Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74311

You deserved it

4909

Favorite

Work

Dog whisperer

Social distancing done right

Always ask for documentation

By ilikemusicokay - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. Since I knew it would take a while, I brought my iPod in for entertainment. To bad it disabled me from hearing the continuous knocks on the door as well as the manager eventually picking the lock and busting in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12562

You deserved it

46445

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date. I went to the bathroom for five minutes and returned to find my date had not only left, but poured ketchup all over our food to ruin it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2489

You deserved it

178

Favorite

By Anonymous - Israel - Petah Tiqwa

Today, I was showing the Instagram of my crush to my cousin. He double-tapped the picture, thinking it would zoom it in. It was posted 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6547

You deserved it

1484

Favorite

By nubs

Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300km away with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2640

You deserved it

135

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I missed my history exam because they'd changed the day. Apparently they sent out an email to let everyone know. Too bad I'd banned myself from the internet in order to study for the exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34590

You deserved it

9926

Favorite

By fml_seriouslyfml - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27522

You deserved it

43247

Favorite

By youonlyneed2squares

Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34050

You deserved it

2890

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my boss gave me a new assignment at work: go online and look for my own replacement, then interview him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31691

You deserved it

2203

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42927

You deserved it

4399

Favorite

By stupidapperently - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31595

You deserved it

2392

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12816

You deserved it

38154

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8654

You deserved it

2221

Favorite

By crushed dreams - United States

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18460

You deserved it

243124

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33074

You deserved it

8194

Favorite

By rainastartree - United States - Crum Lynne

Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46933

You deserved it

14811

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, while dropping files off at my boss's house, I tripped and fell into his fish tank. We both watched as a crack spread all the way across the glass and shattered, covering his carpet in fish and water. His only words to me were, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4302

You deserved it

530

Favorite

By veggocake - United States

Today, an old friend that I never really liked invited me to lunch while she was in town. While driving back to her car, I couldn't find my phone, so she offered to call it. She found it under the passenger seat and also saw that when she called, her name came up as "Sabrina-IGNORE". FML

I agree, your life sucks

8781

You deserved it

63245

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53868

You deserved it

5370

Favorite

By CJ - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15090

You deserved it

2284

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27270

You deserved it

4204

Favorite

By paytonallyce - United States - Springfield

Today, I got a bug bite on my boob. I scratched it so much it started bleeding so I put a bandaid on it. Turns out the band-aid had latex in it and I got an allergic reaction to it. The bug bite is still bleeding and the top half of my boob is swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10769

You deserved it

1290

Favorite

By GingerJ - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34927

You deserved it

8335

Favorite

By notamum - Australia - Belmont

Today, I was babysitting my 4-month-old niece at the park, when a woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get your figure back soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43531

You deserved it

4680

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was kneeling down at work to do some cleaning. My co-worker said, "Oh don't your knees hurt, kneeling like that for so long?" Without thinking how it sounded, I said, "Oh no, it's not a problem. I'm on my knees all the time." He's yet to stop hitting on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24943

You deserved it

49675

Favorite

By Abr829 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing an essay for English. I was proud of it and thought it was one of my best works. I decided to show it to my mom, who is an English major. She read it, turned to me and said, "You know, if you actually want to go to UCLA, you're going to need to actually try." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31108

You deserved it

4600

Favorite

By well then... - Canada - London

Today, as I was crossing to the US, I got pulled over by border patrol for looking "suspicious". The female cop searched my purse and found a condom. She smirked and said, "I doubt you'd ever need that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52303

You deserved it

4741

Favorite

By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

90005

You deserved it

16602

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37317

You deserved it

3020

Favorite

By starbird - United States

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

I agree, your life sucks

79856

You deserved it

10589

Favorite

By single&alone - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39172

You deserved it

3476

Favorite

By Jill - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49447

You deserved it

4343

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36488

You deserved it

5510

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47375

You deserved it

2695

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10269

You deserved it

40596

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss came back from a 2 week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone. But the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70033

You deserved it

5123

Favorite

By Mamaofdrama

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1858

You deserved it

303

Favorite

By new name - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30201

You deserved it

16515

Favorite

By firedlol

Today, I accidentally showed up 5 minutes late for my shift. My boss mercifully declared that I would not be fired if I called my mother and told her I love her. My mom died 11 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3890

You deserved it

224

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my crazy stalker got a crazy stalker too. And she's also stalking me. So basically, I'm in some sort of a stalking triangle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4312

You deserved it

279

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 14:01

America's Funniest Home Videos

Today, I found out that a guy who works overnights had secretly been videotaping me singing and dancing to my favorite songs while I worked my own graveyard shift. My new nickname at work is 'Prancy'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1117

You deserved it

247

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#300829 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

Oh wow. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

By jio_freed | 0

#300828 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

You must have magic fingers

COMMENTS

By jio_freed | 0

#300828 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

You must have magic fingers

GrandTheftLlama | 0

#325980 - Sunday 21 June 2009 6:50

omg that is sooooo wrong. I wouldn't know whether to feel disgusted with myself or like a god.

wheatie | 0

#994521 - Saturday 15 May 2010 18:53

aww pry her first is a while. be happy you gave her tht simple pleasure before she dies.

12luck34 | 0

#1220727 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 4:53

1- Hahahahahaha lolz (;

v8rax | 0

#2296770 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 4:39

lmao @ wheatie if that's how u spell it lol

Abbeygale | 8

#5404463 - Thursday 14 March 2013 2:07

I thought they only allowed female carers to wash/help with personal things when the patient is female?

By redbluegreen | 40

#300829 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

Oh wow. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

hilda_kitty | 16

#1025438 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 20:15

one of those baby bards, eh? they always taste the weirdest...

how's that for gross?

By fash | 0

#300830 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:59

Ohhh, awkward.

Hawk42 | 16

#6152274 - Tuesday 23 December 2014 19:26

Do you mean hawkward?

By myfairyoshi_fml | 0

#300847 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:02

Ummm....... wow
I think i just died a little on the inside.

I now understand how you got a patient "really happy" O.o

wheatie | 0

#902656 - Monday 1 March 2010 4:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

iPeterPan | 8

#4262226 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:38

Kind of a bitch aren't we?

By _cheeseballs | 0

#300848 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:02

I lol'd majorly.

By agifttotearapart | 0

#300854 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:04

lollllll

By love2shop | 0

#300857 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:04

urghh ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#300858 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:05

oh baaaaaby thats hot nothing like good ol granny orgasms

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5718087 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 8:24

There are lots of younger people in long term care following injury or with chronic conditions. It doesn't say anywhere that she was old.

By Sevenfold | 0

#300868 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:07

LOLOL.
I just spit up alittle...

By princessxD | 0

#300878 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:08

Lmfao, this is gross.