Kids: Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen... - FML

By burn - 01/08/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 902

You deserved it 3 475

You tried

Stop talking!

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

By useless pos - 01/03/2013 00:48 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 180

You deserved it 12 294

By failing - 28/04/2017 01:00 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, after searching frantically for my economics notes for a week, I asked my friend to send me pictures of her's. I recognised my handwriting on the pictures she sent me and she admitted she "borrowed" them. The exam is in three days and she refuses to meet me and give my notes back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 433

You deserved it 358

By plantfood - 06/01/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 955

You deserved it 6 310

Play 4′33″ by John Cage

By NonPianoMan - 26/08/2021 16:01

Today, after I'd told this girl I’m seeing that I play piano to impress her, it turns out her father is a pianist and has a grand piano in their house. Tonight, I’m supposed to go to her place to play her my "favorite piece." FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 1 961

By grann - 15/03/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 851

You deserved it 26 243

By SugarMyBalls - 19/12/2012 23:31 - United States - Winder

Today, I had been trying to text my girlfriend all day, but no reply. After a while, I became worried so I called. She picked up and said, "Can't talk, busy." Not even a minute later, my best friend says to me, "Dude, tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. She's been texting me all day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 440

You deserved it 3 138

By ForgottenKid - 06/11/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 836

You deserved it 2 564

Because I'm worth it

By Anonymous - 30/03/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, a mother wrote me a $130 check for babysitting her four kids for a few hours. Trying to be gracious, I said, "Wow, thank you, this is very generous!" She thought for a minute, then said, "You're right." She took the check back, ripped it up, and wrote me a new one for $55. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 970

You deserved it 30 693

By Anonymous - 23/01/2013 01:33 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 924

You deserved it 2 530

Thanksssss

By Mojosahomo - 10/01/2018 17:30 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 082

You deserved it 586

By RyanTheMan15 - 31/10/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house watching a home makeover show with her and her mom. The show's host had a giant portrait of himself on his wall and then I said, "I hate it when people do that, it's so stupid." Her mom stared at me and pointed to the portrait of my girlfriend on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 526

You deserved it 30 783

Beep beep

By Crash - 30/06/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 144

You deserved it 61 261

Happy chicken day!

By 3monthsagostillnochkns - 12/09/2021 20:01

Today, after my kids told me they'd saved cash to buy me my dream birthday present - chickens - and after I'd worked excitedly to exhaustion for a week building a coop and chicken yard with no offered help from my husband, I'm now sitting in my empty chicken pen after everyone forgot about my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 65

An Inconvenient Thief

By Satver7 - 10/03/2017 22:00

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 148

You deserved it 4 540

By Dear Lord Save Me - 04/01/2015 03:56 - United Kingdom - Merthyr Tydfil

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 105

You deserved it 3 282

By peacock_mina19 - 11/02/2009 00:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 824

You deserved it 27 087

Sexy morning

By Anonymous - 15/01/2020 00:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 678

You deserved it 266

By Redhead - 22/08/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 420

You deserved it 877

By Kate - 04/07/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 654

You deserved it 3 920

That's a lot of damage!

By Stressed_Out_Student - 29/08/2018 22:00

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 810

You deserved it 229

By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 03:07 - China

Today, I left work early, and discovered I was locked out of my house. I subsequently had to use a spoon I found on the ground to smash the bathroom window. I cut my leg on the glass when I climbed through. While inspecting the wound, I felt a lump in my pocket. It was my house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 183

You deserved it 43 329

By Anonymous - 30/06/2015 07:51 - United States - Rochester

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 334

You deserved it 1 872

By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 139

You deserved it 5 053

By Rae - 30/07/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 362

You deserved it 4 463

By Anonymous - 09/10/2018 03:00

Today, I was cuddling with the girl I've been seeing for the past few months. She was saying how much she liked me and how much I meant to her. Reciprocating those feelings, I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was a HARD no for her. Then she drove me an hour and a half home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 147

You deserved it 273

By Anonymous - 17/04/2014 16:01 - United States - Orange

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 010

You deserved it 11 738

By Oli974 - 22/10/2015 13:08 - France - N?ves-parmelan

Today, it's job interview day. In the elevator on the way there, I overheard potential candidates talking about the boss of the company, mocking his alleged lack of credibility. Who's the boss? Me. They don't know that yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 170

You deserved it 2 754

By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 200

You deserved it 3 894

By Drewbie - 13/01/2013 08:53 - United States - Park City

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 693

You deserved it 8 776

Musicians suck

By Anonymous - 03/04/2013 01:26 - United States - Tulsa

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 151

You deserved it 3 554

By gumless - 02/05/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 207

You deserved it 7 658

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 22:39 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 892

You deserved it 7 218

By monsterinlaw - 21/01/2014 06:25 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 513

You deserved it 4 129

By hoplessG - 24/12/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 604

You deserved it 3 326

Wrong enemy

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 08:00

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 172

By foodsicknessinATL - 24/11/2016 00:08 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 464

You deserved it 916

By Lordofdance - 13/10/2017 16:00

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 847

You deserved it 457

By Anonymous - 02/10/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 744

You deserved it 73 215

By Saw - 11/02/2012 02:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 575

You deserved it 2 628

By Friendly - 01/03/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she's seen me "walking near her house and waving at her" for the last two months. I've been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 787

You deserved it 2 573

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Top comments

saIty 17

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:02

Just let it all out during the meeting. They like it when people express themselves.

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:02

Put lax in their food next time you make them dinner.

Comments

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Monday 1 August 2011 22:58

SHIT HAPPENS

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Monday 1 August 2011 22:59

That's shitty

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Monday 1 August 2011 22:59

put some in cans if pop, and give it to them

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:10

Are you referring to soda as "pop"?

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:15

Another shitty meeting

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:20

Yes, they're referring to soda as pop. Is there something wrong with that?

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:20

please write a logical sentence next time

flockz 19

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:22

no not in soda put some in his condoms and then he will freak when he doesnt get a boner during sex. then tell him u did it because u felt like he need to "relax"

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:25

I call it pop... Dunno what's so odd about that (:

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:45

Yeah well too bad the kids don't have meetings they have to sit through

dolphincheddar 10

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:14

If it's a meeting to sell a new brand of laxatives your good to go!

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:15

well hopefully your shit smells good

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:16

In canada its usually referred to as pop rather than soda

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:18

Man, why so many thumbs down? I was just asking.

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:26

of***

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:46

Next time do your research first before you ask :)

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 1:03

Hey, #20, I love Wendy's new chips.

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 1:46

A three hour meeting with the crapper...

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 2:58

@Knight - look up Colloquialism XD!

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 7:13

... Seriously 57? Who would do a research on such a minuscule thing? We call it soda here. damn try hard...

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 9:37

Yes, but someone with half a brain would know that there are different names for a carbonated beverage, and it really just depends on where you live.

SomeFMLPerson 0

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 10:34

32 - Hahahaha! I get it! You said shitty situation because laxatives make you shit! That is so hilarious and original! Honestly, you're a pun mastermind... I just can't stop laughing!

DeathBunny218 36

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:00

looks like you're up shit creek without a paddle, and soon you're gonna be swimmin in it

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:47

But what OP didn't realize is that most laxatives take 6-12 hours to work so decidedly not screwed

partyfool2011 4

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 6:35

Meetings are shitty regardless.

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:02

Put lax in their food next time you make them dinner.

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:22

Lax, bro. That's totes chill.

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:39

dear: mrfunbun01 please wear looser shirts. your body is seriously freaking me out.

PRiMARELYiNSANE 0

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 1:36

Hahaa i understand why they thought it would make you calm, reLAXATIVES.

StopDropNRoll 11

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 10:23

That will = more work for the parent later if they decide to blow up in the restroom =

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:02

They care enough to try to help

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:22

yeah, help him shit himself during a meeting

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:49

It's the thought that counts.

saIty 17

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:02

Just let it all out during the meeting. They like it when people express themselves.

hatepineapple 14

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:05

It won't matter either way. Those things are so full of shit anyways; she'll fit right in.

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:02

Loosened you up all right. Your butt that is.

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:09

Loosened*

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:20

What the heck? Before I corrected it my camment said "Lossened." Just nvm ignare me

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:33

Haha IDK I checked it before, honestly. It didn't say that. My iPhone is freaking out on me. *Note to self - stop looking up porn. Messing up phone* (joke)

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 9:28

haha that's hilarious but disgusting at the same time...lol

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:02

try not to be full of shit at the meeting(;

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 0:26

OP won't have that problem once the laxitives kick in.

KaySL 24

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:03

"Loosen me up and calm my nerves"? Certainly did one of those two things, didn't it?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 111

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 42