Valentine's slay, Looking good and Health: Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was... - FML

By inthefamily - United States - Washington

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

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Valentine's slay

Life of Brian

Thanks, Marley

The one with the asshole friend

By Anonymous - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 20:04

Generosity

Today, my granny died. My aunt wants to throw away all her books and furniture. When I offered to take care of selling it, or giving it away, like granny would have wanted, my aunt said she would let me "keep a percentage" of the few bucks I’d get for my troubles. FML

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By acab93 - United States

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

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By the other man - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

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By Sapphire Mills

Today, it's my 2-year wedding anniversary. It also marks 2 years since my wife told me, "We're married now we don't need to have sex anymore." FML

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By conductingfromthegrave - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out, I had to pick up my brother when his truck died in the mountains, on a dirt road. He was drunk. I now have a car covered in mud and filled with vomit. FML

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By kqwarrior - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a 5 minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML

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By Kat - France

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

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By Eric Ngan - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

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By Potato_Lord - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

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By stagedivefail - Australia

RAWK N ROLL!!!

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML

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By fml1977 - United States

Honest

Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML

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By wtf

Get out

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my phone there and had got a text from a guy saying, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By Phazzer - United States

Today, I went outside to enjoy the cool air without my glasses. I saw my neighbor doing the same, so I waved and said hi. When she didn't respond, I yelled and went back inside. It was only later when I went back out with my glasses on that I realized I was being ignored by a Halloween decoration. FML

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By Innocent - New Zealand

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

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By lisa - Australia - Kensington

Today, my sister accused me of "leading on" her creepy best friend and said I should apologize to him for making him think he was going to get lucky. I haven't talked to the guy in over 5 years, except for one random encounter 2 days ago, where all I said was, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By KS - United States

Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML

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By mr.nobody - Cyprus

Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

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By confused - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

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By doggone - United States

Today, I went to a pet store to adopt a dog. I got a medium sized lab, a dog crate, and a few toys, then put his crate in the back of my truck and the dog in his crate. On the way home I realized I forgot dog bowls and some dog food. I went back, and when I got back out to my truck, my dog was gone. My stereo too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my house was broken into. I'm really poor and don't have a television or nice clothing, so they just dumped my trash all over the house and stole my one loaf of bread that was supposed to last me for the week. FML

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By laundryduty

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

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By not paid enough - United States - Antioch

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

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By HelpPlease - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 17:01

Damn squares!

Today, I went for a job interview and was rejected for having a 'visible' tattoo. It's white ink, so you can't see it unless you look super closely. The only reason they knew about it was because I was honest and mentioned it when asked if I had any tattoos. I guess honesty is not the best policy. FML

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By Anonymous

(facepalm)

Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML

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By lazydude - 17/3/2021 11:01

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

Today, I got hired and now I have to work. FML

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By slapstick1982 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Double dipping

Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML

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By amber - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my boyfriend gave me acne cream for my birthday. FML

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By bear - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

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By Nicoleanne

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

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By ForgottenKid - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

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Top comments

By Hidur | 10

#5072843 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:01

Sounds like someone never even taught you to be polite

By twinny_sc | 13

#5072868 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:06

Seems like you don't know much about his family either so what are you so pissed about?

COMMENTS

By kyleekay | 25

#5072836 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:01

Regardless of the dementia bit, you sound like a whiny bitch.

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#5072861 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:04

Hey, that wasn't nice!

By Hidur | 10

#5072843 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:01

Sounds like someone never even taught you to be polite

Reply

geon_olam | 17

#5072934 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5073026 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:37

16/ and what if I WAS a flying green monkey that sang mariachi songs? I'm not but, just sayin..

Reply

geon_olam | 17

#5073099 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:59

25 I'd be very impressed at your language skills.

Reply

IQWasJustLowered | 0

#5073258 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 21:00

I don't know according to Vsauce we are all the centers of the universe.

Reply

LolFMLnot | 10

#5075215 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 8:15

More like you don't know his family very well yet.

Reply

kennaem1 | 11

#5078113 - Thursday 25 October 2012 1:14

I feel like commenting that I had a frog like the one I. Your picture

By teague95 | 16

#5072847 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:02

still you didn't need to be so snappy. maybe this is another PMS Fml

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5073169 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 20:27

It sounds like it. It is that time for many girls now.

Reply

TotallyAradical | 14

#5073219 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 20:45

Not for me.

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5073266 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 21:04

Thank you for sharing 40...

Reply

LollipopDragon | 4

#5073432 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 22:12

I like to think I'm crispy nice when on my period.

Reply

LollipopDragon | 4

#5073434 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 22:14

That should definitely say 'actually very' and not crispy...

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5073755 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 23:24

I actually like the typo. You have inadvertently created a new form of being nice mixed with minor rudeness. I shall be using the new phrase 'Crispy nice'!

Reply

LollipopDragon | 4

#5079098 - Thursday 25 October 2012 7:15

Idk, crispy freaks me out. It's like the word moist. Makes me cringe :/

By guitarbeast | 22

#5072854 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:03

Well assuming they never told you, you're not an asshole, but you did overreact for sure . And if they did tell you, then you may need to get your self checked for dementia

Reply

Chanti_fml | 26

#5073049 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:43

Well seems to me that OP needs to stop bitching about the family not knowing him. Apparently he doesn't know the family all that good either, or else he would've known that about the girlfriends stepfather.

Reply

eggmarie | 25

#5073074 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:53

30: you do realize OP is a girl, right?

Reply

SevenMillionTons | 4

#5073222 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 20:45

I wonder if she's repeatedly told her fiancées step-dad that she doesn't teach. It could explain why she thinks it sucks.

Reply

loloalltheway | 23

#5073264 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 21:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5073347 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 21:28

father-in-law, not step-father.

Reply

wolfhausen | 7

#5073453 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 22:24

Oh wait I thumbed you up, then realized he is the fiancées step father! It says it twice.. How did we miss that?

Reply

loloalltheway | 23

#5073864 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 23:48

Oh sorry, *father-in-law.

By lilhellian | 26

#5072866 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:05

Op never make your in-laws mad at you before the wedding.

By twinny_sc | 13

#5072868 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:06

Seems like you don't know much about his family either so what are you so pissed about?

Reply

dhenri | 9

#5072954 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:18

Burn

Reply

NeDaroft | 5

#5074563 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 3:17

Tsss

Reply

PhishloverA | 14

#5078028 - Thursday 25 October 2012 1:02

#7 your picture is hilarious

Reply

crystalxa | 35

#5932882 - Friday 2 May 2014 17:22

I agree. Talk about knowing eachothers family!

Reply

zeffra13 | 31

#6673075 - Wednesday 17 August 2016 3:06

Most people are really private about mental disease, so it's entirely possible they never mentioned to her that he has dementia. The FML implies she wasn't aware of it.

By kyleekay | 25

#5072870 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:06

Hopefully you aplogized, OP. Dementia or not, your reaction to your fiance's stepfather was quite rude.

By BeccaHugs | 17

#5072872 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:06

Seems like your the one that doesn't know his family at all.

Reply

EnigmaThe321 | 12

#5074870 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 5:22

*you're

By Demonfish | 14

#5072873 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:07

Have you been told this little nugget of information before OP? If yes, then yes you were asking for it, if no, then, ah well, shit happens. But I'm not really seeing the need for the "bitter complaint".

By Cbizzlez | 10

#5072881 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 19:07

Most people try to make their in-laws like them....overreacted a bit OP