Kids: Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed...

By Anonymous - 03/04/2017 00:00

Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 303

You deserved it 621

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Same thing different taste

By shoelace18 - 06/09/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 874

You deserved it 5 954

By assassinmaster - 30/06/2018 15:00

Today, I caught a lady attempting to steal a watermelon by putting it in her shirt. When I confronted her, she claimed to be pregnant and threatened to sue me and the store for discriminating against mothers. Nice try, but the watermelon fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 735

You deserved it 252

By wifeofafainter - 24/09/2015 06:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 413

You deserved it 3 070

By melonhead - 14/01/2010 08:46 - Australia

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 880

You deserved it 3 722

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 037

You deserved it 3 747

By Baby eater - 20/05/2014 00:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 498

You deserved it 5 830

By mamagelmane - 08/08/2014 04:27 - France - Vervezelle

Today, my husband jolted in bed and while still half-asleep said, "I had a nightmare; I dreamt we had a kid." I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 899

You deserved it 4 075

Gummy

By madeleine - 08/04/2021 05:00

Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 287

By lawdy - 21/05/2017 20:00

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 465

You deserved it 630

By wow - 15/04/2013 18:36 - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 944

You deserved it 6 734

PennyLane27 32

Monday 3 April 2017 2:18

Tomorrow at school: "I made mommy pregnant!"

MegasaurusRex89 28

Monday 3 April 2017 0:03

Well, sounds like someone wants a sibling! haha

Comments

RockPrincess26 16

Tuesday 4 April 2017 10:40

I guess she specifically wanted a sister.

Keywords

Embarrassing Transportation Awkward Cars Family Babysitter Relatable Kids Thief Money Health Depression Mental health Wanker Work Bodyshaming Love Vacation Annoying Students Parenting Intimacy First Dates AITA Singing Animals Cats Weddings Public freakouts Cops

The Top

Today, I logged into our family's shared Amazon account to buy some gift cards for Mother's Day. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the cart already had 6 items in it. Turns out my forgetful stepbrother was debating on what gazebo to buy and forgot to take the items out of the cart. Why'd he put them in there though? FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 324

Today, we went to disperse my father's ashes in his favorite lake. My brother was anxious to show off to his new wife, and took us to a fancy resort on the lake. He fell into the lake with my dad's ashes. Nobody laughed when he got out. Oh and as he's a stingy ass, I ended up paying for the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 121

The Top

Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 449

You deserved it 4 037

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 776

You deserved it 1 433

Today, I used my phone to take pictures of my hemorrhoids to show my doctor, forgetting I'd set my phone to upload all photos to a shared Dropbox account. My mother-in-law called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 111

You deserved it 7 864

Today, I got the worst sunburn I've ever had in my life, and then discovered I'm allergic to aloe when I went to treat the burn with some gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 507

You deserved it 3 654

Today, I felt a fear that my relationship with my boyfriend isn’t going to last. There’s nothing inherently wrong, yet I find myself thinking of breaking up with him. A lot. I love him and feel like I’m already part of his family, and that's something I don’t want to let go. I don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 323

Today, I was at a baseball game. This kid in front of me had binoculars and was constantly shouting. Trying to amuse the girl next to me, I leaned over and said, "That kid probably has wet dreams about baseball." She got up and said to the kid, "Come on honey, we're leaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 572

You deserved it 3 518

Same thing different taste

Gummy

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