Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
Today, my dad hit his mid-life crisis. When I came home and said hi, he told me to shut up, then went to the living room. He then lit up a cigarette and started muttering about having to put up with me, then went into a coughing fit, because he's never smoked before in his life. FML
Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML
Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML
Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML
Today, I wanted my son to take a break from his comic books and be more active, so I converted our big backyard into a home-sized football field, hoping this would motivate him to finally get into sports. While I had him running drills, I heard him grumble, "This is why mom left you." FML
Today, I asked my dad for help on some homework I didn't fully understand. He walked away and came back with a huge bowl of grapes and said, "Here's your brain food." Then he left. FML
Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding." This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML
Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML
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Top comments
crudeandrudeguy 29
He can't just go buy a convertible like every other midlife douche bag??
CaptainSmith28 19
Go long!
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Comments (31)
buckdharma 38
Maybe he used to be top banana, but now he's a couch potato who can't get a date. You know, he can't produce. Maybe he could be a Packer?
pjsr 33
Lettuce not be too critical. I mean, orange you glad this dad wasn't in the dairy or soft drink aisle when he started throwing things?
19foxy81 8
What's wrong with the Packers?
captainsmegma 12
Is his last name Bundy?
Weasely 11
I can just tell this is coming from a dramatic teenager embarrassed by their dad.
PhoenixChick 26
Because everybody loves being pelted with produce, right? Only emo brats object to an eggplant upside the head.
chocoladisco 1
I think getting pelted with vegetables is prety hilarious. Unless his dad is throwing coconuts its not bad
Birdmad 12
Is your father Al Bundy?
frankmz 17
The Married with Children and Napoleon Dynamite references are hilarious. Al Bundy and Uncle Rico.
AverageAvarice 23
I'd rather be pelted with cakes and candies, that's a waste of produce.
BloodyGlass 10
I wonder if that could be considered child abuse? He can work out his crisis in jail. X)
DArthurVaderian 18
People like you are the problem with society today, getting pissed off over every little thing. Throwing a vegetable at someone is not abuse.
goozeo 11
Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
Muerteds 18
Four touchdowns in a single game is not something you just get over! Polk High forever!
stevenbro 6
Glory days!