By really?! - 22/3/2020 06:30

Troll level 3000

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Walk on the wild side

Gas giant

By holyshitbatman - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

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30419

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

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5041

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298

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By Xia - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

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31708

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By Poorphone - United States - Denver

Today, my car got stuck in a foot of snow. I tried desperately digging around my wheels to see if it would help. I was finally able to get out 10 minutes later only to realize that I had dropped my phone in the snow while I was digging and had run over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8766

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1004

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By Confused lesbian - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4368

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278

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By Anonymous

Phones, how do they work?!

Today, a voicemail suddenly appeared in my messages. Last week I missed a call from an Unknown, no number was listed. Turns out they wanted to arrange an interview for a job I really wanted, they left a number in the voicemail telling me to call them back that day if I was interested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1490

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260

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By isucksomuch - Canada

Today, I found out my mother cleans the dishes with bathroom cleaning chemicals. She doesn't see anything wrong with this. FML

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34960

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2659

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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47428

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By Anonymous

Today, after getting home from the supermarket, I went to unlock the door so my dad could carry the groceries in. No matter how hard or how many different ways I tried, the lock wouldn't shift. My dad eventually grabbed the keys, twisted once, and after the door unlocked, called me an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35458

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By Socklessandsmelly - United States

Today, after 7 hours on my feet at work, my boyfriend picked me up. Relieved, I took off my shoes. Suddenly, he looked up and sniffed asking,"are those your feet?" I had forgotten to put on socks in my rush to work. He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19722

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By Teddy Bear

Today, while working in a kids' shop, I absent-mindedly called a small person with his mum a little man. I then hear a deep man's voice say "I'm not a little man." FML

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2080

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By raebelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

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36555

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10735

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

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1949

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272

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By fuckmyhair - 16/4/2020 23:00

Stuck

Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

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1408

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203

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mom heard on TV that teens need at least ten hours of sleep a day. Now she makes me go to bed at 7pm. I told her I can't finish my homework in time, and my grades will suffer. She wouldn't listen. Last week, she threatened to punish me if I don't get straight As this semester. FML

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29678

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1971

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By Kevin - France

Today, a friend told me over MSN that her father had died. Trying to express some solidarity, I went to send her a tearful smiley. I accidentally sent her the dancing pig animation instead. FML

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20289

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By hater

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

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64141

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14794

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By NotYourToy - United States - Binghamton

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

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22633

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2120

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By forest killer girl

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

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3154

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565

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By MrDisgrace

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

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4436

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349

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

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8901

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

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48599

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By pinky - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 month old son decided that my lip ring was a toy. Thinking it would be ok, I let him touch it. He got his finger caught and pulled his hand back. The lip ring is still in, but now I have a huge gaping hole in my face. FML

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11483

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By level6 - United States

Today, after constantly checking my email for a week, I finally got a letter saying that I was accepted to take a test for a job position. The only problem is I was scheduled to test today, eight hours ago. FML

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29291

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By fireenginemad - United States - Vancouver

Today, my roommate found an eviction notice on our door for unpaid rent. Our apartment building caught fire and we haven't been living there for well over a month because it was legally unlivable. Today was our first day back. FML

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35208

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By queenofthegypsys - 1/3/2020 23:00

Why Change a Perfectly Good System?

Today, while creeping on my boyfriend's ex-wife’s Facebook, I found out that he used to call her the same nicknames he now calls me. FML

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991

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850

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By ohdeardarling - United Kingdom

Today, I went over to my boyfriends house with a few people. I drank too much wine and later when everyone else left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. FML

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13660

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By Anonymous - United States - Wexford

Today, my aunt informed me that my dad thinks my boyfriend is a loser deadbeat because he hasn't proposed to me after two years of dating and co-habitation. He hasn't asked because I already made it very clear I have no interest in marriage. FML

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21267

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4828

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML

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36884

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By anoymus - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

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63793

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2020 22:59

Observational comedy

Today, I, an insecure high school student, told my 11-year-old sister that I got my period in third grade. She responded with, “What?! Then how come you didn’t have tits until last year?” FML

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962

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By trippiex

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

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1710

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By nicki - United States

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

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31385

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By loveless - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

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33531

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5685

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By Anonymous - United States - Quitman

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

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4830

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2771

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By paparoach - United States - Kapolei

Today, I was at an outdoors Christmas party and I jokingly complained that my son says 'mama' way more than he says 'dada'. One of my students was at the party and watched him for a couple of hours. He taught him to say 'dada' every time he sees a bug. FML

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29470

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By Qwerty - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

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34914

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5268

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By Kira - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

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24853

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13494

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By Anonymous - United States - Pembroke

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

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13832

You deserved it

1113

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By magicmaster19

Today, my mom complained that I never do anything nice for her, so while out shopping I bought her favorite chocolate bar. When I got home, she screamed at me because she’s on a diet. FML

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1661

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7891350 - Sunday 22 March 2020 7:14

He's probably right unless you get lucky with a surveillance camera or get the note DNA-tested.

Let's just hope the motherfucker gets coronavirus!

By FunnyTechGuy | 2

#7891522 - Sunday 22 March 2020 20:51

It will be okay. Karma knows where he lives!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7891350 - Sunday 22 March 2020 7:14

He's probably right unless you get lucky with a surveillance camera or get the note DNA-tested.

Let's just hope the motherfucker gets coronavirus!

By FunnyTechGuy | 2

#7891522 - Sunday 22 March 2020 20:51

It will be okay. Karma knows where he lives!

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893409 - Sunday 29 March 2020 23:03

In my experience, an investigation would find a certain block of time of the day it happened and pay certain managers to take a peak at cameras then get a make model year and color of the car, take that to the auto shops around town and see which one is working on a match. Then call the police.