Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved...

By BaldingQuick - 2/2/2010 07:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

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Love

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Goodbye Bill

Insane parents

By love4cheese1197 - 2/8/2019 20:00

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

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By tarynfaye - 21/12/2011 11:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I gave each other early Christmas gifts. I gave him a basketball signed by his favorite player, which took me forever to find. He got me diet pills. FML

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By fatman - 10/8/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, my mom signed me up for Weight Watchers as a surprise birthday present. FML

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By blahblah493 - 26/5/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

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By period_probs - 16/12/2014 01:23 - United States - King George

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

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By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2009 16:09 - United States

Right place, wrong time

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML

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By who_cares - 9/7/2015 11:20 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

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By so romantic - 12/11/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day. But I want to date some other girls first." FML

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By GonnaBeLonley2night - 13/9/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

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By oww - 15/11/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 05:00

What?

Today, I found out that my hearing is average for a 60-year-old. I'm 30. FML

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By Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III - 14/6/2015 13:41 - United States - Jersey Shore

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

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By whasian - 21/9/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

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By andrie09 - 7/7/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

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By brokenrelicslost - 8/1/2010 20:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have completely fallen for this incredible guy, and that I am really looking forward to where our relationship will take us. He just informed me that he will be doing jail time following his court date Tuesday. FML

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By smarter than a mollusk, skinner than a hippo - 10/11/2010 17:33 - United States

Today, a girl who has had a problem with me for as long as I can remember, tagged me in a Facebook status update in which she equated my intelligence to that of a mollusk and equated my weight to that of a hippopotamus. My boyfriend, as well as several of my "friends," liked it. FML

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By annoyed - 24/9/2017 01:30

Today, I received an email from my insurance company about a claim that happened over a month ago when I hit someone from behind. I was very apologetic and stated it was my fault, and now they're trying to claim replacement vehicle costs. I was going under 10mph and their car only had a scratch. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 08:14 - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I like recommended I buy this computer game. Wanting to impress him, I agreed. Turns out it was a joke. I am now the proud owner of Microsoft Train Simulator 2005, and he can't stop laughing. FML

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By benander - 15/9/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

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By anonymous - 20/6/2012 14:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was so out of it from a lack of sleep and an accidental antihistamine overdose, I tried to offer my cat a cup of tea, and actually got pissed off when he didn't reply. It took me a good five minutes to understand what just happened. FML

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By Mrs. Teacher - 18/9/2012 00:21 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I collected my students' notes in class to check them. One girl, who is always drawing weird anime crap in her sketchbook, turned in just one piece of paper that read, "FUCK YOUR CLASS." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

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By ciotter - 8/1/2011 08:57 - United States

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

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By hockusa3 - 11/9/2014 15:44 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

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By Stepheroni - 13/4/2017 18:00

Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump was on my back, and if it was cancer. He told me it was the biggest pimple he'd ever seen. FML

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By Ouch - 10/10/2019 02:00 - Serbia

Mommy's favorite flower

Today, I learned how it feels when you fall off a second floor balcony with mom's flower pot then landing on your back. My mom got pissed because of her beloved flowers, and gave me a lecture while I rolled on the ground in pain. FML

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By pierced. - 25/6/2014 04:29 - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

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By save the koalas? uhh - 8/4/2013 14:08 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, our guest lecturer told us to imagine 25,000 dead koalas in our lecture theatre, and if that didn't make us emotional then we didn't care about them. She then went on a rant, during which she encouraged us to join the "koala army". FML

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By Igor - 19/12/2012 05:16 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

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By child of a crazed women - 7/4/2013 09:19 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 12:49 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By Snails - 12/6/2019 20:00

Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML

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By Bad Mother - 8/10/2015 11:53 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML

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By El Camino - 25/11/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Park City

Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML

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By Rob - 16/10/2009 01:59 - France

Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said "Have fun!" FML

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By Bad Mum? - 31/3/2019 23:00 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my eldest son told me he wishes he lived with his dad. This after I, two years ago, managed to get myself and my children out of the abusive situation we were in. Why? He didn't want to tidy his toys. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 21:35 - Sweden - Staffanstorp

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

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By Redhairchick - 6/11/2016 07:08

Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML

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Top comments

By TruckerGustav | 0

#818729 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:05

She only wants you for your looks... what a bitch. Luckily you saved your money.

By Cthulu | 0

#818746 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:10

You can use the money you saved on her birthday to buy hair regrowing products. Then get a new girfriend and make sure your ex sees the her and your rich, thick, lush new head of hair.

COMMENTS

By TruckerGustav | 0

#818729 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:05

She only wants you for your looks... what a bitch. Luckily you saved your money.

Enoch134 | 0

#818832 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:59

lol I think he spent the cash on her

crailboyne | 0

#819334 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 21:42

well what if it was the other way around...would u want your girlfriend balding faster than ur dad?

jessxoxo28 | 5

#819443 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 22:43

but its still not a good reason to break up. pretty bitchy actually. 'cause she's only going for the looks.

cbubba008 | 0

#819795 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 0:54

her friends are prob as shallow as her so with get with her best friend and leave the wreckage behind as ur bald head walks away

mcgugs | 0

#820450 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 4:00

@62: I concur, in fact I personally think that she was merely looking for any excuse to break up w/ him

toxic10uhc | 0

#823777 - Thursday 4 February 2010 5:04

stop doing weed and your hair won't fall out *koff koff*

By 050294 | 0

#818734 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:06

What an evil woman!

Missy612 | 14

#4474635 - Thursday 24 May 2012 2:57

MWAA HAA HAA that's How we roll;)

funneh1 | 21

#6463146 - Monday 16 November 2015 22:46

No, that is not how we roll.

By Anteezy | 7

#818735 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:07

At least you still got the money.

DonkeyDelight | 0

#819740 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 0:37

I laugh at your icon everytime. I'm just incredibly immature ; )

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#818742 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:09

Enjoy your weekend alone, try not to waste too much money on whores.

By Cthulu | 0

#818746 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:10

You can use the money you saved on her birthday to buy hair regrowing products. Then get a new girfriend and make sure your ex sees the her and your rich, thick, lush new head of hair.

MXavierT | 0

#819453 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 22:48

you just won an internets.

Puls3ofth3maggot | 0

#823667 - Thursday 4 February 2010 4:32

lol until it grows too fast into a mullet... then he fails

By roadie42 | 21

#818750 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:11

yeah, good thing you didn't spend the money on her yet. shallow bitch.

By TruckerGustav | 0

#818752 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:12

Yeah Piccard FTW!

By erjaguam | 0

#818754 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:13

uh yeah

By peko | 0

#818755 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:13

Don't be so upset bro!
Think about happy side!

You are free man now!

By jammin24 | 0

#818762 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:17

to hell with her... you have the money