Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date... - FML

By Not Jewish - 2/3/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

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Caught red-handed

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By BirdBrain - 14/12/2017 19:00

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2016 16:27 - United States - Bedford

Today, I was working out and doing box jumps. My friend thought it would be funny to kick the box aside as I tried to jump onto it. Now I have 2 broken teeth. FML

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By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - 1/9/2013 20:04 - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

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By sausages - 17/1/2014 20:56 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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By Scared4Lf - 19/8/2016 18:10 - United States - Lamoure

Today, I was awoken by my grandparents making love, as they shook the camper in which my cousin and I were sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 03:37 - United States

Today, I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. FML

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By UkuleleTime - 10/6/2015 05:25 - United States - Garner

Today, I worked in a shoe store. As I was removing the shoes off an older man I felt a squish, and pulled back my hand to see brown and yellow. The man then looked at me and said, "Looks like I missed a spot." Dog crap. FML

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By goodbyediet - 30/1/2015 11:00 - United Kingdom - Accrington

Today, I bought a small tub of coconut pieces in a bid to eat healthier snacks at work. I noticed that the chunks were a bit slimy, but thought nothing of it and kept eating. It wasn't until I reached the final few pieces that I noticed a huge black slug crawling across the bottom of the tub. FML

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By RB84 - 22/4/2017 02:00

Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML

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By btswc - 21/5/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

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By Jon - 7/7/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I hit a horrible tee shot from the 18th hole. I decided to use my driver to take my frustration out on a nearby bush. The bees who lived in that bush decided to use their stingers to take out their frustration up inside my golf shorts. FML

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By jsalmons - 2/6/2011 17:39 - Germany

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By iLikeMyLegs - 9/5/2013 23:18 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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By markderanjer - 4/11/2012 00:37 - United Kingdom - Ealing

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

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By Sandra - 18/2/2009 14:15 - Ireland

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 22:00 - United States - Athens

Close, but no cigar

Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML

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By thisguy - 8/10/2013 09:55 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

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By teebs - 14/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Leandro

Long wait

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?" FML

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By erpuchi - 1/12/2010 01:52 - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2012 04:59 - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

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By cookscatastrophy - 8/12/2009 08:19 - United States

Today, in aerobics, while stretching, my friend leaned over to pull the long hair off my pants. It was my pubic hair sticking through my pants, and I screamed. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 13:03 - United States

Today, I was supposed to present a speech on diabetes. The girl who went first chose the same subject, knowing I'm diabetic and that it was my topic. I went last, so I had to change half of my speech on the spot. I sounded ignorant about my own illness. FML

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By noeducation - 27/8/2009 09:16 - Canada

Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML

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By hfksorws - 8/10/2010 01:57 - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

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By Alissa - 29/6/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I'd give him head one last time before he left. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

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By NoHipster - 3/6/2020 05:02

Crazy people

Today, while I was waiting for a bus, a nutjob-looking dude walked up to me, then hissed, "You hipster scum, you don't even need those glasses," before forcibly removing them and snapping them in half. I was wearing regular clothes, and those prescription glasses cost me $500. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend of 2 weeks home to meet my mom and she started talking about how she really wants a lot of grand-kids. He called 2 hours later and broke up with me. FML

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By SakuraBreeze - 26/9/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML

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By single once again - 7/10/2015 07:41 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has an account on a sex hookup site. He said it has "interesting articles" and that he'd completed his profile and listed his sexual preferences out of boredom. When I told him to sign in and prove he hadn't been messaging girls, he refused and called me paranoid. FML

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By innocent72 - 19/11/2013 21:07 - United States - Canonsburg

Today, I had an interview scheduled for 10:05. When I got there, someone was talking to them, so I sat down to wait. Little did I know this wait would be 45 minutes. I got told to go home and that I'd be rescheduled. FML

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By JennaMarie - 26/7/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

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By WhatTheF - 11/7/2016 05:42

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

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By cole66 - 29/11/2015 18:43 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

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By abbyleigh08 - 17/2/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

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By Robert - 1/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By zuut - 18/1/2009 05:22 - Australia

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

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Top comments

By Jaywin | 3

#11016 - Monday 2 March 2009 16:31

I dated a white girl with a racist father (I'm a half black half Asian). We just dealt with it and eventually he just kind've lightened up. Just keep at it and it'll get better.

Although this girl did cheat on me after a 2-year long relationship so....yeah....

By Idyedmyhairblack | 0

#11075 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:18

dont worry.... im pretty sure most jewish parents say that.. i know mine do.

Comments

By Jaywin | 3

#11016 - Monday 2 March 2009 16:31

I dated a white girl with a racist father (I'm a half black half Asian). We just dealt with it and eventually he just kind've lightened up. Just keep at it and it'll get better.

Although this girl did cheat on me after a 2-year long relationship so....yeah....

By Kiebland | 0

#11036 - Monday 2 March 2009 16:52

Don't worry about it.

By acmocaco | 0

#11039 - Monday 2 March 2009 16:55

lucky for you there aren't any

By sahreeg | 0

#11042 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:00

#3 ON THE SPOT

By yougotboyed | 0

#11048 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:05

make a rabbi joke, work for me

By snowman2684 | 1

#11052 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:08

#3 is my new hero

By cobrastarshipluv_fml | 0

#11056 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:09

1, it's not racist, but she definitely should not have been so blunt about it, especially in front of your face
3,4 racists much? i'm jewish and i know many many good jewish boys. so i would call you racists.

By allie2590 | 30

#11065 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:12

It sucks that she would say that in front of you, but just keep at it, and she'll eventually lighten up. Everyone starts out prejudiced in some way. Some people are just more vocal about it than others.

By Idyedmyhairblack | 0

#11075 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:18

dont worry.... im pretty sure most jewish parents say that.. i know mine do.

By acc093 | 0

#11081 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:27

aw man, im sorry. its alright though most of my jewish friends' moms are like that.

#7, technically none of this is racist because judaism isnt its own race