Work: Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience...

By Anonymous - 23/03/2012 21:46 - United States - Kingman

Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience I have is a month in retail and a summer spent in a kitchen de-pooping shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 679

You deserved it 4 085

Work

Stop talking!

Thanks guys

Facebook's moderation sucks

To each their own

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 18:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, taking a piss still gives me more pleasure than masturbation or sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 625

You deserved it 259

By Anonymous - 06/09/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 161

You deserved it 268

By RIP iPhone - 26/02/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I was using my flashlight app in the driveway to avoid stepping in puddles, as my new shoes are untreated suede. I dropped my phone in the puddle instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 504

You deserved it 2 004

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 20:34 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my 24-year-old brother again yelled at me for looking at him while he was on the toilet. It'd be easier not to if he didn't sit on the toilet with the door wide open, and if the bathroom wasn't directly opposite my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 746

You deserved it 3 637

By dumb - 02/06/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 924

You deserved it 25 572

Genius

By Anonymous - 25/04/2014 21:42 - United States - Red Bank

Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am NOT a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 455

You deserved it 14 325

By sexisdead - 31/07/2016 17:16

Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 937

You deserved it 1 856

By justfriends - 09/02/2012 19:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It's okay, though; she says we can still go on the vacation I planned next month for our 3 year anniversary, just "as friends." The tickets are non-refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 720

You deserved it 2 466

By blaaargh - 27/02/2016 08:54 - United States - Seymour

Today, my dad uttered the words, "You gotta admit, your mother's got one hell of an ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 056

You deserved it 2 155

By jimmy_poison - 09/02/2015 00:19 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 143

You deserved it 2 926

Overreaction much?

By brokenglass - 24/03/2021 21:30

Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping and shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained to me that the glass was worth more than I am and ordered me out of her house for good. I live there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a set of 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 52

By BeachBummer - 21/04/2018 19:00

Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 911

You deserved it 614

By ooops - 04/08/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 576

You deserved it 7 257

By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 21:51 - United States - Lemont

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 620

You deserved it 24 243

By Bambi113 - 09/06/2016 19:07 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 892

You deserved it 905

By batter--up - 17/02/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, in a sporting goods store, my mom was over on the other side of the store, when a cute guy came over to talk to me. When she saw this she grabbed a bat, walked over to us and said, "If you ever even look at my daughter again, I will beat you shitless." She was serious. He ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 430

You deserved it 2 676

By xx-look-at-xx - 13/04/2013 00:14 - France - Auriol

Today, I was supervising some kids, who were playing on a bouncy castle. One of them managed to kick me in the face during a jump, and looking for an apology, I asked, "What do you say?" He paused, then shouted, "HEADSHOTTTTT!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 218

You deserved it 19 805

By biglady - 17/02/2011 07:02 - Canada

Today, I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 490

You deserved it 55 431

By maddengirl12 - 20/02/2014 08:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 398

You deserved it 3 965

By Anonymous - 08/02/2012 17:45

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 936

You deserved it 2 202

By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 16:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I let a friend cut my hair. I soon went from having a 'fro to looking like I lost a fight with a lawn mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 662

You deserved it 17 334

No plus ones

By Partypoooped - 23/09/2021 01:59

Today, I invited my best friend of 15 years to my birthday party. He wants to bring his girlfriend of a year along, because she feels "threatened" by our friendship, and thinks "He’ll cheat." I'd already put the deposit for the venue and it costs $50 per additional guest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 282

By Anonymous - 19/01/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 692

You deserved it 35 021

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 725

You deserved it 3 035

By bubblzzz - 21/06/2019 16:01

Today, my father called the cops saying I stole his car. It's my car, but his name is on the title. Why did he report it stolen? Because rather than taking him to a bar and being his designated driver, I went to a job interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 124

By Anonymous - 28/05/2016 23:05 - Netherlands

Today, my brother "borrowed" my car and keys without asking me. He came back 4 hours later, alone and pale faced. It took half an hour of questions, interrogation, and finally threats before he admitted that my car is sitting in a ditch a few miles away, probably totaled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 210

You deserved it 871

By sorenips - 03/10/2011 23:19 - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 872

You deserved it 3 828

By goldendarkness - 09/07/2016 01:34

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to stop by a drive-thru on the way to his place. I asked him to order a Coke for me, at which point he asked if I wanted to make it a Diet Coke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 683

You deserved it 2 940

By Disappointed Teacher - 10/12/2013 21:32 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I taught a college course with a group of 30 adults. I was educating them on leadership and gave a 25 minute lecture, with examples like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, and how they changed the world. Then I opened the forum to see who inspired them. The response? Donald Trump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 830

You deserved it 4 810

By justinj360 - 22/06/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, my dad informed me that I will be staying in the bug-infested shed for the summer when I come to visit, due to his girlfriend's sewing workspace completely taking over the only room I've ever had at his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 703

You deserved it 2 592

By PineapplePizza - 15/08/2016 07:41 - United States - Irwin

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 775

You deserved it 1 364

By ribx - 17/11/2016 11:24 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 685

You deserved it 1 412

Make up your mind

By choke on a dick, sir - 01/11/2013 22:47 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 652

You deserved it 7 656

By cootiequeen - 01/06/2014 04:13 - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 494

You deserved it 4 576

By ADD - 11/02/2009 14:59 - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 680

You deserved it 4 498

By Darth Vomitus - 10/08/2012 18:54 - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 449

You deserved it 5 823

That'll look good in the morning

By lizardface - 23/08/2010 22:44 - United States

Today, my daughter and I went to the carnival and had our faces painted. When we returned home hours later, I realized I have a deep sunburn all around my face, except for the skin under the paint in the shape of a gecko. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 520

You deserved it 10 496

By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 17:30

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 807

You deserved it 211

By fatandsad - 03/01/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 024

You deserved it 9 953

By nonexistant - 29/10/2010 04:33 - United States

Today, a cute girl came up to me with her boyfriend and said, "If you end up looking like him, it's over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 970

You deserved it 2 933

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Top comments

pinkcrayola 0

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Saturday 24 March 2012 1:58

Keep applying and don't give up. If your standards are too high lower them. If all else fails, work at a grocery store; they take pretty much everybody. But also try to get an education so you can get a better job down the road.

rubberduckie94 13

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Saturday 24 March 2012 2:03

De pooping shrimp? Sounds like you are a hard worker willing to do anything to make your money. People should be glad to have you. You will find a job soon.

mpj13 8

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Saturday 24 March 2012 1:55

At least you got experience

deLongenator 4

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Saturday 24 March 2012 2:17

I love the word de-pooping

linkinpark98 23

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Saturday 24 March 2012 3:15

21 - Of course you do. :)

n_epic_fail 14

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Saturday 24 March 2012 5:53

You sound too young to be living alone if that's all the experience you've got...

gojira666 7

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Saturday 24 March 2012 6:42

Call up bubba gump. I heard they are hiring.

nerobluerose 10

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Saturday 24 March 2012 7:08

That's a vein, not poop. If it were poop it would be illegal to not have it taken out.

MedKits 9

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Saturday 24 March 2012 10:03

If it's illegal, that's probably why he was hired to do that.

tjv3 10

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Sunday 25 March 2012 0:55

And thanks to the current administration there are very few jobs to be had. How's that hope and change working out for ya?

betticonfetti 7

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Saturday 24 March 2012 1:56

I've been there. It'll get better, but you may have to go back to retail.

breeY0 7

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Saturday 24 March 2012 6:13

haha, this FML made me giggle

alexup24 13

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Saturday 24 March 2012 16:34

if the whole college thing doesn't work out for me, I know what my career will be

Fluhz 6

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Sunday 25 March 2012 5:05

De-pooping shrimp?

japtch 15

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Saturday 24 March 2012 1:57

I think you'll be better off in retail.

ripresno 10

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Saturday 24 March 2012 3:34

The shrimp de-pooping sounds pretty good to me

pinkcrayola 0

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Saturday 24 March 2012 1:58

22cute 17

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Saturday 24 March 2012 3:34

Seriously, everyone should develop skills for at least 2 careers in this economy.

IdfkMyUsernamexC 5

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Saturday 24 March 2012 1:58

Don't give up OP!

linkinpark98 23

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Saturday 24 March 2012 1:58

Some experience is better than none at all. :)

Shelta957 13

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Saturday 24 March 2012 13:59

I can't hrlp but notice, that you put a smilru after EVERY comment you make

linkinpark98 23

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Saturday 24 March 2012 14:40

No, I don't. It just depends on the FML. And besides, smileys are awesome. :D ( Like the one I just typed. )

ezelisko 1

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Saturday 24 March 2012 1:58

that sucks. hunt for a job like it was your job. make sure to follow up after three to five days via phone and try to schedule an interview.

drealmorales 2

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Saturday 24 March 2012 2:00

Amazing! :D expect a job Soon 'bro! That's how I got a job.......wait I'm homeless, well I'll see you with me under the bridge soon my friend!

rubberduckie94 13

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Saturday 24 March 2012 2:03

De pooping shrimp? Sounds like you are a hard worker willing to do anything to make your money. People should be glad to have you. You will find a job soon.