Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML
Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML
Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling upbeat and confident I was gonna get the position, until I saw that my main qualification on my resume was being a "real n**ga" and "getting bitches and hoes 24/7." My brother had changed it as a prank. FML
Today, I was so envious of my thin, pretty, genetically perfect sister getting a date that I lied to my mom, saying she was a prostitute. I made a fake escort page and used her pics. My mom lost her shit and kicked my sister out, but now the guilt is eating me up. FML
Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML
Today, I handed out 30 resumes only to find out, after the last resume was handed out, my brother had changed the last sentence of every paragraph to 'I am a massive douche bag.' FML
Today, my job interview got canceled. I later found out it's because my sister got the brilliant idea to go talk to the manager to "advocate" for me, and they thought I put her up to it. FML
Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML
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Top comments
christina3466 17
Maybe Justin Bieber will hire you.
annarcheer 19
Oh my gosh that is so rude.
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Comments (136)
volcanes_jovenes 6
I've had many people trust me enough to write, add to and proofread their resumes. Not once did it occur to me to add anything stupid to it in the hopes of getting a laugh out of them. Obviously, your sister has some growing up to do if she thinks hindering your chances at getting a job is hilarious. Sorry about that, OP.
simsgirlgem 25
your sister is a bitch
cappellaaa 23
that really sucks, but I laughed just a bit haha. whoops
Zebediabolical 45
I really hope you didn't have 'Attention to detail' as one of your strengths.
angryclouds 15
YDI for not checking and proofreading your résumé before sending it out to people.
Omniprism 15
Pay back will be a bitch. A cold bitch.
syed121417 22
That really sucks. I'm so sorry she was immature enough to do that, OP, but I just say, that's why I always try to update my resume every few months! And always proofread it before applying somewhere. But still, FYL.
crunchycheeto99 11
You didn't read your resume before submitting it..
tsukikuiin 16
no offense OP but any smart person would read over the resume before even handing one out.
ligerzero459 24
YDI completely and totally. You should be re-reading your resume before you submit it to a new employer