Intimacy: Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell...

By masterzach21 - 22/01/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 990

You deserved it 41 190

Intimacy

Mother of the year

Empathy lives

Leave me alone!

By outplayed - 01/09/2017 16:00

Today, while reviewing boxes of motorcycle parts, I noticed my neighbor's daughter gleefully watching me. I jokingly said, "Wanna do this?" and she let out a loud squee and got to work alone. A few hours later, the bike was ready for a test run. I had no idea how to even start building it. She's 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 708

You deserved it 2 468

By Amber - 28/05/2013 23:42 - United States - Oroville

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 625

You deserved it 52 335

By Anonymous - 14/06/2013 21:21 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend got into bed with me and started fooling around. I had a terrible migraine, which she knew, so I asked her to stop because it wasn't helping. She then yelled at me for being "ungrateful" and "selfish", and accused me of secretly being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 324

You deserved it 7 591

By DUMMIE - 04/03/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 605

You deserved it 30 221

By Jess - 30/05/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 010

You deserved it 5 023

Photoshopped

By Noname - 18/02/2009 21:55 - United States

Today, when I visited my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All were normal graduation pictures etc. but mine was a cutout where she made me skinnier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 528

You deserved it 3 938

By Completely Innocent - 05/03/2015 17:10 - United States

Today, a coworker told my manager that I and another girl were plotting to get her fired at the end of the month. She actually believed her. Now we're suspended without pay for two weeks for conspiracy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 505

You deserved it 2 808

By Anonymous - 25/02/2012 05:21 - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 602

You deserved it 4 227

By resipsahipsta - 28/06/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I finally cracked the password on my husband's email account. I don't know which is worse: finding out your husband is cheating on you with several people, or finding his password includes his ex-girlfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 087

You deserved it 24 343

By shreking_bawl - 14/11/2014 18:39 - Norway

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explained stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 084

You deserved it 3 423

By whatafuckhead - 23/11/2015 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my landlord commented on how rarely I drink milk, and I joked that I'm "probably going to die young" because of it. Then I immediately remembered that her 35-year-old husband died last year of a heart attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 318

You deserved it 4 864

By trees - 24/07/2013 16:44 - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 248

You deserved it 2 910

By argh - 24/02/2010 06:29 - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 485

You deserved it 2 230

Customer relationships

By UnemployedGirl - 02/07/2021 19:59

Today, I assisted a customer at work. She was asking me all sorts of stupid questions and acting like an entitled, spoiled brat. When she left, since I had a mask on, I meant to mouth, "Stupid bitch" but I blurted it out loud. Everyone heard. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 278

You deserved it 1 406

By stupiddog - 15/04/2014 12:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 278

You deserved it 5 260

By Sam - 26/09/2011 11:46 - Australia

Today, in a desperate attempt to get my business "out there", I dropped a few of my cards on a station floor. I got a call, even a quote. A $500 fine from the transit for public littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 256

You deserved it 34 944

By m - 09/09/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, we went to the mall and my husband picked me out some perfume. When I asked him why he liked that particular one he responded with, "that's what's the stripper at my bachelor party was wearing." He was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 671

You deserved it 4 199

Feelin' sexy

By Anonymous - 23/05/2020 20:00

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 129

By Guitar-ZERO - 12/06/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 322

You deserved it 22 262

By jobless - 30/04/2012 13:28 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during a job interview as it was taking place over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 681

You deserved it 30 166

By Misc. - 13/03/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 873

You deserved it 8 157

By rbeast - 21/07/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's overprotective parents decided that I'm a bad influence on their daughter. I'm a straight A engineering student who openly speaks out against drugs, alcohol, and discrimination. Their reason? Someone told them I dyed my hair black. They think I'm a "closet Nazi". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 622

You deserved it 4 143

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 11:12 - Switzerland

Today, I ate lunch alone. None of my colleagues saved me a seat. One of those colleagues was my husband. He didn't even have the decency to move so that I wouldn't have to eat alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 890

You deserved it 4 588

By BGood - 21/12/2011 16:30 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend at a grocery store. We haven't seen each other since we broke up a few months ago, and when he introduced me, he called me by the wrong name. We dated for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 313

You deserved it 3 924

By Anonymous - 30/08/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 522

You deserved it 6 634

By Sam - 24/06/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 860

You deserved it 4 883

By single once again - 07/10/2015 07:41 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has an account on a sex hookup site. He said it has "interesting articles" and that he'd completed his profile and listed his sexual preferences out of boredom. When I told him to sign in and prove he hadn't been messaging girls, he refused and called me paranoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 323

You deserved it 2 590

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her adorable 5 year-old sister came up, gave me a hug, and said, "You're fat. When are you going home?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 717

You deserved it 6 041

By Anonymous - 01/05/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed that my 80-year-old mother has gone through 50+ bottles of my home-made wine. She only moved in with me a month ago. And now I have no wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 134

You deserved it 213

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 13:30 - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 264

You deserved it 7 855

By Epiphany - 19/07/2012 09:01 - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 019

You deserved it 3 018

Man vs. Wild

By Marjo86 - 27/09/2019 20:00

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 915

You deserved it 93

By Eli - 20/09/2011 00:21 - Canada

Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 466

You deserved it 3 221

By sexyhobbit - 12/07/2014 00:26 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I confided to my boyfriend that I have a condition that causes me to grow thick toe hair. He now won't stop calling me "the sexy Hobbit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 730

You deserved it 7 308

By Anonymous - 31/08/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 267

You deserved it 11 470

By spideypowers - 05/09/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, as I was using my mom's computer, a spider crawled onto the screen. So as per my usual reaction to seeing a spider, I smashed it as fast as I could. I missed the spider, but now I have to buy my mom a new monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 446

You deserved it 44 295

Call the waaaambulance!

By boiled ladybits - 25/06/2020 14:02

Today, I was in the shower having a little fun with the detachable shower head. I didn’t know anyone else was home until I heard a toilet flush and scalding hot water flooded my cooch. I think I need to go to the ER, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for a ride there. I can’t walk or sit properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 935

You deserved it 473

Sneaky dad

By say no to dick - 18/04/2014 22:56 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 695

You deserved it 43 495

By Lily - 23/03/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 477

You deserved it 4 650

By Anonymous - 10/05/2017 00:10 - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 181

You deserved it 336

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Top comments

jaylinquent 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:43

maybe she screamed because it was too small

JoshTheMaggot 8

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:06

Ydi that is soo funny. but don't do that crap in her moms house. what if she walled in on you taking the pic.

Dopeyrox 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:05

y would ur gf want ur little dick as her background anyway??

c00lsk8erboi 7

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Saturday 7 August 2010 6:31

what does comment moderated mean?

JoshTheMaggot 8

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:06

Ydi that is soo funny. but don't do that crap in her moms house. what if she walled in on you taking the pic.

JoshTheMaggot 8

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:08

damn it my first has been stolen sorry

afarr 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 2:25

why? shawie?

pipp360 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 6:10

she was shrieking out of laughter because his package is so tiny

Bananaaa_fml 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 12:19

hahahahaha

cindebaby 0

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Monday 1 February 2010 11:34

lmfao

fmlbtard 0

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Friday 22 April 2011 7:12

lolol american pie 5 naked mile.. took a shit in llaundry

MoonyIce 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:06

Wow. That's tasteless, no matter WHO it was going to. YDI for thinking your girlfriend would want that or think it was funny.

kittykat52810 0

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Friday 3 December 2010 3:55

how do u know it wasn't humor, just cause you would get mad doesn't mean she would, still ydi

lilemmy55 10

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Saturday 15 October 2011 4:23

I would actually enjoy it... But thats just me :3

anela_fml 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:13

I hope they beat you

imjustbeth 0

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Wednesday 3 February 2010 1:34

hahahhaah for sure.

GreenDayRHCP 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:22

You Definitely Deserved it.

RageYDI 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:22

she secretly loved it.

razorp 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:36

her mom saved the pic huh!

jaylinquent 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:43

maybe she screamed because it was too small

Metallica139 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 2:01

lol

bmxx 0

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Sunday 29 August 2010 10:38

no if it was too small she woulda laughed, so it had to be like a foot or more long which made her scream

bhangu023 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 16:44

maby she was just shocked cuz it was so small

EMTchic 14

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Wednesday 5 September 2012 1:06

You're a little bit late with that one . . .

LittleMissNaught 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 17:06

I would be more worried about when she gets over the shock/surprise/nausea? and forwards it to all her mates!!!! (and she will)

erjaguam 0

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Friday 22 January 2010 17:12

SAD! this is funny though. my boyfriend did the same thing to me except he used his own phone and showed me his pictures. but you lol! you knew they have the same phone. YDI