Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

It's the thought that counts

Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our one year anniversary and that it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two packs of cigarettes. FML

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, after secretly smoking for more than two years, I decided to quit. I came home from work to see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML

Pranked

Today, my friend made the effort to draw a penis on every page in my analysis textbook in pen. I have to return this tomorrow. FML

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be witty to buy a miniature stop sign, and hold it up when she gets bored during sex. FML

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

Today, my husband finally decided to help with the laundry. He washed a pen and it exploded in the dryer. FML