Today, I’m a trainee who recently arrived in a prestigious company....

By anonyme - 28/6/2013 00:13 - France

Today, I’m a trainee who recently arrived in a prestigious company. My boss walked in on me sorting paper clips by size. I’m now in charge of doing the same thing in every office on our floor. FML

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Work

Out of it

Rock, hard place

Alternative medicine is bull

By mugged - 20/3/2011 20:29 - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

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By Ohshucks! - 20/7/2010 19:01 - United States

Today, I helped my fiancé pack up and head to Texas for a business trip. I'm not only going to miss him, but I'll also miss my car keys that I accidentally left in his car. I drive for a living. FML

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By CD - 11/1/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

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By oops - 2/3/2013 18:32 - Netherlands - Nieuwe-niedorp

Today, after spending almost an hour in the dentist's waiting room, watching other people get called in for their appointments, I finally lost my patience and asked the receptionist what was taking so long. I'd forgotten to sign in. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Stalker vibes

Today, I had a surprise visitor at my place. A guy I was talking to a few months back. He said he was down my way getting gas and thought he’d stop by. He lives more than 45 minutes from my place, in the opposite direction, with about 20 gas stations between us. FML

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By edodge - 15/10/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

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By phreshrice - 7/4/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because apparently I need to "grow up". He is the one who plays excesive Call of Duty and still has Pokémon and Bionicles in his room. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

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By pvtcab - 5/10/2011 18:52 - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I had a UTI. After, taking some sample medicine my doctor gave to me, I had a lot of back pain and nausea. I also spent 6 hours in the ER with no health insurance because I thought I was urinating blood. Nope, "peeing red" is just a little side effect my doctor forgot to inform me of. FML

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By LyricalTragedy - 16/12/2016 00:08

Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML

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By Ginny - 30/6/2009 09:23 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to start running to stay fit. Before I left, I put my cell phone in my sweat shirt pocket, and jumped vigorously up and down and ran around my apartment to make sure it wouldn't fall out. On a bridge, it slides out of my pocket and drops fifteen feet into the water below. FML

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By anyone - 2/9/2010 04:48 - Lebanon

Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited. FML

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By assholedad - 11/2/2015 21:00 - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Marteeny - 9/6/2016 03:14

Today, my mom said my boobs are finally getting bigger and that I've finally hit puberty. I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday next week. FML

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By anon - 18/7/2019 14:00

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

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By ohwell - 24/11/2014 13:44 - Sweden - Tullinge

Today, I met my best friend's girlfriend for the first time. After a few hours of talking and eating, she followed me to the bathroom and said, dead serious, ''If you ever touch him or get too close to him, I will cut you''. I've known him for twelve years, they have been dating for a month. FML

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By Bigfatfailure - 28/3/2013 10:02 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I got dumped during sex. FML

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By Hopper - 3/12/2017 23:00 - United States

Today, I was the only carhop at work for the last 2 hours. In that time, I waited on about 50 cars. I make server pay so I depend on tips, but none of them tipped me even a penny. I averaged under $3 an hour tonight. FML

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By Ishii - 7/2/2010 18:58 - Canada

Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 08:08

For the life of him indeed

Today, my significant other decided it’s safe to travel to Brazil for Christmas break, even though they are heavily impacted by Covid. He doesn't understand for the life of him why we should skip this year. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - 22/8/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By and not even in the good way - 30/3/2014 20:36 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to smack my daughter's head gently with a balloon. It hit her hair clip and exploded. She won't stop crying, and my wife will be home any minute. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

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By Rachel - 2/2/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I bit into a cereal bar and thought the inside was oddly damp. I took a look at it and saw a maggot worm wriggling around. Its friend was in my mouth. FML

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By ohcrap - 2/6/2011 10:05 - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By lawdy - 21/5/2017 20:00

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2011 18:20 - United States

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

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By bronco_lover89 - 22/5/2012 01:05 - United States - Essexville

Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 07:35 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By Not Mrs Soprano - 8/7/2013 11:57 - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

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By the_dog_sitter - 13/3/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - Traralgon

Best gift ever

Today, my toddler handed me a present and told me to keep it forever. It was a piece of dog poo. FML

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By heallven - 31/1/2013 12:26 - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

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By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - 9/10/2013 07:51 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

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By thatCanadianGuy7 - 29/6/2009 19:55 - Canada

Today, I got beaten up by my ex-girlfriend's older brother who does mixed martial arts, because my ex saw me making out with another girl. We broke up over 6 months ago. FML

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By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - 23/10/2012 22:47 - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend. Things got a little hot and I started to pull up my shirt. She screamed and told me to stop because the innocence of her stuffed animals was at stake. We are 18, and she was dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2012 03:00 - Canada

Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML

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Top comments

By BrailynRaylynn | 22

#6716212 - Friday 25 November 2016 11:25

Word to the wise: Always look busy, even when you're not. That way you don't get stuck doing scut work for not being busy enough.

By Wizardo | 33

#6716213 - Friday 25 November 2016 11:28

You have now turned into the annoying little paperclip from Windows XP and 2000. It has gone fill circle.

COMMENTS

By BrailynRaylynn | 22

#6716212 - Friday 25 November 2016 11:25

Word to the wise: Always look busy, even when you're not. That way you don't get stuck doing scut work for not being busy enough.

By Wizardo | 33

#6716213 - Friday 25 November 2016 11:28

You have now turned into the annoying little paperclip from Windows XP and 2000. It has gone fill circle.

By talal_icon | 19

#6716229 - Friday 25 November 2016 12:48

Hahaha thats why I'll never work an office job. id do the same thing but off like that sucks! sorry OP

GhanArch | 6

#6716250 - Friday 25 November 2016 14:51

By RichardPencil | 28

#6716249 - Friday 25 November 2016 14:49

Luckily, he didn't walk in on you while you were pleasuring yourself.

Imagine being in charge of that for every office in the building!

GhanArch | 6

#6716251 - Friday 25 November 2016 14:53

Not all bad. Imagine only having to come in to work when it's time to get off.

RichardPencil | 28

#6716265 - Friday 25 November 2016 15:15

True, and having someone like that around can sure come in handy!

By fireblazes | 9

#6716257 - Friday 25 November 2016 15:09

Damn my OCD!

By dee2z | 3

#6716269 - Friday 25 November 2016 15:29

I'm sorry, but why would someone sort paperclips?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6716274 - Friday 25 November 2016 15:36

OCD is a harsh mistress.

Limeila | 10

#6716315 - Friday 25 November 2016 19:13

Out of boredom?

cheshireau | 26

#6716501 - Saturday 26 November 2016 8:19

When I worked at a Service Station, when I was bored and finished all of the cleaning and tidying, I'd sort the lighters by color I was that bored.

By Dominus101 | 18

#6716289 - Friday 25 November 2016 17:00

Maybe your boss was just joking & didn't literally mean it, anyhow whether that was a little OCD that had you doing that task never hurts to be well organized !

By Catdragon | 40

#6716355 - Friday 25 November 2016 22:45

how is this a bad thing though?

By xbaconator9000x | 16

#6716366 - Saturday 26 November 2016 0:21

Hey, at least you're "In Charge"!

By devinaww | 15

#6716472 - Saturday 26 November 2016 6:59

Who the hay sorts paper clips by size? Ain't nobody got time for dat