Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

Today, my mom decided to wake me up by pouring ice cold water on my face. Again. FML

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML

Whooped

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king size bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

Eau de toilette

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML