Health: Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts... - FML

By Anonameow - United States - Nanticoke

Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts so badly I start to cry, which hurts even worse and makes it difficult to breathe. The painkillers I'm on make everything seem funny. I laughed so hard at a dumb pun that I nearly passed out. FML

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Instadrama

Tidy your room

Bass, how low can you go?

By sinceresally

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker yell something, but I couldn't hear him, so I just pulled the stump out anyway. What I realized too late was that he was telling me that there was a swarm of bees living behind the stump. FML

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By snowbunny - United States

Today, I got snowed in. At work. FML

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By Hello condoms and lube - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I learnt what my boss meant when he said he would 'get his revenge on me' for winning a bet. I have to clean all the rooms that currently have a couple staying in it on February 15th. I don't want to work in a hotel anymore. FML

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By xxx - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

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By wormsmeat - Canada - Kingston

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

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By dangerZone - United States - Statesboro

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

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By Angry Mob - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By Anna - 20/12/2020 05:02

Bad timing

Today, it's the first day of a long-needed vacation after weeks of stress and overtime. I'm having such intense period cramps, I'm bathed in sweat. FML

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By Julissa - 25/2/2021 00:30

Asshat

Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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By unappreciated - United States

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the AC broke in the kitchen of the restaurant I work at. Temperatures reached over 100 degrees and one of my coworkers nearly passed out. Our boss accused us of being "dramatic" and only let us step out after I collapsed. I need this job too badly to quit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

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By TrueScotsman - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

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By Shopgirl - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

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By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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By Whyis Dremora - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

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By Full Stomach Empty Wallet - United States - Danvers

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

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By rejected - United States

Smoke signals

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

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By Blue_belle

Observational Comedy 101

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

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By fatbabysyndrome - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He seemed excited, and said we should make the baby fat so he can bounce her on his lap and watch her double chin jiggle. Just to prove he's serious, he's been searching for high-calorie foods for babies. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, I confessed to my husband that I quoted Lightning McQueen in an interview and got my dream job because of it. He wont stop laughing and telling my friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

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By nullpointer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

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By SharkWeek - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By Unloveable - United States - Priest River

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me over video chat. Two days before I was to move across the country to be with him. All of my things are already shipped. He said he thinks of me as a sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2020 23:04

Taste test

Today, I went to give my boyfriend head, and his dick tasted like condoms. I'm 5 months pregnant, we obviously don't use condoms. He got scared when I stopped and told him, then he got mad at me. FML

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By Numb - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

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By racking-leaves - United States

Today, after spending 3 hours raking leaves, I went to the store to get some supplies. I came back to find my neighbor had decided to blow his leaves all over my yard. FML

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By PlsForget - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, due to plumbing issues, I had to choose between a goosebump-inducing cold or skin-blistering hot shower. This is the 7th day in a row. My husband says it shouldn't be more than another week before he "gets it figured out". FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

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By Lauren - Australia

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

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By Phoenix2115 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after ordering a custom $200 Valentine's Day gift box for my husband, he gave it away to a female coworker upon delivery because Valentine's Day isn't for guys. I hope she like the new Xbox one controller and all the gift cards as well. FML

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By WasteOfTime - United Kingdom

Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

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Top comments

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6545865 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:21

I'd make a funny joke, but it'd probably be too painful to read.

By whatarethisss | 22

#6545863 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:20

Just try to sleep..get well soon.

COMMENTS

By totallynotemily | 25

#6545861 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:19

That sucks

Reply

CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6545871 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:22

Nope, it just hurts.

Reply

fuckfuckityfuck | 16

#6546070 - Friday 26 February 2016 19:59

Those puns were painful to read

Reply

brenton490 | 19

#6546335 - Saturday 27 February 2016 2:52

Nah these puns just take my breath away.

Reply

hellobobismyname | 24

#6546382 - Saturday 27 February 2016 4:05

These are not actually puns.

Reply

fuckfuckityfuck | 16

#6546387 - Saturday 27 February 2016 4:20

All is fair in pun and war

By WCARlover | 34

#6545862 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:20

Making a dumb pun is usually my go-to comment for an FML but now I don't really want to for your sake OP :/

By whatarethisss | 22

#6545863 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:20

Just try to sleep..get well soon.

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6545865 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:21

I'd make a funny joke, but it'd probably be too painful to read.

By Colon_Man | 17

#6545867 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:21

Sounds legit.
Also, are you sure the pun wasn't said by a hallucination?

I once woke up from post op talking to my dad, who was out having a smoke.

By johhnn | 8

#6545872 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:22

Praying for you

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6545883 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:33

Pfft, that's nothing. I'm sacrificing goats, sheep, and lambs for the OP!

By MarkTheMintMan | 21

#6545877 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:25

Oh god OP, please don't read the comments until your better.

By jansdrs | 19

#6545878 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:25

I feel your pain. After a surgery, everyone kept cracking jokes and I nearly passed out from the pain.

By enxhi96 | 21

#6545899 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:46

You must have gotten your tonsils removed because this sounds exactly like my experience.

Reply

RageWolf16 | 31

#6545909 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:50

Or stomach surgery, your abdominal muscles flex a lot when you laugh and that could rip the stitches out of an incision

Reply

jansdrs | 19

#6545922 - Friday 26 February 2016 17:57

In my case, it was my appendix.

By angelitared | 27

#6545934 - Friday 26 February 2016 18:09

I want some of those pain killers!