy and almost hungry fashion. I'm afraid that she wants to skin me. FML

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By thegirlofthedad - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

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By owmyfoot - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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By quarantine hell - 31/3/2020 17:00

Quid pro quo

Today, I called my sister and asked if she could watch my baby while I went to the store for desperately needed groceries and supplies. She refused, despite the fact that she's randomly dropped off her three rambunctious boys more times than I could count so she could go clubbing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 20:02

Surprise strike

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

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By MoncaBang - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

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By MiserableGradStudent

Triple Dog Dare

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

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By Anonymous

Increase school funding, please?

Today, my teacher began to explain Veterans' Day and why it's on 11/11 to a new student from Iran. He said he already knew, but this was news to almost everyone else in the class. FML

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By AwkwardPotato - United States - Bakersfield

Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed from a fellow employee at a bar that he finally "hit" the boss' wife. I work for my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML

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37944

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By Kayla

Today, it's the third day in a row that my classmate next to me has brought green bean casserole to eat in class. The last two days I could hold back my vomit, but today I couldn't. FML

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2338

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By stupidtoothpick2 - United States

Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

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By crazycatwaiter - 22/6/2020 23:06

Trip Advisor says no

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By Ineedit - United States

Not now!

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

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By suhleedah18 - United States

Today, I was working on the computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eye patch in a couple of days. FML

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34739

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By Anonymous - United States - Albany

Today, discovered that all the viruses I have gotten on my computer at work haven't been from anything I've done, but because my boss has secretly been using it after hours to download or watch porn so he wouldn't risk getting a virus on his own computer. I've lost 3 major projects due to this. FML

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By Anonymous

Sounds reasonable

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

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By I am not amused! - United Kingdom - Andover

Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By quick blow - United States

Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 02:59 - United States - West Yellowstone

Alexa, play "Burning down the house" by Talking Heads

Today, a house I'm working in burned down overnight. My entire cordless tool line up and everything else needed to remodel a 3-story home is gone. Almost $14000. The only way I will be somewhat, maybe, possibly, reimbursed is if I stay on to rebuild the home. I don't have anything left to even start. FML

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By Tanya

Today, I found shit smeared into the carpet and I wasn’t sure who to blame, the dog, the newborn baby or the 60-year-old alcoholic mother-in-law whose husband had finally thrown her out. I did eventually find her passed out drunk in my flower bed with shit all down her legs though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

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By porkfriedlife - United States

Today, I went to a theater and saw "Bruno" with my mom. We saw "Borat" together, so I thought, 'Hey, how bad could it be?' I don't know what was more nauseating: Bruno's penis spinning around and talking or the fact that my mom thought it was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By Anonymous

Put it away

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

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By mannnnn2717 - Australia

Today, I finally got around to writing my Christmas cards. After finishing, I realized I had written "Happy Birthday" instead of "Merry Christmas" on every single one. FML

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By brooke - United States

Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML

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20392

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By dirtyclothess

Today, my mom informed me that she doesn't wash my clothes anymore. Instead, she sprays them with Febreze to "save money". FML

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By punaise ... - France - Marchaux

Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML

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By Taylor

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who loves board games, to give me advice on a board game I'm making. I ended up crying in the fetal position. FML

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By xxxkkxxx - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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By SOdamnNervous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML

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Top comments

By Dreamworld_fml | 0

#560216 - Sunday 13 September 2009 10:45

Wow that's pretty sad lol. You must not be all that satisfying in bed : / You should have grabbed her waist, lifting her slightly in the air, and pound the shit out of her to make her really scream and moan and hang up that damn phone. ; )

By cr4ckb0n3f4n | 0

#560070 - Sunday 13 September 2009 9:27

multitasking sucks, fyl
maybe next time when you do it at the kitchen, she can make you a sandwich

COMMENTS

By j0vanaw0ah | 0

#560053 - Sunday 13 September 2009 9:23

hahahahahahahaha FAIL :)

Delahelacopter | 0

#599279 - Friday 2 October 2009 10:15

Thats hilarious.... and oddly arousing..

MadVlrus | 1

#617657 - Monday 12 October 2009 20:21

Yeh.... it has some appeal to it for some odd reason... :P

pedobearsstalker | 0

#906492 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 4:29

yeah dad the kids are fi...ha...ha...HAAAAYYOOOOEWWW...fine

bagginzy | 14

#2047298 - Saturday 5 February 2011 7:55

What's the FML here? Multitasking is an important trait in a woman. She's a keeper.

Crncj | 0

#2887644 - Thursday 14 July 2011 4:49

at least she kept going

By cr4ckb0n3f4n | 0

#560070 - Sunday 13 September 2009 9:27

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

steffanie_fml | 0

#560141 - Sunday 13 September 2009 10:02

sexist jokes ftw.

White667 | 0

#560874 - Sunday 13 September 2009 18:12

Haha, win xD

peedxdxdx | 0

#1002728 - Sunday 23 May 2010 0:15

epic win!

By LLiizzzz___ | 0

#560088 - Sunday 13 September 2009 9:34

Epic

miniman332211 | 0

#909583 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 3:21

dude u kiddin that's hot. how is this an fml lol

By ParkerBeach | 1

#560101 - Sunday 13 September 2009 9:41

1st post

Lx416 | 0

#1048174 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 6:54

salty.. lmao

-ł

By T1MBO | 0

#560109 - Sunday 13 September 2009 9:43

And you did nothing about it? I'm sorry but YDI. Your life isn't effed, you just have a wife who doesn't prioritize. Try oral next time.

By stephxor | 0

#560140 - Sunday 13 September 2009 10:00

that is fucked up

werzal | 5

#560182 - Sunday 13 September 2009 10:16

I agree with #6

Brittaneyyy | 0

#2997584 - Saturday 30 July 2011 1:42

how? it's not really a fml it's just she's way to comfortable with her family or it could be the sex is bad which makes it a fml

Taylo12237 | 5

#3472130 - Saturday 22 October 2011 17:50

I agree with #10

By Nexxion | 0

#560150 - Sunday 13 September 2009 10:04

How is this an FML? Your wife is awesome. I bet you'd complain if she made you a sandwich and accidently chose sourdough instead of white... Sourdough is awesome.

By gev | 0

#560162 - Sunday 13 September 2009 10:08

what, this sort of thing is a problem?

By axs333 | 0

#560214 - Sunday 13 September 2009 10:44

egh, I'm sure based on context it was bad sex. but personally I think it's hot trying to carry on a conversation while having sex. it's funny and bizzare and really worth it if they break their composure!