Today, my roommate asked me to lock the door as we left our place....

By me - Bulgaria

Today, my roommate asked me to lock the door as we left our place. I told her to use my keys, because my hands were full. Afterwards, she and her boyfriend set off out of town for the next couple of days. She forgot to give me back my keys. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

The opposite of a good idea

Vibe check

By KDM - Australia

Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML

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By ThatGuy24

Booming economy!

Today, it's my birthday and it would be a great day if me and my wife weren’t literally too poor to celebrate it. To make it even better, she won’t have birthday sex with me, because we live with her mom and she’s afraid of her hearing us. FML

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By Nudge23 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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27714

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

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8180

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By calli - United Kingdom

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

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31372

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By Tweenmom

Today, my tween daughter found an exciting new book series to replace her two-year obsession with Harry Potter. Hello, Team Jacob. FML

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4642

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523

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By academicloser - United States

Today, in an attempt to get some guidance from my college advisor, I emailed her, saying I was contemplating going to another school because I felt so helpless about my GPA, and was sure I wouldn't get my major. I asked for advice on raising it. She gave me instructions on how to drop out. FML

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28257

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By spriggs - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

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15807

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By son - Israel

Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML

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27133

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

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37170

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By fufu_mutt - United States

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

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By Muralove - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

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By erdot - Romania - Bucuresti

Today, after 7 years of writing my PhD thesis, I found a book containing all the exact findings I've spent arduous hours, nay, years discovering. My tutoring professor somehow forgot to mention I was discovering sealing wax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1835

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By RadioactiveKush - United States - Monroe

Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream "YEAH" "WOO HOO" and "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing Amazing Grace in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

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33967

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By ID10t - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

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7789

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By Anonymous - Tanzania United Republic of

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

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8778

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML

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13202

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

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15690

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By obviously not the favorite

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

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5522

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By Anonymous

Today, I had breakfast at a hotel in Jamaica. The bill came to $1087 Jamaican Dollars, which is roughly $8.30 USD. When they swiped my Visa card, the hotel accidentally charged me $1087 USD. That's the most expensive omelet I've had in my life. FML

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2062

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By 3yrneveragainn

Today, I figured out why the man I've been seeing for 3 years hasn't asked for my hand in marriage. His current wife called me and told me all about it. FML

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36949

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By fencernick - United States

Today, I was eating a hamburger on the street when a pigeon came down to take a bite. I ran and got 30 birds or so chasing me. My legs were burning, half of my burger was gone, and an entire office building was laughing at me. FML

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By Distrusting

Today, I have gastro. I sent a text my husband: “It’s definitely a don’t trust a fart day, thankfully haven’t been caught out yet”, but accidentally text my manager instead. FML

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2175

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By unknown

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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33507

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By Shrek's Pubes

Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. FML

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1384

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By chinchilla4404 - United States

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

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25103

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By Foot In Mouth - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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11221

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By Oliveisthenewora - United States - Dearborn

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes, I tried washing it off, but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess who's going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa. FML

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18173

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By hoo flung pu - United States

Today, my dog figured out she can wipe her butthole on my walls after having squeezed out a turd or two. FML

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43159

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By fack - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

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22569

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By ke - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

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7820

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

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41587

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By Anonymous - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

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32101

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By sari14 - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

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27069

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By lukey_G - United States

Today, my girlfriend was driving me to her house against my will when I said, "Sometimes it's annoying that you always decide where we go because you drive." She replied, "Yeah, I wish I could be more of the girl in this relationship." FML

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14546

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By friendless - United States - Spokane

#rude

Today, I invited my only friend to my birthday party and she said no, not because she couldn’t go, but because she didn’t want to. FML

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4720

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at the hospital and was sent home attached to an obnoxious and somewhat painful heart monitor. I felt fine and decided to go to a bonfire with a few friends. I thought everyone was being nice until I overheard the guys referring to me as an unattractive xbox. FML

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31167

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By shelbylove115 - United States - Nevada City

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

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14570

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By anabolic - United States

Today, my boss said he was giving me a significant raise. After he requested the payroll department to raise my salary they informed him he needed to fill out a one-sheet form. He took my raise away because he didn't want to fill out that sheet. FML

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69572

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By oopsydaddy

Today, my dad asked my help with a computer problem. Whenever he logged on Facebook, every single advertisement appeared to be hardcore porn. I had to awkwardly explain that these ads are based on his browsing habits. FML

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2669

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1868842 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:36

Go hunt them down to retrieve your keys. They might reward your tenacity with a threesome.

By grandpaearthling | 2

#1868815 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:31

bet now you are wishing you'd put down the sex doll and helped your roommate. now you and blow up barbie are stuck all alone for two days without keys. guess your plan worked out in the end. sweet deal

COMMENTS

By Obliviousair | 0

#1868634 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:11

Get new friends D:

xGUMMYBEARSx | 0

#1869150 - Monday 20 December 2010 10:44

don't tell me what to do!!!! D:

gooBUZZ | 0

#1869645 - Monday 20 December 2010 13:14

Don't tell me what to do either! D:

DishHeads | 9

#1869965 - Monday 20 December 2010 14:39

don't tell them what to do !!!! though you can tell me

PuppiesFTW | 5

#1871522 - Monday 20 December 2010 22:44

Don't tell them what to do, except for DishHeads, and don't tell me what to do and what not to do.D:

ShadowSneaker360 | 16

#5829812 - Friday 17 January 2014 13:14

You get new friends!! xD

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1868639 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:11

Wellsleeeponthestreet

brennboo | 3

#1868675 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:14

whyarewetalkinglikethis?iguessthespacebarranaway:(

mathew17986g | 2

#1868764 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:25

ummm did your space bar break?

hiddydiddy | 0

#1868774 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:26

nah actually on my iphone the lowest line is broken, so signs and space take a lot of time
also its funniertotalklikethis:)

By paigeykkins | 0

#1868641 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:11

time to head back to your moms! :D

By alaaloo_fml_fml | 0

#1868651 - Monday 20 December 2010 9:12

Ummm call the landlord?

alaaloo_fml_fml | 0

#1869008 - Monday 20 December 2010 10:01

Ohmygosh, I know :D I am pretty sure OP hadn't thought of that!

DocBastard | 38

#1869756 - Monday 20 December 2010 13:43

Right. I'm pretty sure OP ran around flailing her arms and screaming like a banshee until she resorted to pounding on the door until her knuckles bled and her hands fell off, finally resigning to living out the rest of her days as a handless prostitute who could not even give a handjob.

Or, she probably did think of calling the landlord. Whatever.