Love and Geek: Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend.... - FML

By Daughter of a Dork - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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Vulture

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Commando

By wipeoffincircles - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Carmel

Today, I accidentally ran a stop sign. It wouldn't have been so bad if the stop sign hadn't been in a traffic cop's hands. FML

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By XxespoxX - United States

Today, my Dad took me to a yankee game at the new Yankees stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I then yelled out "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML

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By shal4

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was feeling sick so I decided to lay down. As soon as I did, I felt the sudden urge to throw up, so I ran to the bathroom. When I bent over the toilet to throw up, my glasses fell in along with my vomit. Before I had a chance to retrieve them, I threw up again. And again. FML

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By nature

Today, I had to explain to my 7-year-old son that it's not okay to smell others' "wieners". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I saw a dead ant. It made me think about how brief and fragile life is, why we're all here, and whether it has a point. It was a piece of lint. FML

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By Hairylass - United States

Today, I realized that I have an odd habit of plucking the tiny white hairs on my upper lip when I am overly stressed. But only the right side. I noticed when examining my face and seeing they'd all come back black. I've got half a mustache. I'm female. FML

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By Arachnaphobe - United States - Bloomington

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

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By sadie - 13/3/2021 23:01

They're all eggheads to me

Today, my daughter once again called my boyfriend by the name of an ex-boyfriend. She always does this and she claims it’s because they’re all bald. Can she not remember their very distinct faces? FML

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By JimiHendrix - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

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By LAXsucks - United States

Today, I was flying home from LAX when I realized I left my ID back at the hotel. After making phone calls to the hotel and rental car company, I found it and made it back to the airport in time for my flight. After going through security, I realized I left my cell phone on the hotel counter. FML

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By jaimpastaggle - France

Today, after spending over two hours cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom, my 5-year-old then runs in, yells, “Snowstorm!” and throws a bag of flour all over the floor. FML

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By Eyefreshener - United States

Today, I was at a friend's house. She has one of those automatic air fresheners, and I was amazed when it went off. To get a better look at it, I got real close to it. I saw a button and pressed it. The air freshener went off again, spraying nothing but my eye. FML

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By sorrygranny - United States

Today, I was at the gas station with my grandma. After I slid her card and began to pump, I convinced her that it was a lot easier and more convenient to pay at the pump with your credit card instead of paying inside. She yelled as I realized I went $20 over what she had to spend. FML

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By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

You're a natural

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

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By LogicalMolly - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

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By children ain't pawns - Australia - Perth

Today, after discussing having our son's hair styled nicely for school, my ex returns him with his head shaved. I didn't realise bald was in style for 4-year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington Crossing

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

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By Angel

Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML

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By 3Airwalk3 - Canada

Dishwasher issues

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

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By don't pray, PAY

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

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By justagirl - United States - Roseville

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

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By gamerlaura

Today, after a very harsh argument from my mother about her not seeing her grandchild enough, I decided to vent out my rage in a text to my friend. It wasn't until after I sent the message, that yes, I sent that message to my mom FML

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By hatemyboss - Canada

Today, I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML

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By You Wish - United States

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

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By forever alone - Germany - Apolda

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

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By sumhub94 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4-year-old, and we decided to play a game of hide and seek. Before he started to count, he looked me in the eyes and said that if I hid in his spot, he'd murder me with a knife when he grows up. I have to babysit this kid for the rest of the summer. FML

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By fatty - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after practicing a song for my girlfriend on guitar all day, I called her over to my house to show it to her. After a long speech about how "this is for you," I played for about 3 seconds before I broke a string, which slapped her in her face. FML

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By Bree

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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By hotheadslav - United States - Warsaw

Hott

Today, I was on a date with a girl and everything was going great. As I took her back to her house and walked her to her door I leaned in for a kiss. She seemed to really enjoy it so I went for another but as I leaned in again, I sneezed uncontrollably shooting her face with saliva and snot. FML

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By ClairvoyantVamp - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Butler

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

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By micahmatt - United States

Freak

Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML

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By Mustang - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

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By GoulashQueen - Australia - Brunswick

Good food

Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, nude. FML

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By Jamie - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

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Top comments

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7693654 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:45

This is hilarious!
Keep in mind, that "cute little" Marshadow is a legendary Pokemon. No wonder it kicked your dad's Incineroar's ass.

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7689298 - Friday 7 September 2018 19:06

Nah, your dad is right. Dude's gotta go. No one messes with a man's Incineroar.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7689298 - Friday 7 September 2018 19:06

Nah, your dad is right. Dude's gotta go. No one messes with a man's Incineroar.

Reply

DragonMaiden7 | 15

#7694029 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:56

I totally agree. You don’t fuck with a person’s starter. That’s like kicking a person’s mother

By EggyDogger | 13

#7693638 - Friday 14 September 2018 23:41

Just level it up

By blightsight | 10

#7693650 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:11

People still play Pokemon??

Reply

DragonMaiden7 | 15

#7694023 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:50

I mean, it’s not like there is a fucking National and World tournament where people can win actually money, or at least hundreds of thousands of players.

Reply

DragonMaiden7 | 15

#7694037 - Saturday 15 September 2018 23:08

Just because you don’t know shit doesn’t mean other people are ignorant.

Google is a thing. Educate yourself. Btw I have won a tournament before, you can delete your comment, doesn’t mean I don’t see it

By RichardPencil | 30

#7693652 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:26

“Never go against the family”
-Don Corleone

Dump him!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7693654 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:45

This is hilarious!
Keep in mind, that "cute little" Marshadow is a legendary Pokemon. No wonder it kicked your dad's Incineroar's ass.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#7693678 - Saturday 15 September 2018 2:30

To be fair, the only advantage that Marshadow has is its Fighting type over Incineroar’s Dark type.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7693656 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:49

It's especially amusing that the Marshadow is being referred to as "the other woman" because Marshadow is genderless.

By cptncuttlefish | 24

#7693659 - Saturday 15 September 2018 1:07

Real men win without legendaries, he’s gotta go!

By Charlie Given | 23

#7693666 - Saturday 15 September 2018 1:26

Time to find some men and get rid of the little boys 🙄😏

By pjsr | 32

#7693671 - Saturday 15 September 2018 1:41

You need to amend your screenname to include Boyfriend of a Dork, too.
#whosaysgirlsdontmarryaguyjustliketheirdads

Reply

SneezyBear | 27

#7693727 - Saturday 15 September 2018 5:59

You mean 'Girlfriend of a Dork'?

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7693721 - Saturday 15 September 2018 5:40

It would seem women really do look for men who resemble their fathers. #FreudWasRight