Work: Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major hospital. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Sorry…

Basic Instinct

By shellie - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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By boudinette - France - Saint-martin-d'heres

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I'm a graduate but still an unpaid intern. My daily work is folding letters and putting them into envelopes. The sad thing is, I actually enjoy doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monson

Today, I started my new job as the only IT tech for my office. My first task: untangling the hundred mice the previous tech tied together for "fun". FML

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By rogerusmc23 - Japan

Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML

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By Greg

Today, I arrived to apply for my much-needed dream job. Without warning, just as the elevator opened, a complete stranger kicked me square in the nads. FML

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By Spencer Chan

Today, I ended a 15-year relationship. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. It was my parents'. FML

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By bluecollar - United States

Today, there was a luncheon at work in another dept. We all went to get some free food and see new faces. There was a hot girl walking around chatting. I grabbed my buddy's arm and told him there was a "nice pair of tits here" He saw her. It's his daughter. She's a new-hire... running HR. FML

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By lamortdeshommes - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML

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By

Today, my teacher told me that unless I went into medicine, math, or engineering, I would never amount to anything in life. This wasn't even two minutes after I told him I want to be an author. FML

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By mirandatheunicorn

Today, I was having a beautiful lucid dream when a telemarketer called at 5AM, waking me up. I silenced my phone and went back to sleep, and was somehow able to resume my lucid dream. Then my phone vibrated me awake. It was the same telemarketer, this time calling at 7AM. FML

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By Mj - Canada - Windsor

Today, I farted in a public pool and watched in horror as bubbles of death gas floated up beside my son who started calling me the fart monster in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

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By foreverAlone - United States - Chesapeake Beach

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

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By Hth - United States

Today, for the 25th time, an Indian called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having it off. FML

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By youredisgusting - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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By SadMan - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. Turns out they are firing 35 people. I wasn't on the list until I asked for a raise. FML

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By BowTiesAr3Cool - United States - Irving

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

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By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

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By koanroak - United States - Carrollton

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

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By vanillapudding6 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

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By Embarressed... - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

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By mala_19 - Sweden - Skellefte?

Follow the instructions

Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. When I took it out, a big chunk of dog hair came with it. I think I'm too grossed out to ever use it again. FML

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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By HOe HOe HOe - United States

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

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By bad date - United States - Bennet

Today, my date made me pay him for picking me up, and taking me back home. FML

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By Khagen - 27/1/2021 05:01

Supportive

Today, after two rounds of antibiotics, I got a yeast infection. My husband started calling me "Yeasty." FML

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By i fuckin love habaneros - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

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By Jess - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I called my boyfriend. He answered with, "Hey, I'll call you back when this goes to commercial." FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I dated smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML

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By AUDONEE - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

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By buxton1 - United States - Ramona

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

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By Evaki1 - Greece

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML

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By lol112 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

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By christous - France

Today, I should have given my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by and now I'm on my own. FML

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By Missa - Canada

False accusation

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7-year-olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

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By Spoilicious - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was reading a book in public. Some bastard stranger came over and started spoiling the plot for me. FML

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Top comments

By Leeono | 26

#7528801 - Saturday 12 August 2017 9:05

Intellectual intelligence does not always equate to wisdom.... I work in retail with a few college graduates and their lack of common sense sometimes is staggering!

By Danne696 | 14

#7532048 - Monday 21 August 2017 2:12

How much idiot proofing can a photocopier need? Just write out instructions and tape it to the front of the machine. Do I have too much faith in the intelligence of people?

COMMENTS

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7528756 - Saturday 12 August 2017 5:00

Well, now you have job security! ;-)

By Leeono | 26

#7528801 - Saturday 12 August 2017 9:05

Intellectual intelligence does not always equate to wisdom.... I work in retail with a few college graduates and their lack of common sense sometimes is staggering!

By Danne696 | 14

#7532048 - Monday 21 August 2017 2:12

How much idiot proofing can a photocopier need? Just write out instructions and tape it to the front of the machine. Do I have too much faith in the intelligence of people?

Reply

Lee Elliott | 4

#7532053 - Monday 21 August 2017 3:06

probably, but then again, apparently so did i, as that was my first response too.

Reply

onceuponatime456 | 16

#7532349 - Monday 21 August 2017 22:33

Yes, you do!

Reply

Talented73 | 54

#7532668 - Tuesday 22 August 2017 21:21

yes

By exileonmainst | 16

#7532050 - Monday 21 August 2017 2:46

Press the "any key"? Which button is the "any key"?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7532051 - Monday 21 August 2017 2:56

Don’t do too good of a job or you’ll be out of work.

Let these geniuses continue to fuck up the printer/copier and cheerfully fix it for them. Assuming you want to stay employed.

By Lee Elliott | 4

#7532052 - Monday 21 August 2017 3:05

hey, can't be an expert in everything, gotta have give-and-take somewhere. maybe have instructions laminated above the damn thing.

By readingrachel | 9

#7532063 - Monday 21 August 2017 3:48

Consider this OP they are all trained as doctors their job is healthcare not office work. So maybe that gap on their knowledge is because they literally are saving lives instead of making files

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Vkfan | 28

#7532083 - Monday 21 August 2017 7:11

I was 6 when I learned how to use a photocopier: you put the original on the top and press "print". There's no room for a "knowledge gap"

By Trina Buehrer Salas | 7

#7532065 - Monday 21 August 2017 3:58

I work in a similar field and, with few exceptions, the more acronyms/initials after their name, the less common sense people seem to have.

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7532080 - Monday 21 August 2017 7:00

Step 1 Place an arrow by "start". Step 2 Repeat if extra copies are needed.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7532088 - Monday 21 August 2017 8:02

I'm going to an engeneering school atm and printers are humantiys biggest foe

Reply

Stiggy626 | 25

#7532116 - Monday 21 August 2017 9:46

and plotters, which I guess are just big ass printers haha so nevermind