Health: Today, two days after leaving hospital with a broken left leg,... - FML

By fucking har har, dad - Australia

Today, two days after leaving hospital with a broken left leg, I tripped and fell heavily on the floor. My dad quickly asked if I'd broken my other leg. When I reassured him that I hadn't, he disappointedly muttered that it would've been a hilarious story to tell his friends at work. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

The smell detective is on the case

The other stage of grief

By SwingingChili

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, one of my idiot co-workers thought it'd be hilarious to "fix" my car while I was working. Now every time I step on the brake pedal, the horn goes off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my son with my husband while I went to the store. Ten minutes later, my dog was missing a large patch of fur, and neither of them can stop laughing. FML

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By someoneneedsassistance - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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By Lisaaa - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I moved back into my room, which I'd sublet for a few months. The subtenant never paid any rent and is gone, but she did leave me something: my own underwear on the floor, which she apparently liked to wear, but didn't seem to like to wash. FML

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By Butqhy

Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML

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By conductingfromthegrave - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By depressedkiwi - 15/7/2020 08:01

Weight watcher

Today, I found out my mother-in-law is trying to force me to lose weight, even though I am trying, and have a medical condition. FML

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By Nate - 21/12/2020 11:02

Born to run

Today, I can’t divorce my lazy, unemployed, shopping-addicted, cheating wife because her father is one of the best, sleaziest, underhanded divorce lawyers in our city. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Townsend

Today, my 27 year old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

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By veethebee

Today, I parked in the parking lot at work feeling like I had to sneeze. As I was walking in, the sneeze finally came. Apparently, my nose was bleeding so when I sneezed, blood got all over the floor and my brand new work clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

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By Shoofly - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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By The Christmas Grinch - Canada

Today, I woke up to my yard covered in snow, Christmas music playing loudly, and my noisy, obnoxious aunt and her three year old twin daughters playing and screaming. They're going to be living with us until after the winter holidays. It's only November 18th. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom drove me to football practice. On the way she told me that she thought I was gay and that my friend was my lover. After 15 agonizing minutes of this, we get to my practice only to be greeted by my shirtless friend wearing a pink bandana saying "Man, you hit me hard last night." FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Pinetown

Today, my sister's kitten walked away from his litter box, jumped onto the table, looked me dead in the eyes, then peed directly onto my laptop. FML

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By Ihatebuses

Today, while getting on a city bus, I sat down on a urine-soaked seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By owned - Singapore

Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML

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By blk8764 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

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By Newly Minted Canuck

Today, my daughter found a hair baked into the crust of her pizza. Grossed out, she put it down the garbage disposal, but I told her to dig it out so we could get a refund. After dinner, she came looking for the saved pizza crust. I was baffled about where it was until I realized I'd eaten it. FML

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By Betterthanthis - United States - New Berlin

Subtle differences

Today, when my boss said, "Don't worry, I know all the requirements," she actually meant, "I know nothing, and will scream at you in rage because you cannot psychically divine all the requirements the day before a major holiday when no one is available to talk to you." FML

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By UhOh - United States

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

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By cat_lady

Follow the yellow brown road

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

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By BohGlam

Today, my boss reprimanded me for my lack of media communications skills. It would be more understandable if I weren't a janitor. FML

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By nancie

Today, while I was at work, my husband threw out 50 out of my 70 T-shirts, all of my tank tops, and all but one of my sweaters. I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. FML

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By notkatvond - United States

Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

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By Widowmaker - United States - Henderson

Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML

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By CasaDeLoser - United States - Kent

Today, my kid made a new friend at school. When I asked her to describe her new friend, she said, "She looks kinda like you, only pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

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By fuck me - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my dad is forcing me to go shopping with him tomorrow for Black Friday, because he's convinced that my martial arts classes will come in handy when people "inevitably" try to beat the shit out of us in the rush for cheap stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was participating in an exercise in my psychology class to describe this horrible looking person I had never seen before and I described the person as a "rebellious, drug dealing, lowlife". The person in that picture turned out to be my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Puyallup

Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML

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By downgirl - United States - Norman

Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

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By fEk - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Garland

Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML

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By kay - United States

Today, I received an e-mail from my stepmom. It was a picture of a boy that she said she thought I might like to know. Next to the picture was the message "he comes from a good military background". My love life is so pathetic that my stepmother feels the need to try and set me up. FML

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Top comments

By daliagrande | 17

#5010392 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:41

At least you didn't break your other leg.

By gibby1235 | 6

#5010402 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

Your dad was most likely just playing don't take it to heart. Be thankful you didn't break anything.

COMMENTS

By daliagrande | 17

#5010392 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:41

At least you didn't break your other leg.

Reply

DrDilllonReese | 12

#5010407 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

Just go exile yourself

Reply

Dixbfloppin | 11

#5010432 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:46

Yeah, that was already mentioned in the FML, #1.

Reply

astoryofroses | 9

#5010446 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:48

wow, what kind of father says that?

Reply

GypsyRover | 0

#5010519 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:58

I would have broken my good leg off in his ass! At least that's what I would be thinking. Not everything I think comes out my mouth.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010529 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:59

5- You need to relax a little bit. Take a deep breath, and find your happy place. We'll get through this together.

Reply

Zebro_fml | 6

#5015436 - Sunday 7 October 2012 19:58

Funny dads

By asfan2081 | 2

#5010396 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

am i the only one who pees on the side of the toilet seat to make less noise?

By gibby1235 | 6

#5010402 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

Your dad was most likely just playing don't take it to heart. Be thankful you didn't break anything.

Reply

chell1894 | 13

#5011495 - Saturday 6 October 2012 14:21

I mean, it would have been a funny story.

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#6226914 - Monday 9 March 2015 20:33

Yeah it was a just a joke chill out

By thethatoneguy_21 | 4

#5010404 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

Adds a whole new meaning to break a leg

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#5010418 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:44

How exactly does it do that?

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010500 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:55

8- I believe they were referring to the good luck gesture for performers, when people tell them to "break a leg". Though it would be more significant if OP was a performer who broke their leg on stage... but I get what they're saying.

Reply

deBlobX | 12

#5010768 - Saturday 6 October 2012 7:02

いいえ

By daliagrande | 17

#5010411 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:43

I'm pretty sure he was joking around.

By bluepenguins | 0

#5010413 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:43

Your dads a inconsiderate asshole..

Reply

NashyzzleTheN | 10

#5010479 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:52

I wouldn't call him that for one little thing he said..

Reply

ihasbrains | 10

#5010668 - Saturday 6 October 2012 6:36

An*

Hehe.

Reply

starbursty | 0

#5010785 - Saturday 6 October 2012 7:07

Your an asshole for saying that

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#5010987 - Saturday 6 October 2012 8:52

49 *You're
Sorry :/

Reply

chatoyant_fml | 12

#5011132 - Saturday 6 October 2012 10:57

Funny you can call him out on just a text. He probably just joked.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5013848 - Sunday 7 October 2012 4:48

dad's*

Idiota.

By Tdrizzzzzly | 19

#5010421 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:45

Hell, it's a story your grand kids could have laughed about!

By kvdfan | 7

#5010423 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:45

Trip the jerk so YOU can have a hilarious story for your friends. "How you like me now!"

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010511 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:57

Damnit. Thanks to your comment, that country song "How Do You Like Me Now" is stuck in my head.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010659 - Saturday 6 October 2012 6:28

Obviously the only remaining option is to hold a country-themed FML Karaoke event.

Does anyone have a cowbell?

Reply

DerrickJames | 33

#5010800 - Saturday 6 October 2012 7:10

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010945 - Saturday 6 October 2012 8:32

52- BUT cowbell makes everything better. ;)

Reply

kittenvks | 11

#5011035 - Saturday 6 October 2012 9:27

It definitely needs more cowbell

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5011274 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:24

*hands kyleekay a cowbell*

Reply

MarkEternal02 | 19

#5011427 - Saturday 6 October 2012 13:50

Christopher Walken reference there, 71?

By abrons | 0

#5010424 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:45

Well that would be a good story... But yes fyl

Reply

graffitied_love | 20

#5010933 - Saturday 6 October 2012 8:21

Because he made that comment OP has a good enough story to be posted on FML. Its not all bad :)

By MURIKKA | 11

#5010426 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:46

Hit him in the head and ask him if he lost his other brain cell.

Reply

TheOath | 12

#5012173 - Saturday 6 October 2012 18:02

Hit and run. Erm.. In your case, hit and limp?