Love: Today, my boyfriend told me I was the only girl he'd ever text,...

By girlwithaprob - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was the only girl he'd ever text, call, or flirt with again. Later on he told two other girls exactly the same thing on Facebook, not realizing that everybody can read wall messages. FML

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Love

Commando

Dangling modifier

Doomed

By Activesleeper - Australia - Flinders

Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML

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By far23 - United States

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

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By frenchienyx

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

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By byepolar_bare - United States

Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

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By Bes - Canada

Today, at school, I was trying to pee in the stall, but I couldn't. I repeatedly pushed my bladder. Unfortunately, I didn't realize a number of thing. My stall was open, I made noises from frustration, and I looked like I was jacking off. When I gave up, somebody clapped and yelled, "FINALLY!" FML

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By spekledworf - United States - Plymouth

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

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By Kirstie Campbell - 8/6/2020 08:08

Ups and downs

Today, I finally realized that my bipolar depression gets worse in hot weather. I live in Hawaii. FML

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By meme71

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

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By Lifeguard - United States

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

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By notsobig - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

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By Unwelcome - 29/11/2020 11:02

Be better, people

Today, I went to my fiancé’s family’s house for dinner. They put pork and/or alcohol in EVERY. SINGLE. DISH. Including putting bacon grease in the desserts. They know I’m Muslim and his mom insisted I was being rude for only drinking water. We ended up leaving with me in tears. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

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By piratequeen - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML

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By eeewww

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and he ejaculated without warning, shooting straight up my nostril. I accidentally snorted it, started choking, and then coughed it up in my mouth. FML

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By Ouchies - United States

Today, while cleaning up, I dropped a box of thumbtacks, spilling them all over the floor. As I fumbled to pick them up, the power went out. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

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By fantastic - France

Today, I went to the store to get Valentine's Day gifts to decorate my boyfriend's and my new apartment. He was there shopping with his wife. FML

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By iannie - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was swimming, I noticed a few really hot guys passing. Trying to be sexy, I slowly got out of the water, showing off my body. I showed a bit more than I expected when I realized my bikini bottom had fallen off. FML

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By 8reth72 - United States

Today, I was helping a couple come up with a name for the baby they just had. I suggested "Joshua" thinking that it was an okay name. All sudden, the room got quiet. Turns out I had forgotten that Joshua was the name of their 3 year old son who had died a couple months before. FML

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By fuck.jpg.bmp.gif.rar.zip.shit - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I got lost, and eventually noticed that I'd passed by the same house a few times. Apparently somebody who lives on that street noticed as well, because the next time I passed by, the police were waiting for me. FML

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By 0867142 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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By Balphleair - Lebanon - Saida

Fight the power!

Today, my country went on strike and is overthrowing the government, and I'm stuck on a night shift at work. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to wake up to a text from my boyfriend that said, "U got competition." FML

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By AkiAnime - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out that the huge project I've been working on for the past week is actually a group project. Everyone in my group knew. They were just letting me do the entire thing by myself because I'm "smart". FML

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By danam - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I've spent nearly three weeks indulging my boyfriend's weird fetish, where he wears a hockey mask and I call him Jason. He just confessed it isn't really a fetish for him and that was just fucking with me. He's already told all his friends. I'm humiliated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

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By Shrimpy

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

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By ko

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd come over and help me move a heavy dresser so I could paint the wall behind it. After an hour of waiting for him, I decided to move it myself. He finally arrived, not ten minutes after I broke my toe when I accidentally dropped the dresser on it. FML

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By Sissy - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By nsJ - United States

Today, I got an email from a Scholarship Program reminding me that they had rejected me 3 months ago. Thanks for reminding me I might not make it to college. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1696725 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:22

I love watching peoples' lives fall apart via Facebook :)

By felton | 0

#1696645 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:06

What a dumbass! Lol .

COMMENTS

By kk15375 | 0

#1696639 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:05

that sucks :/

By felton | 0

#1696645 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:06

What a dumbass! Lol .

ledzeppelinIV | 0

#1697661 - Sunday 14 November 2010 4:29

I agree what a dumbass

miraggg | 1

#1697902 - Sunday 14 November 2010 5:41

i agree.. like seriously who doesnt know that wall posts are public. what an Asshole!

gladstone123 | 5

#1701549 - Sunday 14 November 2010 19:07

I agree! Dump that idiot!

By kristineszLIFE | 0

#1696647 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:06

Idiot

By Hgielad_720 | 0

#1696650 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:06

Why are you whining on FML? Dump that stupid bitch!

Hgielad_720 | 0

#1696694 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:10

Well fuck me sideways and call me Alan (FML Staff), I'm a stupid, stupid little girl.

Hgielad_720 | 0

#1696763 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:38

Wow. I didn't realize that's why it got modded.

Hgielad_720 | 0

#1696767 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:40

Also, don't act like I actually read the rules. Who would be stupid enough to waste their time doing that?

cooluc | 0

#1697102 - Sunday 14 November 2010 1:47

<3 Sirin

InDenial | 6

#1699931 - Sunday 14 November 2010 12:04

Sirin is awesome! :p

bamagrl410 | 31

#1704088 - Monday 15 November 2010 9:17

Ahahaha Sirin ftw again.

By LeChuck | 0

#1696653 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:06

Ha!

He sucks at cheating.

By macskapingvin | 0

#1696659 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:07

Maybe he just has trouble remembering your name.

By tex_mex13 | 0

#1696686 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:09

you should dump him just for being stupid , oh yeah and cheating on you

By ladies_man217 | 0

#1696688 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:09

who the hell cares it's not like he cheated on you

By janelly16 | 7

#1696691 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:10

haha he pulled a fail

jackirose | 0

#1696749 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:28

ha. your name is Janel
kinda rhymes with anal
your picture makes it look even more true...

butthole_cheeze | 0

#1696900 - Sunday 14 November 2010 1:18

hahahah 19, that was the funniest sh i have read on fml.

AmberrJade | 0

#1697628 - Sunday 14 November 2010 4:12

19; that was hilare :')

wilsonchewy | 0

#1700464 - Sunday 14 November 2010 15:14

janelly16 you are very hot

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1696702 - Sunday 14 November 2010 0:12

He got nailed by the "dumbass" detector.