Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend.... - FML

By Daughter of a Dork - 14/9/2018 17:30 - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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Proactive

A beautiful truck decoration

Risky business

By sad_dad - 24/10/2009 17:35 - Canada

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

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By FFFFF- - 2/3/2011 17:12 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML

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By hellosaila - 27/2/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2014 15:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

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By doggylove - 13/11/2015 03:57 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 21:03 - United States - Marinette

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

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By NatchezParadox - 9/10/2019 18:00

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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By Old and Ugly - 23/4/2015 09:04 - United States

Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

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By mishie1 - 21/2/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 10:35 - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

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By jackie89 - 10/8/2014 19:26 - United Kingdom - Redruth

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

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By boopingsnoot - 5/8/2017 20:00

Ready for the grill!

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

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By inpain - 17/3/2016 04:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

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By riappp - 25/2/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML

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By Fml24609 - 20/8/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king sized bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2016 12:37 - Australia - West End

Today, as my brother parked in our hotel's parking lot, I told him to be careful because the car wasn't straight. He retorted, "Yeah, just like you". My mother was in the back seat and heard everything. I hadn't come out yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 20:55 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my brother sent me an image by Skype, saying I really had to see it. I figured it was some kind of stupid joke, but I tried to look anyway. It wouldn't open. Turns out he thought he could just rename the ".exe" on a virus to ".jpg" and it would still run. My brother's a cretin. FML

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By Andrexwife - 31/7/2009 07:03 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my first wedding anniversary, or Paper anniversary. I got him airline tickets for an expensive weekend break for two in Berlin. He got me a toilet roll. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 03:30 - Canada

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

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By Angry and Confused - 29/6/2013 09:55 - United States - Reno

Today, my house was broken into. The burglar didn't steal my brand new laptop, iPad or TV. They instead made off with every single item of clothing I own. When I went to turn on my TV to try and distract myself from this, I found all of the cables in back missing. The police don't believe me. FML

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By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By tacolove69 - 16/2/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

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By nikkiquila_0699 - 5/9/2009 21:24 - Canada

Today, I came back from my 3 month vacation from France. During my vacation I lost 32lbs and I was so excited to show off my new body to my boyfriend. When he walked in the door he didn't notice me, but he did notice my younger, thinner and tanner sister strutting around in her bikini. FML

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By anonymous - 4/8/2015 20:56 - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

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By mr_cheese - 22/10/2014 20:24 - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML

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By stoggie96 - 22/4/2012 15:34 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

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By MDoremis - 24/2/2015 04:58 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

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By Juancames3 - 23/5/2018 01:30

Saboteur!

Today, after spending all night packing for my 5am flight to Brazil, my cat peed all over my open suitcase. FML

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By Sammylad - 7/9/2011 22:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2013 17:59 - United States - Wallingford

Today, while despairing over having been rejected for my dream job, I received an email asking me to come back in for another interview. Then they called me to say they accidentally sent the email to all the applicants, and that they definitely aren't interested. FML

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By shway - 15/7/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery with my 4 year old daughter. She needed me to tie one of her shoes so I bent down. When I was done, I tickled her under the armpit and she screamed "Don't touch me there!". Everyone in the store turned to stare. FML

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By lorena_v - 10/11/2017 05:00

Today, I screamed at the top of my lungs in the middle of a math test because I saw a spider that wound up being a hairball. My teacher was incredibly sympathetic, taking off only five points for "disrupting our working environment". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 14:00

Food porn

Today, I made my boyfriend a vanilla cake for our anniversary. We sat down to eat it and one bite in, my boyfriend gets a weird look on his face. I take a bite and notice that it tastes like corn. I found out later my dad had replaced all the flour with cornmeal without telling anyone. FML

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By fmcsl - 8/9/2019 00:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Customers from Hell

Today, a customer got an additional discount, so his total came to $61. He said, "It says they're 3 for $66!” I tried to explain the discount, saying it’s cheaper, but he still insisted on paying $66. I couldn’t modify the price at my end. He left without buying anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

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By oops1234 - 16/4/2009 14:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 02:01

Threesome weirdness

Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML

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By ok cool - 13/10/2015 01:53 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, while I was in the bathroom my mom walked in and tried to have a conversation with me about my bowel movements. I'm 23, and this is a regular thing. FML

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Top comments

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7693654 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:45

This is hilarious!
Keep in mind, that "cute little" Marshadow is a legendary Pokemon. No wonder it kicked your dad's Incineroar's ass.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689298 - Friday 7 September 2018 19:06

Nah, your dad is right. Dude's gotta go. No one messes with a man's Incineroar.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689298 - Friday 7 September 2018 19:06

Nah, your dad is right. Dude's gotta go. No one messes with a man's Incineroar.

Reply

DragonMaiden7 | 15

#7694029 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:56

I totally agree. You don’t fuck with a person’s starter. That’s like kicking a person’s mother

By EggyDogger | 13

#7693638 - Friday 14 September 2018 23:41

Just level it up

By blightsight | 10

#7693650 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:11

People still play Pokemon??

Reply

DragonMaiden7 | 15

#7694023 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:50

I mean, it’s not like there is a fucking National and World tournament where people can win actually money, or at least hundreds of thousands of players.

Reply

DragonMaiden7 | 15

#7694037 - Saturday 15 September 2018 23:08

Just because you don’t know shit doesn’t mean other people are ignorant.

Google is a thing. Educate yourself. Btw I have won a tournament before, you can delete your comment, doesn’t mean I don’t see it

By RichardPencil | 28

#7693652 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:26

“Never go against the family”
-Don Corleone

Dump him!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7693654 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:45

This is hilarious!
Keep in mind, that "cute little" Marshadow is a legendary Pokemon. No wonder it kicked your dad's Incineroar's ass.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#7693678 - Saturday 15 September 2018 2:30

To be fair, the only advantage that Marshadow has is its Fighting type over Incineroar’s Dark type.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7693656 - Saturday 15 September 2018 0:49

It's especially amusing that the Marshadow is being referred to as "the other woman" because Marshadow is genderless.

By cptncuttlefish | 24

#7693659 - Saturday 15 September 2018 1:07

Real men win without legendaries, he’s gotta go!

By Charlie Given | 23

#7693666 - Saturday 15 September 2018 1:26

Time to find some men and get rid of the little boys 🙄😏

By pjsr | 32

#7693671 - Saturday 15 September 2018 1:41

You need to amend your screenname to include Boyfriend of a Dork, too.
#whosaysgirlsdontmarryaguyjustliketheirdads

Reply

SneezyBear | 27

#7693727 - Saturday 15 September 2018 5:59

You mean 'Girlfriend of a Dork'?

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7693721 - Saturday 15 September 2018 5:40

It would seem women really do look for men who resemble their fathers. #FreudWasRight