Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder... - FML

By margretlle - United States

Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54643

You deserved it

8375

Tweet

Share

No one likes a smart-ass

The opposite of a good idea

Relationships sink

By good mom - United States - Monterey Park

Who is the worst?

Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2885

You deserved it

160

Tweet

Share

By Alin

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3524

You deserved it

374

Tweet

Share

By 2fast4U - Canada - Vancouver

Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22347

You deserved it

1567

Tweet

Share

By mile high clubber - United States - Bensalem

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64981

You deserved it

13618

Tweet

Share

By SwedishBozo - United States

Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32815

You deserved it

325687

Tweet

Share

By joshua - United States

Today, I started work at my new job. I was excited to have been given an office of my own, but shortly after sitting down at my desk, the door across the hall opened and an unspeakably murderous stench that could've curdled milk seeped in. My office is opposite the men's room. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28611

You deserved it

2741

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12158

You deserved it

96924

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29193

You deserved it

6199

Tweet

Share

By richard - United States - Redmond

Today, fed up with my nerdy appearance, I got my hair shaved off, hoping for a Walter White kind of look. I didn't think it was too bad, but not even an hour later, I'd already been called a "fat Bruce Willis" and compared to a freshly circumcised penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38862

You deserved it

8004

Tweet

Share

By Screamslikeagirl - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13043

You deserved it

1155

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Can't win

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1967

You deserved it

318

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 20:04

Generosity

Today, my granny died. My aunt wants to throw away all her books and furniture. When I offered to take care of selling it, or giving it away, like granny would have wanted, my aunt said she would let me "keep a percentage" of the few bucks I’d get for my troubles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1320

You deserved it

99

Tweet

Share

By Starving Ultimatum - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32811

You deserved it

3112

Tweet

Share

By love_to_live - United States - Waupun

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12764

You deserved it

22433

Tweet

Share

By insignificant - United States

Today, I was getting on a bus, the driver shut the door on me while I was half way inside. Instead of apologizing to me, he criticized me for getting in the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32835

You deserved it

3327

Tweet

Share

By BeanThereRuinedThat

Bean.

Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4249

You deserved it

1014

Tweet

Share

By wearingashirtatthepool - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I spent thirty minutes on the phone with my best friend's mom, because her daughter was too afraid to tell me that I'm no longer a bridesmaid at her wedding because I'm too fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14600

You deserved it

1619

Tweet

Share

By getslostinherownhouse - Spain

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24065

You deserved it

60828

Tweet

Share

By Lemonhead - United States

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

I agree, your life sucks

65827

You deserved it

3781

Tweet

Share

By blewidstepr

Today, I realized my 3 year old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32427

You deserved it

6362

Tweet

Share

By samikai523 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48573

You deserved it

7898

Tweet

Share

By fuckmylife - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58206

You deserved it

8318

Tweet

Share

By arachnidphobia - United States

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30671

You deserved it

3443

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4517

You deserved it

334

Tweet

Share

By limping - Canada

Today, in revenge for being grounded for bullying a kid at school, my eight-year-old son flung a handful of Lego in my path as I walked barefoot into the kitchen. I'm still in pain. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

46575

You deserved it

9038

Tweet

Share

By allgrowedup - United States

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41261

You deserved it

5476

Tweet

Share

By peepants

Today, I was in a public restroom with my one-year old. I had no idea he could reach the lock until he opened the door and ran out. In my haste to catch him, I not only peed all over my pants that were still around my ankles, I faceplanted on the nasty, moist bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2099

You deserved it

285

Tweet

Share

By Jbheller - United States - Mountain Top

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33270

You deserved it

3107

Tweet

Share

By left, I guess - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35010

You deserved it

7623

Tweet

Share

By Anon - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I roll over in bed and ask my boyfriend if we can go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3 p.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

86474

You deserved it

9287

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10364

You deserved it

37550

Tweet

Share

By rolyat - United States - Rochester

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36298

You deserved it

3958

Tweet

Share

By Sadmom - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42524

You deserved it

5311

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went out on my first date in 2 months. My sister and her friends were also at the same restaurant we went to. I decided to ignore them but they didn't. As a joke, they though it would be funny if her friend came up and said, "I had fun last night, we should do it again". My date left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36271

You deserved it

2705

Tweet

Share

By zitgirl - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33721

You deserved it

5535

Tweet

Share

By why do eggs explode - Canada - Calgary

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24165

You deserved it

3033

Tweet

Share

By Rachel - United States - Waynesburg

Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42857

You deserved it

11693

Tweet

Share

By gaggin - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56051

You deserved it

3971

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7721

You deserved it

510

Tweet

Share

By BobE - United States - Miami

Today, I went to a mall and got some really awesome shoes. I went home to find out that they are actually women's shoes. I'm a dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1047

You deserved it

833

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By 24788 | 6

#144406 - Sunday 26 April 2009 13:57

I think they planned that one out.

Lol owned

By SwaggerDownPat | 0

#4151975 - Monday 12 March 2012 4:48

What exactly was the point of that comment?

COMMENTS

By katiekatiek | 0

#144272 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:11

first :p
and loll!

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#874216 - Saturday 20 February 2010 3:09

uuuuuuhhhhh your bird was probably freaked out because your dog was running around.

Reply

ryrock310 | 10

#1934838 - Thursday 6 January 2011 18:38

I have a feeling this is a fake

Reply

REFLEXED | 7

#2683926 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 4:34

Jailbreak attempt number 2.....

By LilKonvicted | 0

#144277 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:13

haha

Reply

SwaggerDownPat | 0

#4151975 - Monday 12 March 2012 4:48

What exactly was the point of that comment?

By venom7 | 0

#144283 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:16

Now.. sh!t happens, don't it!?! LoooooooooL..

By oomlot | 0

#144296 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By yojoeletsmakeout | 0

#144312 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:30

Everyone on FML is getting knocked unconscious these days.

Reply

FuckThisLogin | 31

#6440008 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:37

Knocked up or knocked out

By Warkweh | 0

#144350 - Sunday 26 April 2009 13:04

Best fake FML ever.

By TheFifthWitness | 0

#144371 - Sunday 26 April 2009 13:31

You should shoot the bird and feed it to the dog. Then cook the dog in the stove.

Then, instead of calling this an FML, you could call it a lesson.

By DollyMolly | 0

#144382 - Sunday 26 April 2009 13:42

Was your bird okay? D=

By zacbreitbach | 0

#144389 - Sunday 26 April 2009 13:48

haha what are you some kind of pirate? No, but that really sucks FYL indeed

By itsTiffany | 0

#144396 - Sunday 26 April 2009 13:52

Ouch, at least you're okay.
Dumb parrot!