Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together.... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/11/2011 11:17 - Canada

Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together. My mother was joking that she wasn't sure she could hold him down, as he used to "get around." She turned to talk to the waiter and my future step-father looked me up and down and winked. FML

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Banished

In my day…

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 02:45 - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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By Off to Canada - 16/3/2016 07:48 - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

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By Anonyme - 26/6/2015 00:40 - France - G?anges

Today, our 8-month-old son had a big cold and his nose was blocked. I couldn't find the baby nose pump in it's usual place, so I went to ask my husband. He had it in his hand, and was using to decorate the cake that was going to be served to tonight's guests, my parents. FML

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By socially awkward - 10/3/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 06:06 - Canada - Guelph

Today, a woman started giving me grief because we didn't have any Boxing Day sales. As I explained to her that dollar stores don't usually have sales, she tried to lamp me. It ended by her getting dragged out of the store. FML

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By fireman - 6/10/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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By hairybetty - 5/1/2010 01:43 - United States

Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML

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By rainonmyparade - 17/3/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I called my dad to tell him my boyfriend had proposed to me, and that we're planning on being married this summer. He was surprised at the short engagement, so I said, "Well, we're almost 30." Dad replied, "Wow, I left your mom when I was 35!" So not the conversation for that information, Dad. FML

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By kufan1324 - 5/6/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, my boss became obsessed with a movie about a pimp. He now refers to all my female coworkers as his "bitches" and refuses to treat us like human beings. Whenever we make a mistake, he rolls his eyes and laughs, "So typical of a prostie." FML

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By bloodless - 5/1/2016 05:17 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I went for bloodwork. It's routine for me, so I was ready for the nurse to put in the needle and take my blood. It went in fine, but right after, she slowly pulled the needle out, then wondered why the blood stopped. She then moved it back and forth in my arm while I panicked silently. FML

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By mikeyamazing - 28/12/2010 05:00 - France

Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML

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By Milly - 30/1/2011 19:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 09:00 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2016 22:01

Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML

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By oldtimerclark - 21/6/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML

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By Chihuahuanope - 8/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Lincoln

An Expensive Snack

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 16:09 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

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By ally - 3/2/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML

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By Catpiss - 3/1/2018 16:30 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML

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By Trouble - 11/4/2017 18:00

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

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By idiot - 24/1/2013 19:53 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I took a swig of lemonade from my cup, only to feel something hard in my mouth. Thinking it was a roach or something, I freaked out and spat out the drink. I doused my laptop and soaked myself in the process, only to find out it was a small ice-cube. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 05:45 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was confiding in my grandma about how lonely I am and how everything in my life seems to be falling apart. While I was in mid-sentence, she rolled her eyes and made a show of removing her hearing aid. FML

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By Insensitive - 15/4/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I was talking on my mobile and walking into a grocery store saying, quite loudly, "Time heals all wounds!" right as I passed a woman with significant burns covering her face. I guess I was wrong. FML

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By sydstreet - 9/4/2012 05:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the side walk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

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By SMS123 - 25/6/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

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By Project-Mayhem - 2/12/2009 10:57 - United States

Today, my family went to the Christmas tree farm, and cut down the perfect tree. When we got home we put the kids down for a nap and took some time to relax. We went out to the truck to bring the tree into the house, it was gone. Someone stole my Christmas tree from my driveway in broad daylight. FML

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By MaximB - 15/7/2020 14:02

Coming up short

Today, some babe finally super-liked me on Tinder, but didn't want to continue the chat after finding out I'm shorter than her. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2012 14:23 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend I love her for the first time. She said, "Thanks." FML

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By dumped - 10/3/2010 12:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because apparently I don't appreciate how he's different from other guys. I only told him that showering once a month was not normal. FML

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By yayme. - 11/7/2013 22:26 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:10

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

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By dontrapeme - 26/9/2012 10:30 - United States

Today, while at the gym, a very large man walked over to me and said, "I like wearing all orange to the gym." Not wanting to be rude, I asked why. He looks me up and down and said, "It reminds me of prison." I think I'm going to be jumped. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Cranford

Today, my brother met my girlfriend for the first time. Instead of making a good first impression, the first thing he did was talk about how he just took a massive dump and didn't wipe very well, and that's why his hand smelled bad. FML

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By Alec - 15/6/2011 09:02 - United States

Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML

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By notthatkinkyanyway - 13/11/2011 12:46 - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

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By ol faithful - 3/9/2011 09:24 - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

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By notmysistersbf - 20/4/2015 02:39 - Canada - Summerland

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

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By L - 16/10/2012 22:59 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 20:00

Compassion

Today, my mum screamed that there is nothing wrong with me, after I literally coughed up blood in front of her. This all started over me getting my medications delivered to our house, as I’m not allowed out due to Covid-19 as I’m high risk. FML

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By FMJoblessL - 4/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

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Top comments

By Monkeysmommy1 | 0

#3601888 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:49

Dirty... Step daddy likes to keep it in the family.

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3601896 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:50

Caring is sharing. Don't let your mom intimidate you, keep your eye on the prize and go for it.

COMMENTS

By Monkeysmommy1 | 0

#3601888 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:49

Dirty... Step daddy likes to keep it in the family.

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#3601917 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:52

Says the lady who is kissing by force a rather unhappy kid..

Reply

gaganinia | 14

#3601943 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:56

scarryyyy!!!! D:

Reply

Monkeysmommy1 | 0

#3601958 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:57

Pretty sure that's a bit different from twice her age (at least) step daddy trying to ride the mother daughter train.

Reply

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#3616132 - Monday 21 November 2011 21:18

130- that's the joke 2 was making >< !!! :P

By ibanqnerdzz | 5

#3601890 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:49

Pervert . ! Runnnnnnn

Reply

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3601981 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:59

You can run but you can't hide..

Reply

yadisingh | 5

#3603129 - Friday 18 November 2011 22:01

I'm just wondering why you put a space between the '.' and the '!'. Or even why you put a space before the period? Or why you used a period and an exclamation mark.

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3601896 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sailorzoe | 14

#3601934 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:54

Bahahaha

Reply

davidisbeast | 12

#3602118 - Friday 18 November 2011 16:29

Isn't It sharing is caring ? Not the other way around.

Reply

every1luvsboners | 11

#3602136 - Friday 18 November 2011 16:33

I had it that way originally, but changed it. It makes sense both ways. It's like a double sided dildo during a game of tug-o-war.

Reply

frankboy | 0

#3604250 - Saturday 19 November 2011 4:30

Lmfao i love you

By LegalyWhite | 7

#3601899 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:50

Thats just messed up

By GoodLookingGeese | 10

#3601902 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:51

Sounds like your going to have a funny life since he moves in. Reminds me of a cartoon "Tom&Jerry".

Reply

EpicSquishii | 21

#3601945 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:56

Tom and Jerry....? Is that a reference to the cat-and-mouse game that this old pervert is purportedly planning to play (that's fun to say aloud) wirh his future step-daughter?

Reply

EpicSquishii | 21

#3601978 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:59

While "wirh" is also fun to say aloud, it was a definite fail on my part... ***with

Reply

murdersquirrel | 15

#3602341 - Friday 18 November 2011 17:40

Alliteration is fun.

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#3603230 - Friday 18 November 2011 22:30

The difference is that, when he will catch her the ending might get a bit different [kinky] then in the cartoon. ;) [wink] ;) [wink] - if you know what He (future stepdad) mean..

By EpicSquishii | 21

#3601903 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:51

Aaaaaaand this is when you laughingly bring it to moms attention. Id rather make sure she knew without looking like a drama monger.

By m1k30d | 5

#3601909 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:51

You should make some kind of epic objection at the wedding.

Reply

sweetjazzyjazz | 2

#3604117 - Saturday 19 November 2011 3:29

Haha(:

By emjayprice | 0

#3601919 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:53

RUN!!!

By perdix | 29

#3601923 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:53

He's not going to have to go very far to get around, then, is he? ;)

By FreshlyCut | 0

#3601930 - Friday 18 November 2011 15:54

Interesting,.......Very interesting.