Animals: Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on...

By lulu - 11/02/2012 10:19 - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 217

You deserved it 4 696

Animals

Another great day to be alive

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

What did I do?

By FingerBang - 21/10/2009 06:32 - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 038

You deserved it 34 060

By Mrs. Terrified - 23/10/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 158

You deserved it 4 481

By "Kymberly Hams" - 09/04/2019 10:00 - Australia

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 942

You deserved it 306

By riappp - 25/02/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 865

You deserved it 41 574

By heartbrokenhaley - 23/01/2014 20:57 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 583

You deserved it 5 564

By EyesOffMe - 07/09/2009 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 946

You deserved it 58 846

By argh - 13/03/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 230

You deserved it 3 000

By gameguy3424 - 18/05/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I went on my afternoon stroll to my local park. As I reached the park a little boy was peeing in the bushes nearby. His mother called. As I walked by, he turned, still peeing, right to me. He ended up peeing on the front of my pants and on my shoes. My house is 2 miles away from the park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 537

You deserved it 3 188

By Anonymous - 30/06/2016 20:42 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 944

You deserved it 888

By What. - 14/08/2013 00:08 - United States - Pawtucket

Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 986

You deserved it 3 545

By So I can go now then? - 09/02/2019 20:00

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 622

You deserved it 236

Knackered

By Anonymous - 25/11/2021 08:01

Today, when I got home from work exhausted and literally ready to fall over, my mom had me carry several heavy bags of dog food for her. Yesterday, it was coals; before that it was horse feed and gas bottles. Before that, I'd just asked her to keep the hard, physical work to the weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 168

Ol' Blue Eyes

By britt93 - 26/09/2019 00:01

Today, I learned that if you sing along with an old Frank Sinatra song, the elderly who hear you will want to talk to you about things you have no idea about, for a very long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 193

You deserved it 373

By Gribby - 27/06/2013 23:56 - United States - Branson

Today, I was accused of shooting drugs at work. I was only feeding a baby bird that was tucked into my arm using a medicine syringe. I've been smuggling it to work because it has to eat every 2 hours or it will starve. Now everyone there thinks I'm a hardcore dope fiend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 520

You deserved it 8 756

Unnerving

By Anonymous - 27/10/2021 08:00 - United States - Norristown

Today, I went to the emergency room. A medicine I'm on for my nerve disease is causing me to have stomach pains. If I get off the medicine though, the nerve disease can get worse. If I stay on the medicine, I can continue to have stomach pains and vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 55

By GeriGeriBoBeri - 28/12/2011 08:59 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car at a gas station. A man stopped to help me with a wire hanger. After about 20 min in the freezing weather, he was getting close to unlocking it when I looked over at the passenger door to see that it was unlocked. All the doors were unlocked but the driver's side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 166

You deserved it 39 276

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 1 545

By Anonymous - 22/05/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend just told me the picture of "him as a baby" was really his son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 106

You deserved it 157

By poor_college_kid - 15/09/2016 12:39 - United States - Tucson

Today, I found out that I owe my college a little over $10,000. Why? Because, due to a slight misspelling of my name, the scholarship that I have been going insane trying to meet the requirements for is not actually giving me any funding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 588

You deserved it 853

By Thanks Fred - 18/05/2019 00:05

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 292

By GLHan - 07/03/2014 22:31 - United States - Commack

Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 271

You deserved it 3 824

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mixed CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mixed CD in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 150

You deserved it 8 165

By Anonymous - 07/03/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 290

You deserved it 45 965

Coach Class

By GetFuzzy - 18/10/2019 12:00

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 1 932

Forever Alone

By cacheson - 02/03/2020 12:07

Today, I finally felt the inspiration to write creatively again. I worked for an hour on a character concept before I realized I'd actually created an imaginary sister/best friend for myself because I’m so lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 378

You deserved it 184

Horrible little things

By Anonymous - 27/05/2021 02:01 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, after three visits from exterminators and another from a steam cleaner, I still have bedbugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 61

By Festivaler - 13/07/2013 07:14 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 134

You deserved it 4 421

By selena5112 - 15/02/2013 18:50 - Norway - Troms?

Today, my mum got the idea of switching to a different dishwashing detergent. The new one is so strong that it coats all the dishes in a nauseating perfume-like smell. It's so pungent that it gets absorbed into everything we eat or drink. She's determined to use up the entire bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 116

You deserved it 2 311

By Anonymous - 09/07/2015 19:46 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 826

You deserved it 5 367

By Chucho - 01/09/2012 13:58 - United States - Boston

Today, my mom told me that she rather wait for the city bus all day, than allow me to give her a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 512

You deserved it 3 637

By Anonymous - 13/06/2015 01:56 - United States - Ithaca

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 785

You deserved it 2 121

By Rosie - 28/07/2018 05:00

Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 982

You deserved it 282

By bride - 27/03/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I got married wearing a strapless dress. As I walked down the aisle, our wedding photographer stepped out behind me to get a shot of me approaching my husband. Instead of stepping out, though, he stepped on. Stepped on my dress. Pulling it completely down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133 789

You deserved it 10 255

By Anonymous - 29/07/2010 18:24 - Canada

Today, a friend of mine came to my house with tears in her eyes. I thought she was finally single so I could ask her out. Actually, her mother found out she was dating a girl, so she wants me to be her fake boyfriend as a cover-up. At least we're "dating" now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 933

You deserved it 6 894

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2020 18:02 - United States - Gillette

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 155

By green and not with envy - 13/06/2014 20:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 713

You deserved it 5 788

By well damn - 29/02/2016 22:17 - United States - Columbus

Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 891

You deserved it 1 825

By Exhausted - 28/11/2011 06:07 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I was called an 'inconsiderate scum bucket' by my neighbour because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 821

You deserved it 2 633

By junkie - 18/12/2012 18:28 - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 107

You deserved it 64 250

By rioght onnn - 20/05/2011 19:38 - Canada

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 876

You deserved it 43 652

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Top comments

zingline89 18

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:10

There's a shorter wait time at the vet.

Luqdude 0

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:07

Finger Lickin' Good...

Luqdude 0

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:07

Finger Lickin' Good...

Andr913 13

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:13

Chicken fancy dress. Well, NOW I can say I've seen and heard it all.

Redoxx_fml 22

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:44

Need a moment?

hubla 0

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:46

Didn't you have close underneath like a thin shirt and shorts and did you just go free balling in a freaking chicken suit

hubla 0

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:49

*clothes

epicwaffles 7

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Saturday 11 February 2012 17:15

Brazzers

Damn_Hippster 11

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Saturday 11 February 2012 18:19

Maybe he thought you were the chicken from family guy? Either way this FML is like something that would happen in a comedy show.

CopehagenCanMan 0

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Saturday 11 February 2012 19:44

44- Have you not went commando in a chicken suit before? It is quite fun if I do say so myself

zombicidal 11

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Saturday 11 February 2012 20:05

what does a porn site have to do with this

topie_fml 6

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Saturday 11 February 2012 20:37

Because it's the plot for a porno.

Pixxio_O 11

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Saturday 11 February 2012 21:01

I misread this as 'my bf attacked me..' and I was like wtf for 5 minutes till I realised op had said 'dog'....

cosmosis 12

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Saturday 11 February 2012 21:36

"kentuckin fruckin chicken, put it in your hole. Mmm licking and fingering good" -Serge haminov

nic7973 23

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Saturday 11 February 2012 23:09

wicked

slick5880 22

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:08

Of attacked me?

Skullcrusher 5

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:15

No proof readin' ass!

ilikeapplejuice 7

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:29

wow I didn't even notice that

SamCat 21

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Saturday 11 February 2012 17:08

stupid me, i re-read the 1st sentence trying to make sense of it. smh

Kirlyfoo 9

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:08

Oiy vey matzah btw ILL call kfc to pick u up

darien987 1

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:09

What...

melibear89 7

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:28

I lost brain cells trying to read that. I'm no grammar nazi but damn go back to English class please.

zombicidal 11

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:31

I can't tell what made me contemplate suicide more this comment or your bio

MikeDa1Da 14

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:42

Translated into English: omfg, and by the way I'll call Kentucky fried chicken to pick you up.

WordSmyth 2

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Saturday 11 February 2012 18:17

"Leave Simba, leave and never return"

WCARlover 34

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:08

"chicken fancy dress costume"? How is any chicken costume fancy?

skyeyez9 24

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:14

Maybe this one was made from real chickens.

slick5880 22

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:15

A tophat makes anything fancy.

zombicidal 11

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:23

only if a monocle is involved in that ensemble

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:35

Ah, there was another FML a while ago with a huge discussion about the "fancy dress". In some other English speaking countries, it simply means "costume".

MizzErikaHart 8

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:38

Well she already said costume and op is from ohio

angelina_galvan 3

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Saturday 11 February 2012 17:17

Chicken fancy is a dog and cat food line so she was dressed as food

IdaE 17

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:09

Haha, that sounds horrible....

Torva_fml 16

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Saturday 11 February 2012 19:18

Sounds funny to me.

MaceFaceLOL 8

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Saturday 11 February 2012 19:32

Sounds like the dog is kinda cocky to me. :D

AnagenisisZagus 13

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Sunday 12 February 2012 0:34

You don't say?

ninjafury101 2

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:09

At least you weren't a can of kibbles.

ClassyCommando 13

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Saturday 11 February 2012 20:58

Man's best friend...such loyalty.

vturbz91 0

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Saturday 11 February 2012 16:10

Good

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Saturday 11 February 2012 18:03

What's good? Your future KFC bucket of legs n' thighs made from poor OP? I'll go with that, you cannibal arse...

MaceFaceLOL 8

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Saturday 11 February 2012 19:38

Well someone had a big bowl of grumpy'O's this morning.

The_Great_Zucchi 14

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Saturday 11 February 2012 19:42

What's good is that if a dog has to bite someone because it wasn't trained properly (only reason dogs bite according to people who claim to know about dogs) I would prefer it bit the owner...