Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2012 19:03 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML

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Proactive

Mr Sensitivity

Not gonna happen

By NotaDTfan - 30/4/2017 02:00

Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML

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By Bonnie and Clyde - 8/5/2015 02:18 - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

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By JimiHendrix - 1/3/2013 01:55 - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

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By Murphy's law - 13/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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By LukeSkywalker - 23/12/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of 4 years through a speech that took me 3 weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML

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By catcraze - 20/5/2013 23:23 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2017 22:00 - United States - Littleton

Today, my 14-year-old sister came into the bathroom while I was in it. When she saw me, she said sorry and left. Little did I know, she took my electric toothbrush to masturbate. FML

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By thanks, fuckface - 16/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

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By charlieday - 21/9/2009 16:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if she should get birthcontrol, of course I said yes and offered to pay the 55 dollar fee. She got her physical and pills and then dumped me the next day. I basically paid 55 dollars so that she can sleep with other people. FML

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By mzgabbster - 24/10/2010 12:21 - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

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By anonymous - 24/6/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 16:47 - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

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By Prepper? - 6/12/2017 01:30

Going out of business? It's a matter of life and death!

Today, the accredited funeral home of my memorial plan is going out of business. Instead of delegating my policy to a different firm, they gave me the package. I now have to take home a land title for where I will be buried, my own coffin, and my headstone. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

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By AntSimo - 19/5/2009 07:46 - South Africa

Today, whilst presenting a report to the head of my college, I was arrested by a police officer for assault. I was in a bar the night before and accidentally bumped into a local tough guy on the way to the toilet. I got punched in the face. The witnesses got our names mixed up. That'll look great on my CV. FML

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By Samantha - 25/12/2018 02:00

Today, I discovered that my parents made a game out of my mental illness. Every morning, they have a bet on which one of them can make me cry first. FML

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By Broke - 7/2/2020 05:00 - United States

This is my life

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

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By JustMyLuck - 6/9/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, meeting his family for the first time. We were all standing in the kitchen when suddenly a small white and brown mouse ran by. As a natural instinct, I stomped on it. Turns out, it was his little sister's pet mouse that had gotten out of its cage earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2019 20:30

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By Kalaina - 25/10/2009 04:36 - France

Today, I received a three-time forwarded message which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML

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By Username - 11/8/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Drink it instead!

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

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By the other man - 28/8/2013 03:11 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

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By JJ_V3N0M - 3/1/2015 10:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday, so I decided to take her to a fancy restaurant and give her an expensive $400 necklace that I had bought. Being traditional, I asked the waiter to arrange it nicely on the tray when he came with our dessert. Neither he nor the necklace ever showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 08:00

Winning

Today, I found out my fourteen-year-old daughter is making more money than me, thanks to babysitting and winning writing contests. FML

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By MAWZ - 19/7/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell and hit my head on the faucet. FML

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By noname - 22/12/2008 11:54 - France

Today, I decide to go to my ex-girlfriend's house to bring her stuff back. I broke up with her earlier this week after a 2 year relationship, and I'd hoped she would have realized her mistake and ask me to stay for a bit and talk. I ring the doorbell and her new boyfriend opens the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

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By TheComputerGuy96 - 22/5/2010 07:56 - Italy

Today, I was locked out of my house. After hours of trying to break the door, I found out I accidentally left a window open. The door, however, still needs to be replaced. FML

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By DirtyCharmed - 1/11/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 04:17 - United States - Richardson

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

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By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/1/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

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By Dfacta - 13/5/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, I found out the reason I've been itchy for the last two weeks is because I'm now allergic to chlorine. I'm also a swimming instructor. FML

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By TheThirdWheel - 23/4/2018 05:00

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 2 years and my best friend of 10 years making out in my bedroom. I stared and when they noticed me, my boyfriend didn’t even bat an eye and suggested we have a threesome. My best friend immediately agreed. FML

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By Username - 27/6/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

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By max - 7/2/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

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By -___- - 29/9/2013 19:46 - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By Broc'n dreams - 6/2/2017 16:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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Top comments

By nonnieluv | 9

#4576338 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:14

Wow I would just not invite her if she was going to be such a bitch

By boofgall | 16

#4576367 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:16

You should say, "I don't know, do you plan on being a slut this time?"

COMMENTS

By boofgall | 16

#4576321 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:14

You should ask, "I don't know, do you plan on being a slut this time?"

By nonnieluv | 9

#4576338 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:14

Wow I would just not invite her if she was going to be such a bitch

Reply

Sing_Along | 7

#4576430 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:21

That's simple. Ask her if she is sleeping with your fiancé this time.

Reply

TarieBoo | 2

#4576588 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:04

what i dont get is whyy the fuck the sister would help pay all this money on the first wedding and then screw it up by fucking the groom?

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4576596 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:04

Til bitch do us part.

Reply

22cute | 17

#4576623 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#4577011 - Sunday 17 June 2012 5:12

Somehow, I originally read 'mom' instead of 'sister'. That was... Different.

Reply

garrr | 0

#4577296 - Sunday 17 June 2012 7:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#4577745 - Sunday 17 June 2012 9:14

2 - That plus the original poster should have said, "I'm really going marry him if you really don't fuck him." I'm blunt, therefore, I say it as I see it.

Reply

sunalorelei | 5

#4577786 - Sunday 17 June 2012 9:34

I love how many thumb ups this has.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#4581342 - Monday 18 June 2012 7:53

OP: I'm in Alberta too. Hook me with your slutty sister and I'll make sure she stays outta trouble. ;)

Reply

ReesieBanana21 | 12

#4581365 - Monday 18 June 2012 7:58

What a dickk!!!

Reply

KaylaDawnn | 5

#4611107 - Monday 25 June 2012 7:30

Some family you got there.

Reply

JackFaire | 27

#5771700 - Friday 29 November 2013 2:45

Most likely because she probably afterwards was shocked at the OP not marrying him after she slept with him. To the OP tell her "No because your slutty ass ain't invited."

By Livelife121 | 30

#4576340 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:14

Why are you inviting her to your wedding?

Reply

pandabear55 | 0

#4577038 - Sunday 17 June 2012 5:18

I will answer with a rhyme:
Family is family and although they may suck,
You must invite them to your wedding

Reply

missalkali | 8

#4577058 - Sunday 17 June 2012 5:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

chemchic | 7

#4577094 - Sunday 17 June 2012 5:34

^^ Sarcasm- you don't get it

Reply

joeytheman | 10

#4577201 - Sunday 17 June 2012 6:27

Why are you still talking to her? If that happened before I'd bet you would hate her more than anyone else

Reply

kirasant | 19

#4577395 - Sunday 17 June 2012 7:58

I agree. Don't invite her. Problem solved.

Reply

AssassinsCRB | 0

#4581290 - Monday 18 June 2012 7:26

Because she's paying for it, pretty lame that OP would take that jackasses money though.

By DomDomxoxo | 16

#4576342 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:15

What a bitch, don't invite her to your marriage!

Reply

bmkc4 | 1

#4576561 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:58

True. Well, at least she found out what a tool bag he was before she married him.

Reply

hahasooo | 2

#4580009 - Monday 18 June 2012 0:29

3 postings in a row talking about not inviting the sister.. we get it!

Reply

DomDomxoxo | 16

#4582307 - Monday 18 June 2012 14:17

139: Do me a favor and look at what time the past 3 comments were posted. Then you'll realize how stupid your unnecessary comment was.

By Ajwc101 | 24

#4576344 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:15

Well that was mean of her.

Reply

SloppyFlamingo | 4

#4576403 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:19

Hey, your "tung" is blue.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4576631 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:11

Really? You think so?

Reply

Gtroll | 4

#4576659 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:23

Yeah I think so.

Reply

RedmontFief | 7

#4576950 - Sunday 17 June 2012 4:49

Hey Gtroll what do those words in red on your photo say? "I hate when voldemort.....without asking" is what I got.

Reply

Almighty_Chris97 | 6

#4576966 - Sunday 17 June 2012 4:58

It's "I hate when Voldemort uses my shower gel without asking", because you know he has no hair. Pretty funny eh?

By sinner92 | 4

#4576350 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:15

That's so fucked up its not even funny. Man my sister would never do that to me or vice versa. What a crappy sister you have and I think she needs to get her ass kicked. Tell mom on her!

Reply

nocomment1 | 3

#4576524 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:47

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Lichinamo | 33

#4576672 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:28

^My money's on him being the ex fiancé

Reply

iliketurdles | 7

#4576769 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:56

And that's probably OP's sister behind him.

Reply

lindora | 35

#4578441 - Sunday 17 June 2012 16:24

Is it awful that after reading this fml, I'm glad I don't have a sister which would make this kinda thing possible?

I mean, I have 3 brothers and I just could not imagine a sibling doing this to me.

Reply

jmayes414 | 5

#4579302 - Sunday 17 June 2012 20:52

Don't worry 122, it's not like this is typical or anything lol.

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#4576361 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:16

You shouldn't invite her to your wedding. She's clearly scum.

Reply

shadexilmaendu | 4

#4576666 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:27

I don't know if you've seen the my little pony parodies on YouTube (look up shed.mov) but I read all your comments in parody fluttershys voice.

Reply

cheetahbaby96 | 8

#4576822 - Sunday 17 June 2012 4:09

She clearly likescum.

Oh sorry, autocorrect.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4579582 - Sunday 17 June 2012 22:24

Hey hey hey, stay outta my shed!

By boofgall | 16

#4576367 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:16

You should say, "I don't know, do you plan on being a slut this time?"

Reply

someone_cool | 6

#4578091 - Sunday 17 June 2012 13:52

I want to thumb you up like a million times. Shame that I can't.

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5933979 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:21

You already posted this comment.

By Feared | 9

#4576369 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Hockeyboy4280 | 18

#4576405 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:19

I think the sister should be trying to get on OP's good side... not the other way around

Reply

Feared | 9

#4576412 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:20

Good point. Definitely read this wrong :S

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4576418 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:20

...what's that supposed to mean!?

Naw I'm kidding.
You should pick a different food choice though.

Reply

Hockeyboy4280 | 18

#4576433 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:21

15- no worries, happens to me all the time :)

Reply

TarieBoo | 2

#4576571 - Sunday 17 June 2012 3:01

but it is true.....bitches love some watermelon[:

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4577118 - Sunday 17 June 2012 5:43

..congrats. You're not a bitch :D

By PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#4576370 - Sunday 17 June 2012 2:17

What she should be asking is if the new fiancé is good enough to sleep with...

FYL OP for having a bitch of a sister...

Reply

oppawoppa | 9

#4578306 - Sunday 17 June 2012 15:27

Your picture never fails to give me a heart attack. ?