Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term...

By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

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Work

Who's a good boy?

Weird kid

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 04:00

Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers when one of them decided to put out his cigarette on the table and missed. I now have a nice burn mark on my hand. Did he say sorry? No. "Your hand shouldn't have been there." FML

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By joeshmoe - 5/9/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, my 26th birthday party got busted by my parents due to them coming home early because of a flight cancellation. Everyone had to leave, but not before my mother made me go to my room. FML

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By Ages ago - 8/5/2019 10:00 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, two guys robbed me. As I wrestled them on the ground, my best friend just stood next to all this, telling me to give them the money already, or we'd be late for school. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

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By wtf yourself, cunt - 17/9/2012 23:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, at school, a guy walked up to me and said I look a little too young to be at high school. I told him that I'm sixteen years old. He stared at my chest for several long seconds, muttered "What the fuck?" and walked off. FML

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By CrappyCar - 14/5/2013 05:29 - United States

Today, I received a notice that if I don't move the abandoned vehicle from outside my house it will be repossessed at my expense. My car isn't abandoned. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2013 19:56 - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By Curt - 6/9/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or Genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

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By father of the year - 1/8/2013 06:21 - United States

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

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By Eternal Servitude - 2/5/2015 16:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 18:48 - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

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By Nicole - 20/2/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

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By missko519 - 22/5/2015 07:36 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 17:01

Shocking

Today, I tried to hang up a light and, in my clumsiness, got shocked. My dad started screaming at me for yelling out. FML

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By mando - 6/10/2011 15:14 - Australia

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 20:57 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

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By loganHchrist - 9/1/2014 00:53 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. They thought it would be funny to pretend that they're nudists. FML

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By Felicityfrank - 1/5/2014 14:17 - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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By alexa - 8/12/2015 17:14 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

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By Jeepers - 29/6/2009 14:30 - United Kingdom

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

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By Pissy - 23/5/2019 06:05

Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 09:50 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

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By Sleepy - 9/10/2014 14:10 - United Kingdom - Hayes

Today, I fell asleep at my desk. It's bad enough that it was for 45 minutes and that I was snoring. What makes it worse? My boss woke me up. FML

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By misunderstood - 5/9/2010 10:56 - Australia

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

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By babydoll13211 - 4/9/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

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By insurgent - 3/5/2016 08:31 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, I'm so lonely, I wrote my number on a desk at my university, hoping someone would text me. FML

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By I care too much - 6/5/2019 04:00

Today, I learned that the windows in my flat will be removed and then replaced with new ones. This would be very good, if it wasn't for the ongoing removal of the asbestos insulation in the very same flat. I guess the administration will pay less for scaffolding this way. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 05:01

Helping hand

Today, my granny has been constipated for the past two days. She is too weak to get out of bed, so I ended up trying to dig the poop out of her butthole with a spoon. Yay me. FML

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By icarlymom - 5/3/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, my 18 year old daughter comes home telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had ICarly happy meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

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By desigirl - 10/11/2015 01:03 - United States - Johnson City

Today, my boyfriend told me I should stop talking about his major gambling problem because he still loves me even though I gained weight. Apparently that evens things out. FML

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By weeping_willow - 1/6/2020 08:00

Cheeky little bastards

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

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By Giggity - 21/2/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML

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By embarrassed - 3/7/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

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By ilu.xo - 13/1/2010 06:11 - Canada

Today, I found out the guy I've been seeing for 3 months lives at home with his parents. He's 30. They live in a '50+ only' housing complex and he sneaks in the side door. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2019 22:05

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 05:50 - United States - Austin

Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML

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By KaiyaOtaku1 - 14/7/2014 23:48 - United States - Seattle

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

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By ClutchJunkie - 5/12/2016 15:44

Today, my classic car that I've put hours of wrench time into burst into flames when I tried to start it. FML

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By drreeeewwww - 25/11/2014 20:44 - United States - Salem

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#300829 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

Oh wow. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

By jio_freed | 0

#300828 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

You must have magic fingers

COMMENTS

By jio_freed | 0

#300828 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

You must have magic fingers

GrandTheftLlama | 0

#325980 - Sunday 21 June 2009 6:50

omg that is sooooo wrong. I wouldn't know whether to feel disgusted with myself or like a god.

wheatie | 0

#994521 - Saturday 15 May 2010 18:53

aww pry her first is a while. be happy you gave her tht simple pleasure before she dies.

12luck34 | 0

#1220727 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 4:53

1- Hahahahahaha lolz (;

v8rax | 0

#2296770 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 4:39

lmao @ wheatie if that's how u spell it lol

Abbeygale | 8

#5404463 - Thursday 14 March 2013 2:07

I thought they only allowed female carers to wash/help with personal things when the patient is female?

By redbluegreen | 40

#300829 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

Oh wow. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

hilda_kitty | 16

#1025438 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 20:15

one of those baby bards, eh? they always taste the weirdest...

how's that for gross?

By fash | 0

#300830 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:59

Ohhh, awkward.

Hawk42 | 16

#6152274 - Tuesday 23 December 2014 19:26

Do you mean hawkward?

By myfairyoshi_fml | 0

#300847 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:02

Ummm....... wow
I think i just died a little on the inside.

I now understand how you got a patient "really happy" O.o

wheatie | 0

#902656 - Monday 1 March 2010 4:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

iPeterPan | 8

#4262226 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:38

Kind of a bitch aren't we?

By _cheeseballs | 0

#300848 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:02

I lol'd majorly.

By agifttotearapart | 0

#300854 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:04

lollllll

By love2shop | 0

#300857 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:04

urghh ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#300858 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:05

oh baaaaaby thats hot nothing like good ol granny orgasms

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5718087 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 8:24

There are lots of younger people in long term care following injury or with chronic conditions. It doesn't say anywhere that she was old.

By Sevenfold | 0

#300868 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:07

LOLOL.
I just spit up alittle...

By princessxD | 0

#300878 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:08

Lmfao, this is gross.