Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to... - FML

By pinkplasticjesus - 20/6/2009 03:17 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2019 16:35 - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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By Shan007tjuuh - 6/3/2012 08:57 - Netherlands

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

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By believe me now?? - 22/1/2016 20:55 - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, my girlfriend read an FML by some guy about fight he had with his nutjob of a girlfriend. It was so bizarrely similar to a fight we had recently that she accused me of not having any balls and bitching about her to strangers. It wasn't even my story. FML

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By disturbed - 10/5/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended at a stoplight by a woman who had been doing her make-up while driving. She didn't get out to see if I was okay until she had finished perfectly applying both lipliner and gloss. FML

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By Exil - 24/6/2015 22:18 - United States

Today, I had to call patients that we hadn't seen in a long time. Most of them were dead. FML

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By burrito kid - 17/12/2016 06:56 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, as I was taking the driver's test to get my license, I backed into a car. It belonged to the instructor sitting in my passenger seat. FML

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By jamiedevin - 6/11/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I was feeling really sick when I was with my boyfriend at the park. When we were walking, I got really dizzy and collapsed. My boyfriend didn't catch me. His mom took me to the hospital. While I was being poked with needles, he was at home playing COD. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 16:21 - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

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By workaholic - 17/11/2010 07:34

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By nuttedthefout - 28/4/2011 13:16

Today, I bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary. He bought me a jar of Nutella. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML

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By itsdezzz - 9/3/2016 23:43 - United States - Hatfield

Today, I noticed a customer looking for expired products in hopes of receiving a coupon from my store. I told them to let me know if they found anything. They promptly began following me around, telling me how to do my job, only to later file a complaint saying that I was harassing them. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I listened as my ridiculously wealthy friend excitedly rambled on and on about her latest shopping trip. This is the same friend who owes me £150, and accused me of being insensitive for asking her to repay it at some point. FML

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By Username - 6/11/2010 17:58 - France

Today, at my cousin's baby shower, there was a discussion on what to name the baby. When the name Jacqueline was brought up, I made a face and exclaimed, "Ugh, I hate that name!" I was then informed that's the name of my cousin's mother-in-law. She definitely heard me. FML

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By anon - 15/9/2012 05:35 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML

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By Whoops - 20/10/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

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By Sickinbed - 7/6/2011 10:27 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

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By Kit2019 - 23/7/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I got overly excited because someone texted me, but then realized that moments before, I had sent myself a message. FML

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By Creepedout - 19/11/2015 03:26 - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By - 27/2/2019 20:00

Today, one of the customers at work shat all down the side of the toilet and on the floor. They didn’t even try to make it in the bowl. Guess who had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 19:00

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

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By someoneelsessaliva - 5/6/2010 06:59 - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

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By Never Work With Animals or Children - 26/5/2012 11:06 - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I ran out of the house after my dog, tripped and knocked myself out on the railing by the front step. I woke up to my little brother lifting up the back of my dress for the neighborhood to see. FML

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By marymark - 13/4/2012 01:02 - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

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By Acne_problems - 22/2/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 18:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

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By Bee - 8/6/2011 00:13 - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2019 12:00

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 10:14 - China

Today, I was in a restaurant with my fiancée for dinner. I commented that she had some food around her mouth. She responded with a lecture, then by throwing her hot bowl of noodles at me, before stomping out the restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2014 18:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

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By oxjessiiox - 11/10/2009 15:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

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By Nicole - 13/3/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2014 16:59 - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

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By random875 - 7/1/2015 06:03 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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By NoThanks - 24/8/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

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By denae92 - 4/10/2019 04:00

Great timing

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend that I love him. We've been dating almost a year and in a few days we will be moving into the same apartment building and attending the same college. He said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way." FML

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By wat_dafuq_bro - 6/5/2013 06:06

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

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Top comments

By blkmagick | 0

#323165 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:39

Honestly, YDI because you need to pay more attention to the prices of what you're going to eat.

By azeem | 0

#323168 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:40

Lol why would you tip before you paid for your bill
and second why would you tip at a fast food place .

COMMENTS

By riku3220 | 2

#323157 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:36

I know how that feels.

Reply

lexilovesyou | 0

#324524 - Saturday 20 June 2009 21:12

Me too. Ive done it at Starbucks Lol. Embarrassingg. I always leave the tip after I get my change back.

Reply

justsignedup | 0

#327796 - Sunday 21 June 2009 23:17

Learn to read prices.

???

Reply

ceddyz17 | 10

#2304978 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 19:19

been there done that

By blkmagick | 0

#323165 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:39

Honestly, YDI because you need to pay more attention to the prices of what you're going to eat.

Reply

armageddillo | 0

#330693 - Monday 22 June 2009 18:51

Agreed, especially if you're going to a restaurant, tax isn't hard to estimate and you should probably make sure you have a couple dollars extra. FYL for having to pull out the tip but YDI for going to a restaurant and not checking prices and your wallet.

Reply

Zanquis | 22

#7385932 - Tuesday 10 January 2017 9:56

While it is silly to throw in a tip before you pay (the service isn't finished yet).

I can only excuse OP for some places only advertise prices without Tax, making it sometimes a bit guessing what the price would be in the end.

By azeem | 0

#323168 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:40

Lol why would you tip before you paid for your bill
and second why would you tip at a fast food place .

Reply

rmujerita | 0

#323281 - Saturday 20 June 2009 10:40

he never said it was a fast food place dummy

Reply

alexcanttell | 0

#324445 - Saturday 20 June 2009 20:40

yeah, idiot..where did you get that idea?

Reply

ifmlftw | 0

#2212933 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:03

azeem is too poor to go to actual restaurants so fast food is a he knows

Reply

JBChristian | 46

#6677516 - Wednesday 24 August 2016 22:20

I've never been to a fast food where you eat first and pay after. So I'm pretty sure it's sensible to say it wasn't fast food.

Reply

Zanquis | 22

#7385933 - Tuesday 10 January 2017 9:58

Which fast food would allow you to pay after your meal?
Obviously not a fast food place as they be out of business fast.

By 24788 | 6

#323169 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:40

You should always tip after you've paid.

Reply

xoxolovemexoxo | 0

#1140921 - Monday 26 July 2010 4:29

yes alwayys

By Cali_Chick | 0

#323184 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:44

Yeah...next time wait until you get your bill before you leave a tip! YDI, sorry.

By neverland_fml | 0

#323187 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:46

And that's why you tip AFTER you pay. :3

Reply

yayitsmeh | 0

#323319 - Saturday 20 June 2009 11:03

this man's a genius

By Logica42 | 0

#323197 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:49

Pay more attention to prices? YDI... but FYL for the glares and black marks you probably got for taking back your tip. ...wait, no. YDI, period.

Edit: Hey, cool, #8.

By jewelzgalore | 0

#323204 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:51

Lol, you look like a cheap bastard. I hate it when that happens.

By brycereid | 0

#323208 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:53

Haha, YDI for not making sure you had enough money to tip in the first place.

By wbrycem | 0

#323223 - Saturday 20 June 2009 9:59

Dude, that is so embarrassing. I hate when I don't leave a tip after good service, and have to explain to them that I have no money. So embarrassing. You must never have been broke before