Work: Today, my colleague and I played yet another wonderful game of...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 274

You deserved it 38

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 135

03/10/2014 11:29

Today, my colleague and I played yet another wonderful game of 'Tapeworm or Toilet Paper?' in the homeless shelter's toilets we were asked to clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 471

You deserved it 3 968

Work

Best teeth in the game

Empathy lives

This Charming Man

Does it taste good?

By Oregon - 04/12/2019 18:00

Today, while my boyfriend was fingering me, he accidentally pulled out my NuvaRing, he then licked it off and placed it back inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 720

You deserved it 494

11/05/2012 05:03

Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 200

You deserved it 5 995

10/09/2018 03:30

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 216

You deserved it 212

Weirded out

By Anonymous - 29/09/2021 02:01

Today, my girlfriend told me she is breaking up with me for my friend, because she likes people with diaper fetishes. I had no clue either of them liked that stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 67

18/06/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend of four years decided that the best way to break up with me was to move out of our apartment while I was at work, and then text me a video of himself having sex with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 121

You deserved it 321

06/09/2014 00:13

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 419

You deserved it 10 773

05/05/2012 00:01

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 215

You deserved it 2 708

15/11/2018 13:30

Today, my girlfriend told me I have a doppelganger on campus who looks just like me, but way cuter. She got his phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 751

You deserved it 172

07/09/2010 05:00

Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 298

You deserved it 25 383

The other stage of grief

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 05:03

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing for a few weeks is freaky. At her grandad's funeral, she got so upset she had to leave the room, only to drag me into the priest's office for a quick blowjob. Apparently, death turns her on. I had oral sex at a funeral. I’m going to Hell for sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 069

You deserved it 478

02/12/2012 08:19

Today, my son turned 8. We watched as he unwrapped a $55 Nerf gun, extra 'bullets', new shoes and a school bag with his favorite TV character on the front and a action figure inside. As he finished he looked me straight in the eyes and says, "That's great ma, but seriously what'd you get me?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 697

You deserved it 12 043

30/09/2010 08:19

Today, and every day, a homeless looking man walks into my work, sits down and stares. I'm new to the job so, trying to make new friends, when the guy walked in this time, I went over to a co worker I was really clicking with, and went off about how creepy he was. He replied with "Who, my dad?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 722

You deserved it 32 758

04/02/2012 20:46

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 141

You deserved it 4 654

26/10/2008 12:07

Today, I've learnt that the girl I love thinks I'm gay. To be honest, I'm having doubts too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 252

You deserved it 15 319

11/06/2013 03:23

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 687

You deserved it 17 520

12/06/2009 05:33

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 062

You deserved it 4 216

12/02/2010 08:41

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 580

You deserved it 4 924

Capitalism kills

By malicemassacre - 21/03/2020 15:00

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 213

30/07/2009 12:02

Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart to heart talk. My dildo was sitting on the nightstand. I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 927

You deserved it 53 624

27/09/2016 10:15

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 166

You deserved it 1 957

09/05/2014 23:57

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all the things she could have done in life if I hadn't been born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 362

You deserved it 4 126

QUIET PLEASE

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 05:01

Today, where I live in Germany, you're supposed to be quiet between noon and 3 p.m., so people have a chance to take a nap or just eat lunch in peace, but 3 of my 4 neighbors seem to consider this the ideal time for any project that involves lawn-mowers and power tools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 189

17/09/2017 23:15

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 390

You deserved it 1 535

10/07/2010 12:03

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 492

You deserved it 3 187

#1 Mom

By whoopsboutthecap - 15/11/2011 12:51

Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 194

You deserved it 3 756

Sharkeisha, no

By TIlly - 23/02/2021 14:01

Today, after seeing an old viral video on YouTube, my boyfriend started calling me Sharkeisha. Our friends thought he was implying that I'm violent with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 641

You deserved it 77

02/02/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 401

You deserved it 362

15/01/2009 23:32

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 347

You deserved it 2 005

31/05/2012 20:19

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 581

You deserved it 3 177

05/09/2011 20:23

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 376

You deserved it 3 454

That was quick

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 17:02

Today, my husband told me he doesn't see me in a sexual light. Too bad we've only been married for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 94

How kind...

By NoThanks - 11/05/2018 01:30

Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 318

You deserved it 304

30/09/2011 18:15

Today, while on the bus, I found out the seat I'd taken was the preferred spot of a very hostile and extremely overweight freshman. Instead of letting me find different place to sit, she half sat on me, and completely ignored my attempts to dislodge myself all the way to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 057

You deserved it 2 947

01/04/2014 02:03

Today, my neighbor yelled at me because, according to him, the sound of me scraping the ice off my windshield wakes him up every morning. This is the same neighbor who ran over my mailbox last week because there was too much snow on his windows to see properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 737

You deserved it 3 001

22/05/2009 10:52

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me." An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 108

You deserved it 25 949

25/01/2013 22:41

Today, my school's ski trip got canceled, because "All the snow makes the roads unsafe." We can't go skiing because it's snowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 547

You deserved it 3 309

Artists are unpredictable

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 111

02/11/2015 05:54

Today, my roommate blocked my phone number and won't speak to me. All because I mistakenly used her hand soap, thinking it was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 973

You deserved it 2 166

28/09/2009 15:14

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 683

You deserved it 17 989

14/04/2009 14:07

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 454

You deserved it 19 852

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Top comments

fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:50

I'd feel worse for the poor people who have to use these toilets...

PipingMouse 14

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:08

Make sure you don't touch the toilet seats with any of your body parts because then you'll be playing 'Herpes or Cold Sore?'

Comments

Mattaguirre_ 15

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:44

that's not nice

Jreslier 15

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:58

That's a shit job.

PipingMouse 14

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:25

It's nice that the homeless people have clean toilet seats :) +1 towards my faith in humanity

addictedtoIASIP 14

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Friday 3 October 2014 18:01

It's true, you wouldn't like it either if it were your job

Nilorak 24

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:46

Can I join?

Sakuraashita 15

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:46

That's naaasty!

tony1891 22

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:49

thats a shitty job

Nilorak 24

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:50

No shit.

EverestMelting 23

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:25

I appreciated that shitty comment, #5.

WolfyGrace 24

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Saturday 4 October 2014 9:24

I'm sure there was lots of shit, #5.

fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:50

I'd feel worse for the poor people who have to use these toilets...

201chasew 22

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Friday 3 October 2014 19:11

I would be scarred for life if I shit out a tapeworm

eaglerob 20

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:50

Bank all that karma, you're awesomesauce

dawood_k 27

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:55

So what was it... Tapeworm or paper

devildog562 33

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:56

With the tape worm you get a nice new body and get to eat whatever you want, And possibly have them spread up to your brain!

ohSNAPyall 26

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Saturday 4 October 2014 5:59

But are there any drawbacks?

devildog562 33

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Saturday 4 October 2014 9:28

Negative, weight loss and a three foot worm seems okay to me !

candyolympics 17

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Sunday 5 October 2014 6:04

#48, More like a 50 foot worm that can live up to 20 years in your intestines.

thebigtwinkie 28

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:07

may the shit puns beging

PipingMouse 14

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:08

Make sure you don't touch the toilet seats with any of your body parts because then you'll be playing 'Herpes or Cold Sore?'

WCARlover 34

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:13

There is so much wrong with this. Cold sores are heroes, and they aren't spread by toilet seats

PipingMouse 14

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:14

I know that...I did go to health class in high school.

WCARlover 34

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:15

Okay, your comment would suggest otherwise

PipingMouse 14

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:18

Okay, sorry, how about this brainiac? 'Gonnorrhea or Syphilis?' I didn't know that FML comments were so "serious"....

thejimler 9

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Friday 3 October 2014 17:04

#14 they're heroes? I must have missed the pilot episode of the failed cartoon for "Captain Coldsore!"

thesmeagol 22

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Friday 3 October 2014 23:30

thats unfortunate for you 28. Twas an amazing episode.