Intimacy: Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to...

By crazy mother in law - 17/12/2012 18:48

Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 989

You deserved it 4 994

Intimacy

Age difference

BO Central

Can't win

By girlfromnowhere - 23/02/2016 11:06 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 660

You deserved it 2 098

By Anonymous - 27/08/2012 02:56 - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 772

You deserved it 2 453

By Meaghan - 12/02/2013 17:41 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, my maid of honor, who offered to take care of my wedding dress before the D-Day, left it near her open window during heavy rain. My dress is now ruined, and she's backed out due to stress. I'm supposed to be getting married tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 146

You deserved it 3 725

By French - 24/10/2013 12:52 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 655

You deserved it 4 664

By woahlaura - 14/02/2016 16:26 - United States - Houston

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 683

You deserved it 3 363

By CandyMachine - 16/02/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I went to the vending machine, put in a dollar, and reached down to grab my snack. The slot door wouldn't open, so I pushed it harder. I got my hand in, but the door got stuck again, this time with my hand inside. I tried to push with my other hand. It got stuck too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 766

You deserved it 9 811

By Anonymous - 21/08/2012 16:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 624

You deserved it 1 923

By fuck my arse - 08/08/2013 22:15 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I were fooling around, and things got heated. In the heat of things, I told him to tear my panties off. He took it literally and yanked at them with all his might. It's been two hours and I still can't walk straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 381

You deserved it 19 491

Call the cops

By sammatthews2007 - 25/02/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 311

You deserved it 7 479

Drugged?

By wlisy - 30/09/2019 18:00

Today, I went to spend time with friends. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed with several blocked contacts and text messages, saying that what I did was unacceptable. No drugs or alcohol were involved, and I have no memory of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 670

You deserved it 227

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 028

You deserved it 56 332

Beggars can be choosers

By Rebecca Palermo - 14/12/2020 11:03

Today, I saw a girl asking for money on the median of an entrance to a parking lot with her dog. Later, I bought a box of dog treats for her. I drove up and handed it to her. She rolled her eyes and said, "How the hell am I supposed to carry that?" I sat there in stunned disbelief with the box she refused to take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 179

By Jobless - 12/03/2009 09:01 - Malaysia

Today, my boss wanted to promote me to a managerial position. I declined the position saying I don't think I'm ready and experienced enough for that role. I was then fired instead for not accepting the promotion. I was fired for being honest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 622

You deserved it 26 497

By livin - 11/09/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out that on Wednesday, when I have 2 exams, I'm called to testify in court. If I go to court, I cannot make the exams. If I take the exams, I'll be held in contempt and arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 082

You deserved it 5 910

By AnonymousOne - 08/12/2016 10:57

Today, I took my car to dealer because of the loud knocking sound I heard while driving it. Twenty-four hours later, they told me it was fixed. Fifteen minutes after I drove away, the tire flew off my car while I was on the highway. My car is now totaled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 979

You deserved it 621

Gross!

By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 171

You deserved it 2 439

By holyshitbatman - 22/09/2012 14:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 443

You deserved it 29 658

By Username - 31/07/2019 00:01 - Singapore

Today, I was put in lockup for accidentally scaring the officer by lifting my hand to scratch my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 602

You deserved it 217

By sickened - 21/09/2014 18:23 - United Kingdom - Gateshead

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 782

You deserved it 8 285

By RupeeLink - 27/07/2009 23:33 - United Kingdom

Today, to cheer my girlfriend up after her mother died a week ago, I took her to a comedy club. The comedian's theme for the night happened to be mother-daughter relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 634

You deserved it 7 978

By SetoAyumi - 15/11/2011 08:40 - United States

Today, a neighbor came by while I was cooking. She asked for some of my cheese, so I gave her a big slice and told her I only had cheddar. She angrily refused to accept the slice, and made her way to my fridge. She then yelled at me for not having an assortment of cheeses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 465

You deserved it 3 362

The Lovecats

By Anonymous - 19/10/2021 05:00 - United States

Today, after my husband got ready for work, he touched my arm and slowly bent down. I assumed he was going to say he loved me and to have a good day. As I quickly thought of a loving response and prepared to give him a kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Did you put a dead mouse in the toilet?" Thanks a lot, cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 108

Dr. Phil

By NotSoSmart - 03/09/2019 17:00 - United States - Ventura

Today, in the spirit of being helpful, I accidentally convinced the girl I'm secretly in love with to stay with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 827

By Rosie J. - 10/11/2016 02:45 - United States - Leawood

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 269

You deserved it 570

By Anonymous - 25/07/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I was walking down the strip with a friend when we saw a homeless man with no arm. I felt bad, so I gave him some cash and I looked into his poor little eyes when he put out his arm for a hug. Without thinking, I hugged him. Right as I was thinking, "wtf am I doing," he kissed my boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 617

You deserved it 53 033

By Sylvania - 10/06/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 603

You deserved it 5 558

Get me out of here

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 20:01 - Canada

Today, I work at a super toxic workplace, where the owner/boss takes part in some rude/bullying behavior and does nothing when I'm being bullied by coworkers. As a matter of fact, he takes their side. I have been looking for a new job in what I do, but haven't had any luck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 73

By no sir I have not - 08/03/2013 00:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a patient's blood pressure, and listening for his pulse with my stethoscope. I couldn't hear anything, so I adjusted the cuff and tried again. Still no pulse. He pointed out that my stethoscope was the wrong way around and sneered, "You been smokin' the reefer, boy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 331

You deserved it 36 251

By Anonymous - 08/08/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I was pitching at a fastpitch softball game. The other team chanted about the ball being too high and almost hitting the batter in the eye. After throwing the next pitch, the ball was savagely returned by the batter, straight into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 332

You deserved it 2 769

By Ambar - 15/02/2010 17:02 - Canada

Today, I was missing $20 from my wallet, so I decided to ask my sister if she had taken it. Her response? "That reminds me, I need to borrow another 50." She has a job. That was my Christmas money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 661

You deserved it 2 746

By Ducati - 10/08/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend a small stun gun I bought for her. She mentioned how she thought it was ''cute'', though it probably wouldn't help if someone was after her. She then put the tazer to my chest. When I woke up, she told me how it was my fault, for buying it for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 731

You deserved it 13 448

By yourmainman - 28/01/2013 05:03 - Canada

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 733

You deserved it 15 873

By silkworm - 24/06/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 889

You deserved it 2 741

By TheEnglishOne - 23/01/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 720

You deserved it 8 647

By Stilljobless - 19/01/2010 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 069

You deserved it 39 497

By goin4broke - 07/08/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, my parents came to the restaurant I work at as a waiter. After, I picked up the check to realize they had left me a $500 tip! We split the tips among the employees so I only got $50 back but I was still psyched. When I got home they asked me if I had noticed that they used my credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 010

You deserved it 6 896

By Panda_Bearr - 03/09/2011 04:33 - United States

Today, it was my last day at my dad's. I thought he'd want to say goodbye, instead he told me, "Hope you've got all your shit. Anything you leave, I'm burning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 617

You deserved it 2 708

By Lichelle - 10/03/2009 21:30 - United States

Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 088

You deserved it 72 570

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

By Anonymous - 19/03/2021 02:01

Today, I finally told my mom that it hurts me every time she calls me fat. She got offended that I'm offended. Now our whole entire extended family wants me to say sorry to her and them, because apparently they also call me fat behind my back. I'm a size small by the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 418

You deserved it 82

By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 22:39 - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 433

You deserved it 4 238

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Top comments

Sunkistlover718 21

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:12

As least she's supportive of you two.

Pleonasm 35

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:14

I guess that puts you in an awkward position.

wisecatlady123 11

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:07

You poor soul

bombshellbabee01 9

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:33

She was just trying to help

SlenderMann 10

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:47

Lets hope your mother in law didn't demonstrate them...

TheZee 12

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:51

Your poor comment

Steve95401 49

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:59

I also hope she didn't talk about how her son's testicles didn't drop down until he was 4.

Sunkistlover718 21

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:12

As least she's supportive of you two.

RAUHWeltBegriff 9

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:51

is her mother-in-law's name Rozalin Focker?

DracoSpirita 21

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 0:51

Or Evelyn Harper?

rocker_chick105 31

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:13

Your mother-in-law is awesome

goldfish78 11

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:33

Agree. Listen from the expert .

Qandol 26

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 4:54

Yes, should listen to the Mother in law, because she made your husband and you love him and married him, now imagine your kids.

hannaaaahr 33

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 7:32

honestly, I would be a bit weirded out, and not thinking: 'wow, my step-mom rocks!' but hey, that's me!

Church_Vii 4

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:13

She knows what she's talking about - she had a lot of trial and error with your father-in-law to make your husband.

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:18

How do you know?

Church_Vii 4

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:32

Because, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...

DontThumbMeDown 8

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 0:18

...Or are very intoxicated...

Pleonasm 35

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:14

I guess that puts you in an awkward position.

perdix 29

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:20

Ironically, the positions for optimal procreation are awkward. You can't get pregnant doing reverse cowgirl. At least men can't ;)

Pleonasm 35

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:26

What position DO you need to do for optimal procreation? That's what I'm wondering. And what's this about men not able to get pregnant from reverse cowgirl? I wasn't aware that any position lended itself to getting a man pregnant. Or is there some sort of auto-fecundation process aptly named "the fountain"?

Awsumuzzie 12

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:31

19, I think missionary with a pillow propped under the lower back is one of the best for procreation.

grafeety 9

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:34

Point your woman due north, eat lots of pickled herrings and I'm not sure I'd do this one but dipping your junk in ice... This also ensures that the kid will be a male.

ICastillo 24

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:46

No, you know what an awkward position is the Pilipino bulldozer. Doesn't get more awkward than that.

BlueFlatts 20

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 0:47

Yes, and lemons produce girls, so pucker up.

lilhellian 26

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 2:04

Well this is an awkward, funny, and helpful thread.. Might check out some of these..

perdix 29

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 2:43

#22, you are partly right. That position works if the woman lays there with her legs in the air for about a half an hour after he comes. By that time, he's ready for another beer, so get up and get it for him ;)

TacoBelle 8

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 5:58

So, what is the best position for men to become pregnant?

Axipiter 24

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 6:23

73 - During the second full moon of the month, upside down against a wall with one foot touching your head and the other pointed skyward. I've heard differing rumours about making a fist with your non dominant hand, but that's unconfirmed.

BulldogHoops 14

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 6:40

As much as I want a son, I'm not sure I want to dip my junk in ice... And I sure as hell won't let it anywhere near lemon juice! Decisions, decisions.

sens3sfailing 24

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 13:16

I try to not think about what gender children I have. for one, if I have a boy, I have to make sure he knows to wrap it before he taps it and doesnt rape anyone. with a girl...I worry I may be on of those " hi nice to meet you, if you hurt my baby girl I am going to cut of your belly skin and suffocate you with it" fathers...having a boy seems easier...