Work: Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

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Work

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Thanks dude

Extreme late fees

By spitball101 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years finally proposed to me at the park we first met in. As I was about to say yes, a huge fly flew straight into my mouth. I ruined the moment by choking on it and eventually spitting it out on him. I think he's rethinking the proposal. FML

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By cortanaisahobot - Canada - Toronto

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

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By gothchick201013 - United States - Dayton

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

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By fieldmarshalclitter - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

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By pissed off - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

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By madeyoulaugh - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

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By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

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By myusofwe - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

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25791

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 23:01

Between a rock and a not-so-hard place

Today, I found out that the pills my doctor prescribed for my ED cause severe side effects and I have to stop taking them. So much for my sex life. FML

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By jack1057 - 12/9/2020 01:01 - United States - Phoenix

Smooth criminal

Today, I was walking to my car from my workplace. When I was about 20 feet from my car, a guy who was clearly on drugs yelled at me and stole my keys and car. Right before leaving the parking lot, he hit a stop sign and then yelled that my car was broken and ran off. FML

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By Margaret

Today, I saw some random iTunes charge on my bank account so I called who I thought was iTunes customer support to figure out the $5 charge, then got scammed into buying $1,400 worth of gift cards. The man on the phone was not with iTunes and took all my money. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - West End

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

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13371

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By fuck you, gran - United States - Ashland

Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML

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By sammatthews2007 - United States

Call the cops

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

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By unlucky - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went to a party. After asking several people about the ingredients in a cake, I took one bite and ended up in the hospital with a severe reaction to the nuts that "definitely weren't" in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

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By MrGullible

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

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By GeofftyGeoff

Today, my former boss, a landlord, came through on his "parting gift" to me. I thought he was joking when he said he'd send a deranged tenant of ours cross-country by bus to stay with me for a week. It wasn't a joke. Send help. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I swear I couldn't help it when the words "Wow, I bet you really regret that haircut." came out of my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

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By Ugh

Today, I was on the bus. I have a phobia of babies crying, and recently, whenever I've been on a long journey, there's been one and I've had an anxiety attack. There were no babies on this bus, just an old lady showing her friend videos of her screaming grandchild. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 02:01

Shitpants blues

Today, I recently started taking some antidepressants and they have been working really well for me, except for the fact that they have made me crap my pants twice now. Both times in public. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the living room where my mother was so I could ask her about something. I found her lying pantsless on the couch trying to cut her pubic hair with a pair of scissors. FML

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By FML - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I took my boyfriend to dinner to meet my parents. He agreed to be on his best behavior, but when my mom told us about some shady stuff going on at her job, he replied that it sounded "fishier than Justin Bieber's cunt." We were quickly kicked out. FML

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By dumped - South Africa

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

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38733

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was walking with the dog. I was throwing a stick in the lake so he could get it (he loves swimming). A friend called me. After I was done calling another friend came by, and we went talking for a while. When my dog barked, I accidentally threw my iPhone in the water instead of his stick. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 17:01

Workaholic

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend. Things got a little hot and I started to pull up my shirt. She screamed and told me to stop because the innocence of her stuffed animals was at stake. We are 18, and she was dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

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27156

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By norestforthewicked - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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20246

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By Volume_control - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML

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By - France

Today, me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's bedroom. We go to investigate. It's coming from a drawer. We open it up. Battery operated dildo. FML

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By noosher0990

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

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20790

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#300829 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

Oh wow. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

By jio_freed | 0

#300828 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

You must have magic fingers

COMMENTS

By jio_freed | 0

#300828 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

You must have magic fingers

GrandTheftLlama | 0

#325980 - Sunday 21 June 2009 6:50

omg that is sooooo wrong. I wouldn't know whether to feel disgusted with myself or like a god.

wheatie | 0

#994521 - Saturday 15 May 2010 18:53

aww pry her first is a while. be happy you gave her tht simple pleasure before she dies.

12luck34 | 0

#1220727 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 4:53

1- Hahahahahaha lolz (;

v8rax | 0

#2296770 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 4:39

lmao @ wheatie if that's how u spell it lol

Abbeygale | 8

#5404463 - Thursday 14 March 2013 2:07

I thought they only allowed female carers to wash/help with personal things when the patient is female?

By redbluegreen | 40

#300829 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:58

Oh wow. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

hilda_kitty | 16

#1025438 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 20:15

one of those baby bards, eh? they always taste the weirdest...

how's that for gross?

By fash | 0

#300830 - Saturday 13 June 2009 15:59

Ohhh, awkward.

Hawk42 | 16

#6152274 - Tuesday 23 December 2014 19:26

Do you mean hawkward?

By myfairyoshi_fml | 0

#300847 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:02

Ummm....... wow
I think i just died a little on the inside.

I now understand how you got a patient "really happy" O.o

wheatie | 0

#902656 - Monday 1 March 2010 4:24

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

iPeterPan | 8

#4262226 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:38

Kind of a bitch aren't we?

By _cheeseballs | 0

#300848 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:02

I lol'd majorly.

By agifttotearapart | 0

#300854 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:04

lollllll

By love2shop | 0

#300857 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:04

urghh ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#300858 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:05

oh baaaaaby thats hot nothing like good ol granny orgasms

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5718087 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 8:24

There are lots of younger people in long term care following injury or with chronic conditions. It doesn't say anywhere that she was old.

By Sevenfold | 0

#300868 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:07

LOLOL.
I just spit up alittle...

By princessxD | 0

#300878 - Saturday 13 June 2009 16:08

Lmfao, this is gross.