Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted...

By anonymous - 1/11/2009 13:37 - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

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Love

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Mixed signals

Clocked

By yosmurf - 11/6/2019 00:01

Today, my son proudly announced to me that he has been learning to cut out shapes at school, and that he'd cut out some ovals and wanted to show me. He showed me the pictures of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson and Jackson and their corresponding bills. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2012 23:32 - United States

Today, I checked over my notes from yesterday's midterm review so I could study for the test on Monday. It seems I was so exhausted, I'd done nothing but scribble unintelligibly all over the first page. FML

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By yum - 7/7/2013 05:09 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After taking a long sip, I noticed a weird taste. Upon investigation, I found a small caterpillar wedged inside the straw. FML

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By Byepax - 6/3/2015 14:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom found out I'm failing three classes. Now she won't let me go to a convention I bought passes for weeks in advance. Each pass was $45, and I bought 2 more for my friends. You do the math on that, because I apparently can't. FML

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By bman - 7/4/2012 06:41 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

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By harry - 6/12/2008 07:51 - France

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

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By Stuck - 8/9/2011 10:00 - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

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By Doc - 18/8/2018 13:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

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By TordNorski - 3/10/2015 02:44 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2010 23:04 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

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By damn... - 28/10/2008 08:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a job conference. At lunch, I saw this stunning guy. At dessert time, I coughed so much that the piece of chocolate cake in my mouth went straight onto his glasses. I think it's too late to introduce myself now. FML

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By Sick Guy - 24/3/2018 20:30 - United States - Boynton Beach

buys case of Listerine

Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 14:40 - Latvia

Today, my fiancée and I showed my mother-in-law a picture of the location at which we'll be holding our wedding reception. It's a beautiful waterfront building overlooking the ocean. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Looks like a good place to commit suicide." FML

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By rhartnett11 - 16/2/2011 12:56

Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

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By FUKDOUG - 15/1/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, I was trying to finish an english assignment and I was not sure how to complete it. So I emailed my teacher asking and she said flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML

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By clueless2 - 20/2/2009 15:38 - United States

Today, I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. We had shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. Turns out, he was gone. So was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 05:44 - United States

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

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By bibou2324 - 18/4/2012 20:41

Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2018 06:00

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 02:19 - Reserved

Today, after several long years, a lot of debt, and two great degrees from a top university, I had to move back in with my parents, because no matter where I look, I can't find a job. FML

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By mikej1985 - 20/3/2009 17:11 - Canada

Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw my boss pulling into a spot. I thought I would show him my reverse parking skills and decided to park beside him. As I was pulling in he opened his door to get out and I smashed into it, nearly running him over. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 10:34 - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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By themanzz - 8/10/2010 12:08 - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

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By Jean - 22/12/2011 08:09 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

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By xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo - 21/5/2016 12:57 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

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By BX - 17/10/2015 12:09 - Netherlands

Today, I found out the hard way that if you spontaneously begin to lose weight, you may have cancer, not an increased metabolism. FML

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By hopelesscollegechick - 7/5/2013 18:14 - United States - Alexander City

Today, I gave a presentation about how teachers don't intervene enough when students are being bullied. Afterwards, I was practically bullied by my teacher for "not choosing a serious topic." FML

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By Girl w/ the Pearl Earring - 22/8/2016 11:46 - Australia - Perth

Today, it was another stressful day of watching servicemen at my job trying to figure out what broke an extremely expensive and essential machine. I'm just waiting for the day they finally discover the earring I dropped into it about a week ago FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 21:35 - Sweden - Staffanstorp

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 17:01

Abuse

Today, I was taking Zoom classes. We live in a one-bedroom apartment, which means I could hear my mom and dad fighting. I didn't notice that my mic wasn't muted. Everyone in my class now thinks that CPS needs to be called to my house. FML

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By samikai523 - 18/4/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By Jackie Campbell - 12/7/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

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By ohno - 14/9/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

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By Fredgruff - 9/1/2010 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

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By burned - 3/2/2015 20:45

Today, I found out that my 4-year-old son is truly convinced that I am a ghost. He also thinks that I died from burning, "because of your face". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By LC - 23/1/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I invited this guy I fooled around with over to "hang out". He's "en route", so I start to make my bed only to find my cat thought this was the best time to tell me she's sick by throwing up in my bed. I only have one set of linen. FML

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By MichiganExile - 31/1/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2013 20:10 - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

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Top comments

By Jeffler | 0

#649211 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:14

To be fair, thats awesome news.

By JohnnyChris | 0

#649405 - Sunday 1 November 2009 19:04

he. probably used it as a reason to call u. that's cool that he thought of u. but he should go visit u instead.

COMMENTS

By mysuckishlife | 0

#649208 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:13

FIRST!!!

atvarela | 0

#649236 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:27

that's nice

Ohnothingreally | 0

#649470 - Sunday 1 November 2009 19:54

I recently realized why saying "first" is a bad thing.
You should probably just comment, and if you got first, favorite it.

testing_fml | 0

#649637 - Sunday 1 November 2009 21:41

Does anyone understand how this is an FML?

redbluegreen | 40

#650174 - Monday 2 November 2009 3:23

It's an FML because the kid's dad doesn't want to talk to them and cares more about updating them about a celebrity getting fired.

Northsidebill | 4

#652695 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:57

I'm guessing because this person doesnt want a gay dad...

MindlessRobot | 0

#825518 - Thursday 4 February 2010 23:31

Maybe the dad just really, really loves Ashlee Simpson?

fsebastianslife | 0

#972967 - Friday 2 April 2010 8:30

quit your bitchin OP, a phone works both ways so STFU.

By Jeffler | 0

#649211 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:14

To be fair, thats awesome news.

White667 | 0

#649922 - Monday 2 November 2009 0:56

OMG? Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place?

By mysuckishlife | 0

#649230 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:24

Hey... I'm not first anymore FML.

By itsmebabe | 0

#649242 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:31

She did?!

By dancingfool23 | 0

#649249 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:37

They are not replacing her, also Auggie is fired too

By Wet_Dream | 0

#649253 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:40

he was drunk !

By Maxine17 | 8

#649262 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:48

I wish I was American so I could understand this fully.
Was she bad on this show or good?

sammisolstice | 0

#649270 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:57

To be honest;
I have no idea.
I just know that Ashlee Simpson has a bad reputation.
And is someone that teenaged girls look up to.
xD

By sammisolstice | 0

#649272 - Sunday 1 November 2009 16:59

Ashlee Simpson's face looks like a foot.
Imagine the bottom side of a foot.
Then look at her face.
It's a perfect match.

By whooooop | 0

#649295 - Sunday 1 November 2009 17:20

she go fired?

mhm she did creep me out tho :o

By JackDupp | 11

#649324 - Sunday 1 November 2009 17:54

Cripes the woman can't sing and now she can't act either. How bad of an actor do you have to be to get fired from Melrose Place.

*buys case of Listerine*

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Abuse

buys case of Listerine