Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell...

By masterzach21 - 22/1/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

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Intimacy

Property law

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

This is fine

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 20:23 - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to my deodorant. My armpits wouldn't stop itching, and by the time my shift was over, they were raw and bloody. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 20:14 - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

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By imy - 18/10/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

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By Pookaa - 5/10/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, I got a text from someone I've been avoiding saying, "Can I come visit you today?" I replied, "No, sorry, I'm not home." They then replied "Then who is that in your living room?" FML

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By Mortified - 22/7/2009 09:48 - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

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By Shadyblood - 15/8/2009 04:32 - Puerto Rico

Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML

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By tempted to become single - 21/10/2012 16:00 - United States - Atwater

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

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By pain - 26/2/2010 10:23 - Japan

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

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By Anonyme - 10/6/2011 23:07 - France

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, I was alone with a work acquaintance at lunch. A noise came from his pocket; he whipped out his iPod Touch and said "Sorry, I have to take this," before walking away with the iPod to his ear. Not only did he not want to talk to me, he thought I was stupid enough to confuse an iPod with a phone. FML

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By preggo eggo - 30/11/2017 16:00

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Today, after months of my fiancé begging me to have a baby with him, I found out I’m pregnant. He doesn’t want a baby anymore. FML

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By amiezingme - 26/7/2013 13:09 - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

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By Random - 31/1/2012 14:41 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I walked into the ladies restroom and was shocked to see the guy I've had a huge crush on for two years. Peeing. In the sink. FML

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By eat my fucking ass, boss - 6/12/2013 23:37 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a customer threatened to come back later and shoot the whole place up. Why? I didn't give him a discount on his beer. My boss's reaction when I called the police: "Why didn't you give him the discount?!" Last week he bitched me out for letting a girl off for being a few cents short on hers. FML

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By Username - 19/10/2010 15:24 - France

Today, my boss told me that I'd confessed my love to him last night when he'd held my hair back as I puked. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 17:59 - Northern Mariana Islands - Saipan

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

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By Smoothskin - 19/9/2013 21:18 - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I shaved my face after several months of growth. This would be OK if my 4-year-old daughter would still talk to me. Apparently she doesn't recognise me, and I'm scary. FML

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By gpistas - 23/5/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

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By UnicornWaffles - 24/10/2016 01:38 - United States - Wooster

Today, I saw the guy I've been seeing passing by my dorm. I called out to him, but he covered his ears and crossed the street. Well, at least I have ice cream in my fridge. FML

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By joeshmoe - 15/1/2012 12:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

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By Ashleighx94 - 5/7/2011 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

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By broke - 9/7/2016 07:36

Today, just like the past 2 weeks, I'm so broke that I only got to eat dinner because I went on a first date with a guy from Tinder. FML

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By fatty - 23/1/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

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By Missyangel - 31/12/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

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By terpity12 - 7/8/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 01:08 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

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By EpicBunBun - 10/5/2017 18:00

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, I thought he went to change the music on his phone. He had stopped mid-action just to check sports scores. FML

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By wowie - 21/10/2019 20:00

Rebel without a cause.

Today, my ex threatened to not return my things that she still has. She even went on to say she will burn them, because she hates me and I "broke her heart". Not only has it been over half a year since we broke up, but she was the one who broke up with me. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By NoJob - 24/9/2016 06:41 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

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By really? - 1/9/2015 19:43 - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 01:07 - United States - Bend

Today, on my first ski run down a mountain, I dislocated my patella. Now I get to watch out of the window as my family builds a snowman and names it after me. FML

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By MLS - 14/2/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

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By Ad-s - 14/1/2009 05:01 - France

Today, I got together with a small gathering of friends in a bar. I go up to the bar to order something, but with all the music and noise, the barman can't hear what I'm trying to say, so he leans forward, cocking his ear towards me. For some reason, I thought he was being friendly so I kissed him as if we were saying hello to each other. FML

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By graham - 11/1/2020 14:00

Very mean

Today, my first time meeting my girlfriend's dad ended with him chasing me from his house and trying to hit me with a baseball bat. FML

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By d0pey - 20/2/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

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By lilou - 3/1/2009 01:22 - France

Today, at 7 in the morning, I end up outside in a night dress, with bare feet and in the rain. I've just found out that my two year old son now knows how to close the patio door, which of course, has no outside door handle. FML

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By sneezer - 30/12/2009 04:54 - France

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

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By faza4327 - 6/4/2011 07:43 - Australia

Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML

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Top comments

By jaylinquent | 0

#791031 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:43

maybe she screamed because it was too small

By JoshTheMaggot | 8

#790955 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:06

Ydi that is soo funny. but don't do that crap in her moms house. what if she walled in on you taking the pic.

COMMENTS

By Dopeyrox | 0

#790951 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:05

y would ur gf want ur little dick as her background anyway??

c00lsk8erboi | 7

#1202396 - Saturday 7 August 2010 6:31

what does comment moderated mean?

By JoshTheMaggot | 8

#790955 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:06

Ydi that is soo funny. but don't do that crap in her moms house. what if she walled in on you taking the pic.

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#790960 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:08

damn it my first has been stolen sorry

afarr | 0

#792240 - Saturday 23 January 2010 2:25

why? shawie?

pipp360 | 0

#792642 - Saturday 23 January 2010 6:10

she was shrieking out of laughter because his package is so tiny

Bananaaa_fml | 0

#792976 - Saturday 23 January 2010 12:19

hahahahaha

cindebaby | 0

#815295 - Monday 1 February 2010 11:34

lmfao

fmlbtard | 0

#2387097 - Friday 22 April 2011 7:12

lolol american pie 5 naked mile.. took a shit in llaundry

By MoonyIce | 0

#790956 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:06

Wow. That's tasteless, no matter WHO it was going to. YDI for thinking your girlfriend would want that or think it was funny.

kittykat52810 | 0

#1786511 - Friday 3 December 2010 3:55

how do u know it wasn't humor, just cause you would get mad doesn't mean she would, still ydi

lilemmy55 | 10

#3434005 - Saturday 15 October 2011 4:23

I would actually enjoy it... But thats just me :3

By anela_fml | 0

#790976 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:13

I hope they beat you

imjustbeth | 0

#819882 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 1:34

hahahhaah for sure.

By GreenDayRHCP | 0

#790991 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:22

You Definitely Deserved it.

By RageYDI | 0

#790992 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:22

she secretly loved it.

razorp | 0

#791021 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:36

her mom saved the pic huh!

By jaylinquent | 0

#791031 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:43

maybe she screamed because it was too small

Metallica139 | 0

#792181 - Saturday 23 January 2010 2:01

lol

bmxx | 0

#1316399 - Sunday 29 August 2010 10:38

no if it was too small she woulda laughed, so it had to be like a foot or more long which made her scream

By bhangu023 | 0

#791032 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:44

maby she was just shocked cuz it was so small

EMTchic | 14

#4896718 - Wednesday 5 September 2012 1:06

You're a little bit late with that one . . .

By LittleMissNaught | 0

#791070 - Friday 22 January 2010 17:06

I would be more worried about when she gets over the shock/surprise/nausea? and forwards it to all her mates!!!! (and she will)

By erjaguam | 0

#791082 - Friday 22 January 2010 17:12

SAD!

this is funny though.

my boyfriend did the same thing to me except he used his own phone and showed me his pictures.

but you lol! you knew they have the same phone.

YDI