Today, two days after leaving hospital with a broken left leg,... - FML

By fucking har har, dad - 5/10/2012 23:38 - Australia

Today, two days after leaving hospital with a broken left leg, I tripped and fell heavily on the floor. My dad quickly asked if I'd broken my other leg. When I reassured him that I hadn't, he disappointedly muttered that it would've been a hilarious story to tell his friends at work. FML

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Serious times

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Trip Advisor says no

By sucky sucky - 7/7/2020 14:01

Oh, hai Mark

Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML

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By Master Debater - 1/2/2013 11:05 - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

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By TakenAdvantageOf - 15/9/2017 04:30

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

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By Screwed - 26/5/2009 07:48 - South Africa

Today, I was looking online for an alternative number for the interior decorator that is making curtains for me because I couldn't get hold of him. Instead of his number I found a website warning people about him, saying he is a conman. I paid a very big deposit. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

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By JustShutUp - 27/7/2016 18:40

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

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By fruitoftheloom - 9/3/2015 05:13 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

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By asdffhhjk - 15/5/2013 08:08 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I saw a coin on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, some dude came up from behind, grabbed my waist and humped me three times. He ran away before I could get a good look at his face. FML

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By noway - 3/1/2014 11:03 - France - Cholet

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

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By anidiotskeeper - 12/7/2012 06:03 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house and caught her digging for gold. She wasn't picking her nose - she was literally trying to dig for gold in her backyard. FML

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By Plush - 13/1/2009 16:43 - France

Today, a work colleague announced that she is organising a bit of a party. She says, in front of everyone, that I'm not invited to "avoid ruining the vibe". FML

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By >{%£•¥ - 27/11/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, right before my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, he touched his butt and says, "Oh I have a butt pimple." He then went and popped it. FML

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By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - 9/4/2020 02:00 - United States

Parent #1 of the Year

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

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By dab1230 - 7/2/2013 00:26 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:47 - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2011 05:18 - Australia

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 03:54 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my 19 year old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 17:28 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I woke up with horrible pain in my gut. It got worse and worse, and I started vomiting from the pain. My mom said it was flu and that I needed to "man up." It turned out to be appendicitis, and I'm now typing this from my hospital bed. FML

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By not_very_smart - 24/7/2013 06:44 - United States

Today, it was so hot in the un-airconditioned gym that when I got up off the floor, I slipped in my own pool of sweat and got a concussion. FML

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By NickC - 29/11/2009 00:40 - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2016 12:37 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

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By oh gee - 2/5/2016 05:01

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

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By My Life Is Just PERFECT - 30/3/2013 15:29 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 06:05

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

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By waitthatsnotme - 15/8/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, after dating my girlfriend for about a month she decided to change her Facebook status to taken. When I saw the update I immediately clicked "Like." Then I looked up and saw I wasn't the person she had put herself in the relationship with. FML

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By mmvv - 8/2/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend occasionally wets the bed. He's 25 and we're moving in together next month. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2011 04:38 - Australia

Today, I went to the doctor for a sore throat. The doctor wasn't wearing any shoes. He said that he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and that it's 'all about vitamins', and he gave me a flyer for a vitamin mail order company. Then he showed me photos of his holidays. FML

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By baby shak - 14/1/2012 07:51 - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

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By KrissyBearr - 31/12/2011 01:36 - United States

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I love him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

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By bee - 23/12/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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By PrincessOhNo - 12/12/2016 06:10 - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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By #[email protected] - 27/12/2018 16:00

Today, the guy I've fallen for and have been dating on and off for 2 years told me that he kept contacting me to re-connect because he missed hanging out with me, but didn't actually have any feelings for me. I already paid for a non-refundable weekend away as his Christmas present for us both. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 13:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 10:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take "precautions", right in the middle of a packed bus station. I'm 21. FML

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By writer4life - 17/1/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

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By HWS - 15/4/2011 05:47 - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

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By Renzy - 12/12/2012 18:32

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

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By squizzlebee - 24/2/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I discovered that my husband is a tad paranoid after finding out that our cat has worms. He and I were in the middle of sharing a romantic shower following something of a dry spell when he bent over, spread his cheeks apart and asked, in earnest, "is there a worm sticking out of my ass?" FML

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Top comments

By daliagrande | 17

#5010392 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:41

At least you didn't break your other leg.

By gibby1235 | 6

#5010402 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

Your dad was most likely just playing don't take it to heart. Be thankful you didn't break anything.

COMMENTS

By daliagrande | 17

#5010392 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:41

At least you didn't break your other leg.

Reply

DrDilllonReese | 12

#5010407 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

Just go exile yourself

Reply

Dixbfloppin | 11

#5010432 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:46

Yeah, that was already mentioned in the FML, #1.

Reply

astoryofroses | 9

#5010446 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:48

wow, what kind of father says that?

Reply

GypsyRover | 0

#5010519 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:58

I would have broken my good leg off in his ass! At least that's what I would be thinking. Not everything I think comes out my mouth.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010529 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:59

5- You need to relax a little bit. Take a deep breath, and find your happy place. We'll get through this together.

Reply

Zebro_fml | 6

#5015436 - Sunday 7 October 2012 19:58

Funny dads

By asfan2081 | 2

#5010396 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

am i the only one who pees on the side of the toilet seat to make less noise?

By gibby1235 | 6

#5010402 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

Your dad was most likely just playing don't take it to heart. Be thankful you didn't break anything.

Reply

chell1894 | 13

#5011495 - Saturday 6 October 2012 14:21

I mean, it would have been a funny story.

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#6226914 - Monday 9 March 2015 20:33

Yeah it was a just a joke chill out

By thethatoneguy_21 | 4

#5010404 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:42

Adds a whole new meaning to break a leg

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#5010418 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:44

How exactly does it do that?

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010500 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:55

8- I believe they were referring to the good luck gesture for performers, when people tell them to "break a leg". Though it would be more significant if OP was a performer who broke their leg on stage... but I get what they're saying.

Reply

deBlobX | 12

#5010768 - Saturday 6 October 2012 7:02

いいえ

By daliagrande | 17

#5010411 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:43

I'm pretty sure he was joking around.

By bluepenguins | 0

#5010413 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:43

Your dads a inconsiderate asshole..

Reply

NashyzzleTheN | 10

#5010479 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:52

I wouldn't call him that for one little thing he said..

Reply

ihasbrains | 10

#5010668 - Saturday 6 October 2012 6:36

An*

Hehe.

Reply

starbursty | 0

#5010785 - Saturday 6 October 2012 7:07

Your an asshole for saying that

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#5010987 - Saturday 6 October 2012 8:52

49 *You're
Sorry :/

Reply

chatoyant_fml | 12

#5011132 - Saturday 6 October 2012 10:57

Funny you can call him out on just a text. He probably just joked.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5013848 - Sunday 7 October 2012 4:48

dad's*

Idiota.

By Tdrizzzzzly | 19

#5010421 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:45

Hell, it's a story your grand kids could have laughed about!

By kvdfan | 7

#5010423 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:45

Trip the jerk so YOU can have a hilarious story for your friends. "How you like me now!"

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010511 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:57

Damnit. Thanks to your comment, that country song "How Do You Like Me Now" is stuck in my head.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010659 - Saturday 6 October 2012 6:28

Obviously the only remaining option is to hold a country-themed FML Karaoke event.

Does anyone have a cowbell?

Reply

DerrickJames | 33

#5010800 - Saturday 6 October 2012 7:10

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5010945 - Saturday 6 October 2012 8:32

52- BUT cowbell makes everything better. ;)

Reply

kittenvks | 11

#5011035 - Saturday 6 October 2012 9:27

It definitely needs more cowbell

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5011274 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:24

*hands kyleekay a cowbell*

Reply

MarkEternal02 | 19

#5011427 - Saturday 6 October 2012 13:50

Christopher Walken reference there, 71?

By abrons | 0

#5010424 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:45

Well that would be a good story... But yes fyl

Reply

graffitied_love | 20

#5010933 - Saturday 6 October 2012 8:21

Because he made that comment OP has a good enough story to be posted on FML. Its not all bad :)

By MURIKKA | 11

#5010426 - Saturday 6 October 2012 5:46

Hit him in the head and ask him if he lost his other brain cell.

Reply

TheOath | 12

#5012173 - Saturday 6 October 2012 18:02

Hit and run. Erm.. In your case, hit and limp?