Health: Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/07/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 274

You deserved it 15 814

Sorry…

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

The fertility dance worked

Wrong place, right time

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 12:00 - Australia - Cairns

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 151

By LLCK - 10/12/2012 10:13 - United States - Owatonna

Today, a lady on the bus came up to me and asked if she could sit down. Thinking she meant the seat next to me, I said sure. She meant my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 495

You deserved it 2 245

Underestimated overachiever

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 20:00

Today, I told my cousin I was admitted to a top MBA program. He asked if it was an online-only certificate program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 209

You deserved it 176

By Volunteer - 13/09/2013 22:24 - United States - Elwood

Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 914

You deserved it 10 975

By Anonymous - 15/04/2014 16:37 - United States - Erie

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 632

You deserved it 10 032

Constructive criticism

By Anonymous - 26/03/2020 08:02

Today, I had just finished a really intense workout in my garage gym. It was chilly outside, but I crossed the road home in my shorts, as I was still pretty hot and sweaty. A woman walked by and asked, "Aren't you cold, you skinny little whore?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 947

You deserved it 232

By robbedonCTA - 22/09/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 027

You deserved it 7 673

By jillydark6609 - 19/09/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 236

You deserved it 14 218

By sad-sexed - 06/09/2010 12:50 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 039

You deserved it 55 333

By Anonymous - 07/11/2010 00:42 - United States

Today, I received a marriage proposal at work from a 70 year old man covered in dirt from head to toe, who offered to be my "sugar daddy." I guess I have options after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 396

You deserved it 3 095

Y'all need him!

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 766

You deserved it 3 501

By storyofmylife - 15/03/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 485

You deserved it 10 742

It's not working

By naas1201 - 10/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 251

By Kev - 20/08/2014 17:53 - United States - Flemington

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 061

You deserved it 43 711

Time to shop

By Anon - 24/03/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I made my whole grocery list out in my head. While having sex with my fiancee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 385

By anon - 04/12/2009 10:35 - Australia

Today, I got a birthday card in the mail from my aunt. I got all excited when I saw a cheque inside, but the cheque was addressed to the wrong name. Not only did my own aunt forget my name, I couldn't even bank the $60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 112

You deserved it 2 710

By F- Forever - 03/10/2017 16:00

Today, out of spite, I wrote "Ms. Piggy" instead of my professor's actual name in the heading of my essay. Guess what I forgot to do before turning it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 4 980

By Jon - 02/04/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, my ex fiancée, who left me six months ago, asked if I'd mind if she used the wedding dress I bought her for our wedding. She's just gotten engaged again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 144

You deserved it 3 448

What is it?

By Anonymous - 06/08/2009 22:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, I had my first orgasm. He thought something was wrong, so he stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 892

You deserved it 8 181

By whereismyprince? - 18/12/2013 17:01 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I met a great guy at the bar, and we went back to my place. He left before I woke up, leaving a badly-scrawled note saying, "Gone to work, call me!" I couldn't make out the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 539

You deserved it 7 426

By duncanisgey - 04/03/2011 22:57 - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 641

You deserved it 6 383

By Hatilic_ - 14/06/2019 20:00

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 639

You deserved it 131

By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe - 20/05/2017 02:00

Today, after having set up a date with a wonderful guy who seems to really like me, I caught a cold. I have also lost most of my voice because of it, so I now sound like an angry, deranged goose when I talk. This will be the first time he meets me in person. So much for a good first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 597

You deserved it 351

By FML - 05/01/2012 15:56 - United States

Today, I received a ticket for not having my headlights on. The cop who pulled me over had a broken headlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 768

You deserved it 4 931

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 05:30 - Canada - Calgary

Spicy

Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 103

You deserved it 4 853

By Lastsecondstand - 06/04/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said "you look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 264

You deserved it 11 147

Crypto bro

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 05:00

Today, I told my son to get a job and start paying rent. Five minutes later he transferred me rent for the next 5 years. When I demanded to know where he got that kind of money, he showed me his bank statements. He’s made more money mining Bitcoin than I’ve made in 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 945

By Oh Cock - 10/10/2015 15:15 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 059

You deserved it 7 898

By Anonymous - 31/07/2016 16:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 070

You deserved it 2 267

By Anonymous - 11/06/2012 12:42 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I got a new set of acrylic nails put on. While driving home, I had an urge to pick my nose. My car then went over a speed-bump. I now feel like my brain is bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 075

You deserved it 46 055

Creativity stifled

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 214

You deserved it 22 389

By hfksorws - 08/10/2010 01:57 - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 105

You deserved it 6 050

Blogged up

By Arran - 10/04/2011 00:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 204

You deserved it 32 581

By NinjaWafflesx - 15/12/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 697

You deserved it 3 943

By sofuckingembarassing. - 11/02/2013 19:19 - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 145

You deserved it 7 953

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 19:10 - Ireland

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 808

You deserved it 5 602

By Noname - 03/02/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 848

You deserved it 2 906

Right in the nuts

By Anonymous - 01/06/2021 06:01

Today, I thought it would be fun and nice to pick my little brother up, but no, he accidentally kicked me in the balls. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, my daughter's school called to inform me that I needed to bring her some sneakers. Not feeling like driving the 15 minutes to her school, I told them I was away from town. Then I realized I was on my house phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 648

You deserved it 71 061

By Anonymous - 17/06/2009 12:27 - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 208

You deserved it 7 241

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Top comments

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:03

Maybe you shouldn't have been standing in the way then?...

BIEBERSLAYER 10

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:05

well even trees hate nagging.

Comments

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:03

Maybe you shouldn't have been standing in the way then?...

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:16

Karma*. And this is a YDI because you don't stand under trees when branches are being cut down

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:16

maybe it wasn't an accident...

fmyli 0

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:23

what was op like oh hey like a falling branch. should i move?

DontModMeDammit 10

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:37

George George, George of the jungle..ehh I'll stop while I'm ahead..

changetheworld 0

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:42

If you're going to nag about a tree limb being cut, maybe you shouldn't do it under 'said' tree limb. Just a thought.

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Monday 11 July 2011 10:11

What really happened was op was about to walk inside and her husband got the branch, went behind her, and hit her in the head with it, then exclaiming in his football touchdown voice,"what now, bitch!" he then realized she was unconcious and told her this story instead.

dinodannyrawr 5

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Monday 11 July 2011 10:15

you should sleep with her husband :)

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Monday 11 July 2011 10:48

if I were the husband, right after the branch fell on her, I would have started singing 'Move bitch! get out the way, get out the way bitch!'

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Monday 11 July 2011 13:21

Well how do you think the tree feels.. he had someone constantly plotting to kill him? Him falling on you was just his last dying attempt to take you with him.

flamegrilled123 3

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Monday 11 July 2011 14:38

chin up

WallyTheWombat 0

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Monday 11 July 2011 18:00

She was probably standing under the branch and nagging at him while he was cutting it down. You could have always done it yourself if you wanted it down so bad.

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Friday 15 July 2011 1:44

Why wasn't op in the kitchen? Unless it fell through the roof and struck her.

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 9:43

karma's a bitch, irony on the other hand is funny as shit xD

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:04

Wamp wamp WAMPPP!

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Monday 11 July 2011 16:00

how big was the tree, that you survived to type an FML?

BIEBERSLAYER 10

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:05

well even trees hate nagging.

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:12

Karma*

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:14

wow i replied to 12. dumb iPhone

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:06

Picky, picky, picky!!!

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 12:38

your still alive?!?!

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:06

Awww that sucks!!

dinodannyrawr 5

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:07

give him sone ass an he would of done it sooner.. :)

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:09

Laugh my ass off!!

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:50

Don't panic! We may still be able to save your ass before there is massive blood loss. The stitching process may be very painful, though.

jrgr 6

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Monday 11 July 2011 10:13

hahaha! (:

DKjazz 20

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:25

Whatever you do, don't use local anesthetic.

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:08

Were you standing under it?

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Monday 11 July 2011 14:19

No, the fucking limb flew 20 ft. over to land on op before it fell.

seeunexttuesdays 6

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Monday 11 July 2011 15:54

wow someone didn't read the FML!

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:31

Ah, the lolz. That just tickled me.

aprilmayjune93 0

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:11

watch out for that tree!

emeraldchicky 0

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:14

Win. (;

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Monday 11 July 2011 16:18

Win

zombieekillah93 0

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:12

you were kinda asking for it....he was just doing what ya asked him to

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Monday 11 July 2011 14:31

I freaking love your pic

EvilTeddysRock 2

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Monday 11 July 2011 9:12

someone got Bugs Bunnied =P

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 43

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 25

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 318

You deserved it 80

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 638

You deserved it 31