Transportation: Today, my car crashed and the only refuge was at a nearby house,... - FML

23/11/2009 16:40 - Spain

Today, my car crashed and the only refuge was at a nearby house, the resident of which was a crazy psycho. Now replace "crazy psycho" with "crazy ex-girlfriend who won't help you unless you compose a poem about how much you love her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 036

You deserved it 4 856

This Charming Man

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Empathy lives

24/02/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my appearance to catch the eye of a cute guy at work. I walked in and the woman that sits in the desk beside me looks over and says, "wow, are you sick? You're not looking too good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 186

You deserved it 4 899

10/05/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, I was supposed to catch a 4:40 flight to New York. My 5 year old son handed me my carry on bag as I left the house. Turns out he had put his older brother's BB gun into my bag to "keep me safe." I missed my flight after I was detained and strip-searched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 026

You deserved it 6 328

22/12/2013 05:37 - United States

Today, I went to a local bar for a speed dating event. The first person I hooked up with took one look at my face, burst into laughter, and walked out of the bar practically doubling over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 449

You deserved it 3 632

01/04/2016 01:52 - United States - Lewisburg

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 205

You deserved it 1 546

07/04/2009 11:46 - Ireland

Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 964

You deserved it 178 862

25/06/2013 04:22 - United States - Phoenix

Spicy

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 196

You deserved it 15 330

16/02/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 022

You deserved it 4 393

The bell's end

By Anonymous - 14/07/2021 08:01 - Australia - Kenwick

Today, I dinged a desk-bell at head office and everyone burst into a round of applause for me. I was reamed by HR and served written notice to not ding the bell, because, "Only agents are allowed ding the bell, and only when they close a sale." Sorry, I didn't know about the bell guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 136

18/05/2013 05:22

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 580

You deserved it 6 197

14/07/2014 02:22 - United States - Slinger

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 007

You deserved it 3 406

Caught red-handed

By caught - 09/01/2012 00:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 254

You deserved it 36 149

27/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 798

You deserved it 4 944

10/11/2015 22:34 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I tried to unlock my house's front door by hitting the unlock button on my car keys. It took me some time to realize my mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 892

You deserved it 8 126

26/03/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I got back from a 6 month deployment overseas. My girlfriend of 3 years couldn't pick me up from the airport because she had an intramural softball game to go to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 318

You deserved it 6 301

14/06/2015 17:06 - United States

Today, I finally confronted my mom about how I felt about her three divorces. She then explained that she went through the divorces because I failed to keep the house clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 733

You deserved it 2 614

31/10/2010 09:05 - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 343

You deserved it 3 295

Kids…

By guessimdead - 19/04/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 997

You deserved it 3 702

09/09/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 244

You deserved it 43 598

09/08/2015 03:10 - United States - Forest City

Today, I saw a huge wolf spider in my room. It ran off and hid before I could kill it, but after two hours looking for it then giving up, I finally found it, with my foot, as I put on my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 347

You deserved it 2 430

21/05/2013 22:47 - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 695

You deserved it 3 390

Detained

By Sonakshi - 11/09/2020 13:03 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I forgot to bring a letter to my secondary school, so I went to detention. I told them it got lost, but it's only when my parents phoned and told them the same thing that they believed it. So I got detention for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 195

22/06/2014 20:06 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I was at the reading of my grandma's will. Apparently I was removed from it some time ago, and the £2,500 I would have gotten went to my cheating bitch of an ex-fiancée. It seems my grandma adored her, and never forgave me for "driving her away" from the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 059

You deserved it 5 210

Heist

By Pedro the Basuraman - 11/05/2018 20:30

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 295

You deserved it 188

25/02/2009 01:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 135 658

You deserved it 24 401

Run for the hills!

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 17:00

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 070

You deserved it 221

05/08/2019 02:02

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 198

You deserved it 161

Healthy relationship goals

By leapfrog998 - 05/08/2021 14:01 - Canada - Bancroft

Today, my husband told me to stop being friends with my best guy friend because I won't let him hang out with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457

You deserved it 858

Wow, thanks, I'm cured

By Anonymous - 07/02/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I vented to my friend about how unhappy I am and how I want to kill myself. What did she say? "Don't do that." That was it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 228

01/03/2015 19:24 - India - Jamshedpur

Spicy

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 905

You deserved it 8 309

05/10/2010 02:39 - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 207

You deserved it 2 475

Sucker

By Brenden - 25/01/2021 13:59

Spicy

Today, my ex-girlfriend called me say she needed her car repaired. I fixed it as fast as I could so she could get back on her way, only to find out she’s on her way to my friend's place to have her guts rearranged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 613

19/01/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 3 678

16/05/2009 00:11 - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 396

You deserved it 18 170

22/06/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, my dad informed me that I will be staying in the bug-infested shed for the summer when I come to visit, due to his girlfriend's sewing workspace completely taking over the only room I've ever had at his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 698

You deserved it 2 592

14/04/2016 05:13 - United States

Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 774

You deserved it 5 767

21/03/2019 12:00 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 354

You deserved it 252

Feed me!

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 08:01 - Luxembourg - Luxembourg

Today, my Visa card randomly stopped working. I have no other way of getting money or paying for anything. I was going to buy next week's food tomorrow, but I guess I'll just starve instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 153

06/03/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 330

You deserved it 6 539

Worth it.

By Anonymous - 19/06/2018 01:30

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 890

You deserved it 362

18/11/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 943

You deserved it 70 978

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Top comments

perdix 29

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:30

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I crashed my car intentionally outside your house because I still really love you but I don't have the courage to admit it to myself and definitely not to you. Thank heaven for "free" verse.

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:12

I'd rather stay in the car...

Comments

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:09

first!!!!] OMG

allmidnighteyes 10

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:12

Exclaiming, "first!!!!" is only cool when you're finished doing a virgin.

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:56

I thought you was a women at first because you said you crashed your car.... But then you said your ex girlfriend and i was like WTF!?!?! Dammit your a disgrace to the male species, just crawl back into your bedroom and only come out once you have grown a pair of lemons, and then you must wait for your coconuts to shrink so you can only visibly see the leafs. Thankyou for your time, I hope i helped. O and this is officialy the THIRD comment, Someone tell me im wrong? ok

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Monday 23 November 2009 23:40

likes this

anonymous1091 0

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 10:11

great call *cheers*. hahhahah . i dont know how people say YDI for things like this... oh well

BlueJeans2626 0

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 23:38

# 19 is such a douche!! and as for the FML... can you say karma?!

BlueJeans2626 0

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 23:40

btw number NINTEEN you're not the thurd comment :)

lolx7 5

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 1:05

wow.......

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:12

I'd rather stay in the car...

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:14

Shoulda kept walking to the next house.

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Monday 23 November 2009 21:20

Considering this FML comes from Spain, his English could be poor. FHL.

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Monday 23 November 2009 21:52

agreed. i clicked ydi jus cuz it was written like this

VeganVampyre 26

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Saturday 17 September 2011 16:32

49- I don't think that's true, because they have this site in other languages, for the people who speak those languages.

catastrophicsock 0

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:15

"Today, my car crashed" WHAT?! That doesn't even make sense. Either you wrecked it or someone hit you. Also, why didn't you use your cell phone to call emergency services?

chinCHILLaOUT 0

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:49

Not everyone has a cell-phone.

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:17

I had to read this fml over a few times for it to make sense. There's no need to write it like you're a liturgical scholar or something. "Today I crashed my car. The only place I could go to for help was my crazy (psycho) ex-girlfriend who wouldn't help me unless I wrote her a poem telling her how much I love her. FML" ...a lot clearer and direct.

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 2:28

I read it once and it made sense to me right away.

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 8:42

me too. i understand it perfectly and i kind of like the way he phrased his post.

VeganVampyre 26

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Saturday 17 September 2011 16:29

I don't. The grammar was horrible, which does make it a bit difficult to fully understand what they meant.

MBSC 11

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Monday 16 September 2013 0:48

It's probably a translation from Spanish. Since he's from Spain...

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:17

I don't understand this.

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:21

I think you're dumb...storyteller.

catastrophicsock 0

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Monday 23 November 2009 21:19

Um, that was in response to #18. Not sure why it posted it in the wrong spot

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Monday 23 November 2009 23:52

yes because everyone all over the world should know PERFECT ENGLISH. *sarcasm*

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 0:00

Finally someone that doesn't complain. :) If you don't understand the FML move on.

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:22

"My car crashed." I love how you blame the car.

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Thursday 1 December 2011 3:18

lol win^

mitis 0

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:25

haha I thought it was funny! "my car crashed" is just a phrase, i getcha. I lol'd

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Monday 23 November 2009 20:27

So...did you write the poem?!

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 180

You deserved it 41

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 107