Money: Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a... - FML

By What. - 14/08/2013 00:08 - United States - Pawtucket

Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 986

You deserved it 3 545

Dementia or hate? You decide

Pile on

Insurance is a scam: Tokyo drift

By aliqi - 12/05/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 253

You deserved it 3 406

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 146

You deserved it 8 749

By Anonymous - 18/04/2018 11:00 - United States - Twin Falls

Today, I went to the park to read “The Book Thief”. I fell asleep and when I woke up, my book was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 282

You deserved it 973

By Loverscry - 05/11/2014 22:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I forgot my library book on a bench then I got on a bus, so I got off at the next stop and walked back to get it. I arrived just in time to see some guy pick it up and hop on another bus. So now I'm not on the bus I needed, and I have to pay for the book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 031

You deserved it 4 640

By BoldMoveCotton - 15/06/2016 21:30 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I put in my two-week notice. My boss responded by saying, "Okie dokie" and hanging up. Guess they were glad to be rid of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 928

You deserved it 1 975

By Anonymous - 04/02/2018 19:00

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 817

You deserved it 355

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 405

You deserved it 24 409

By Anonymous - 22/09/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 069

You deserved it 52 896

By frustratedandunderpaid - 09/06/2015 01:47 - Canada - Sackville

Today, at my place of work in a fast-food restaurant, a customer called in and bitched at me that her warm food was weirdly cold. That is, after she drove 45 minutes from the restaurant to her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 205

You deserved it 1 718

By HiImAlfredo - 14/09/2014 18:47 - United States - Hampton

Today, I went deep-sea fishing with my friends. I told them my new phone case is waterproof, and I showed them by pouring a bit of water on it. My friend decided to throw it in the water for a better example. The case didn't float. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 983

You deserved it 7 376

Can't get no…

By Anonymous - 21/09/2020 09:05 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Spicy

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 251

You deserved it 243

By Anonymous - 05/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Yellow Springs

Today, my friend explained that his internship was clearly worse than mine because he got yelled at by clients. One of my clients ripped out my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 467

You deserved it 1 535

Sexless in Seattle

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 16:00

Spicy

Today, it's become clear I might have married the only man on the planet who doesn't care about sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 910

You deserved it 450

By Anonymous - 17/08/2009 20:02 - Canada

Today, I ran into a guy that I had gone on a few dates with 3 months ago and slept with him a few times, but then never heard from him again. When he looked at me, I went over and gave him a hug and said "Hey, how are you, Chris?". He hugged me back and said "Hey there cutie, what's your name?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 885

You deserved it 17 997

By CallMeJesusFreak - 23/06/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 937

You deserved it 7 868

By Oopsie - 20/07/2019 04:00

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 222

By WellShit - 04/01/2013 02:19 - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 685

You deserved it 5 905

By Lifeless - 01/06/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 384

You deserved it 12 423

By anonymous - 16/08/2015 03:16 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 227

You deserved it 2 072

Red flag

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 16:03

Today, my boyfriend and I went clothes shopping for an upcoming wedding trip to Mexico. He wanted a dressing room fashion show to approve what I would buy. I’m 40. Last time I did this, I was in grade school. Maybe I shouldn’t go on the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 156

By hifhfan - 05/06/2014 11:12 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I entered my late twenties. My hair's falling out and I'm putting on weight at light speed. At least I can keep my youthful appearance with the acne I still suffer from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 789

You deserved it 5 074

By ManinBlack - 14/09/2011 01:30 - Canada

Today, after months of looking forward to my new fencing lessons and speculating endlessly about the people who might be in my class, I went to my first lesson. I was the only one who showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 883

You deserved it 3 457

By Anonymous - 13/01/2013 05:27 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 113

You deserved it 5 014

By "daddyrobyn" - 18/12/2018 13:30

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 333

You deserved it 148

By why... - 05/06/2012 17:21 - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 873

You deserved it 3 514

By Bernadette - 28/06/2012 19:58

Today, I was entering a guy's number into my phone, and I couldn't remember his name. Embarrassed, I tried to be sneaky and asked, "Can you spell your name for me, please?" His name is Bob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 137

You deserved it 30 537

By lonely otaku - 25/12/2013 07:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 370

You deserved it 7 376

By effedfosh - 07/04/2009 04:53 - Canada

Today, I overheard a couple talking behind me. She said, "You wanna know what's really scary?" He said, "the size of that guy? Yeah he's huge", to which she replied, "no, the scary thing is that's a chick." They weren't talking about me, but they sure were talking about my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 510

You deserved it 8 804

By Anonymous - 13/05/2017 02:00

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 936

You deserved it 323

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 12:15

Today, I almost died in the shower when I slipped and my dumbass self tried to grab the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 401

By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 21:38 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 123

You deserved it 1 589

Horno

By horno - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I asked my dad why the WiFi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 427

You deserved it 2 595

By Anonymous - 13/07/2013 21:10 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, one of my co-workers was fired after my manager discovered him pissing in the office coffee pot. I had three cups before I found out what had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 935

You deserved it 4 405

By baconrash - 22/02/2010 21:43 - United States

Today, I found out that the acne under my arms was worse then the severe acne on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 812

You deserved it 3 670

By Extended_desktop - 11/09/2011 17:53 - Poland

Spicy

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 534

You deserved it 65 738

By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 22:49 - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 882

You deserved it 4 989

By Anonymous - 20/07/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, I was going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. I saw a man working, so I went up to him to ask where I should sign in. Before I even opened my mouth, he told me that they opened at 12 and to come back then for my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 939

You deserved it 4 859

Stupid cat

By cathater - 06/01/2020 01:00 - United States - Eddington

Today, as I was getting dressed for my big date, my cat pooped on my only shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 873

You deserved it 732

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 684

You deserved it 61 540

Don't stop now!

By Anonymous - 09/03/2021 03:01 - Lithuania - Klaipeda

Spicy

Today, as usual during sex, my boyfriend finished first, and then he "massaged" me so I could finish too. While he was doing that, his grandma called. He actually answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 164

You deserved it 151

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:49

He could make great money mowing other people's lawns.

agentaquamarine 4

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:50

To be fair, riding lawn mowers looks fun as fuck.

Comments

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:46

Always a good investment

TheCanucklehead 22

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:04

Cruise down the street

aintlifeapain 21

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:06

Someone like Lawn-mowing Crusoe?

AwkwardPartyBear 24

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 10:18

"They see me mowin', they hatin'..." (Sorry I'll crawl away now).

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 14:26

Crusin down the street in my 6-4

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 16:13

Dont quote me boy cuz i aint sais shit

cyanidesandwich 21

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 18:54

Sounds to me like someone has been playing Happy Wheels too much...

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 21:45

Install a turbocharger and a larger engine, and go for a ioy ride. Also, should probably install cupholders too!

cuddlefishtate 2

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Wednesday 26 February 2014 6:39

Nu

HowAreYouToday 34

Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:47

Maybe he got sick of vacuuming.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:49

He could make great money mowing other people's lawns.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 21:47

1 acre of land = $75 and 1 acre of land takes 20 minutes to cut. Its easy money where I am.

GuessWhatKids 13

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 22:01

That's a terrible deal. And you must have one hell of a lawnmower to do an acre in 20 minutes.

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Thursday 15 August 2013 5:02

I'm a qualified horticulturalist and ill do anyone's lawn if u live in Australia, Melbourne haha been impossible to find work even though I have a qualification. FML

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:50

Your new method of commuting to work!

agentaquamarine 4

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:50

To be fair, riding lawn mowers looks fun as fuck.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:00

Yeah, my dad just drives his around the block on occasion. Parents are weird.

AbstraktThoughts 13

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:56

Wait. You're not supposed to normally drive around in a lawnmower? It's what I use to get to my job interviews! :(

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 19:41

I guess that gets the "reliable mode of transport" question out of the way real fast.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 21:48

We have a ride on mower worth over $100,000 at work. Paid for with tax payer money. Don't you love the US governments budgeting?

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 22:11

I'd ride them for days...if I could afford one.

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Thursday 15 August 2013 3:05

I have a john deer riding mower. Its alot more fun to cut the grass with that vs the push mower. It has a cup holder, cushy seat, headlights and goes pretty fast. There is also a group of riding mower people whose hobby is installing super fast engines on them, and racing it.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:51

It's probably a sexual thing you don't know about.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 11:11

God yes! A thousand times yes!

THEsuperMANLYman 10

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:51

At least it's better than a Segway ;)

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:26

No it's not.

Internetflakes 13

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Sunday 18 October 2015 4:25

not at all sweetie.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:51

He bought it for his wife.

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 17:24

That reminds me of that scene in Scary Movie... 3, I believe.

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Thursday 15 August 2013 8:23

Or at least that's the excuse he is gonna use for getting it haha.

freshlybreezy 15

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:53

Maybe his embracing his redneck side and is gonna try racing lawn mowers?

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:53

This is one of the most confusing FML's I've ever read.

elgordogrande1 11

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 16:05

No, this one is pretty straightforward.

YayItsYasmine 11

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 19:36

How is this confusing?

NeighSoulSister 6

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 22:11

The dad bought a lawn mower that you can ride on. However, they do not have a lawn to mow. How are you confused?

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 51

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 27

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 89