Love: Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved...

By BaldingQuick - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

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Love

Our house, in the middle of our street

Very fishy

Great guy

By elaine - 2/2/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Are you a wizard?

Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

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313

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By savanna - United States

Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. 30 minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML

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34232

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By what the fuck, mate - Australia

Today, I started working my crappy, minimum-wage retail job at a local electronics store. An hour into my shift, my boss sent me to scrub out a discount bin, after some drunk cunt in his teens staggered into the place yelling, and puked his guts into it. What a life. FML

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By cocokiss410 - United States

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

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31580

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By DDD - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

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Today, I inadvertently gave passers by the middle finger as I tried to stop my glasses from sliding off my face. FML

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6108

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By not funny but :( - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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23167

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By Lindsey Taul - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

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4130

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By Shelly - United States

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

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25036

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed me divorce papers. FML

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49998

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

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27604

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By clu - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

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By SadMan - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. Turns out they are firing 35 people. I wasn't on the list until I asked for a raise. FML

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32343

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By Anonymous

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

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4543

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 10:58

Big boss man

Today, I have a doctor’s note confirming that I'm high risk for Covid and should only work from home. My boss still demands I come to the office, even though the only person I meet there is the guy who sterilizes the door handles. FML

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788

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By Need To Bathe In Deodorant - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML

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10777

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By gudmarjoh - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

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By rybread - United States

Today, I was on a crowded el train listening to my iPod touch. As I stepped off the train, my headphones got caught on a man's jacket and my iPod fell on the floor. The doors shut. I then watched the train pull away. With my iPod on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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6414

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to run an errand while my parents helped unpack boxes in my new house. When I returned, my dad said to me, "I wasn't going to say anything, but we 'did it.' I'll let you figure out which room". FML

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26964

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By Anonymous

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Szeged

Today, while at church, I received a text from my girlfriend, saying, "It's not working. We're over." Not only was my phone not on silent mode, I was sitting directly beside my now ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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9763

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By Notthekeytosuccess

Today, I broke my key unlocking my dorm room. When I pushed the door open in frustration, the door opened with no problem. Turns out it was unlocked. FML

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3535

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By Michael - 5/2/2021 21:30 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Give me strength

Today, I wanted to clean my house. Of course the vacuum cleaner got stuck behind furniture multiple times. After the fifth time or so, I gave it a good pull. Now my vacuum cleaner is broken and the socket is off the wall. FML

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280

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

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By purplepixie23

Today, it's -5°C outside and snowing and it's only September. If that wasn’t bad enough, we aren't allowed to have the heat on at work due to a menopausal monster who loses her shit and throws things if we turn it on. I can't feel my toes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Langley

Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I enthusiastically pointed his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML

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By inthefamily - United States - Washington

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

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By Dan V - United States - Troy

Today, I found out my co-worker had made plans for a night out, just as I'd cancelled all of mine to work with him on a project for the next 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blue Earth

Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML

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48326

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By psychobunnycutie - 29/1/2021 14:02

Cut her off

Today, my mom messaged me and was acting weird, we don't have a real relationship. Turns out, she wanted to tell me to stop posting selfies because "it's making her feel bad about her appearance." The worst part? She said, "My husband likes you more than me sexually." That's your big concern? FML

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953

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By bronzemedal97 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

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48500

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By stupid_airbag - Australia

Today, the air bag system in my car somehow malfunctioned, and the air bag inflated while I was driving, causing me to lose control and crash into a street light. I ended up with a badly bruised face because the air bag had already deflated by then. FML

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28832

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By tomedicalforlove

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

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By Queensland - Australia

Today, I woke up to find "Fuck you, Harry" painted on my car. Harry's my neighbour. FML

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By foxytheologian

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

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5321

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Top comments

By TruckerGustav | 0

#818729 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:05

She only wants you for your looks... what a bitch. Luckily you saved your money.

By Cthulu | 0

#818746 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:10

You can use the money you saved on her birthday to buy hair regrowing products. Then get a new girfriend and make sure your ex sees the her and your rich, thick, lush new head of hair.

COMMENTS

By TruckerGustav | 0

#818729 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:05

She only wants you for your looks... what a bitch. Luckily you saved your money.

Enoch134 | 0

#818832 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:59

lol I think he spent the cash on her

crailboyne | 0

#819334 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 21:42

well what if it was the other way around...would u want your girlfriend balding faster than ur dad?

jessxoxo28 | 5

#819443 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 22:43

but its still not a good reason to break up. pretty bitchy actually. 'cause she's only going for the looks.

cbubba008 | 0

#819795 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 0:54

her friends are prob as shallow as her so with get with her best friend and leave the wreckage behind as ur bald head walks away

mcgugs | 0

#820450 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 4:00

@62: I concur, in fact I personally think that she was merely looking for any excuse to break up w/ him

toxic10uhc | 0

#823777 - Thursday 4 February 2010 5:04

stop doing weed and your hair won't fall out *koff koff*

By 050294 | 0

#818734 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:06

What an evil woman!

Missy612 | 14

#4474635 - Thursday 24 May 2012 2:57

MWAA HAA HAA that's How we roll;)

funneh1 | 21

#6463146 - Monday 16 November 2015 22:46

No, that is not how we roll.

By Anteezy | 7

#818735 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:07

At least you still got the money.

DonkeyDelight | 0

#819740 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 0:37

I laugh at your icon everytime. I'm just incredibly immature ; )

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#818742 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:09

Enjoy your weekend alone, try not to waste too much money on whores.

By Cthulu | 0

#818746 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:10

You can use the money you saved on her birthday to buy hair regrowing products. Then get a new girfriend and make sure your ex sees the her and your rich, thick, lush new head of hair.

MXavierT | 0

#819453 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 22:48

you just won an internets.

Puls3ofth3maggot | 0

#823667 - Thursday 4 February 2010 4:32

lol until it grows too fast into a mullet... then he fails

By roadie42 | 21

#818750 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:11

yeah, good thing you didn't spend the money on her yet. shallow bitch.

By TruckerGustav | 0

#818752 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:12

Yeah Piccard FTW!

By erjaguam | 0

#818754 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:13

uh yeah

By peko | 0

#818755 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:13

Don't be so upset bro!
Think about happy side!

You are free man now!

By jammin24 | 0

#818762 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:17

to hell with her... you have the money