Intimacy: Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but... - FML

By Anonymous - 07/02/2015 02:32 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Spicy

Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but he went soft as soon as he entered me. This happens every time we try. I feel cursed by my year-long dry spell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 715

You deserved it 4 505

Stop talking!

Mother of the year

Late term

By Anonymous - 04/06/2018 20:30

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 658

You deserved it 363

Snitched

By sixxie - 29/01/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I went in to work and was handed a write-up for having lied about being sick in order to leave early yesterday. Apparently, a co-worker saw me leave the parking lot, then immediately pull into the shopping center next door. I was going to Walgreens for cold medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 990

You deserved it 2 291

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 04:25 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 002

You deserved it 27 034

By Anonymous - 16/01/2017 17:07

Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 104

You deserved it 675

By Thomas - 20/09/2010 07:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on my way home on an airplane. The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. It was a 2 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 120

You deserved it 3 424

By ApparentlyBadDriver - 25/06/2015 10:10 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I got into a fight with my parents when they called me a bad driver. Imagine their smugness when I had to call them two hours later and tell them that I drove into a pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 690

You deserved it 24 733

By cincity - 20/07/2018 15:00

Today, my fiancé forgot his wallet. He realized this once we were 5 hours away from home, before checking into a hotel, that had reservations under his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 405

You deserved it 317

By hairyarms - 10/10/2010 12:47 - Australia

Today, I found out why you don't let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 256

You deserved it 5 662

Words, don't come easy

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 470

You deserved it 242

By tooembarassed - 03/02/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 476

You deserved it 3 586

By Zanquis - 30/12/2016 19:04

Today, I got stuck with a water damaged kitchen. The manufactor says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 093

You deserved it 198

Asshole

By Anonymous - 21/06/2013 20:38 - Netherlands - Mierlo

Today, my drunk dad decided to wake me up by lobbing our cat directly into my now-mauled face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 079

You deserved it 3 223

Neighbours from hell

By Anonymous - 01/05/2012 19:51 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 998

You deserved it 1 994

By pheonixxe - 01/06/2015 22:45 - United States - Sheridan

Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that if they dug a hole deep enough in the backyard, they'd find China. What they really found was the previous owner's dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 861

You deserved it 8 220

By InNeedOfFriends - 12/04/2013 00:00 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 374

You deserved it 19 716

Where did you guys come from?

By Brad - 04/07/2021 21:59 - United States

Today, I woke up to find two pitbulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 57

Private everything, always!

By Unemployed - 31/08/2021 16:01

Today, I received an e-mail telling me the job offer I got last week was rescinded. Apparently, the memes I share on my Instagram page are "tasteless" and don’t fit the company’s values. I forgot my profile is public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320

You deserved it 1 655

By ac32 - 11/04/2011 16:05 - Canada

Today, I bought myself a brand-new 52" flatscreen. It was only in my house for 2 hours before my toddler had a tantrum, threw a toy right into the screen and wrecked it beyond repair. I paid to have a nice TV for 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 253

You deserved it 9 658

By elo - 20/12/2008 05:50 - France

Today, I woke up beside a disgusting guy I didn't know. He told me he was the best friend of the handsome guy I was hitting on yesterday evening. I can't remember at which point I got mislead into bringing the wrong one home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 889

You deserved it 32 308

By Byebye - 24/05/2012 19:30 - Netherlands - Sappemeer

Today, the mailman delivered my new phone to my neighbour's house. This was okay, because he left a note in my mailbox informing me so. Now my crazy neighbour won't give me the package because, "*I* signed for it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 140

You deserved it 1 809

Optimism

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 62

By Anonymous - 21/04/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about names for our expectant child. I told him since I named our daughter he could name our son. He's decided on a name from 'God of War'. My son is going to be named after a make-believe cartoon character - Kratos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 464

You deserved it 31 907

By Jessey - 18/06/2009 13:05 - United Kingdom

Today, we were having a school prize giving. I heard my name called and I walked up to the stage waving and smiling, feeling rather proud of myself. I stood by the microphone and started my acceptance speech, only to be tapped on the shoulder by the girl they actually called up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 749

You deserved it 47 762

Close enough

By Anonymous - 02/06/2020 08:00

Today, I finished writing a 60-page essay on the history and people of Australia. Turns out it's supposed to be on Austria. It's due this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 169

You deserved it 1 400

By erika - 28/07/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 818

You deserved it 46 852

You tried

By Loveless - 10/09/2009 06:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 993

You deserved it 5 652

Entitled

By hate this job - 09/06/2021 19:59

Today, a 300 lb woman caused a huge scene at the public pool where I work. She accused me of fatshaming and swore to sue me for discrimination. I asked her to cover up, as her 3x too small string bikini went against the pool’s dress code. I don’t make the rules, I just have to enforce them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 05:21 - Canada

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 723

You deserved it 4 141

By holy sleet - 29/11/2013 21:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 743

You deserved it 41 672

By Blood on my hands - 07/08/2013 05:40 - United States

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 092

You deserved it 25 680

Feeders

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 23:01

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me, after he intentionally made me fat so that I wouldn't leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 870

Shaving!

By John Doe - 07/01/2020 05:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 440

By Busted - 26/07/2010 12:26 - South Africa

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 270

You deserved it 4 862

By Knottywoman - 03/09/2017 23:15

Today, I dreamt my fiancé was rolling frozen potatoes onto my bed to wake me up. In reality I woke up screaming to intense cramps in my legs which almost reduced me to tears. I could barely walk for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 154

You deserved it 226

Psychopath's joke

By hannieannie - 20/11/2019 01:00

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 885

You deserved it 227

By lukey_G - 20/03/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was driving me to her house against my will when I said, "Sometimes it's annoying that you always decide where we go because you drive." She replied, "Yeah, I wish I could be more of the girl in this relationship." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 561

You deserved it 81 106

By Anonymous - 10/09/2012 14:14 - United States - Puyallup

Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 705

You deserved it 2 445

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 335

You deserved it 4 605

By Anonymous - 04/12/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 460

You deserved it 1 426

By twatstick - 21/08/2013 17:30 - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 680

You deserved it 3 351

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:31

Sounds like the big man upstairs doesn't want you to do that.

VeganDarkLight 31

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:39

I know that feeling, was the same with my Ex. After a few weeks of trying, he finally told me he was still a virgin and scared of his first time (even though he really wanted to, I didn't pressure him or anything). A few nights later it suddenly worked =) Might be a similar problem with your bf, just don't pressure him or think it's your fault.

Comments

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:34

Morgan Freeman?

PerfectDarkTails 8

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Saturday 7 February 2015 23:32

Rise and shine, Mister Freeman. Rise and... shine. let's just say your hour hasn't... cum again.

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Sunday 8 February 2015 1:43

Wrong Freeman, #55.

doctorhook86 24

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Sunday 8 February 2015 6:18

#59: It's Morgan's younger brother, Gordon Freeman. He's one of those geeky physics types. Also, he's adopted.

Stephencharis 14

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Sunday 8 February 2015 7:20

pardon my ignorance, what does she mean by the 'year long dry spell'...

martin_dustinc 8

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Sunday 8 February 2015 8:39

She hasn't had sex in a year, #80.

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:31

At least you are keeping it tight

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Saturday 7 February 2015 21:01

Maybe he's just shy, keep at it and try lube maybe

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Sunday 8 February 2015 2:34

A vagina doesn't become loose just from having sex. Do your research :P. If that was the case I'd feel so sorry for women who have given birth. (Seeing as a baby is much larger than a penis..hopefully at least)

xbread 19

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Sunday 8 February 2015 4:26

????

xbread 19

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Sunday 8 February 2015 4:28

LMFAO

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Sunday 8 February 2015 4:47

Lol 63...nice try. yeah a woman's snatch definitely doesn't loosen up after delivery...yeah keep telling yourself that sweetheart

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Sunday 8 February 2015 9:00

@63 He didn't even state that a vagina got loose from sex, lol.

i_needa_username 17

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:31

That sucks

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:33

Good advice. Try that, OP, if you haven't already.

LowExpectations 30

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Saturday 7 February 2015 21:59

#3 fumbles the ball but #6 comes in with the fast recovery!(Crowd roars with cheers).

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:31

Don't give up OP!

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:45

It's hard ...and it's gone...

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Saturday 7 February 2015 23:09

#4 is right! I've had a lot of friends who had this problem with boyfriends and there are soo many reasons it can happen that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:32

Put it in a splint?

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:42

Do you know how penises work?

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:48

Of course I do. You tie it tightly between two sticks, place it gently inside a vagina, sit very still and wait patiently for five minutes, and then it releases magic tadpoles when the man pees out of it into the woman's belly. Then, nine months later, the baby comes out of the woman's belly button.

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:51

Jesus fuck that comment made me choke on my water

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Saturday 7 February 2015 21:58

great description lol

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Sunday 8 February 2015 1:46

#20 proves that the sex ed in schools are pure propaganda, that's the real truth right there.

wizardcorn04 14

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Sunday 8 February 2015 19:02

i think thats called viagra

SpittinThisShit 8

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:34

Ask him if he's gay or a pedophile... If pussy makes you soft something really wrong with you.

lukeluke2112 14

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:34

N

SweetasCandy0609 28

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:39

It sounds like it might be a medical problem he should go see a doctor they have medication for that.

VeganDarkLight 31

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Saturday 7 February 2015 19:39

I know that feeling, was the same with my Ex. After a few weeks of trying, he finally told me he was still a virgin and scared of his first time (even though he really wanted to, I didn't pressure him or anything). A few nights later it suddenly worked =) Might be a similar problem with your bf, just don't pressure him or think it's your fault.

Send a private message

Saturday 7 February 2015 19:40

One word..... Viagra

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Saturday 7 February 2015 20:31

It's the pecker picker upper!

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Saturday 7 February 2015 20:42

Giggity.

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Sunday 8 February 2015 4:37

Two words: he's gay.

twitchywaffles 26

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Friday 20 March 2015 22:10

Viagra is like caps lock for your penis.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 70