Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break... - FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:15 - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 656

You deserved it 1 636

Walk the line

Mama's boy

Second Life

By ... - 07/02/2014 20:30 - United States - Glen Carbon

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 719

You deserved it 4 053

By anonymous - 24/06/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 624

You deserved it 5 207

By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 777

You deserved it 3 124

By the2girls - 09/08/2011 16:08 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 018

You deserved it 5 194

Cursed

By IHaveATypeAparently - 25/07/2021 06:01

Today, I found out one of my exes is trans. I’m very happy for her, but I’m starting to think I have the wrong type, as I have had 3 ex-boyfriends come out as gay and 3 come out at trans right after breaking up. I really hope my current boyfriend doesn’t have a secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 144

By very punny - 03/09/2014 03:18 - United States - Odenton

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 541

You deserved it 6 397

By Nanabanana1 - 07/02/2012 01:23 - United States

Today, I was dumped. My boyfriend was too afraid to break up with me, so he sent the girl he cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 944

You deserved it 2 847

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 02:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 782

You deserved it 4 144

The truth will set you free

By Imnotfromhere - 29/08/2021 23:01

Today, I told my mom I was with my female friend last night, because I wasn't ready to tell her about my new boyfriend. I didn't realize he gave me a hickey and now my whole family thinks I'm a lesbian. They won't stop making fun of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 885

By deeenalynn - 18/07/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 800

You deserved it 4 256

By anonymous - 12/12/2014 01:17 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 039

You deserved it 3 426

You go Glenn Coco!

By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 17:07

Spicy

Today, my very top boyfriend told me he was ready to try being the bottom. He moaned and complained about the pain the entire time, even though I got less than 2 inches in, and then got angry I was taking so long to cum. I thought I was the drama queen in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 288

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 23:42 - Canada

Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I decided that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 094

You deserved it 7 444

By Anonymous - 10/05/2017 10:00 - United States - Medina

Today, the toilet in the IT department basement broke and flooded the room with a foot of water. In the process, it destroyed a $7000 server and an equally expensive power supply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 200

You deserved it 336

This Is Us

By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 141

By SwoopingEagle - 09/06/2017 20:00

Today, my co-workers were laughing at me because I couldn't throw paper into the bin, regardless of how close I was. Annoyed, I tried to prove then wrong by angry throwing paper into the bin that was no less that 1 cm away from me. I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 790

You deserved it 1 277

By Anonymous - 19/04/2012 14:14 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 436

You deserved it 24 790

By vanessa_d15 - 09/11/2009 07:55 - Canada

Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 722

You deserved it 6 639

By Garrett - 10/03/2017 15:00 - United States - Vista

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 647

You deserved it 344

It found you

By Anonymous - 20/04/2020 02:00

Today, a dog came up to me while I was sitting on my porch. I used my belt as a leash to go try to find its owner. After an hour of looking in the rain, I gave up and let it go. Now I'm back in my house and it won't stop pawing and barking at my door. It's 3:00 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 148

You deserved it 1 030

By okay17 - 29/12/2014 05:00 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 903

You deserved it 5 086

By dave - 27/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 719

You deserved it 68 386

By Tank - 16/07/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together, I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 542

You deserved it 751

By KS - 17/02/2009 20:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 195

You deserved it 8 923

By srs - 11/08/2018 20:30

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 996

You deserved it 479

By Unnoticed - 27/07/2017 06:30 - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 078

You deserved it 308

By She totally did not cheat - 15/08/2018 22:00

Spicy

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 200

You deserved it 240

By Peter80 - 03/03/2009 14:55 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 191

You deserved it 73 478

By ScarletBuckeye - 09/07/2016 16:38

Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes. So I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes. But at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 436

You deserved it 4 953

By Chris - 05/04/2012 02:50 - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 197

You deserved it 22 667

By Anonymous - 07/08/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650

You deserved it 96

By sadsadlady - 14/12/2009 20:25 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 912

You deserved it 3 721

By LoveYouTooMa - 20/06/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 889

You deserved it 32 495

By Anonymous - 17/02/2012 08:01 - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 408

You deserved it 2 261

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 23:23 - United States

Today, my date kissed me after our second date. The way he leaned towards my mouth was very romantic. He's pretty tall, so I stretched myself as high as possible to make the kiss as passionate as possible. That's how I ended up belching into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 827

You deserved it 10 102

No plus ones

By Partypoooped - 23/09/2021 01:59

Today, I invited my best friend of 15 years to my birthday party. He wants to bring his girlfriend of a year along, because she feels "threatened" by our friendship, and thinks "He’ll cheat." I'd already put the deposit for the venue and it costs $50 per additional guest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 282

By ripmyphone - 13/01/2016 01:18 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 959

You deserved it 1 716

By CheeseyPotatoes - 11/04/2011 13:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 670

You deserved it 73 398

By fmyarse - 22/07/2012 22:45 - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 578

You deserved it 48 789

It's all fun and games, until…

By Anonymous - 25/06/2021 20:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, I have to give some serious thought to hair extensions. Not for myself, though. My horse let her canine friend rip her tail hairs out during play, and now she has no defense against the bugs. Know any hairdressers who make house calls to horses? FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 73

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:02

I hope you called the police and everything worked out, OP!

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:02

Get a restraining order!!

Comments

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:02

I hope you called the police and everything worked out, OP!

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Friday 1 January 2016 18:03

Not likely. My downstairs neighbor broke into my apartment two weeks ago while I was in bed, started throwing around furniture (including my computer desk) and shouting he was going to kill me. The police came and made a show of processing the scene, but a week later they told me straight out they have more important things to do than serve warrants for breaking&entering and assault.

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:02

Get a restraining order!!

FSGInsainity 15

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:30

They were breaking in, they wouldn't care.

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Friday 1 January 2016 9:14

It's just a peice of paper.. I would get a pistol but that's just me...

firefighter925 18

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Friday 1 January 2016 10:01

Or a shotgun

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Friday 1 January 2016 13:23

Or an m7.

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:03

Omg! I hope the police got there fast!

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:05

What is wrong with people!!! Restraining order is a must have in this case .. Hope you're ok OP

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Friday 1 January 2016 15:32

Restraining orders are just a piece of paper that keep the honest honest. If they are willing to bust down a door, they already face at least breaking and entering, trespassing or vandalism. Violating a piece of paper that says no won't stop them. A gun on the other hand will once they break down that door.

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Saturday 2 January 2016 7:47

It makes their punishment worse so having it helps

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:07

hopefully you had your gun ready for when he stepped through the door.

skalavecci462 13

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Friday 1 January 2016 23:01

you do know that it could be a woman as well, right? if it was said to be a woman breaking in, everyone would say, "She can't hurt him or anything.," but if it's a man breaking in, feminists jump all over it screeching, "THAT ASSHOLE NEEDS TO DIE. CIS MALE SCUM!"

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Saturday 2 January 2016 10:38

Doesn't exactly say if it's a he.

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:09

Yea maybe get a restraining order....or move far away from their psycho ass

engineerosaurus 26

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Friday 1 January 2016 8:21

Restraining order, a taser and a large-gauge shotgun.

CharismaGeek 19

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:10

What the fuck would her reason be? Get over that person because it obviously didn't work out. Simple as that. :/

countryb_cth 38

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Friday 1 January 2016 9:16

It's simple to any sane person but I highly doubt OP's ex was thinking rationally at that point in time.

roxyroller20 15

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Sunday 3 January 2016 7:43

OP never specified their ex's gender :/

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:12

Like any respectable psycho ex, she's probably just trying to ensure you get your New Year's kiss and that she get a few locks of your hair.

PossiblyInDanger 24

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:16

Time to rekindle the romance for a new year, eh?

prettygurl89 16

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Friday 1 January 2016 7:20

I hope he or she didn't get in!

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 370

You deserved it 108

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 2 600