Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of...

By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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Intimacy

Minefield

Intense

Bushy

By EconM - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

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By Angel - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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By laurencoc - Australia - Perth

Today, I dyed my hair purple. I came out of the salon and a little girl walked past and said, "Wow, you look like a mermaid!", to which her mother quickly said, "No she doesn't, she looks like her parents don't love her." FML

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By Anon - Canada - Calgary

Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML

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By mizzy - United States

Today, my four year old got mad that he couldn't find his favorite character on the Wii. So, he decided to smash the Wii remote into my $700 LCD TV, shattering the screen. That was the only TV in the house, and the $80 service plan I bought doesn't cover accidental damage. FML

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By tired - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

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By BudmaudeY - Sweden

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

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By cakefete2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

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By viperplay53 - United States

Today, while working at a McDonald's drive-through, some dicks decided to pull a "fire in the hole" prank. Granted, it has been done to me before, this time was different. These pleasant people decided to use hot coffee. FML

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By BeastieHouse

Today, I dropped a brand new jar of molasses into the corner of my completely white kitchen. FML

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By insulted - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

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By Sickinbed - United States

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

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By Ann - United States

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

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By Karate Kid - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

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By fmmlll - United States

Today, I'm going on an 8 hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

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By iSamsung - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to make new friends, so I sat with the lonely guy at lunch. Now he keeps following me, with his phone in a camera position. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my boss told me that I'd confessed my love to him last night when he'd held my hair back as I puked. FML

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By DumbFace714 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, my friend told me she wanted to get pregnant. I thought that was good news, but then she said she wanted my boyfriend to be the father of her baby. FML

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By JackSoda

Dad Jokes, part 36646

Today, my dad brought the double barrel shotgun to my room, gave me his hat and said, "It's all about survival now. At any cost, Coral." He keeps calling me Coral. FML

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By ugh thanks - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By The Joker? - United States

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

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By fmylyfe - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

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By aawkward... - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

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By Steven - United Kingdom - Llanelli

Judgmental much?

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

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By maebyf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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By child abused - United States - New York

Not helping.

Today, my neighbor's pesky 7-year-old daughter, who is friends with the guy I really like, decided to help me with him. She used her phone to send him a picture of me. I was in the shower, completely naked and surprised. FML

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By lolographic24 - Norway

Today, it was my turn to take out the trash. While walking to the dumpster, I slip and fall. It doesn't really hurt, so I get up and go to the dumpster, but the top is frozen stuck. It won't budge. Then I really pull with a lot of force, and the lid swings open and busts my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 17:00

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Today, I was getting frisky with my husband under the covers in bed. My son decided to run into our room and cannonball on top of my husband. This startled him, which caused him to bite me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

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By PrintMaster - United States

Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing and an alarm sounded. Curious, I looked up, only to get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler for the produce section of the store. FML

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By Tbelle

Today, my brother texted me a picture of his "upcoming disconnect" notice for his utility bill and asked if I could loan him the money to pay it. All I could give him was a picture of my "disconnected" notice. FML

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By deadhammy - United States - San Diego

Today, my hamster died. It climbed out of its cage and jumped off my dresser. Looking for condolences, I told my mom who replied, "If I lived in your room, I would have done it earlier." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was staying at my friend's house, which is next door. Our houses are the same layout, only mirrored, so tonight when I got out of bed in the dark I instinctively turned to my left, thinking I was entering the bathroom, and fell down the stairs. Three of my teeth are missing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brossard

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

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By Paprika - 12/5/2021 04:01

I don't need a Xanny to feel better

Today, my psychiatrist prescribed Xanax. I thought that was a little extreme and that my anxiety wasn't bad enough for that. Within the next hour, I had 2 panic attacks. I guess I'm worse off than I thought. FML

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By RadYoHeaD - United Kingdom

Today, I went running to the gym on the way to work and I forgot to bring a spare shirt. All I have to wear is a wet white tshirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

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Top comments

By paintedchocolate | 30

#6267397 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:16

It was just the two of you. What on earth did he hope to accomplish by pretending it wasn't him? O.o

By xpsychocatladyx | 15

#6267388 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:14

lady bone killer right there

COMMENTS

By lexa1love | 16

#6267384 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

tormcn | 26

#6267412 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:26

Seems like OP's boyfriend is a dirty boy. You deserve it for letting him finish.

DanCastellaneta | 17

#6267440 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:51

I don't think talking dirty is meant to be taken literally...

lexa1love | 16

#6267441 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:51

Oh no, I forgot to use the sarcasm font. Come on guys.

DanCastellaneta | 17

#6267488 - Monday 20 April 2015 0:15

Stop, just stop. This is a website, not a real person.

notesz | 21

#6267667 - Monday 20 April 2015 3:47

Watch out, fml police! Oh no, there aren't any...

By xpsychocatladyx | 15

#6267388 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:14

lady bone killer right there

ironmany_fml | 23

#6269198 - Tuesday 21 April 2015 21:14

bone killer?

By Desi_D123 | 27

#6267391 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:14

I've heard of dirty sex but that's taking it to a new level...

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6267392 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:15

What an asshole

By bleedingglitter | 24

#6267393 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:15

Pfft I would not have let him finish.

By Acerhawk | 24

#6267394 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:15

Okay the records 5 lets go!! 1...2...3...4...5...6... YEAH I GOT 6! I GOT 6 AT THE SUN STARE!!

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6267403 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:20

What was the relevance of this comment here?

By paintedchocolate | 30

#6267397 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:16

It was just the two of you. What on earth did he hope to accomplish by pretending it wasn't him? O.o

PePziNL | 20

#6267602 - Monday 20 April 2015 2:13

Unless... It wàsn't the two of them.

By dakatabg | 31

#6267398 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:17

It is always somebody else's fault

By phantomofmind | 14

#6267399 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:18

Wow, major turn off. Sorry OP.

By poppunkette | 22

#6267400 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:18

That's just nasty! I would be with holding sex for ages as punishment

WhackTheJackal | 22

#6267423 - Sunday 19 April 2015 23:37

withholding*

fitforme | 4

#6267649 - Monday 20 April 2015 3:17

Sex shouldn't be a punishment and reward thing. That's a ridiculous and immature way of thinking. If you're angry or upset, by all means, don't have sex with him if you aren't feeling it but it shouldn't literally be withheld as a punishment.

chocolatejunebug | 9

#6268103 - Monday 20 April 2015 16:11

This. I don't get why people do that....

Badkarma4u | 17

#6268123 - Monday 20 April 2015 16:41

Yeah then you'll be whining about him cheating on you.

Aimeejasmine | 15

#6268243 - Monday 20 April 2015 20:11

Too far.. No one deserves to get cheated on no matter how immature they act.

Badkarma4u | 17

#6268260 - Monday 20 April 2015 20:56

Withholding sex and affection for punishment is manipulation at its finest. If a woman thinks her vagina is a weapon, then a man should show her that every woman has one, and will give it to her man.

Demon_of_Light | 27

#6273815 - Sunday 26 April 2015 10:36

If a man thinks that a woman owes him sex because he's "her man" and that he has a right to cheat on her if she doesn't give it to him, he's an chauvinist asshole.