Kids: Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex,... - FML

By NotTodaySatan - United States - Tempe

Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex, who happens to be the father of my only child. He suggested this only so I can get pregnant again, and get more money back on my taxes. His "bright side" to this? At least my kids will have the same father. FML

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Triage

Let's go girls!

Shark-infested offices

By epicsandwichartist - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

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By quasimodo - United States

Today, we were drawing self-portraits in school. I'm horrible at art, so I turned to the person next to me and stated that mine looked really ugly. He replied saying, "No, it looks exactly like you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

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By terpity12 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

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By LivingInSin - United States

Today, my boyfriend's ex-wife facebooked me to inform me that they were still married and he was still sleeping with her. I've been living with him for the past month. FML

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By lol smiley face - United States

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

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By FMLdude - Australia - Bexley

Scammed

Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

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By Enslaved

Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML

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By Anstice - United States

Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML

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By loon - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

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By Username

Today, I learned that my 29-year-old boyfriend won't stay the night at my house because he lives at home with his parents and doesn't want to have "the discussion" with his mom about me. FML

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By Branski - United States

Today, at a campfire, I whipped out my guitar to serenade this girl I like with a Nick Drake song. When I was done, she said it was nice, but that my singing voice sounds a bit like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show. A couple of people nearby burst out laughing in agreement. FML

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By bkay26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 11:01

Happy New Year!

Today, my New Year’s Eve consisted of four things: being home alone, drinking cheap alcohol out of a tooth mug, getting an upset stomach from that, then going to bed early with ear plugs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Haven

Today, the new manager at my workplace left early in a panic, exclaiming, "My grandma had an accident! I need to see if she's okay!" I was left in charge of the bar once again. This is the sixth time this week his grandma has had an "accident". FML

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By Takegami - United States - Norge

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

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By matou - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kent

Today, after years of bad blood, my husband decided to invite his parents to dinner. After making rude remarks about my pregnancy, his dad eventually muttered that I'm a slut. My husband punched him, his wife called the police, and now I'm all alone while he sits in a jail cell for battery. FML

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By radiationkillz - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought several bottles of Potassium Iodine pills and a gas mask, due to the radiation scare from Japan. We live in Texas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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By constipated

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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By StillFriendless

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

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By linren - United States

TMI, dude

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the landlord tenant act does not apply since I'm living in the same house as my landlord. She's making my life a living hell and breaking my things. I still have 3 months left in the contract. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pulaski

Really?

Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML

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By AmericanAlien - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

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By c - United States - Denham Springs

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

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By Garry - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that my staff doesn't take me seriously. I walked in on my chef, who had just spent an hour and half a block of cheese carving cheddar goggles for himself. When I confronted him, he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a cocktail sausage taped to his stomach. FML

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By lilshoobydoo14 - United States

Today, I met a guy that I liked. We really hit it off, that is until his parents walked by and he started begging them, down on his hands and knees, to buy him a new video game. FML

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By alostr1 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's, some kids were running and screaming. One of them stopped right beside me, turned to face me, and threw up in my lap. FML

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By Ava_Darkflame - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML

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By Anonymous

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

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By feminismlol - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML

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By huskynick - 18/6/2020 05:05

Kinky

Today, it's been two days and my girlfriend still won't talk to me. Why? Because she made out with a mutual friend at a party, and got mad at me for thinking it was hot rather than being jealous. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

Today, I sneezed so hard that I re-dislocated my shoulder. FML

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By Tree - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

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Top comments

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7818953 - Sunday 7 July 2019 16:50

Both your ex and your dad suck... Honestly the first job of a dad is to make sure his children are safe and alright. Not the amount of taxes they pay...

By ajh1800 | 25

#7818979 - Sunday 7 July 2019 18:48

You're an adult. It's your life and you can say "no".

COMMENTS

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7818953 - Sunday 7 July 2019 16:50

Both your ex and your dad suck... Honestly the first job of a dad is to make sure his children are safe and alright. Not the amount of taxes they pay...

By ajh1800 | 25

#7818979 - Sunday 7 July 2019 18:48

You're an adult. It's your life and you can say "no".

Reply

Lila Mathews | 10

#7818993 - Sunday 7 July 2019 21:08

You don't seem to understand the point of this site 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Reply

Darebearius | 7

#7819014 - Sunday 7 July 2019 23:30

She said "suggested" not "forcing"

By Susan Yee | 9

#7819029 - Monday 8 July 2019 1:13

Since Trump, “more kids more return” is not true anymore. They phased it out.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7819039 - Monday 8 July 2019 2:13

Your dad is a moron. Even as a suggestion, that was stupid.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7819224 - Monday 8 July 2019 16:07

Your dad's a jerk for that

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7819318 - Monday 8 July 2019 20:47

Dads are the absolute WORST when it comes to their daughters’ boyfriends. The only guy my father liked turned out to be a total piece of crap. He always has something to say about the guy im dating now and all hes done is treat me like a queen

By Rosemarie Townsend | 13

#7820007 - Thursday 11 July 2019 4:39

Omg! Don’t ever do that! Stay far away from that jerk!!